Divorcing a Narcissist: How They Use the “System”

Divorcing a narcissist is a major step for a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

Putting an end to the relationship just by filing for the divorce will have a huge impact on the narcissist’s self-esteem and it may lead him or her to engage in Machiavellian moves in an attempt to control you. They are likely to display aggressive attitudes and behaviors and will have difficulties letting go of the relationship.

If there are kids involved in the divorce, the narcissist may try to keep them as a source of validation and affection. 

The Mind of a Narcissist During Divorce

As divorce is generally seen as a loss, a personal failure, a narcissist’s need for validation and positive feedback is shaken.

To compensate, they will seek validation from third parties. This kind of approach can be explained by the narcissist’s fragile self-esteem and inability to tolerate rejection.

Summers & Summers (2006) found that narcissists are prone to using the “divide and conquer” tactic during a divorce. 

Because their sense of self-worth is usually based on external image, they may have been dependent on the relationship they have with their spouse and, therefore, act in defense mode in the divorce. They will behave during their divorce as if they are simultaneously fighting a fierce war and are a hopeless victim. 

Common Strategies to Look for When Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist is an important milestone when victims reach it, as it can mean the beginning of a whole new life. [Read The 5 Stages of No Contact with a Narcissist]

Unfortunately, it can also mean the beginning of a different layer of their abuse, as they use new avenues open to them through the divorce process to hurt you. 

Below are three of the most common approaches a narcissist uses during a divorce to abuse their partner. Being able to recognize them can help you better prepare for them and ask for help.

 1. Manipulating you to get you to drop the divorce 

Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family, states that narcissists are likely to try to regain their “lost territory” through tactics of manipulation and control.

They could say things like: “You can’t have a good life without me,” and either use threats or try to win you over with expensive gifts or promises. 

If that doesn’t work, they may try to keep tabs on your schedule and daily routines and play the victim in a divorce.

These behaviors can come off as odd, but they result from the narcissist feeling their inner gratification become threatened and their determination to win it back. 

2. Alienation of the child(ren)

Summers & Summers found that the practice of parental alienation is often seen in divorces involving a narcissist.

Parental alienation occurs when a parent manipulates a child into believing their other parent is a bad person. Alienators do not set boundaries with their kids and frequently spoil them in order to gain their allegiance. This may result in a distorted sense of reality for the child that can become very self-absorbed and an alienator him/herself. [Read 5 Signs You Have Been Raised by Narcissistic Parents] 

Parental alienation can become so extreme that the child experiences feelings of hate and rage against a once-loved parent and may begin to exploit the alienated parent on behalf of the narcissistic parent. 

Narcissists engage in this behavior with their children due to their immature self-esteem, which is still dependent on the proximity and approval of loved ones.

3. Creating a high-conflict divorce process

McBride stated that some of the most intense divorces are ones involving a narcissist.

In the process of divorce, the narcissists will bring all of the tools they possess in order to keep their reputations intact and unharmed. It is not uncommon for narcissists to have the best lawyers or counselors, regardless of their income, because they need to keep up a perfect image.

They may use this powerful legal team to manipulate or to cause their “enemy” to become unfocused. Sometimes they do it just to run up legal bills for the other partner. 

Also, because narcissists are lacking empathy and regard for the feelings of others, they may gain pleasure out of the suffering they cause. When they use their attorneys and the courtroom to create conflict, act aggressively or cross the line and behave disrespectfully, they feel as if they are “winning” and their partner is “losing.” [See The Ultimate Narcissist Abuse Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Narcissists’ divorces are rarely peaceful. They usually involve a whole team of professionals in order to get the legal, social and emotional aspects of the separation back to a functional state. 

Divorce-proof your mental state and your physical environment ahead of time against these tactics and seek help from professionals who are familiar with narcissists’ tactics. This can help you better ensure your safety and quality of life while you’re divorcing the narcissist.

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If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• 7 Narcissist Lies That Are Easy to Spot
• What is Gray Rock? How to Deal with a Narcissist
• A Letter to the Narcissist Who Destroyed Me
• What a Narcissist Says About Breakups: They Never Let You Go
• 7 Things That Supercharge Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Sources

McBride, K. (2016). Will I ever be free of you? How to navigate a high-conflict divorce from a narcissist and heal your family. Atria Paperback.

Summers, D. M., & Summers, C. C. (2006). “Unadulterated Arrogance: Autopsy of the Narcissistic Parental Alienator.” The American Journal of Family Therapy, Vol. 34(5), p. 399–428.