When most people hear the term “narcissist,” they’re not asking themselves, “What do narcissists want?”  They’re envisioning someone who talks about themselves too much or takes a lot of selfies.   That’s obvious, they’re likely thinking. Narcissists want attention. So the stereotype goes. These traits are essentially harmless and may even be amusing when portrayed in pop culture. However, some narcissists carry other more sinister traits.   Pathological narcissists lie excessively, wear different masks around different people, have secret lives, and fake positive emotions. The heart of narcissistic abuse is the deliberate manipulation of others into willingly making themselves vulnerable enough so...

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can have a harmful impact on your adult relationships. Our early relationship with our parents has a long-term effect on the way we perceive ourselves, the world, and other social interactions: work, school, friendships, or romantic relationships. The relationship with our mother is significant because it implies a natural, powerful bond that is usually nurturing for the child. Unfortunately, it’s the opposite with narcissistic mothers–the child is held responsible for meeting the mother’s needs. This kind of childhood interaction can lead to low self-esteem, intimacy and trust issues, a flawed sense of self, and...

There are so many different types of narcissism that exist. It can be confusing trying to sort out their qualities and behaviors. In addition, what can sometimes make it even more unclear is that narcissism is often treated only as a negative quality. However, Harvard psychologist Craig Malkin (2015) indicates that narcissism is a spectrum trait. On one end lies healthy narcissism, and on the other lies unhealthy narcissism.  The spectrum can tell us a lot about how people prioritize their own emotions and needs. Someone without healthy narcissism has difficulty standing up for themselves and always puts other people...

Idealization and devaluation. I understand everything now. They are two sides of the same coin, neither truth nor lie. They are only the distorted reflections of your sickness. It feels like a grenade just went off. The shrapnel falls, scattering. All the clues flood into the right cracks all at once, but too quickly for me to absorb each in isolation. I begged you for answers so many times. But how could I have expected you to give them to me when you did not understand any point of view other than your own? You could not find the disconnect...

The term “love bombing” may sound harmless on the surface. Who doesn’t want someone to bombard them with affection?  Yet narcissist love bombing is very sinister and dangerous. It disarms us and is the first step in an exploitative relationship. Love bombing almost always starts on day one in a relationship with a narcissist. It is part of the indoctrination that sets the stage for everything else that will occur during the rest of the relationship. Our emotions are used to trap us into the relationship and make it difficult to escape this narcissistic behavior. Then it can even spill...

Can a narcissist love us? It’s easy to become obsessed with that question.  Out of all the questions we have, isn’t that one of the critical questions about narcissists that we want to try to answer? [Read Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissists? And Other Questions] There’s a kernel inside that question of whether narcissists can love that feels connected to almost every other question we have about the relationship.  If we could crack this question about narcissists and love, it seems as if everything else we don’t understand might fall into place. [Read Closure 7 Reasons Why Narcissists Won’t Give...

Narcissist lies are weapons. You may have asked the narcissist to account for their behavior. If you got answers at all, they likely didn’t make sense. There’s poison in their non-answers. It seeps into you a drop at a time until you’re sick with their self-loathing, and they’re drunk with their control of you. This non-reality is the very essence of narcissism. If you’ve interacted with narcissists enough, you’ll know that you can’t make them tell you the truth directly. However, sometimes they’ll tell you the truth indirectly if you pay close enough attention. So when can you tell when...