Mental health counselor, thirty years. Married since 03...long history of bad relationships and trying to divorce a lying schemer.

I am 67. A "lady". I was with my male life partner 22 years. I am educated, healthy and well traveled. I like to think I am spiritually evolved. I raised 3 successful, respectful, loving daughters.

Is there a test for narcissism?   Yes and no.  As survivors, we seek out narcissistic tests for two reasons. Either we have a desperate need to know whether someone in our life is a narcissist, or we are worried that we are the narcissistic ones–a seed often planted by repeated interactions with a narcissistic person who casts our normal reactions to their outrageous behavior as irrational and our human needs as self-absorbed.  The concept of a narcissistic test feels like a “magic bullet.” Rack up the correct number of points or say “yes” to the right number of items, and our...

What is coercive control? Most survivors of narcissistic abuse have probably not heard the term “coercive control,” but they should definitely become familiar with it.  Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse in which the abuser instills feelings of extreme dread and anxiety through psychological manipulation and environmental control.  The narcissistic abuse dictionary defines it as: “Excessive monitoring and covert or overt dominance over one or more areas of a partner’s life, such as finances, career, friendships, clothing choices, hobbies, or other. It usually begins as concern for the partner and is cloaked or hidden in many seemingly loving...

At some point in the aftermath of what we’ve been through, we confront the idea of finding someone new after the narcissist who was in our lives.  I’ve had many people, both readers and people in my personal life ask me questions about my own dating life: when I planned to… if I’m doing it… how it’s going…  Yet dating after abuse isn’t something to be taken lightly. Experiences with narcissists have made us both targets and they have made us fearful. Walking this line can put us in the crosshairs for many new pitfalls and perils, and also subject...

If you’re reading this, then like I once was, you’re likely caught in the seemingly endless cycle of trying to break up with a narcissist.  It feels like a madness that we can’t escape. They depart suddenly for reasons that seem either minor or made up completely. They may pretend as if you don’t exist. When they do decide to speak to you again, they act as if they are lowering themselves to interact with you. Or perhaps you are the one to leave because you can’t take their actions anymore, but they won’t stay away. This time, they treat...

The relationship ends. Abruptly. It doesn’t matter if you went no contact or whether the narcissist suddenly cut off contact as if you never existed. You’re on the emotional roller coaster. You can’t stop thinking about what the narcissist is doing at the end of the relationship even though you tell yourself you shouldn’t care.  Why We Obsess about What the Narcissist Does When the Relationship is Over From an outsider’s point of view, from those who haven’t experienced it, the way we endlessly talk about the things they’ve done or how it ended may seem excessive and unhealthy.  What...