Some people say survivors are narcissist abuse are codependent. In this article, I will disagree and explain why. Yet if you have benefited from the term “codependency” and feel it does a proper job explaining your situation and helping you move past the relationship with the narcissist, this article is not meant to deter you from using it or to downplay the assistance you have received. Rather, I’m speaking out for my own confusion and frustration about how the term is used, as well as for what I’ve heard from others about how it can also have negative consequences if the term isn’t carefully used (e.g., when it is used as a sweeping generalization of all victims of abuse, etc.). I recognize that, just as the term itself can’t speak for everyone for all the reasons I will describe, the ideas in my article, as with many of the theoretical articles I write, may not apply in all situations. I encourage you to read it with an open mind and, as always, I’m open to your thoughts as well. Thank you for reading!
I have a confession to make.
I have a problem with the term codependent and its application to those who are survivors of relationships with narcissists and psychopaths.
I know that some people find the term beneficial, but my problem with the term comes from its use as a blanket term to apply to all victims of relationships with narcissists. I believe that the term is not only largely misused and irrelevant when it comes to survivors of narcissistic abuse, but, worse, can be a particularly damaging word for the survivors.
It’s not unusual to find the term “codependency” used as an explanation for why survivors of domestic violence entered relationships with abusers or stayed with their partners, but narcissistic abuse is a special type of psychological abuse that has unique characteristics that can be obscured by the application of the term codependency. This can make the term not only inaccurate when applied by outsiders to survivors of narcissistic abuse, but also dangerous.
I will write this article in two parts. In Part I, I will break down what my issues are with the term and its application to narcissistic abuse. In Part II, I will describe why it can be so damaging when it is used and propose an alternative and compromise.
The Definition of Codependency:
Are the Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Really Codependent?
First, let’s talk briefly about the definition of codependency.
If I asked ten different people what “codependency” is, I’d likely get ten different answers. It’s one of those words that everyone seems to feel as if they have a vague idea what it means because they “know it when they see it,” but it is often used loosely by outsiders to describe people other than themselves.
For the sake of demonstrating my point, here are a few examples of definitions:
- relationship dependency or addiction
- excessive reliance on another person for emotional support, approval or sense of identity
- the enabling of an alcoholic, addict, ill or abusive partner
- taking care of another at the expense of one’s own needs
- getting one’s needs met by solving someone else’s problems
- replication of broken parent-child relationship patterns in adulthood
Some of these things barely seem to even fit together, and, for crying out loud, what do some of them even mean? Do people with codependency enable addicts or are they addicts themselves? Are they self-sacrificing to the point of being a doormat or are they actually just selfishly caretaking out of their own need to be needed? Must they have faulty upbringings, or can people without them be codependent? If codependent people are so deficient that they are reliant on others for approval then why try to get it from someone who can’t provide it very well (e.g., abusers, etc.)?
I do understand that somewhere buried in most of this is an underlying current of unhealthy relationship patterns, however, the vagueness is itself the problem that I have with all this. The “definition” has become so broad that many of these applications can mean anything for an outsider who wishes to shape them into a label and judge someone for being in a relationship with someone who has a real problem.
Ann Smith, who has written two books about codependency, agrees the term is overused and misapplied. “The term became commonplace and evolved into a caricature of a passive victim, compulsive caretaker, controller, or enabler often blamed for causing the problem.” She also writes, ” The truth is that what had been labeled in the past as codependency is actually human beings doing what comes naturally—loving.”
It’s important to remember that codependency is not technically a disorder, nor it is even an agreed-upon psychological term. It was a casual observation included in a book written by a mental health professional in the 1960s and then picked up by the Alcoholics Anonymous literature in the 1970s that found its way into popular culture. It was proposed as a disorder in the third version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychological Disorders but ultimately rejected.
One reason why that might be is because of something that Ariana Jeret describes: it’s a dynamic, something that does not exist except in the presence of a relationship, and diagnoses are not applied to couples or other relationship types– they are applied to individuals.
Why does all this matter?
1. Using the Term “Codependent” to Describe Survivors Ignores the Fact That Narcissists Deliberately Con Victims.
Narcissists operate in the shadows and thrive on ambiguity.
The primary distinguishing feature of narcissistic abuse is that they manipulate their partners into the relationships by creating a false persona, or “mask,” based on the needs and desires of the targeted person.
At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist will intentionally lie about his or her past, mirror the partner’s likes and dislikes, and make grandiose promises to fast-track the relationship. The narcissist also puts the partner on a pedestal, intentionally “love-bombing” him or her with excessive praise and flattery. All of this customized attention and affection is deliberately designed to elicit trust, vulnerability and intense emotional bonding.
Then once in the relationships, narcissists have a tendency to engage in tactics that intentionally tear down the self-worth of their partners, erode their boundaries, condition them to behave in ways that go against their own best interests, elicit feelings of paranoia and anxiety, and force them to lose their own internal compass for knowing when to trust themselves.
In other words, narcissists exploit them from day one.
When we begin to use an ambiguous term like “codependency” to describe the victims of people who have taken advantage of others by gaining their confidence only to abuse it, we allow those people to hide their manipulation behind that term by focusing on the victim and shaping their behavior into this amorphous definition, rather than calling out the abuser. It obviously doesn’t matter what traits the victim had, since the definition itself is so vague. We are doing the “devil’s work.”
Using the term codependency to describe all victims overshadows the specific nature of how they were abused and traumatized through intentional deception and manipulation.
2. Codependency Criteria Can Be Confused with Positive Personality Traits that Narcissists Target.
An examination of the criteria that comprise “codependency” pulls up an array of characteristics, some of which appear benign or even positive. Two of the typical criteria offered are people-pleasing and caretaking.
When done at the expense of the self, it is possible to see how either can demonstrate a lack of poor boundaries. Yet, these are often provided without any qualification. What’s wrong with taking care of others or being willing to acquiesce? The implication is that these are negative if done to excess, however, the criteria do not necessarily always specify. What these actually are are personality traits. For example “people-pleasers” may score high on “agreeableness” on personality tests.
This is particularly problematic for victims of narcissistic abuse, because being a “people-pleaser” or “caretaker” is likely to make someone highly desirable to a narcissist. “People-pleasing” can be a euphemism for diplomatic and easygoing. “Caretaking” is a highly laudable trait that can include generosity and willingness to self-sacrifice. These are positive traits that a narcissistic, predatory individual with low empathy would desire in a partner and could find highly exploitable.
The fact that they are exploitable does not make the partner at fault, nor are the traits synonymous with codependency. Yet having them sets up anyone who comes out of a relationship with a narcissist to be labeled as codependent if their basic personality was agreeable, easygoing, or nurturing going in, which it likely was if the narcissist stayed with them for any length of time.
3. The Effects of a Narcissistic Relationship on the Survivor Are Used as Proof of a Codependent Personality.
What is often lost is that someone can be healthy before they enter a relationship and unhealthy after they enter a relationship with a toxic person. If, due to the trauma they endure, they begin to exhibit signs of some of the identified traits of codependency (as shown by these criteria), they can be labeled codependent as if they were codependent all along and that’s what attracted and caused the abuse.
There is no research to support the idea that everyone who enters a toxic relationship does so because they were unhealthy beforehand. Shahidi Arabi writes, “Codependency was a term historically used to describe interactions between addicts and their loved ones, not victims and abusers.
“Dr. Clare Murphy asserts that abuse victims can actually exhibit codependent traits as a result of trauma, not because they are, in fact, codependent. Contrary to popular myth, anyone can be victimized by an abuser – even one with strong boundaries initially, because covert abuse is insidious and unbelievably traumatic…”
In addition, codependency can also be mistaken for trauma bonding. Trauma bonding occurs when someone’s identity has been broken down and their boundaries have been eroded through traumatic experiences that were highly inequitable and resulted in a power imbalance.
To label someone codependent because they were in a relationship with a narcissist is like making the pronouncement that someone was wet after they took a bath. It might be true, but it’s not news. Relationships with narcissists are inevitably toxic and will cause trauma and destructive patterns in anyone.
If you’d like to make the claim that they were wet before they ever stepped into the tub, however, the burden of proof is on you. As previously noted, it isn’t doing anyone any favors for outsiders to claim that victims of narcissistic abuse are codependent as an inherent or ingrained part of their personalities.
Thank you for this. My (ex-)therapist told me that I’m “very codependent.” Yet I’ve never been married or even lived with a partner. (Yet my therapist is on her second husband!) I was alone for 11 years before I got into a narcissistic relationship, and I got out of it just a few months after he switched. The only reason I stayed that long is because he was an old friend from college and had recently split from his wife. I gave him a little benefit of the doubt because I’d spent time with him in my 20s and thought he was a good guy. I couldn’t believe what had happened to him. But I realized he was purposely trying to make things negative, complicated, and nonsensical. And that he was just using me as a transition from being married. We’ve been broken up for nine months, and I haven’t even thought about getting into another relationship. Do I have issues? Sure, everybody does. Were my issues magnified after being conned and traumatized? Yep. (Funny how the narcissist points out how you’re going batty when they’re the ones making it happen.) And then, as you say, the therapist sees all your magnified issues as ones that you’ve always had. But it’s not codependency.
This is a very interesting point.
I’m in a relationship that might be defined as narcissistic/codependent. He is very selfish, I seem to defer to him to maintain the peace.
We have been married for 20 years. I never overly stressed about this, but he has now been unfaithful. Suddenly I feel codependent.
I wonder now…is he narcissistic because I made it easy for him to be that way, or is he manipulative? I can’t tell…
Hi Alane: I agree with you that trauma bonding is a more thorough explanation of what happens in a relationship with a narcissist. But it develops after the relationship forms and is a result of the abuse, which is not the victim’s fault. Thank you for your comment! -Kristen
Hello: Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you have found my words helpful, as I try to write from my heart even if the topics will be difficult.
I do try to remain sensitive to the idea that my words may not be for everyone, so I’m glad to hear that you have found what I’ve written helpful.
Wow! You sound as if you have come back so strong from your relationship, and your understanding of yourself and the work you have remaining is remarkable. I wish you well on your continued recovery. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. You are a wonderful example for all of us and a testament that it is possible to heal. -Kristen
Hi Astrid: I agree that “codependent” can be used as a victim-blaming term. It feels to me as if we can come up with better ways to talk about what happens to victims and how they can heal themselves without taking the focus off the abusers. I appreciate your passion. Thank you for leaving a comment. -Kristen
22 years with a narcissist, they left. I made it easy for them to leave, and they took the bait. Actions speak louder than words. They didn’t have to leave, their choice. Codependent was something I looked into when I researched their md’s diagnosis of NPD. Their brain scan revealed a stunted hippocampus, 2/3 there, 1/3 not. I look forward to the day we all will have scans done. I would be very interested…
I am empathic, easy-going, loving and nurturing. Not co-dependent. I hate that term because it doesn’t mean anything specific, blames the victim and excuses the abuser. Thank you very much for posting this. Our thoughts have arrived at a similar point. Thank you for promising Part 2 as well. I’ll be reading it!
Hi Hazel: Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. Twenty-two years is such a long time. I’m so glad to read that you are no longer in the relationship, and I hope you are doing well now. Please take care of yourself and stay strong! -Kristen
This is absolutely brilliant! I am HIGHLY intelligent, kind, caring, loving, giving, and trusting because I know I would never hurt someone on purpose, therefore expect the same treatment. That word, “codependent ” makes me nauseas! I was not codependent when I entered the relationship nor am I co dependent now! Using that word is to me exactly the same as VICTIM BLAMING and I am sick of it! STOP PUTTING THE FOCUS ON THE VICTIM AND PUT THE SPOTLIGHT ON THE ABUSER! They are evil wicked (human)beings and deserve to burn in hell!
I always used to wonder alot about alot of things until my eyes caught an article about a Narcissist. I never even knew what a narcissit was. My whole world changed after that day because suddendly everything started to make sense. I was in the worst state ever because then I realised that my life never was what I thought it was. I used to cry alot never understanding how a person can tell you they love you but yet show in everyway they hate you. Now I know and it’s as if every article you write completes a part of my puzzle. He is also aware that I know because since then there isn’t a day going by without him saying something nasty to me “in the sense of a joke”. Married for 16 years and only now do I find out about all this. All the things, charming, him and I used to be like best friends when we dated, untill we got married, I started to notice a few things that he always had an excuse for. (I always need to understand why he needs to treat other woman with all the world’s respect, because he always feel sorry for them at how their husbands are treating them, but yet, I continiously have to beg for he’s respect). I’ve been a stay at home mom since the birth of my daughter and I’m almost 40. Now that I know the truth I’m going through all sorts of emotions because I don’t know where to from here. At my age it’s very hard to start a life for myself all over again. I still find myself sometimes in denial because I feel like ‘still love him so much and we do have good times’ but maybe it’s emotional bonding that I experience. I’m still struggling to process everything and try to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of my daughter. Does the fact that I currently find it hard to leave and being financially dependant on him now make me codependant?
Hello: I’m not a therapist and can’t speak to your situation, but I think there are many reasons why people don’t leave and they don’t always have to do with codependency. The fact that you are financially dependent on him and have a child says a lot. People can also be trauma bonded with narcissists and that is not codependency. There might also be other reasons why you find it difficult to leave. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. You are not alone. -Kristen
You ROCK chic!! U sound very intelligent and a strong personality just as myself. I could probably have a PhD in narcissistic personality disorder I’ve read, researched, and studied it & anything that was involved in regards to it, until my eyes bled (metaphorically). Thank u for putting this info out there as no one wanted to touch on the points u make. They Are important and make a world of difference when known and understood. One thing u said that I was pretty proud of myself to claim is that in my situation, I went into the relationship broken down below ground zero (& I mean Literally. Walking dead girl) and left out stronger than Ive ever been. I still have areas to work on, & areas not yet assessed but will present themselves as time passes. I educated myself in order to get my strength and self awareness back so I could & would leave without the chance of returning in a moment of weakness. I was aware that there’d b a trauma bond to deal with but even that subsided after about 24 hours. If I knew it was going to feel that liberated and freeing I’d have done it years sooner. Although it took me about almost 2.5 yrs of diligent work on myself, while in the middle of the war zone, I did leave as Soon as I felt confident that I was ready.
I realized after having a clear, unstressed mind finally that the entire time (5 yrs) that I was with the exNPD had been spent forced to live against my nature. He worked overtime instigating and provoking me until he brought out my darkest part of my being to the surface. That way he wasnt feeling so alone in his depths of darkness that he wallows in inside the prison of his mind. Misery loves company.
Thank you for this well written article. As a victim of Narcissistic Abuse, I found the label Codependent unsettling . It suggests that the victim is at least in part to blame for the abuse. While trauma bonding definitely occurred, to suggest that the victim was at fault is ludicrous as well as hurtful. Codependent seems to be a popular catch phrase, that is hard to define. I fail to see how this label is helpful.
Thank you Kristin, On my own self discovery journey I become very interested in the co dependent word as I looked at many different comments and videos in the past 3 months and it just wasn’t me.
I feel like you have given me another little piece of myself back as this was a stone in the road towards my development and understanding
Looking forward to part 2
Hi Reet: I’m so glad to hear that you found this article helpful. It’s hard to read something and be told we must accept a label when we know it doesn’t apply to us. I know I’m not the first one to say it, but I wanted to point out that there’s nothing wrong with people using a term to describe their own experiences, but it’s harmful to try to force people to accept a label that doesn’t apply to them or to make a sweeping statement about a group of people that isn’t necessarily true. Thank you for your comment. -Kristen