Category: Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s likely your human rights are being violated. When I was in a relationship with a pathological partner, he never controlled what or when I took care of my basic needs or kept me from talking to others. However, he did exert quite a bit of control over my wardrobe, where I went, who I saw, and with whom I interacted. “I never told you that you couldn’t hang out with your friends!” he would say to me. It was always said in a tone that suggested I was crazy for implicating...

When most people hear the term “narcissist,” they’re not asking themselves, “What do narcissists want?”  They’re envisioning someone who talks about themselves too much or takes a lot of selfies.   That’s obvious, they’re likely thinking. Narcissists want attention. So the stereotype goes. These traits are essentially harmless and may even be amusing when portrayed in pop culture. However, some narcissists carry other more sinister traits.   Pathological narcissists lie excessively, wear different masks around different people, have secret lives, and fake positive emotions. The heart of narcissistic abuse is the deliberate manipulation of others into willingly making themselves vulnerable enough so...

There are so many different types of narcissism that exist. It can be confusing trying to sort out their qualities and behaviors. In addition, what can sometimes make it even more unclear is that narcissism is often treated only as a negative quality. However, Harvard psychologist Craig Malkin (2015) indicates that narcissism is a spectrum trait. On one end lies healthy narcissism, and on the other lies unhealthy narcissism.  The spectrum can tell us a lot about how people prioritize their own emotions and needs. Someone without healthy narcissism has difficulty standing up for themselves and always puts other people...

Can a narcissist love us? It’s easy to become obsessed with that question.  Out of all the questions we have, isn’t that one of the critical questions about narcissists that we want to try to answer? [Read Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissists? And Other Questions] There’s a kernel inside that question of whether narcissists can love that feels connected to almost every other question we have about the relationship.  If we could crack this question about narcissists and love, it seems as if everything else we don’t understand might fall into place. [Read Closure 7 Reasons Why Narcissists Won’t Give...

Narcissist lies are weapons. You may have asked the narcissist to account for their behavior. If you got answers at all, they likely didn’t make sense. There’s poison in their non-answers. It seeps into you a drop at a time until you’re sick with their self-loathing, and they’re drunk with their control of you. This non-reality is the very essence of narcissism. If you’ve interacted with narcissists enough, you’ll know that you can’t make them tell you the truth directly. However, sometimes they’ll tell you the truth indirectly if you pay close enough attention. So when can you tell when...

If you’re in love with a narcissist, I’m sorry to say it, but you’re in a cult. How does it make you feel to read that?  Dismissive of words that sound alarmist?  Angry that I would put victims of narcissistic abuse and cult members in the same category?  Shocked that your experience of narcissistic abuse might have something in common with anything other than, well, others’ experience with narcissistic abuse?  If you feel dismissive of this idea, it may be because you have perceptions of cults that don’t seem relevant to your relationship.  For example, when you think of cults,...

Is there a test for narcissism?   Yes and no.  As survivors, we seek out narcissistic tests for two reasons. Either we have a desperate need to know whether someone in our life is a narcissist, or we are worried that we are the narcissistic ones–a seed often planted by repeated interactions with a narcissistic person who casts our normal reactions to their outrageous behavior as irrational and our human needs as self-absorbed.  The concept of a narcissistic test feels like a “magic bullet.” Rack up the correct number of points or say “yes” to the right number of items, and our...