This city is haunted for me now.
Something is crushing me–
and it’s the past that never existed.
It’s the way he invaded me
As I spoke my history, dreams, and plans
While he whispered lies
With both lips and eyes.
My memory is an abyss.
My heart is too big for my chest–
it threatens detonation.
I’m going to stop pretending soon
when my future no longer shimmers like
I’m going to shatter into pieces soon
when my mind can stop flitting down
a phantom path.
Even in sleep, the pain pounds relentlessly.
I don’t know what comes next.
Nothing follows nothing.
This world is haunted for me now.
Lisa Anne’s bio:
I’ve since gotten out of the relationship but I wrote this right after I saw his mask slip. That’s not what I would have called it at the time because I didn’t know all the language, but I will never forget what that feels like when you realize your entire world is a lie.
My narcissist was the 6 year partner of a new friend I felt could be my next best friend. Unfortunately she died from a heart attack. Or now I believe Narcisstic Abuse. At the time they seemed close and appeared to have a loving relationship. It seemed he had an interest in me before her death. He invited me to her memorial service and asked me to come to his home before we went to the memorial on Valentine’s Day. I thought other people would-be there but we talked awhile and he suggested we should be friends. I sensed he wanted to be friends with benefits. I was shocked he did this so soon after her death but we began to be friendly. He had to move and Ihelped him with a yard sale where he sold alot of her things. His other female friends were coming around, and an ex girlfriend or two but he let me know he was only interested in me. I was new to the area and met them thru my landlord who thought I needed some local friends while I was caretaker of his ranch while he was CV going to be away a few years. I lived in a huge home by myself and I offered him a room to stay while he greived if he could help with some work. There were many red flags which I overlooked because I never new a narcissist, and I couldn’t even imagine what a huge mistake it was to live with him and began a romantic relationship with him. Triangulation patterns began with a “friend” of his who was a 20 yr old hooker who obviosly pursued him and he led her on. This was CV the first of many “friend”s that had no boundaries and was very disturbing. Fast forward 11 yrs. He found one who he pursued and cheated on me and I stayed with him dispute his refusal to ever talk about it and I was so traumatized and angry and he suggested we both go to anger mgmnt classes. I did but he didn’t but kept making excuses, which many months went by before I quit going and confronted him and he finally admitted he didn’t want to go because only I needed to go. I was so upset and I told him I was suicidal. He pinned my arm behind my back pushed me to the ground and asked a neighbor to call police. He then grabbed my wrists and used my own fists to punch me in the face repeatedly while saying “stop hitting yourself” until the police arrived and arrested me for domestic abuse. This happened again after he admitted to lying about going to get tested for STDs but did not so I would have sex with him again. One year after I had a stroke and realized no contact was the only thing I needed. It’s been a couple weeks now and I feel so broken but I believe I saved my own life and will need help getting over this.
That moment when you realize your entire life is a lie. It’s funny, I remember thinking that many times during the relationship, but stayed. Since our separation last December, there have been times where that realization has hit with no less force than if it had been actually physical. The physical pain is waning now, but I’m not sure the sense of betrayal and disbelief that someone could treat someone in such a way will ever fade.