Notes From Kristen

The Five Views of the Narcissist and How Our View Must Shift Over Time Before We Can Leave

People who have never been in a relationship with a narcissist fail to understand why it takes so long to leave one.

Even afterward, we are sometimes left beating ourselves up over why it took us so long.

This is destructive and unhelpful.

Others ask the question because they were not emotionally involved. It’s easier to look at the issues in the lives of others from an objective standpoint and make principled statements about what should be done when there are no attachments to be considered.

We should know.  That’s exactly how narcissists and psychopaths make their decisions about what they do. 

We don’t do that, however, and most of the people advising us don’t either. They just can’t see what we see.

Neither can we explain it to them most of the time because we aren’t even able to explain it to ourselves. Just struggling for control of our own minds back is hard enough.

There are five stages (the Five Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment) we must pass through psychologically in order to get control of our own minds back before we can leave. These stages involve an awareness that the relationship is abusive and acceptance leading to awakening that the relationship will not change and that we have the power to leave it and must take action to do so.

At the same time we pass through these stages and gain a new understanding of the relationship and of our own power to act within it, our view of our partners changes as well. It must change, in order for us to proceed through these stages and to finally act.

In fact, when we are stuck in one stage of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment, it is often because we are holding onto a view of the narcissist that we are unable to let go of. 

Below are the five views of the narcissist that correspond to the Five Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment and what those views represent.

Our Five Perspectives of the Narcissist 

1. The Soulmate

This is our very first impression of our partners. It is the impression that we form when the narcissist inevitably begins to provide us with all of the targeted love-bombing and attention. He or she seems to accept us completely for who we are.

They like the things that we like and are able to anticipate what we need. Their attention causes us to feel as if they really see us.

He or she praises us and tells us they’ve never felt this way before. Our world expands to make room for the narcissist because the narcissist has feigned vulnerability which eventually wrenches the real thing out of us.

Then the first stage of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment is triggered after the first “incident” when our partners do something horrible and that seems impossible for someone who loves us so much, and we get our first glimpse behind the mask.

Because it conflicts with this Soulmate persona we formed of the narcissist and we are psychologically pressured by both the narcissist and our own minds to resolve the cognitive dissonance in favor of this persona, this leads to the denial that characterizes the first stage.

2. The Wounded Child

At some point, we can no longer hold onto this pure Soulmate image of the narcissist once too many instances of the horrific treatment have occurred. A new version of him or her emerges that combines the Soulmate persona with one that incorporates our understanding of him or her as more disordered than we initially believed.

This triggers Stage #2 of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment. We have likely been doing a lot of reading about narcissism online at this point, but it may seem too harsh or unreal to believe.

To soften the idea that our partner’s behavior fits what we are reading while rejecting the idea that the outcome is as dismal as it seems, we attach a flawed but optimistic spin on our Soulmate personal, one of the “Wounded Child.”

The Wounded Child persona dovetails with the narcissist’s psychologically abusive tactics such as gaslighting, blameshifting, and sympathy ploys. If there’s a cause, we think, then surely it can be remedied.

We hold out for change, and yet our confusion over how to resolve the continuing conflict of these two competing versions of them deepens with the new image of them, however.

3. The Mad Dog

At some point, however, as the relationship continues even the Wounded Child persona no longer fits. At a later point in the abuse cycle, the narcissist views us as the problem, because we are no longer a solid source of narcissistic supply.

We may be asking too many questions or demanding to be treated with respect. The devaluation at this point by the narcissist becomes so pervasive that we have come to accept that he or she is more than just a wounded child.

Once we progress to Stage #3 of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment, for the first time we will begin to accept that we can no longer ignore the fact that the narcissist is dangerous to our well-being and we need to stop trying to salvage things. The view we have of the narcissist shifts to that of the Mad Dog persona. A dog that has been abused and doesn’t trust humans may bite them when one comes near.

The narcissist is both wounded and dangerous. Yet what characterizes this stage is the fact that we feel as if we knew the narcissist before he or she became dangerous and feel helpless to abandon the relationship and accept this new reality as-is.

4. The Stranger

Only by accepting that all of the views of the narcissist we have had thus far are manufactured and not entirely accurate can we begin to break away. All of these views, as with all of the views of the relationship (as corresponding with the stages of enlightenment to the abuse), are illusions.

Entering Stage #4 of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment and beginning to see the narcissist as a Stranger is a turning point.

In the previous three stages, the narcissist was still in control. Narcissists are able to keep us in a state of denial, confusion, or helplessness by obscuring the abuse behind a persona they present to us to make what they do either acceptable or insurmountable.

This makes us willing participants in our own exploitation but without our own informed consent.

For example, seeing him or her as a Soulmate or mirror image allowed us to deny as an anomaly the other presentation of self after they engaged in the initial actions that conflicted with that view because we believed what had been presented to us at the outset.

Later, as the image shifted and the new persona became one of the Wounded Child,  we viewed what had been done to us as mistakes or errors that could be corrected if we could only do the right things.

Finally, as we accepted that the problem was too deeply rooted for our early optimism to have been a realistic assessment of the situation, the view shifted to one of a Mad Dog, because we felt too defeated to escape.

Instead of the narcissist changing, we changed into a person who was a shadow of one we once had been, conditioned and afraid to make a move and trapped with the person whose fluctuating behavior could harm us in an instant.

Once we enter Stage #4 of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment, however, we come to realize that the person we have been in a relationship with is not at all who we thought they were.

They are not in fact– some combination of the soulmate, the wounded child, and the mad dog.  Instead, they are someone else who is capable of doing the things they have done to hurt us either intentionally or incidentally, and we see this more clearly at this stage.

As we grow empowered in our own realization that we can and must change the course of the relationship ourselves, we become even more estranged from the narcissist.

They are foreign to us now, a Stranger, and that individualization from them leads to a desperation to break away from the danger we have observed for so long.

5. The Dead Agent

In the final stage of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment, we see the truth of the relationship for what it was, that they were always in it for themselves. This may not come until no-contact has officially been achieved.

The “Dead Agent” persona allows us to see through all of their words and actions. In espionage, a dead agent is one whose cover has been blown and he or she can therefore no longer be sent out into the field.

Although we might not yet understand all of the motives behind what they did, and although we may continue to have emotional responses to what happened, their gestures will seem empty and hollow.

 *  *  *  *  *

The Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment and their corresponding views of the narcissist are not necessarily linear. It is more likely we that we pass back and forth among them, and that they may overlap slightly before we even realize we have left one of the stages behind for good.

When we are in the relationship, we can’t see what’s happening. Once we do start to see it, it’s hard to wrap our minds around it. Once we’re out of it, we can’t explain it.

Our truth is that we did love them and we shared something special with them, but that they did treat us horribly. Both are true. What is also true, however, is that at different times, they have negated this version of events.

They contort between acting blameless and taking blame, being “sorry” and acting as if nothing ever happened, putting us on a pedestal and making us feel worthless. And all it really does is make us confused about what’s real.

This is their version of events.

That’s okay. Let them keep that delusion.

As we pass through the Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Enlightenment and regain a foothold in reality and realize how we were abused, we will begin to see them in a light that allows us to choose ourselves over the narcissist and their version of what happened.

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Kristen Milstead

Instagram: fairytaleshadows

19 thoughts on “The Five Views of the Narcissist and How Our View Must Shift Over Time Before We Can Leave

  1. Hi Kristen,

    You describe every detail so clear and like it is.
    Thanks again, i believe everybody in this situation needs this guidance. I think i’m in stage 3 and moving to 4. At this point i”m starting to care less and not giving my love in the way i did before. Its almost like i fake it. I also avoid him by being more on my own because i feel my energy go down when he is near me. I used to try to keep it going and come up with good ideas. I dont do that anymore and take more care of myself now. Still i cant see how i will escape this but i hope its a process.

    1. It is DEFINITELY a process. Not so long ago, I was exactly where you are. I could have written every word of your post.
      You are disconnecting, hopefully because there is something inside that, despite all the mind-bending and energy sucking he’s done, is telling you that you don’t deserve the anger that can just pop out of anywhere for the slightest offense. It’s a little nice that tells you that you don’t deserve to feel bad about yourself because you just can’t make him happy. Listen to that voice. Follow it. The trail can be long and scary, but you’ll be ok.
      Something you may find interesting: one night, the Rabid Dog was meaner than ever and walked out the door, calling me horrible names and saying he was done. As hard as it was, I let him go. I was devastated. Of course, having no where else to go, the Stranger appeared the next day, thinking he could just…come back. I told him he had to get his things and stay away. It hurt like crazy and I was petrified of the outcome, but you know what the deepest emotion I felt was? Relief. It was such an intense feeling that it lasted 6 straight days. For almost a week, part of me was so happy that I wasn’t even mourning the end of my 3 year relationship.
      One thing that has really helped me along is that I’ve gone into therapy. Having a really smart, compassionate person help me figure out how to understand that part of myself that put up with that bullshit has been invaluable. I cried my eyes out in one session over the Wounded Child – I called it the Lost Boy.
      Hang in there! Keep reading, too. You are so not alone.

    2. Hi ladies I agree I could rewrite everyones post here straight from my heart and soul. All I can say is “DITTO”. I distance myself from him as much as i can and take better care of myself now. I know the signs and manipulations but i would never in a million years understande WHY? How does one become so heartless and cruel to another human being. Ive been doing this for nine years I dont want to be use to it. I long for some one to be nice to me to show some compasion and maybe feel loved again.i never really knew what one was (a Narcasist) till i went on pinterest and looked under the relationship quotes …Pinterest really has detailed info on it and when my best friend and i read them we were like now we get it.. Ive been here so long due to feeling sorry for the person who doesnt exist ….how sad is that. Ladies keep empowering each other and get out . I will follow my own advice too… we deserve so much more …. The world seems to be creating more and more of them everyday….. blessings to all

      1. Hi Cynthia: Hello and thank you for taking the time to leave a comment! You are so right that there are many of us out here and you and your friend are definitely not alone. Please keep reading everything you can find on the Internet to help educate and empower yourself. I believe it helps turn your mind away from how they condition us to think that what we should be doing is being used to it! We can and do get out, and there is hope on the other side. 🙂 Yes we do deserve more. I am wishing peace and strength for you along this journey. Thank you for being here. -Kristen

  2. Kristen, this is amazing! I have been following since I first tried to extricate myself from my relationship. As I read this, it was like videos of different moments would play in my head. I identified with each and every stage.
    I am so grateful to have your new posts to read, especially when I felt myself starting to get sucked back in – that was probably when I needed them the most. You’re doing a great thing.

    1. Hi Sarah: Thank you, I don’t feel as if I am doing anything but putting my thoughts into words that help me make sense of everything I went through, but it feels so validating to know that others can relate. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I am glad that my posts have been helpful. Stay strong! -Kristen

    1. Hi Grace: Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to visit my blog and read the article. -Kristen

    2. Hi Grace: Thank you so much for your kind words, and thank you for visiting my blog. Stay strong! -Kristen

  3. I think I’ve accepted he will never let me go, I had done really good last 4th of July I left got my own apartment got on my feet had made some friends still felt disassociative but but so much progress just so I could let everyone down and lose it all in one moment and come back to the hell hole it took me so long to leave I’ve been back since March and hes worse than ever. and see everything so clearly now that it’s very depressing to see it for what it is and for who I could have been and for who I’m not anymore and the damage its done mentally is irreversible . He’s a stranger that won’t love me but won’t let me go so maybe there’s hope if there’s a stranger stage

    1. Hi Sarah: The damage is not always irreversible. First, you must stop interacting with him. The longer you are in contact, the longer it will take to undo the damage and the more damage there will be to undo. There are forms of therapy that can help with trauma and, although it may not seem like it now, there is a better life waiting on the other side. Please don’t give up. -Kristen

    2. Hi Sarah. You have proven already that you can do it with out him in your life.. You can do it again we are only human and make mistakes too. Just like when your in recovery relapse is part of recovery its exspected.. The same thing applies here … We all lost alot being with them allowing this to go on in our lives so we feel defeated, low self esteem and unloved . I know how hard it is but you got out once you can do it again… once your out throw yourself into the community volunteering , working or just going out to meet new friends and find a friend to empower you and help build you back up…. i did and i find new strength to fight off this relationship. I found all these years i wanted him to love me but i know now i dont need him to love me cause i love myself and the person im becoming because of this ordeal.. You can too ….

  4. Kristen, I know so many others have said it, but your descriptions of this experience are just spot on. I really appreciate how you emphasize a factual understanding and don’t give in to black and white thinking about the narcissist themselves. I experienced a narcissistic romantic relationship a few years ago that landed me in treatment for PTSD. I am currently mourning the loss of a platonic friend who turned out (I believe) to be a duplicitous narcissist. This time I ended up at the final phase of viewing him for what he is in very little time, because I had seen such things before. I think most people have a really difficult time understanding that a person who presents as kind, compassionate, and empathetic can actually be stone cold dead inside when it comes to feelings for other human beings. It is a disturbing thought and most people just don’t make it through the cognitive dissonance. I was definitely good supply/fuel for my friend but I figured out what was behind the mask and called him on it. He hasn’t spoken to me since and I wonder if he will bother to return. Prior to this, I would have told you that I never found it so effortless to talk with anyone in my life, never felt like anyone made me feel so comfortable, so validated, so visible. Now I know why. I know other people who are completely dazzled with him but I know that trying to tell them the truth will only result in me looking hysterical, so they will have to find out for themselves, I suppose. Going through a second round of this with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with has really helped me see the pattern because I am more objective and less emotional.

    1. HI Michelle – I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. This part really hit home for me: “…but I know that trying to tell them the truth will only result in me looking hysterical, so they will have to find out for themselves, I suppose.” That part is so frustrating for me – it feels like another way they silence us and get away with their crap. I was listening to a podcast where the speaker said we need to start calling out these narcs and make them accountable for their actions, despite the fact we look crazy. But it really does seem to get you nowhere, and eventually you get to a point where you have to let go and move on. It sucks. The narc I broke up with in April just moved halfway across the country, which is nice for me because I now feel much safer living about in my daily life. But when I found out he was moving out there for an “old friend” that was recently widowed and has two kids very close in age to my own, my stomach turned thinking about what that family is about to experience on top of the giant loss they just went through. But I knew if I tried to warn her, it would just get shrugged off as desperate actions from a crazy ex.

    2. Hi Michelle: I didn’t give into it because the black-and-white thinking did not work for me in trying to heal. It didn’t provide me with the satisfactory answers I needed for closure, either in understanding my own behavior or my ex-boyfriend’s. I am so glad that it can be helpful to others as well. I understand so well all of what you say about feeling comfortable and validated and yet later understanding what is behind the mask, and yet knowing that others must learn for themselves. I have found that, at least for me, that too has been part of the healing process: I cannot concern myself either with trying to save other people who might be another victim of his or of other people who are narcissistic; I can only take care of myself and try to help others understand what narcissism and narcissistic abuse looks like so that they can help themselves. Maybe that idea can bring you some peace as well. Stay strong and thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. -Kristen

  5. Im on the fence if he really is a narcissist or not. How do I know for sure? He doesnt put me down or make me feel worthless but everything else he does. Help!

    1. Hi Kelli: With narcissistic abuse there is usually some sort of deception of hiding their true nature and create a person they want you to think they are that you will fall in love with through lovebombing you at the beginning but then the mask comes off. There is a cycle to the abuse where the narcissist feels as if he or she is the one being wronged and twists things around while doing horrible things but won’t allow you to feel normal human emotions over what they have done. Does any of this sound familiar? -Kristen

  6. Everything you write is my experience verbatim. Is there a private way to contact you? I can explain why in a private email. I can’t believe after all this time, I am still coming out of the triggered trauma even though I realized all of this long ago. Not having it heard, understood or validated in any way really kept me stuck…not able to heal or move forward (even though not with him). Thank you so much. Doesn’t anyone think it’s odd that all these women who’ve never met are having the same experience? If it can be shown it exists by MANY and they all claim an eerily similar pattern and cycle, they all experience debilitating trauma ( depending on how many of these cycles you went though, I guess, or how high your tolerance for abuse is) and yet it’s not commonly known by the very therapists that are supposed to be able to pick up on this and help. In my case, he was SO conniving and has been doing this for so long and extremely skilled, that he had a therapist already on board when I met him. To help new targets trust him…part of the lure. (At his age, he was 51 when all this started and it ended when he was 57 and he is now 58 and still at it) Since never married, women are cautious and he has his therapist totally fooled and uses him to get new targets to see him as the victim and instantly trust him. Ugh. I went to see him with my now ex (when I was still my normal rational self….that girl they hate and can’t wait to break….as in, ” how dare she try to set healthy boundaries fo r herself…well i will show her”) and told him I thought it was a bad idea and he needed time after the “crazy ex” (that I would also become) and the therapist convinced me that he just needed love???? Even his therapist was trying to dismiss my instincts. Bc I was older and my instincts kicked in quickly and I wasn’t about to fall for a bunch of ridiculous love bombing (been there done that), he immediately played the wounded child and I did fall for that bc the therapist played it too. Ugh. now that I think about it, he had to be laughing inside. He wasn’t even going to have to put in the time, energy or money to love bomb me….he was loving it. He played this so well, I never even got a date for over a year! Don’t ask. ugh. I think the older they are, without getting exposed, they have SO much experience with these abuse tactics, they are truly masters. It’s frightening. When professionals look at my experience, they don’t even see it as an abuse type thing really, though definitely abusive, abuse will also show an “imbalance of power”. He was so skilled at these tactics that I literally had NO power (took time but he succeeded bc i was completely isolated) and so they see it more as a hostage/slave type thing. Obviously the chains were all psychological but that’s how effective this type of abuse can be when the gas-lighting is well done (and you have no idea what gas-lighting is) and extremely isolated and smeared. Long story but jaw dropping. Thank you again. You’re helping many. Keep blogging!!!! Karin

    1. Hi Karin: Thank you so much for reading and for leaving a comment, and for your patience awaiting my reply. I’m so sorry to hear of what you are going through. It’s so destructive what they put us through. Yes, you can message me privately. Please write to fairytaleshadows@gmail.com. Stay strong and please take care of yourself! -Kristen

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