People who have never been in a relationship with a narcissist fail to understand why it takes so long to leave one. Even afterward, we are sometimes left beating ourselves up over why it took us so long. This is destructive and unhelpful. Others ask the question because they were not emotionally involved. It’s easier to look at the issues in the lives of others from an objective standpoint and make principled statements about what should be done when there are no attachments to be considered. We should know.  That’s exactly how narcissists and psychopaths make their decisions about what they...

After being in a relationship with a narcissist, at least one thing becomes crystal clear: we never want to give another one the chance to do that kind of damage again. It’s important to learn and recognize the warning signs of narcissism so that we can keep ourselves safe. Sometimes, after leaving relationships with narcissists, our judgment may feel off and we end up at extremes. Either we can up right back in another one or we begin to see narcissists everywhere and withdraw into ourselves, afraid to interact with the world. It’s crucial, therefore, not to get distracted by...

Closure in a relationship with a narcissist is challenging regardless of whether we decide to finally go no-contact with them, or they leave abruptly (which is always the way they leave if they decide to do so). There are multiple ways that a “break-up” with a narcissist may occur. A partner may cut off contact completely without letting the narcissist know that he or she is doing so out of concerns for safety or to avoid narcissistic rage or intense attempts getting the partner to stay that it might cause (or even some combination of all three). The narcissist may...

I’ve previously written about the characteristics to which narcissists are attracted.  The partners tend to be easygoing and give others the benefit of the doubt. They also tend to be known as caretakers and have other strong positive qualities from which the narcissist can draw resources. Yet negative stereotypes persist about the survivors of narcissistically abusive relationships. Here are four big myths about survivors that I’d like to dispel, including one that’s controversial. Myth #1. The partners are more gullible than everyone else.  Partners of narcissists do not enter into relationships with them because they are unable to discern truth...

PTSD and narcissistic abuse can go hand-in-hand. “Normal relationships don’t give people PTSD.” That’s what my therapist had said to me when I expressed my frustration over why I was having so much trouble dealing with the world, despite the fact that I wasn’t interacting with my ex-boyfriend anymore. That’s when I realized just how truly pathological this situation had been. I hated how I had changed without even realizing it, how I wasn’t my easygoing self anymore. I hated how angry I could get over the things that had been done to me.  I hated how triggering certain things...

“The psychopath is like a color-blind person who sees the world in shades of gray but who has learned how to function in a colored world. He has learned that the light signal for “stop” is at the top of the traffic signal. When the color-blind person tells you he stopped at the red light, he really means he stopped at the top light. He has difficulty discussing the color of things but may have learned all sorts of ways to compensate for this problem, and in some cases, even those who know him well may not know that he cannot see colors. Like...

All breakups are difficult. Breaking up and going no contact with a narcissist, however, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with in my life. It has led me to start asking the question, at exactly what point does a breakup with a narcissist occur? Breakups with narcissists, no matter how you define them, don’t end well. They end abruptly, usually with the two parties having completely different narratives for the same relationship. They result in multiple make-ups, a lot of damage, and no closure. For the narcissist, however, once you enter into the relationship, it never ends. They...