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The Worst Thing You Can Do to a Narcissist

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I know how much you want to get revenge. But what’s the worst thing you can do to a narcissist?

Believe me, I know. You’re wondering.

You’re probably not even a vengeful person! If you were, you probably wouldn’t be here because a narcissist would have found you an undesirable partner.

So where has all of this come from? What do you do with all of these feelings?

There’s some sort of indignity in everything you’re going through right now. So many emotions, so much loss.

It’s not just that they lie. It’s not just that they cheat. It’s not even that they degrade and humiliate us, purposely trying to hurt us. It’s that they intentionally gained our trust first before doing these things. It’s that they knowingly hurt us and looked us in the eyes while doing it. 

It’s that they made us look and feel as if there is something wrong with us for feeling hurt and angry over being treated this way. They make themselves out to be the victims.

It’s that they move on so quickly, completely unscathed by a relationship that left us in emotional tatters.

We’re left astounded by the magnitude of the wrongs done to us.

There may be a material loss as well. We may be dealing with financial or legal consequences or struggling to put our lives back together if our stability has been disrupted in areas such as our housing or job.

Yes, I know… there’s a part of us that wants to see it all come crashing down for them.

How is it possible that we gave them everything and they can walk away as if it doesn’t matter? They not only leave us with so little but leave so few people around them not even knowing or understanding what happened.

We are left wondering: is there any way to make them feel the consequences of their actions?


Want to learn about the five stages of leaving a narcissist? See the end of this post for information about how to read a free preview of my book, which including the first chapter and the pathological love relationship checklist.


Why Talk About How to Get Revenge On a Narcissist?

This is obviously not just a whimsical thought.  It seems to keep many people from moving on. 

That we can live in a world where someone can cause so much damage and “get away with it” seems so unjust. It’s hard to believe that they can just walk away from the destruction as if nothing happened and keep doing it again and again with new partners. 

So many people in their lives turn a blind eye and refuse to see what they’re doing, even enabling it at times and it can seem as if, just once, they should be made to feel the consequences of their actions.

It feels as if there must be something you can do with all of your anger at the injustice. You want others to see through their lies and feel vindicated.

But it isn’t just about revenge.  If there was some way to inflict some “equivalent” pain, you think, maybe the narcissist would have an epiphany and stop doing what they do.

Maybe you would feel some validation that they would finally understand the pain they caused and could relax knowing they couldn’t cause you any more pain.

You could even feel relief knowing maybe they wouldn’t do this to anyone else.

Something about the thought of getting even makes you feel as if you are one step closer to getting closure.

But here’s the problem. Getting even is no easier than getting closure, because narcissists don’t suffer for the same reasons that we can and then, as a result, grow and change because of this suffering.

What Hurts a Narcissist?

As described in the narcissistic cycle of abuse, narcissists are sensitive to feeling criticized by practically everything, but what actually wounds them?

  • Being exposed as frauds, that is, having their mask ripped off for others to see them as they really are
  • Being humiliated
  • Being manipulated and “played” (losing control) 
  • Being without narcissistic supply
  • Being rejected

The problem with wounding a narcissist and causing a narcissistic injury, however, is that narcissists react very strongly.

Let’s evaluate some potential methods of getting back at a narcissist to determine what goals would be met and how effective they would be.

revengepin

Note that I’m examining these as thought exercises. I’m not endorsing any of them or suggesting that anyone should actually go out and do them. 

The reason why is that many emotions were manufactured in us over time through the relationship, and some of these urges will stem directly from those emotions. Giving in to them might cause us to create situations that would make things worse for ourselves and play right into the hands of the narcissist.

So, by going through all of these ideas one by one, I do not suggest them seriously.

I think it’s worthwhile to think through where the urges come from, what is likely to happen, and whether or not they are good ideas.

Only then can we reject them and understand that there is vengeance that we can take, but not in using the traps that the narcissist has laid for us.  

Reactive Methods of Vengeance

These methods are highly rooted in emotion. They are likely to be noticed and elicit a strong and dangerous response from the narcissist. I don’t recommend them. But let’s examine them anyway as a theoretical exercise and determine what it is about them that’s so attractive and why they are unlikely to work.

Expose Their Misdeeds

This seems like the first and most obvious way to hurt them. After all, it’s not just that it’s revenge.  You’re just keeping it real.  Everyone around them thinks they’re a saint, or just misunderstood.  But you know the truth.  They need to be stopped.  Sometimes, you might even want to clear your own name.

Why You Don’t Want to Do This:

You may make the narcissist angry and put yourself in danger. No one is likely to believe you and even if they do, the narcissist will soon smooth everything over. The narcissist can use it to make you look crazy or to justify treating you poorly. The best you can likely hope for is to plant seeds of doubt.

It’s probably not as satisfying as you’d hoped and might make you feel even worse. 

Criticize Them Intentionally to Antagonize Them

Narcissists are known for being able to dish it out, but not being able to take it. Giving them a little tit for tat might actually show them what it’s like when they go around humiliating or degrading you.

You don’t have to verbally abuse them as they do you, just make comments about how the guy or girl across the room is more attractive. 

Or whatever they value about themselves, make an off-hand comment about how they’re not doing as well in that department as they used to.

For double the fun, perhaps do it in front of one of their friends.

Since they hate being criticized and are going to get offended no matter what you do anyway, you might as well give them something to be offended about. Why play nice?

Why You Don’t Want to Do This:

You may have lashed out in anger at the narcissist in the past. In this case, however, you’re sinking to their level intentionally to get a reaction, not just because you’ve been provoked. 

Furthermore, they take many things you do as criticism anyway and might not notice that anything has changed. If they do, they can use what you’ve done to play the victim to others, and because it was premeditated and intentional, now it is arguably justifiable.

Mock or Laugh at Them

This is similar to the previous tactic, but a little easier to claim innocence. Everyone laughs and teases others sometimes. It would be easy to accuse them of being too sensitive if they made too big of a deal out of it.

Why You Don’t Want to Do This:

It doesn’t matter if what you do is subtle; they are notorious for invoking double standards and will still invariably use teasing as an opportunity to turn themselves into victims.

In addition, humiliating them is also likely to invoke hostility and unpredictable acts of rage and vengeance from them onto you.  It’s dangerous to purposely cause them humiliation.

Treat Them How They Treat You When They Devalue You

What are the things about how they treated you that hurt or upset you the most? 

The silent treatments or disappearances for days on end? 

Turning their backs on you when you need them the most? 

Making future plans with you and then carrying them out with someone else? 

Cheating on you or triangulating you with other love interests? 

Smearing you or providing information to others that they learned about you in confidence?

How about if you started to do the same things to them? Again, a little tit for tat to see how they like it. 

Why You Don’t Want to Do This:

They are manipulators and you’re not. You have a conscience, so it’s probably a fantasy that you could keep this up for long enough to make much of a difference.

Even if you did, the things they do are so blatant and heinous, as noted above with direct criticism, they can use what you do to make themselves into a victim to gain sympathy and support and to justify their poor treatment of you.

Some of these things are just playing with fire and you’re going to invoke hostility from them.  Yes they did these things to you and it’s not fair, but they’re mentally-disordered and unstable and that’s the point.

It’s doubtful they would even recognize that you were treating them how you were treated to show them how it feels because they don’t have the insight to recognize that their behavior is a problem.

Responsive Methods of Vengeance

These methods of vengeance may not look like vengeance at all. In fact, they look closer to boundary-setting. When the narcissist is behaving inappropriately or making demands, you decide you won’t deal with it anymore.

To a narcissist, however, this is highly upsetting. 

Say “No” or Blatantly Challenge What They Say

This is the sort of thing that can set off devaluation from them in the first place. 

You, just living your life, say to them, “No, I want to see my friends tonight. I don’t want to cancel my plans.”

Or, “No, I don’t want to drive for an hour to come see you tonight.  I’m really tired.”

They expect to be catered to.  Early in the relationship, little did you know that you simply not doing what they wanted you to do whenever they wanted you to do it meant that you were likely already injuring them and didn’t even know it.

But now you can do it on purpose just to show them they can’t control you. They hate not being in control.

Why This Still Probably Won’t Work: 

Again, because they already see many things people do as attacks, they probably wouldn’t notice that you are intentionally changing your actions to make a point.

And, just as they do when you didn’t intentionally challenge them, they will continue to make you out to be the “bad person” and use what you do to turn themselves into victims.

Ignore Them When They Try to Get a Reaction

The narcissist uses many covert acts of abuse and manipulation that individually seem minor but over time can constantly trigger you into being anxious or upset.

Examples can include mentioning how much better an ex was at making them feel, exploding because you took too long to text when you were out with your friends, making a cutting comment under his or her breath but where your mutual friends cannot overhear about something that they know will hurt you.

Usually, you would respond with anger or outrage or tears at this mistreatment. Instead, perhaps, you smile in amusement, maybe give a little shake of your head and walk away. Or cock your head and squint as if what was said did not make any sense. Or move away and begin speaking to someone else as if nothing was said at all.

Why This Still Probably Won’t Work: 

The narcissist might try harder at first to get a reaction from you; in other words, you might have to endure more abuse.

Yet he or she is not likely to even recognize this as revenge or a reaction to anything he or she did.

Leave Them For Someone Else

The real idea with this not just that you’re leaving them for someone else, but that you’re making sure they know, right?  One of the things narcissists hate most is feeling replaceable. This is ironic since they use people solely to prop up their own egos and as such treat people as if they are completely and utterly replaceable.

Why This Still Probably Won’t Work:

You will confirm that the narcissist was “right about you all along,” that you were no good and would eventually just run off with someone else.  Or they will think you’re so hung up on him or her that you had to run out and find someone else immediately to get over them.

In other words, no matter what you do, they will find a way to spin it and make it about themselves. They won’t view it as revenge, but you’ll be giving them additional narcissistic supply. 

The Worst Thing You Can Do to a Narcissist 

Walk Away and Live Your Best Life

Narcissists hate feeling invisible and worthless.  Even if you react negatively to something that they do, they still know that they matter enough to make you upset and to speak with them about it.

Therefore, although it is the most subtle statement of all in terms of direct confrontation or mentioning the narcissist’s behavior, in this method of revenge, you simply say nothing.  It’s “saying no” and ignoring them rolled into one– with a permanent twist.

Why is this better than leaving for someone else? 

Without having to leave them for another person, you’re telling them you’re strong enough to stand on your own.  Right now, they think that they have you wrapped around their finger and you can’t live without them. 

How about telling them you don’t need someone else as a crutch to stand on or to replace them in order to live apart from them?

In fact, your best life may include dating many people down the road, not just settling for one as soon as possible.  You’re not like them.  You don’t have to swing from vine to vine just to avoid being alone.

Your best life, in other words, is anything without them in it and that’s all they need to know.

Why This is the Most Difficult of All of Your Options: 

Yes, I know. This is the hardest thing to do while we are still in love with the narcissist.

It may also be the least satisfying because we don’t get to witness any effect it might have. But part of what keeps us from moving forward is a need to know what the narcissist is doing and whether good things or bad things are happening in his or her life.

Free yourself of that desire to know, and you free yourself of the chains that bind you to the narcissist and “do your worst damage” at the same time. It’s ironic, but that’s the way it works.

Why Getting Back at a Narcissist in Traditional Ways Doesn’t Work

Through examining these methods of revenge, the following statements seem clear:

1. In order for something to be viewed as “revenge,” someone has to understand that they did something to warrant revenge in the first place.  Narcissists don’t usually accept responsibility for their behavior or view their behavior as problematic. This is why so many of these methods backfire or cause more issues.

2. None of the methods will provoke an epiphany from the narcissist about how they have been treating you. They don’t cause remorse, validation, acknowledgment, or change because they don’t view you as anything but an extension of them, not as an equal who is entitled to your own pain.

3. Because narcissists are eternal victims, they will view you as the attacker if you do many of these things, instead of viewing them as reactions to something they did.

4. The fact that they will view you as the attacker means that even though it may wound them in the short-term, it will actually help the narcissist in many ways. They gain narcissistic supply from you, even if it’s negative. They may gain narcissistic supply from others in the form of sympathy by using what you did.  They can also use it to strengthen other relationships by bonding with others over what a bad person you are.

5. If you are going to continue to interact with the narcissist or people that he or she knows, you can also cause yourself more harm either directly from the narcissist, or indirectly through your reputation.

6. In the long-term, you won’t have wounded them at all, and may even have helped them to just keep doing what they do.

Walking away and living your life is the best possible way to get back at a narcissist.  Therefore, if you want to take revenge, do this.  

It’s the only way. Every serious life coach and mental health professional who understands narcissists and treats survivors will tell you the same thing.  Watch this short video from Stephanie Lyn that I hope will help to motivate you:

 


 

All of the other options either lead to additional suffering for us or they provide more ammunition for the narcissist to use against us.

It may seem counter-intuitive because there is no big confrontation.  We don’t get to tell the narcissist what we really think or see them self-destruct.  If you think about what narcissists thrives on, however, by rendering them invisible, you starve them of the drama that they crave.

Just by leaving we take all of our power back.

The win is truly ours because walking away shows them we no longer care about anything they have to say and they have no more control over our lives.

You can give them complete and utter silence and do everything you can to heal and become an even better person without them. This sends a message that they are insignificant in your life and that you don’t need them.

Walking away is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist because it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

Want to read about the five stages of leaving a narcissist? 

Why Can’t I Just Leave? takes you step-by-step through the path of how you got here and helps lead you straight to the exit.

Click here to read a free preview

Kristen-Milstead-3D-Cover

This isn’t your typical survivor recovery book. When you read it, you’ll learn about:

  • What over 600 survivors said about their experiences and how they left their relationships
  • 75 signs that you’re in a pathological love relationship
  • What makes narcissistic abuse unique
  • The most damaging effect of narcissistic abuse
  • Why we change while we’re in the relationship
  • The five stages of breaking up with a pathological partner
  • Pop culture and celebrity examples of narcissistic abuse
  • My personal story

 

Years in the making, this book creates a bridge between the first-hand knowledge of narcissistic abuse by survivors with lived experience and the social psychological research on the interpersonal and group dynamics of high-control relationships.

The heart of the book is explaining why we do things in these relationships we don’t understand and how we can stop. 

 

Available in ebook, paperback, and hardback!

If you’d like to read a free preview, which includes the first chapter and the pathological love relationship checklist, click on this link.

To read more about the book, visit my author website.

 

 

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead is a narcissistic abuse survivor who has become a strong advocate for finding your unique voice and using it to help others find theirs.

41 Comments

  1. I’m dedicated to exposing a narc that is also an abuser(hits his gf). I’ve exposed what I can to her and she is onto him anyways. Now I’m also set on revenge. I have recordings of him. Threatening me, throwing her belongings and hitting her. I plan to put it all on YouTube and send links to his friends and family.

  2. I am stuch in a relationship with a narcissist for almost two years now. I hate myself for loving him so much! Because he cheats on me all the time, and uses me to get things. It wasn’t always like this, he kind of ‘changed’ about eight months after we started dating and a bit of that change can be blamed on me (I kinda withdrew from the relationship emotionally for a while). But the things he did and still does… And the lies! OMG, he lies all the time! And he tells lies that can be easily identifed as lies, which makes me think what’s the point of lying in the first place? He knows I crave his attention, he knows I like him more than he likes me. And that’s the danger. Because I feel like losing him and eventually seem him with other guys will hurt much more than keeping him as he is. I just can’t find a solution to my problem. I tried to break things up with him several times, but he manages to come back and have me back into his arms. But most of the time I feel miserable. I feel rejected and used. I feel like I am worthless and I have considered taking my own life for a while now. Because that looks like the only way to end this suffering.

    1. Hi Andy: I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through right now. You are not alone. There are so many others who have been where you are and have made it through a relationship like yours. Please reach out to someone who can help you get through those periods that are so intense you feel like doing something like taking your life. If you don’t have a friend you can call, you can always text the crisis line #741741 in the U.S. or call 800-273-8255. This is what those numbers exist for, so please use them. We are all here to get you through when those moments pass and help motivate you to leave when you are ready. If you can, please try to seek out a therapist who is knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse and pathological love relationships. Stay strong! -Kristen

    2. You have to break away. Period. And you should report anything illegal especially domestic violence

  3. My ex is a narcissist. I had been with him in total for 8 years before we got divorced which started off in Jan 2018. Not only did he lie to the everyone about the relationship and to the courts as he wanted to win. He wanted to get money off of me as my parents gave me money before I met him. I kept the moral high ground and left him to his own devices.

    Given that we had no offspring together and documented who put in the money into the house that we purchased together we got finally got divorced in end of 2019, there came more slander on social media to try to alienate me from other mutual friends he hadn’t had the chance to force to take sides and his best friend had also threaten to beat me up.

    Enough is enough

    I reported his best friend to the police that I had threats that I was endangered, silly friend decided to send me WhatsApp messages to threaten me. I say he isn’t very smart doing that.

    I got revenge on my ex, he had fraudulently changed his title of his name to “Dr” Claiming that he has a honorary PhD from a University, which was indeed a lie and he has no evidence to prove it. He has a “god” complex where he thinks he is better than everyone else but he had managed to change his driving licence and other sources of ID to say that he is a doctor. So I made an anonymous tip off to his school where he teachers that his is fraudulent and dishonest. I guess they will investigate this and if he isn’t lying he can prove that he had genuinely had received a doctorate.

    I had enough been a walk over too much during the court process, and being alienated enough.

    It took me a while to decide whether I should have reported my ex to his school about his fake academic qualifications, but he was meant to be a role model to young children faking your qualifications isn’t exactly a role model a school should have.

    I can look forward to starting my life without all the toxicity and drama and can honestly say life is so much better without him in it.
    x

  4. It all sounds nice; ‘Get over it, live your best live’ and ofcourse that’s what you should do.
    But not after you have expressed your anger to them in very explited terms. If you do this verbally or by a letter doesn’t matter much. State your truth and disgust to them when you are ready and strong enough.
    Tell it to all the people who ask about what happened. Don’t cover them up out of fear or fake loyalty.
    Then leave it to them to draw their own conclusions. Tell them how they lied and cheated, and abused you in many other ways.
    It’s your words against their’s. You have no control about who they will believe. But you’ve told your truth. Which is strong and helping you to assert yourself again.
    Better than lying beaten down and keeping a silent victim. This will only prolong your depression and victimhood.

    Remember they stole from you big time. They stole the most beautifull gift you had to offer.
    They stole your love and trust. That’s the biggest crime someone can inflict on an other human being.
    And they get away with it while it’s a silent crime. Calculated to perfection to keep out of legal justice.

    One way I took revenge is by knowing all Narcissists are paranoia. They know exactly what they have been doing wrong and try by all means to keep this a secret to anyone else. They live in fear of their victims who might come after them all the time, or to their (new) friends and partners.

    After a year or two recovering I decided to send my ex-narc/psychopath and her new lover an anonymous postcard on newyears-day. Not traceable by any means.
    The message was; ‘I’m in your nightmares and your fears every day. I’m one of those you’ve exploited and cheated on, and your fear will take you out of nowhere.. Just on that silly quiet street you walk on every evening. Forcing you to keep looking over your shoulder all the time. The guild you bare from where there is no escape. Your ghosts follow you everywhere’.

    That was my revenge. Just to get a kind of even in my mind. It wasn’t all. I also destroyed her career in nursery which I made possible for her in the first place. Till I saw I had endorsed a narcissist/sociopath in the nursing-business. The (anonymous) letter I send to this hospital was devestating to her career. Not by my words only ofcourse but because they’ve got some evidence about her they all whitnessed a long time.
    You should fight back. Give them consequenses. Do it wisely. You know where to hurt them the hardest.
    Fighting back (wisely) will elevate your self-respect.
    If someone kicks you; kick back!

    1. Very good. I agree . I’m not even involved romantically and I’m very unhappy. I will get revenge.

  5. I was married to a narcissist for 10 years and she was manipulating and of course new how to hurt me the most which was our children. So she left one day and went to her mothers and over the weekend filled for divorce. Lying about everything and took no responsibility for what she had done. My head was spinning to trying to understand what was really going on. Long story short. She got full custody and moved 125 miles away. Tried to put me in jail on a restraining order and at that time the judge told me in his chambers asi had to sign papers that there is something serious wrong with your wife and I may say stay away from her . My thoughts were about my children. I did and after three months she calls me asking why I’m not seeing my children. She baited me back to keep the fight going. I drove 2.5 hours to pick my kids up to a note saying you’re late took the kids to my sister house April fool’s. And it was 25 years later I found out about narcissism by accident looking up why my kids acting strange. Come to find out that I married into a narcissist family. All have been divorced to no fault of their own. A police officer threw his pregnant wife to the ground with three other children filed for divorce and never talked to any of his children for 20 years.My children have no empathy and are just like their mother. I have no contact with any as it hurts to have seen what my daughter has done to her children. I feel for the children but there is nothing I can do ! It’s been haunting me for years. It’s hard but I did move on 15 years with a wonderful wife so loving and the whole family is great. I believe it was the lord’s blessing me after what I went through. It’s feels good to get it out! Thanks

    1. I feel your pain! But God is good!

  6. After my encounter with my Nex, I realized I could either be a victim or heroin. I chose to be the victor. I don’t consider it revenge. I gave him what he gave me. He love bombed me, we asked his way into my life, then out of nowhere became the darkest human being I’ve ever met. Rage and cold fury. Dismissive, cold and evil. Silent Treatment. I guess he forgot about all those pictures of patients he text messaged me. So yea, HIPAA is real.

    As I reflect, yes I probably should have walked away. Quietly. Ceased contact. Said a prayer for him. But all I could think about are the droves of other women he likely disrespected.

    Poetic justice.

    Revenge is a dish best served cold. Enjoy!

  7. What about when children are involved? My grandchildren are 9 and 7 and the mother excessively involves herself in every conceivable way. Just constant horrible behavior while the divorce is going through. So so sad

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi Ralph: So there is a version of no-contact called “grey rock” which is more like an emotional no-contact. You give no emotional reaction and no information about yourself and you emotionally move on with your life just as you would if you would if you would never see them again. You may want to look up some articles on this to see how other people have gone about doing it. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I wish you continued strength on your recovery journey. -Kristen

    2. It is very sad watching children being used as some manipulation tools…

  8. All I’ve learned from being married to a narcissist for almost 5 years in which I just started realizing he was a narcissist little under a year now is trying to expose them is the worst. He makes me look like I’m crazy, stupid, and horrible. For example: He has convinced me to quit multiple jobs because “it’s to stressful” ,” they treat you so bad”,”let me support the family for while.” Then turns it around that I’m crazy and stupid for quitting and how selfish I was. Wow that’s a huge slap in the face. Won’t admit he took weeks convincing me to quit. He also gets drunk every night then gets crazy on me in front of my kids saying horrible things to me and even goes as low as accusing me of cheating on him with his own brother!! I called his parents one night to get advice ohhh that backfired he then calls his parents convinced them I bought the alcohol for him and that I was cheating with his brother. There is no winning at all with a narcissist. They are horrible and manipulative it makes me go crazy. I’m married to one and currently trying to get away but scared of him.

    1. Dear sarah..
      forgive my poor english nut i can feel what are you going through..the situation is complicated due to the children..if you were alone..ou can easily leave him to win you life back..but having children with him make you obligated to stay on contact with him for the rest of ur life..even if you get divorce..narcissist person is always childish..if you play his game you will never be free..so the best thing you can do is make him feel like winning ..like you do with the kids..and play cold..intel he get’s tired..if you really scare of him that match..
      but in some point you have to face him to get out of this ****..the reason why i said that i feel you..is because i go through the same thing with my mother..and she did fight for us..and im thinkfull to her for the rest of my life for being soo brave to leave..as your kids..they will be greatfull to you..i hope happiness find you where ever you go.

      [Edited by admin]

    2. Run, girl! Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made! I knew it’s time to leave my narc when I started noticing that our son is picking up his abusive behavior.

    3. Yes you can win. Be smart and crafty. There are somany ways these days to record someone. So easy to get solid proof.
      Upload the recording. Google drive is free YouTube is free etc
      Use this to show people the truth. Use it to protect yourself and family. Especially if it gets physical.

  9. I did the same thing, Kristen. Only it was with the other woman. You’re right. It doesn’t work. Nothing does. Just to get away from it all is the answer. Completely away.

  10. I did the same thing, Kristen. Only it was with the other woman. You’re right. It doesn’t work. Nothing does. Just to get away from it all is the answer. Completely away.

  11. How do you “throw someone under the bus with love”?

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi. Others might have a different idea, but I’ll explain my version of how I feel I sort of did this. I exposed my ex by putting up E-mails and texts on Instagram that he had been writing to me after he got married asking to see me and telling me he loved me. I wanted to expose him because he was living two lives and trying to keep this a secret, pretending to be a perfect husband to everyone while telling me that he hated being married, did it only for his family, etc. So I was tired of all of it. I exposed it knowing people would see. My caption was saying that he needed to stop hurting people, and his lives need to meet and I hoped that by doing this he would change and come clean and stop lying to everyone and his wife and start over. Then I went silent. And by the way, it didn’t work. It did expose him but he didn’t change. Of course… lol

  12. How do you “throw someone under the bus with love”?

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi. Others might have a different idea, but I’ll explain my version of how I feel I sort of did this. I exposed my ex by putting up E-mails and texts on Instagram that he had been writing to me after he got married asking to see me and telling me he loved me. I wanted to expose him because he was living two lives and trying to keep this a secret, pretending to be a perfect husband to everyone while telling me that he hated being married, did it only for his family, etc. So I was tired of all of it. I exposed it knowing people would see. My caption was saying that he needed to stop hurting people, and his lives need to meet and I hoped that by doing this he would change and come clean and stop lying to everyone and his wife and start over. Then I went silent. And by the way, it didn’t work. It did expose him but he didn’t change. Of course… lol

  13. Very good post. There is one way to get back at them ‘a little’. And it is so subtle that they will have a hard time getting back at you or possing as the victim. I heard of this somewhere and it is genious. The method was called ‘Throwing him under the bus but with love.’ Even the name is so genius that it’s hard to resist.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Oh, yes, you’re right. I like how you put this. Now that I think about it, I did try this one time, and it is a little different than just straight exposure, because even though it angers the narcissist at first, it helps you avoid the smear campaign if your proof is tight. Excellent point!

  14. Very good post. There is one way to get back at them ‘a little’. And it is so subtle that they will have a hard time getting back at you or possing as the victim. I heard of this somewhere and it is genious. The method was called ‘Throwing him under the bus but with love.’ Even the name is so genius that it’s hard to resist.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Oh, yes, you’re right. I like how you put this. Now that I think about it, I did try this one time, and it is a little different than just straight exposure, because even though it angers the narcissist at first, it helps you avoid the smear campaign if your proof is tight. Excellent point!

  15. This is so complex. There’s nothing more I want then to move on without ever thinking about him but how do I do that when I’m constantly reminded. The limitations and deficits that impact every activity I do is overwhelming. Personally, I think we are getting revenge by being online exposing ourselves and sharing our true story. I haven’t been brave enough to list my last name but both of you have so we aren’t anonymous. Let’s start a movement and force society to change its views on abuse that forgives and allows these vile humans to do what they do! Just a thought.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi V! Thank you for commenting. Yes, moving on is not easy and that’s why I put it as one of the biggest “cons.” It’s the hardest thing to do when everything inside you is telling you to do something else. Just my opinion but I think that trying to do whatever we can to heal from what happened to us *is* moving on. It doesn’t mean we won’t ever be reminded as if it never happened. What happened to us will never go away, it just means we won’t be controlled by it anymore. And that’s exactly why I write too– to get my control back. So to me it isn’t about revenge or him at all. It’s about empowering myself. So maybe it’s all about in how we think about it?

      1. Absolutely! For me too. It’s about not being under his control, and able to talk about what really happened. For me, it feels good to have the muzzle off.

  16. This is so complex. There’s nothing more I want then to move on without ever thinking about him but how do I do that when I’m constantly reminded. The limitations and deficits that impact every activity I do is overwhelming. Personally, I think we are getting revenge by being online exposing ourselves and sharing our true story. I haven’t been brave enough to list my last name but both of you have so we aren’t anonymous. Let’s start a movement and force society to change its views on abuse that forgives and allows these vile humans to do what they do! Just a thought.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi V! Thank you for commenting. Yes, moving on is not easy and that’s why I put it as one of the biggest “cons.” It’s the hardest thing to do when everything inside you is telling you to do something else. Just my opinion but I think that trying to do whatever we can to heal from what happened to us *is* moving on. It doesn’t mean we won’t ever be reminded as if it never happened. What happened to us will never go away, it just means we won’t be controlled by it anymore. And that’s exactly why I write too– to get my control back. So to me it isn’t about revenge or him at all. It’s about empowering myself. So maybe it’s all about in how we think about it?

      1. Absolutely! For me too. It’s about not being under his control, and able to talk about what really happened. For me, it feels good to have the muzzle off.

  17. Basically you are saying there is absolutely NOTHING you can do but “get over it”. Getting revenge doesn’t really help you get over it. There are other ways to get over it.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Yes, I’m saying that basically the only way to get revenge is to leave. “Getting over it” is a very difficult process that I’m not trying to gloss over here, but I think you make an important point. I think sometimes we think that if we get revenge, that will help us to “move on,” but I think that trying to get revenge can do just the opposite. Not only does it not have the intended effect, we just have more fallout to deal with because we are the ones who end up hurt by it when the narcissist responds to what we did, and it just keeps us engaged with them longer.
      Thank you for your comment!

  18. Basically you are saying there is absolutely NOTHING you can do but “get over it”. Getting revenge doesn’t really help you get over it. There are other ways to get over it.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Yes, I’m saying that basically the only way to get revenge is to leave. “Getting over it” is a very difficult process that I’m not trying to gloss over here, but I think you make an important point. I think sometimes we think that if we get revenge, that will help us to “move on,” but I think that trying to get revenge can do just the opposite. Not only does it not have the intended effect, we just have more fallout to deal with because we are the ones who end up hurt by it when the narcissist responds to what we did, and it just keeps us engaged with them longer.
      Thank you for your comment!

  19. pascaleshealingjourney

    Very good post and very good advice. Taking revenge on a narcissist is pointless. They have no boundaries, so if you sink low, they will always sink lower. The only possible outcome is narcissistic rage.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Thank you and thanks for reading! Yes, you are absolutely right. That is a very good way to put it.

  20. Very good post and very good advice. Taking revenge on a narcissist is pointless. They have no boundaries, so if you sink low, they will always sink lower. The only possible outcome is narcissistic rage.

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Thank you and thanks for reading! Yes, you are absolutely right. That is a very good way to put it.

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