I was approached by a woman living down the street from a job site. A woman I had seen walking with her children but I had had no interaction with other than to say hello.
This woman came to my home under the pretense of learning about nature. This woman was married at the time and she propositioned me with helping to put the “spark” back into her unhappy marriage.
I informed her that I would not touch another’s man’s wife. She said her husband was aware of what she was doing. I told her that I needed to look him in the eye and hear him confirm. Her husband met me at a local bar a few days later and told me the same. I had my fears and concerns about becoming involved in such a sordid business. I was worried about my reputation, their little girls.
They both asked for discretion and secrecy, claiming they did not want such an “unconventional” arrangement to stigmatize the children or the husband’s career. We live in a small town and these people are Mennonite. I am not from that background and have no ties to their subculture. In other words a perfect sucker!
I will admit that I let my judgment be clouded by loneliness and lust. I succumbed to my baser instincts. I became this woman’s “back door man.”
Within a month or so she declared her love for me. By three months, she had left her husband “for me.” She said she had been waiting her whole life for a man like me. “We were soulmates.” The universe had finally brought us together.
I was such a damn fool!
She was so good to me, so sweet, so kind. I had never had a woman treat me so well and seem to understand me. Like I said, I was a damn fool.
I fell for her! Head over heels.
I developed a friendship and love for her girls. We shared Christmas together. Easter at her father’s. I met siblings. She told me what a good influence I was in her and her daughter’s lives.
I did feel guilt towards her husband, but I was feeling such joy that I didn’t analyze what she had said and done to him.
We had a few disagreements.
They were strange…puzzling.
She made some remarks, slips of the tongue. Foolishly, I did not let any of the red flags register.
She came to me one day upset. She was pregnant.
I was not surprised She was hypersexual and refused birth control other than the rhythm method.
She had stated earlier in the “relationship” that she wanted to have my child. She had even said that she wished that I was her daughters’ real father.
I told her that I was with her and I would always stand with her whatever her decision.
I took her to the clinic five days later where we were shown a picture of a six-week-old baby.
Twenty-four hours later she would not acknowledge my existence.
She claims that I am an abusive monster and went no contact.
I was never allowed to say goodbye to her girls. I was never allowed any honest reason or justification.
It turns out she wasn’t sure who the father of that baby she aborted was!
I admit that this entire nightmare has caused me to become unstable and hostile but I am only human.
I was a good man before I allowed this evil into my life.
Now my reputation is trashed and I am an abusive man. This has been a condensed version of events.
This nightmare is so much worse than I am capable of putting into words! Thank you for allowing me an opportunity to express my pain. I have no resources.
I have been shunned and declared a damaged and bad man. I swear on my mother’s grave and in all that is sacred to me that I have fabricated none of my story.
I will give my life in defense of my truth!
I am 45 year’s old and a self-employed carpenter. I am passionate about nature and natural history. I believe in the “Golden Rule.” I have tried to live my life by that principle. I do have my weaknesses. I will admit to them and I try not to allow them to negatively affect others. I have strong beliefs about morality, equality, and justice. I try to temper these ideals with compassion and understanding. If I believe that an injustice has been committed to myself, to another, to the earth, I am not afraid to stand and fight. I try to choose my battles wisely. I don’t know how to fight this battle wisely. The damage that this past “relationship” has left me with has broken me. I don’t know how to move forward. I am not the man I used to be. I can’t stand what I have become. Allowing this “force” into my life is the greatest mistake I have ever made. I was a fool. I didn’t know manipulation, cruelty, and deceit until I allowed this woman into my life.
Thank you Matt for all that you’ve shared. What you’ve said resonates with my experiences. I’ve been married to what you call, “this force,” for a very long time. I have become a different woman. I used to be so cheerful and upbeat. This encounter has rocked me to the core. I too became someone I felt and sometimes still feel asheamed of. I was always on the defense lashing out, yelling, bitter and all. I guess I was in survival mode and did not know how to protect myself against this man and his cult family. The things they said about me was whittling my esteem away. I moved from another state after meeting this man one year prior to marrying him. I left my office job, famuly, basically everything to be with him. I moved to his small remote town. I thought he was a good God-fearing man only to find out he was a belligerent head-job. I am still living through this nightmarish marriage. It has taken a toll on me and my psyche. I am uncertain of so much and the pain that’s a whole story withing itself. This has been one of the most painful experiences i’ve been through in my life. I feel as if I am in a prison camp that uses psychological tricks to destroy my identity. Like a slow death. bit by bit, piece by piece my dignity and life were being chipped away from me. I’ve encountered others who do not believe me and blame me for what i’ve experienced, saying that I must’ve done something. People want to believe the lie. If a person hasn’t lived through this kind of abuse he or she has no clue what you or I are talking about. Somehow, I don’t think anyone can imagine the evil that exists in others until…. they’ve found themselves entrapped in this vortex of darkness, malevolent and malignant wickedness. I have found hope in Jesus Christ and I am aware that my journey to healing is just that, a journey. I would advise you, to be patient with yourself, forgive yourself and look to God for grace. I know how I blamed myself and I do take responsibility to for my ignorance, stupidity and co-dependency. These are all weakenessses. I accept myself, weaknesses and all (at least I’m working toward this anyway). I pray to God to forgive my sins and help me to forgive my husband but I realize forgiveness do not mean I want to stay. I want to leave and have to pray for the strength to do this too. Be thankful that this person left your life, if not, you would be on an emotional rollercoaster until this very day. Your life, emotions, finances, esteem and all would seem to be going in a downward spirtal. You would still be sucked into the black hole of evil malignancy. Stay on your journey of healling. Best wishes to you and all the best.
My narcissist is my son. He’s been like it since he was 10 years old. I am (I think) his only victim. He has recently become a father and I a Grandmother for the first time. To condense everything he’s done it’s now got to the point where I cannot see my Grandson because I posted too many pictures of him on fb. What is a proud Grandmother supposed . Act like I don’t care. Had I not posted the pictures I would have been accused of not caring. I can’t win either way. He has blocked me from all communication with the baby and the Mother. My heart is breaking. I’ve sent him 3 apologise but to no avail. Any help out there would be gratefully appreciated.
Feel free to contact me at [email address edited out and sent to author privately] and perhaps I can be of help that goes beyond what you’ve been offered hitherto ?..
I don’t want to you trust me, anyone else, and especially yourself at this point,…and I will elaborate on this further once I hear from you – therefore telling you that I have no ulterior motive is meaningless at this juncture of things for you; but thought I’d get that out of the way, just the same . …
One of many of the abuse of TOXIC MONSTERS.
You sound like a good person. For telling the woman married to this horrific man and his family that you would help her, if and when she was ready to untangle herself from them, I think this situation she is in is frankly terrifying. I’ve been in many toxic relationships, still scarred for life, I’m glad I never married anyone. It’s much harder to get away. The first one was my own Mother. And so the cycle continues with yourself putting yourself in danger too. It’s like you have a secret signal that attracts this reprehensible behaviour from both Males and Females. I’ve lost count of the amounts of toxic events i’ve been through.
Hello Matt, may I suggest that you see a professional therapist immediately, one that specifically works with victims of malignant narcissistic personality disorder abuse. This personality disorder is insidious and extremely precarious as well as dangerous. These afflicted individuals are deplorable and sadistically enjoy the pain and suffering they inflict. I am a survivor of this abuse, I have been victimized for thirty five years, and I am now free and starting to my journey toward healing. It is not easy but it is worth it. You can manage with the right support and infrastructure for your self care. Please educate yourself as well, it is empowering and will help you understand the disorder (s). It is not you that is damaged and disordered your perpetrator is and unfortunately always will be, there is no cure or treatment. You were used and abused with intention by your perpetrator. They are extremely aware of what they are doing, and they are extremely disordered. Authors: Jackson McKenzie, Shahida Arabi, Sam Vaknin and HG Tudor have been extremely educational for me. You are biochemically addicted to your perpetrator, be patient and seek help to heal, you can do it and you are worth it…
I am so very sorry! The same thing has happened to me and I am moving! It is heart breaking. Praying for you!!
My nightmare started 9.5 yrs ago. I have been no contact for 15 months. She was recently separated with a 2.5 yr old boy who I raised as mine for 8 yrs. That boy became my 1st concern. When that happened she came to our house with cops. Took some of her and [name edited]’s things and I never saw them again. Periodically she hovered but I had discovered the covert narc which meant no contact. My heart breaks for my boy she stole away from me every day. I love that little boy so.
Debra A Finley
Matt iam so sorry that you have had to go thru this.I feel your pain. Iam sure you are a good man.Most of the time, us whom have good hearts and our genuine, are the victims and they turn us into the manipulators.Stay strong and keep your head up.God sees everything.Pray for God’s strength and His wisdom.
I feel for you friend. You are not alone. It is hard-indeed impossible-for any decent person to fathom that this type of evil really does exist. Until they have experienced it up close and personal. Like you and I have. And many others. You are not alone. Yes,you have a lot of healing to do. But you can do it! And come out the other side a much stronger,wiser man. From now on,you will recognize the warning signs early. Get into some professional counseling. Develop some type of support system. You will move forward. Slowly at times,but stick with it. Don’t give up! You will be a much stronger and wiser person coming out the other end. Best of luck to you.
thank you for sharing!
I know that nothing feels the same anymore and all your thoughts are surrounded around what happened.
But you got to make that choice and choose yourself. You need to put yourself first… you just haven’t made that decision yet. But that’s ok! It took me 7 years and 7 days, on the 7th of July I said no more! It’s was like my eyes have opened for the first time, I could not only see what’s happening in the moment (and blaming myself for everything) it’s like for the first time I could see past it like I wasn’t present but I was above it.
You will do it in your own time, but be kind to yourself and let the grief in – it will pass, I promise.
But you got to make that decision.
It was as i had written this article. I am 52, retired successfully and confident in my ways z i met a 24 yr old female that was married for 3 months at work. She was new. Immediately it was clear she was into me and wanted a hookup. She said their marriage was over only after 3 months. I was also a fool. The 1st date was sex she planned and initiated. She proposed marriage within 6 months, her bed was still warm and it disgusts me what I did and what I became. This went on for 5 years. I never married her because she legitimately hit all the red flags from love frauds list. She was a covert narcissist with sadism and cerebral mixed. It was terrible the emotional and physical abuse this woman dished out. What made ten times worse. She is in law enforcement and these people are supposed to hold a higher standard. Found out later she broke up numerous marriages and was serial cheater with marries men. I will never be the same.!now 4 mo no contact.
I know what you are going through. The similarities are there. Prayers to you sir. Seriously talk to someone.
I have similarities as well…but we all do bc these Narcs are basically the same. We are all psychologically & emotionally abused & some like me are also physically abused. I am in therapy & i follow Fairy Tale Shadows, Sam Vaknin & H.G. Tudor Best Wishes to you.
Thank you for reading and responding. What a terrible thing we share.Such unnecessary,senseless pain.
I do have a few trusted people to talk to.I have two sisters and a brother left. I 1couldn’t have made it this far without them and a couple trusted friends. I am thankful that they cannot share what we do.Unbelievably, my oldest and closet friend committed suicide 2mths ago.I didn’t see that one coming either.I appreciate your prayers and support.