Narcissists lure.

They lure with promises, flattery, lies and sweet words.

[Read Narcissist Love Bombing is Like Poison]

The mask shifts with each new person in their sights, adjusting to our likes and dislikes, filling in crevices to become whatever seems to be missing and fulfilling our long-lost dreams.

What remains the same, however, is that the true nature of the narcissist remains hidden behind the mask.

With that mask, employed skillfully at the outset, the narcissist sets the stage to lure and trap by putting it back on again and again.

[Read Going No-Contact When a You’re a Victim of a Narcissist Discard]

Untouchable. That’s what they want to be.

Imagine the narcissist with a piece of chalk. With the love-bombing they pour on us at the beginning of the relationship, narcissists draw a fat, white circle of protection around themselves.

Their words and deeds during that time further cast a glittering, golden spotlight of goodness over them and we form a bond with the person standing in that spotlight that is difficult to break.

Later, each time they step out of that circle, that is, “cross the line,” and our brain and body scream at us that we have been violated, they only have to stand under the golden goodness inside that circle so we catch them in its glow to get us to override our own instincts.

“No, I’m not abusing you. I love you.”

This is why no one breaks up with a narcissist. They escape.

Breaking up with a narcissist means psychologically changing our view of it to become free.

These are the five necessary stages that give us back our lives.

The difficulty of the journey toward no contact depends on many factors, such as the level of attachment, the length of the relationship, our willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt, our own fears and weaknesses, how hard the narcissist keeps fighting to keep us from leaving, and how deeply the narcissist has obscured the idea that the relationship is abusive behind any of a dozen other smokescreens.  

In each of the five stages, our view of the narcissist changes, as well as our view of the relationship itself, until we are either force ourselves out or we are broken down.

[Read The Five Masks of Sanity: How We See the Narcissist]

It takes so long because part of what is so abusive about the relationship is that it hides what is abusive about it from us. When we progress through the stages we gain the enlightenment we need to see the relationship for what it is. 

Saving ourselves comes next.

The Five Stages of Going No Contact with a Narcissist

Because of the very nature of how we are abused, the stages through which we progress during a romantic relationship with a narcissist start with the discovery that the relationship is not what we thought it was. 

Narcissistic abuse hides the abuse from the partner through elaborate tactics that twist the wrongdoing of narcissists into their victimhood instead of ours.

The abuse leaves us feeling guilty, shameful, afraid, confused, and anxious all at the same time until we are a shadow of ourselves, lashing out when we feel like we’re losing our sanity, freezing when we feel like we’re under attack, and going numb when we should be walking away.

Only through the progression of these five stages can we move from passive participants in the relationship who do what the narcissist wants us to do to active performers in our own lives, who do things that may not be in the best interest of the narcissist– but are definitely in ours. ‘

Only then can we leave the relationship and go no contact.

Stage 1:  Awareness of the Narcissistic Abuse

This happens inevitably after the initial phase of the relationship when one has been idealized by a narcissist.

At the beginning of the relationship with the narcissist, things were perfect.  We were not yet aware of what was to come.  We believed in what the narcissist presented to us because we entered the relationship with good intentions.

At some point, something happens or a series of incidents occur that trigger awareness of the abuse.

We may not yet call it abuse, much less understand that our partner is a narcissist, but these are the moments that lead us to the epiphany that something is terribly wrong. Someone who loves us should not be able to do the horrifying things that were done to us.

Because these are the first glimpses behind the mask and we are bound to the narcissist at least partly if not mostly because of forces beyond our control, we likely enter a state of denial and tell ourselves that this is not what we think it is.

Stage 2: Understanding That the Behavior is Abusive 

Reaching the second stage requires coming to understand the nature of what’s happening, that abuse is taking place.

There have been too many incidents. The idealization stage has begun to fade away and we are now so miserable, we have begun to seek answers.

Perhaps we have been talking to others outside the relationship who provided us with an outsider’s perspective. We may have turned to the Internet and stumbled across details about narcissism.

The scope and magnitude of what we are up against, however, have now been planted by this external information. We now have two competing realities: one from the narcissist and one from outside the narcissist that provides us with a new and rational understanding of his or her behavior.

“Understanding,” is not usually the ticket out because it’s merely the bigger picture that is inevitably gained as we seek to make sense of the reality we live in as more of the mismatch between the narcissist’s words and deeds pile up.

At this time, it actually contributes to the cognitive dissonance we feel and now, denial is no longer sufficient as a primary method of managing our understanding of the narcissists’s behavior because the new information we have competes with the narcissist’s “version of events.”

[See The Ultimate Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Confusion sets in, as the narcissist returns to the white circle dozens of times and we see him or her step out of it just as many, and we now have to choose what to believe about why he or she is doing such things.

Stage 3: Accepting That the Behavior is Destructive

We may remain in Stage #2 for some time, confused.

We try new methods to cope with what’s happening– accepting the blame to try to keep the relationship together, denying that our partner is a narcissist, trying to use what we learned to become more compliant or prove the literature wrong– our relationship will turn out differently, we’ll get through this, we think defiantly.

Eventually, however, progression into Stage #3 generally comes with time, after persistent cruel treatment by the narcissist and our inability to get anything to change and improve.

At this point, the idealization stage is usually so far in the past, we rarely see glimpses of it anymore. Or we have been subjected to so much betrayal and pain, we don’t feel as if we are the same person anymore as we were when the relationship started.

In addition, we have been slowly conditioned not to talk about it or express or process our feelings about what has been done to us.

[Read Word Salad: When Talking is a Narcissist’s Weapon]

We may have lost much of our support system or feel beaten down and our emotions may have slipped long past confusion to defeat. We come to accept that the relationship is bad for us and we need to leave the narcissist.

And yet, we do not because we cannot.

We find ourselves being drawn again and again back into it.

The awareness that we cannot leave causes us additional suffering, as now we know what is happening to us and still we cannot escape. Instead, now not only does the narcissist’s behaviors not match his or her words– ours no longer do either.

Sandra L. Brown, author of Women Who Love Psychopaths, writes that, “…The partners must split in order to stay. In reality, [the survivor] has held two different relationships with the good/bad dichotomous psychopath! Each one of these relationships has required a different belief system in order to remain in it. These belief systems begin to battle each other…”

These two belief systems were drawn out of us slowly over time, using our own strengths and weaknesses against us.

This is the most difficult of the stages to explain in isolation– for how can someone know and accept that a relationship is abusive and desire to leave it, and yet not do so? 

Yet the broader context of all the stages, both those that came before and those that come after, and how the relationship has always been about dominance and control by the narcissist can provide most of the answers. 

We become paralyzed when our two belief systems are competing with one another and are at the whims of the narcissist.

We begin to develop learned helplessness, in response to being unable to act effectively one way or another in the relationship– either to leave it or to be treated in the manner in which we wished to be treated.

Stage 4:  Re-Awakening Eroded Aspects of the Self

This helplessness we develop is created in us over time by the abusive tactics perpetrated by the narcissist.  It is an illusion. 

Overcoming the acute abusive tactics that keep us confused and helpless is the next stage we need to enter prior to being able to go no contact and leave the narcissistic relationship.

These tactics the narcissist has used to get us to this point include gaslighting, refusal to discuss any of the wrong-doing, blame-shifting, and others.

The tactics keep us under the control of the narcissist. They cause us to feel both incapable and unwilling to begin to tear down the bond that the narcissist developed with us at the beginning, by manufacturing emotions in us.

We feel fear because of the unknown future or what life will be like without the narcissist in our lives.

We feel guilt at doing anything to harm the narcissist, as if we are betraying him or her, and start to think of the good times and good things he or she has done for us. We feel as if we are giving up if we stop trying.

We feel sadness thinking about the loss of the massive presence of that person in our lives if we do anything to remove it.

We feel doubt that we are right about how bad things are, that we are not to blame for how things have turned out, or that we are capable of even doing such a thing.

We feel weak and unable to pull off leaving, knowing it will cause a torrent of emotion and a subsequent range of dramatic responses from the narcissist.

Yet– somehow– despite feeling all of these things, we must overcome them by realizing they are manufactured by what the narcissist has done to us.

They are illusions.

What is real is the anxiety we feel, perhaps in the back of our minds, knowing they will never change or knowing that they can’t ever be faithful.

What is real is the constant “fight or flight” mode we find ourselves in and the nightmares we wake up to due to their explosive tirades we can’t predict. The lies and the gaslighting and our unease and obsessive thoughts.

What is real is the constant questioning and accusations and that persistent feeling we can’t relax into our own lives, that we have lost ourselves a piece at a time and been forced inside a tiny cage until we now live trapped inside of it.

Stage #4 is about letting those emotions and that voice that is carrying them rise closer to the top and override the false emotions that sit in the eroded parts of ourselves where the narcissist has taken up residence and parked his or her own suggestions. Those suggestions serve his or her benefit– not ours.

Overcoming the tactics the narcissist has used to bring us to the point to where we felt we can’t escape means:

• recognizing what they’re doing when they use one of these tactics
• calling out the narcissist when he or she uses them
• not treating the bad behavior they have engaged in throughout the relationship as acceptable just to keep the peace
• not letting any of what they say when they use these tactics help resolve cognitive dissonance in their favor (e.g., believing they are correct when they gaslight and we should doubt our own perceptions, etc.)
• seeing oneself as in control, empowered, and undeserving of this treatment; sometimes this involves “faking it until making it”

This is a turning point in the “enlightenment,” for it is when we begin to gain our control back– and yet it is difficult because nothing will bring it about other than a conscious effort on our parts to stop merely accepting that this is abuse and thinking differently about it. 

Other things that happen in the external world may assist with moving us closer to Stage #4.

For example:

Without the narcissist’s influence during a silent treatment, we may begin to think more clearly about what has been going on because the narcissist’s tactics by default will not be of immediate influence.

For example, there will be no gaslighting during this time, so we may be able to start putting things together, or having more empowering thoughts that we don’t want to and shouldn’t let go of if the narcissist reaches out again later.

[Read Narcissist Gaslighting Examples in Romantic Relationships]

Or perhaps our health begins to decline or we suffer another loss in our lives.

Or we may have an epiphany due to an action of the narcissist and realize that, though leaving may result in an emotional crisis for us, a worse fate may result from staying in the relationship. 

We may begin to feel ourselves slowly disappearing. We may begin to feel that our lives are stuck. We may begin to feel that we will never get out of the relationship, or that if we do we will never recover from the abuse the narcissist has inflicted on us.

Stage 5: Going No Contact Through Setting an Intention and Psychological Barricade 

In Stage #4, the psychological shift is the attitude we have toward ourselves and our ability to do something about what we’ve gone through.

In Stage #5, our mindset changes and we no longer view the narcissist or the relationship the same way. We become ready to tear it all down.

We must actually take actions to remove oneself from the abusive situation physically and psychologically and begin the process of breaking up with the narcissist. 

This is where narcissistic abuse recovery truly begins because we have begun to have more control over our own actions despite the fear and guilt we feel at how it will impact the relationship or the narcissist.

The process involves two steps:

• Go completely no-contact with the narcissist forever; and
• Stop idealizing the narcissist and the relationship

[Read How to Get Over a Narcissist: 2 Must-Do Steps] 

It is not enough to go no contact.

Shahida Arabi, narcissistic abuse survivor and researcher, says that even though the relationship is toxic, we can get stuck: “If our grief is not addressed, it will get lodged in our brains, our hearts, and our spirits as nostalgia for a man or woman that never existed.”

As alluded to in Stage #4, stating that there is a psychological shift and that we then take action implies that the shift is very black-and-white and that the action is very purposeful.

It implies that there is some dramatic confrontation, as in the movies, where we tell off our partners and walk out the door with all of our belongings never looking back, leaving them speechless and regretful for the way they treated us.

It also implies that everything is suddenly crystal clear and every move we make from here on out is with determination and a sense of self-awareness and direction.

No.

The end is an angst-ridden earthquake, a freefall into a future in which we no longer even know who we are.
The end is a blind spot where they implanted themselves in our psyche, still dictating our actions and monitoring our thoughts for a time even as they are out of our lives.

It’s an emotional roller coaster.  It’s a death, fraught with loss and uncertainty.

[Read The Emotional Hell of Going No Contact with a Narcissist]

What Stage #5 does mean is that we pass the point of no return psychologically where we no longer just see the relationship as bad for us, we start to see the narcissist as a disordered person with whom we no longer wish to be in a relationship with.

We are more willing to accept the unknown than to accept the nightmare we have been living.

We choose ourselves.

Want to read more?

Why Can’t I Just Leave? takes you step-by-step through the five stages of leaving a narcissist and helps lead you straight to the exit.

Click here to read a free preview

This isn’t your typical survivor recovery book. When you read it, you’ll learn about:

• What over 600 survivors said about their experiences and how they left their relationships

• 75 signs that you’re in a pathological love relationship

• What makes narcissistic abuse unique

• The most damaging effect of narcissistic abuse

• Why we change while we’re in the relationship

• The five stages of breaking up with a pathological partner

• Pop culture and celebrity examples of narcissistic abuse

• My personal story

Years in the making, this book creates a bridge between the first-hand knowledge of narcissistic abuse by survivors with lived experience and the social psychological research on the interpersonal and group dynamics of high-control relationships.

The heart of the book is explaining why we do things in these relationships we don’t understand and how we can stop. 

Available in ebook, paperback, and hardback!

 

If you’d like to read a free preview, which includes the first chapter and the pathological love relationship checklist, click on this link.

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• The Unlucky 13 Different Types of Narcissism
• Idealization and Devaluation: Why Narcissists Flip
• 7 Things That Supercharge Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
• How to Know When a Narcissist is Finished with You
• What Do Narcissists Want?

Sources

Arabi, Shahida. “The Real Reason You Miss the Narcissist.” Thought Catalog. Retrieved May 4, 2019 from https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/02/the-real-reason-you-miss-the-narcissist/

Tudor, H.G. “The Devastation of the Illusion.” Knowing the Narcissist. Retrieved May 4, 2019 from https://narcsite.com/httpnarcsite-com20161011the-devastation-of-the-illusion/

The post The 5 Stages of Going No Contact with a Narcissist appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

The post Why Can’t I Just Leave? appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Yet what gets sold as a dream can end up turning into a nightmare. Why narcissists ruin vacations, however, isn’t as much of a mystery as it may seem. 

Vacations aren’t an exception. Narcissists also have a tendency to ruin other special days, such as anniversaries and birthdays, Valentine’s Day and other holidays.

[Read [How Narcissists Twist the Truth and Trap Their Partners]

Yet because vacations can take place in different and often unfamiliar environments, there are some additional unique opportunities for them to inflict harm on survivors that could be potentially dangerous. 

Why Narcissists Ruin Vacations

A vacation with a narcissist can change everything about a vacation for many reasons. This is because the ability of a narcissist to feel peace or expand their view of the world is limited, even when not on vacation.

They may travel for many reasons, however, it’s not for the joy of doing so. 

Here are some of the things narcissists get out of traveling:

• Impressing people
• Making others feel indebted to them
• Showing off wealth or making others envious
• Hob-nobbing with other people they believe to be of a high status
• Finding others with whom to have casual sex (i.e., vacations can be environments where people are more likely to throw caution to the wind and engage in casual sexual encounters)
• Being able to manufacture chaos in a controlled environment
• Bolstering the idea that they are superior to those around them by ordering those in the tourist and service industries around 24/7 
• Stringing people along

So make no mistake: they are “getting something” out of traveling.

For partners involved in those trips with them, what happens can often resemble what happens in the rest of your relationship. 

Sometimes narcissists spend the vacation seemingly devising ways to torture you or enjoying any misery you find yourself in, and you may actually find yourself endangered.

Sometimes the narcissist merely acts in such a self-absorbed or devaluing manner that you can’t relax or you’re constantly put in situations where you find yourself in emotional pain or walking on eggshells. [See “The Ultimate Narcissist Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Sometimes the ball gets dropped far down the road after the vacation is over, and it’s your memories of traveling that get destroyed.

Maybe you never even made it to the destination!

Only one person can have a good time on a vacation with a narcissist, and the narcissist will always ensure that that person is him or her. 

Why Narcissists Ruin Vacations for Their Partners

Scenario 1: The Dream Vacation

Narcissists may take you on a fantasy trip. It may be nearly perfect. Every need will be attended to, no luxury will be unspared. 

In what stage of the relationship did the dream vacation occur?  If it is near the beginning, you are or were being love-bombed. 

[Read 5 Reasons Love-Bombing is a Stealth Danger]

Narcissists will sometimes use trips in whirlwind romances.  It’s difficult not to fall in love when you’re in an island paradise, removed from all of the problems and routines of your everyday life, and someone is declaring their love for you. 

Or…was it after a period of no-contact?  Were you promised the world and the trip was part of it?  It was likely a hoover maneuver. 

[Read Going No-Contact When a You’re a Victim of a Narcissist Discard]

During a hoover, narcissists may also whisk their partners away from the everyday problems they’ve faced together and try to make partners believe things are changing.

In an environment that’s completely different from the “real world,” it may be easy to believe how sorry they are, that this time when they say things will be different, it’s true. 

Once again, they may be on their best behavior. It may also be easier for them to hide things they don’t want their partners to know or more difficult for us to do any due diligence. Being around them day and night gives them an opportunity to pull a hard sell to bring us back into the relationship.

With clouded judgment and little to no access to information or to other people who might be able to provide more rational and balanced ideas, it is almost impossible for us to make good decisions for ourselves that we should stay out of the relationship. 

Beware that although these trips feel as though something has changed, it isn’t true change. It doesn’t actually mean anything is actually different. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment, and they will try to get you to believe that since they spent all the money and time on you that it means something is different.

Real change, however, means that they would show you over time that they have stopped engaging in whatever behavior was damaging you and the relationship in the first place. 

If you refuse to take their bait and ask for time–watch their demeanor change. It’s doubtful they’ll be as loving as they were when they thought the trip alone would win you back.

Whether the dream vacation comes at the beginning of a relationship or during a hoover, there is a price to be paid for it and narcissists expect to be paid. They believe that they are buying your obedience and your love.

They also believe it buys them the right to treat you however they want to and if you complain, they will call you ungrateful. 

Over time, any beautiful memories you made together can turn to ashes when they hold the trip against you or if you learn about any secrets they were keeping from you the entire time you were there while they were declaring their undying love.

Scenario 2: The Vacation From Hell

Vacations can be like devaluation periods on steroids for a narcissist who has stopped idealizing you or who has worked himself or herself into a narcissistic rage. 

[Read How the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Keeps Us from Leaving] 

Narcissists often do not like to see anything else bring you joy when they have this attitude toward you and will want you to feel as miserable as they do. If they sense you are feeling any pleasure, they will try to bring you down. 

The narcissist can use their methods of choice to torment and harm you, and, because you are on a trip, you have nowhere to go to escape from them.

The narcissist may flirt in front of you, embarrass or humiliate you in front of others, start arguments on a whim or verbally abuse you, or any number of other harmful acts. 

Furthermore, there are all-new methods of devaluation that make the stakes even higher.

The narcissist may make threats to leave you somewhere unfamiliar without transportation or in an unsafe place, find a stranger on vacation and hook up with him or her, leave you without any money for food, lock you out of a hotel room, keep you isolated inside the room and away from others, take you identification so you can’t board flights or leave–or may actually go beyond threats and do these things. 

In addition, many things you might try to do to mitigate these circumstances can make things worse. 

For example, if you try to take a break from the narcissist and head for the pool, restaurant, bar or out to take a walk or tour the city alone, the narcissist may accuse you of meeting someone new in an amorous context and use it as an opportunity to harass you. 

All of these actions are about control and chaos.

But one of the most dangerous aspects of this kind of a trip with the narcissist is that, if the two of you have taken a trip alone, then he or she has already isolated you from everyone you know. Depending on where you are, you may not even have access to cell service in an emergency.

If the narcissist puts you in danger regularly or engages in unsafe actions with you or makes threats to do so, then you may potentially end up in serious jeopardy on a vacation, especially if their anger often spirals out of control.  

This is a special consideration that should be factored in when deciding whether to take a vacation with a narcissist. A vacation outside your own country, where you might have communication issues due to a language barrier, or where you will be in a very isolated environment away from other people could be especially dangerous.

Scenario 3: The Vacation That Never Was

Narcissists may try to make you feel special by talking about vacations as one of many types of future plans they either have made or want to make with you.

They may use vacations to make you believe they are more interested in you than they actually are to build trust or to keep you invested in the relationship.

After all, how can you break up with them when they already have this great trip planned?  Doesn’t that prove how much they love you?  This is a mind game known as “future faking.”

[Read How Narcissists Play Mind Games to Make You Think the Problem is You]

Vacations are a common form of future-faking, because anyone can make a reservation or put down a deposit and then keep putting off a trip indefinitely. 

Beyond future-faking, narcissists may use vacations as a fake form of commitment because they’ve been accused of cheating or have been caught cheating. They may want to show you that you’re the one they really love. Can’t you tell, they’ll say, because you’re the one with whom they have made all those plans.

If you ever ask them why these vacations don’t occur, one way you can tell that the trip is not intended is if they turn it around on you to make you seem materially-minded, shallow, and “ungrateful.”

If that happens, it can be very confusing.

How can it be that they once asked you to consider a beautiful vacation for the two of you as more than just a trip, to consider it a symbol of their love, but when you ask about it because you’ve taken them at their word, suddenly it’s just a trip again and because you’ve asked that means you’re only interested in money?  

That’s a narcissist for you.

Tips for Surviving Vacations with Narcissists

I know that what you really want is to have a peaceful vacation with your partner–because you want the relationship itself to be peaceful. You want your partner to stop abusing you, stop devaluing you, keep his or her word, and stop starting arguments over ridiculous things. 

There are the vacations you must go on with a narcissist and the vacations you want to go on with a narcissist, and there are some overlapping tips for surviving both.

1. If you don’t have to, consider not going on the vacation at all.

Is it really worth it for you to go on this trip with the narcissist? 

If so, you will need to prepare emotionally to have a happy and peaceful vacation regardless of what the narcissist is doing.

Regardless of the tantrums that he or she throws or the surprises they throw your way, you’ll have to be willing to shrug them off and enjoy where you are on your own. That means accepting ahead of time who you’re with and what’s likely to happen.

We don’t want to do that, do we?  We hold out hope that this time, it’s going to be the one perfect vacation. Then we put ourselves at risk. 

Instead, maybe this time, however, you can have that part of you ready to back off and go do your own thing if your partner doesn’t live up to what you’d hoped–and if you think you won’t be able to do that, consider the risk of what you will have to endure. 

If you think you won’t be safe, being happy is the least of the concerns.

2. If you don’t have to go, but you want to go, practice acceptance ahead of time that the vacation will probably not go the way you wish it would.

Practice accepting that your partner just cannot enjoy the vacation the same way you do and the vacation will probably not go smoothly.

This is almost like adding an extra “bump” or “irritant” to your list of vacation issues that you can expect to happen that you will have to deal with.

If you’re traveling with a narcissist, you can probably expect some extra things you wish you wouldn’t have to deal with, so if you accept it ahead of time, then there are no surprise fantasies of “he said he wouldn’t act like this.”  

Realize it’s not personal. Narcissists ruin these days for the same reason they ruin their relationships–because it’s in their best interest in some way and because they are broken people.

On vacation, you’re in close quarters for twenty-four hours a day. Anything you say and do might potentially reflect back something negative to them and set them off to act in a cruel way, and then you won’t be able to escape that. 

This may make things seem worse, but it’s the circumstances just magnifying the normal behavior of the narcissist. You can’t control what the narcissist does–you can only prepare and respond to his or her behavior.

3. If you must go, or if you think there’s any chance your partner could turn on you at some point, prepare for your safety. 

Here are a few suggestions:

Always have your own key to the room.

Always have some cash of your own. If you’re in another country, get some of that country’s currency.

Know where the embassy is located.

If you can, try to have your own credit card with enough credit on it to rent a car or buy a flight back home if you need it.

Know the layout of the hotel, campsite, resort, etc. where you’ll be staying and get a map of the town you’ll be in. 

Make an emergency index card with the name, phone number, and email address of an emergency contact and keep it in your wallet, bag, or pocket at all times.

Write down the names and phone numbers of people whose numbers you regularly use your cell phone to call but haven’t memorized the numbers and keep them on you in case you lose your phone or can’t use it and need to make calls elsewhere.

Make sure at least two people who know you have your itinerary, know where you’ll be staying and when you’ll be back.

The idea is to make sure you have your own resources and knowledge to ensure that you’re not dependent on the narcissist, and so that other people besides the narcissist are able to help you if necessary.

Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing. The idea of stepping away from everyday life and into another world temporarily should hopefully be transcendent and fill us with gratitude and joy.

There might be bumps and irritants along the way, but we at least know the universe of the types of things we should expect. We generally consider them annoyances that we can plan to minimize as much as possible while maintaining realistic expectations. We know that our vacation will help us recharge and go back to our everyday life refreshed and, sometimes, with a new view of the world we live in. 

Yet traveling with a narcissist adds a dimension to our trip that upends all our expectations.  and causes us to Taking precautions ahead of time to protect our hearts and our safety can minimize the damage.

Thank you for reading! If you liked this article, you might like my book, which was drawn from surveys with over 600 survivors and includes my personal story with narcissistic abuse.  The first chapter is free and includes the pathological love relationship checklist. Go here to read:  Why Can’t I Just Leave free preview.

 Also, try these articles if you’re looking for more help: 

• Signs the Narcissist You Know is Hoovering You
• Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Must Stop with the Questions
• Divorcing a Narcissist: How They Use the “System”
• 11 Crazy Things You May Do Before Going No Contact
• Why You Can’t Leave the Narcissist in Your Life

The post Trouble in Paradise: Why Narcissists Ruin Vacations appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Let’s get very real. A relationship with a narcissist does not end until you decide it’s over.

Focus on those words for a moment. There’s some power in them.

We usually hear experts talk about going no-contact when the relationship is still ongoing. We read resources about moving on after being discarded.

Yes, survivors in current narcissistic abuse relationships must get the information and support they need to go no-contact. Yes, survivors who are no longer in those relationships must get the information and support they need to move on.

Survivors who are no longer in the relationships can include both people who left on their own and people who went through a narcissist discard.

[Read “What a Narcissist Does at the End of a Relationship“]

It took me a long time to realize this, but a narcissist discard and going no-contact are not independent of one another.

Why is that?

The Power in No-Contact

When we typically think of the term “no-contact,” we think of a situation in which there is already ongoing contact between the narcissistic partner and the survivor.

However, I would expand the definition to include situations in which the potential for contact to occur between the narcissistic partner and the survivor. This includes a narcissist discard.

It doesn’t matter if the narcissist discarded you five minutes ago or five years ago. It doesn’t matter if it was this morning or last night. It doesn’t matter if it was a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago. In the research I conducted for my book, Why Can’t I Just Leave, one survey respondent described how his ex-partner persisted in contacting him even though the relationship had ended thirty years before.

When you are discarded by a narcissist, you must still go no-contact because narcissists never shut the door on anyone with whom they have ever been in a relationship.

On the one hand, there seems to be a looming threat behind that idea. It suggests that narcissists are like Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his most famous film roles. As Kyle Reese says to Sarah Connor in the 1984 film named after the role, “That Terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”

Yet, narcissists are not machines. They are not superhuman and they are not superior in psychological or emotional strength to you or anyone else. 

Let’s look at the other side of this equation again: a relationship with a narcissist does not end until you decide it’s over.

[Read “Why it’s Hard to Break Up with a Narcissist: They Never Let You Go“]

Focus on those words for a moment because there’s some power in them.

You decide. You have control.

The narcissist in your life is a slave to the narcissistic abuse cycle, however, you can escape because your thoughts and emotions were manipulated in order to imprison you there.

You Are Where You Are

Whether you’re still in the relationship or you’ve been through a narcissist discard, the fact that you haven’t yet been able to decide that it’s over, take the steps to free yourself for good, and make it stick may cause you to feel ashamed.

Yet there is nothing shameful about being unable to keep that decision intact.

You are where you are because the narcissist wanted you in that spot. You’ll have to fight your way out one incremental step at a time until you finally break through to the other side.

There is no timetable for it— there is only your personal timeline.

Preparing extensively for the physical act of leaving is absolutely necessary. Survivors must, of course, make plans for how and when they will leave, where they will go, how they will support themselves, and they must ensure their safety.

[Read “The 5 Stages of No Contact with a Narcissist“]

However, a plan for leaving without psychological preparation is insufficient. Survivors should develop an awareness of the manufactured emotional states and mindset implanted by the narcissist and understand how to counter them.

All Survivors Must Go No-Contact

Survivors leaving their narcissistic partners and survivors who were discarded often both love and idealize their narcissistic partners, feel as if their love was not returned, and are confused about their narcissistic partner’s actions.

Survivors who have endured a discard will need to treat the discard as an extended silent treatment and come to terms with it in a similar way that survivors who go no-contact with a current narcissistic partner.

They will need to reframe the lack of closure they received from the narcissist the same way as someone who is currently interacting with their narcissistic partner.

They will need to manage their emotional response to the narcissist in much the same way.

Most importantly, survivors who have been discarded will need to do everything in their power to ensure that the narcissist cannot contact them.

They must go no-contact.

Narcissists do not like to lose control.

All survivors must go no-contact and take their own power back.

Thank you for reading! If you liked this article, you might like my book, which was drawn from surveys with over 600 survivors and includes my personal story with narcissistic abuse.  The first chapter is free and includes the pathological love relationship checklist. Go here to read:  Why Can’t I Just Leave free preview.

 Also, try these articles if you’re looking for more help: 

• Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Must Stop with the Questions
• Divorcing a Narcissist: How They Use the “System”
• 11 Crazy Things You May Do Before Going No Contact
• How Narcissists Twist the Truth and Trap Their Partners
• Why You Can’t Leave the Narcissist in Your Life

The post Going No-Contact When a You’re a Victim of a Narcissist Discard appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s likely your human rights are being violated.

When I was in a relationship with a pathological partner, he never controlled what or when I took care of my basic needs or kept me from talking to others. However, he did exert quite a bit of control over my wardrobe, where I went, who I saw, and with whom I interacted.

“I never told you that you couldn’t hang out with your friends!” he would say to me. It was always said in a tone that suggested I was crazy for implicating him.

He was right. He had never explicitly said to me I couldn’t. 

He had other ways of getting me to comply. He questioned my commitment to the relationship. He manipulated my emotions. He made threats and punished me with what he claimed was just behavior when really it was just more abuse.

“Hidden” Methods of Control

Here are a few things my pathological partner did when he felt threatened by my actions:   

• Intentionally made plans for the two of us at the last minute on a night I had plans with my friends, then became hostile when I didn’t break my plans to be with him

• Insulted my friends and made comments that implied they didn’t like him or our relationship, and I was being disloyal if I saw them

• Started arguments right as I was about to leave, then accused me of not caring about his feelings if I tried to walk out of the argument

• Made sexually degrading comments and cruel remarks such as, “If you get raped, don’t come crying to me.”

• Requested pictures of me while I was out to prove to him I was where I said I would be

• Insisted I turn on my GPS while I was out

• Bombarded my phone with dozens of demeaning, accusatory, and threatening texts if I didn’t respond to him while I was out

• Stalked my social media pages afterward to see if I had added any new men

• Made false accusations without cause that I was actually on a date instead and made me go to exhausting lengths to prove my faithfulness

• Exploded in rage if he didn’t find out until afterward and questioned me relentlessly about what had taken place

• Threatened to cheat on me or break up with me if I went out

• Actually cheated on me

• Withheld his love and pretended as if I didn’t even exist, gave me the silent treatment, or broke up with me.

• Accused me of doing the things to him he was doing to me—all the other things in this list.

Do any of these behaviors look familiar?

The last one is particularly tricky.

On the surface, the tactic looks harmless–perhaps even ridiculous, especially when you know you haven’t done any of those things. However, these accusations can become some of the most powerful methods of control they have.

How Narcissists Twist the Truth

Accusations that their partners are abusing and victimizing them can eventually coerce their partners into a sanity battle.

For example, first, narcissists may label choosing to spend the evening with friends as disloyalty. 

Or they may claim going out with our friends is us walking out on them. If we don’t respond to their many attempts to contact us while we’re out, we are giving them the silent treatment.

The conclusions by the narcissist about our motivations or their impact can cause us to question our own behavior and doubt our judgment. The accusations can bring on feelings of guilt or shame when they become repeated often. We may even give up trying. They “win.”

However, when we do the things that threaten them, they take a secondary action that twists reality even further. They use them to draw a false equivalency to their actions.

They point to our actions that make them feel threatened (but aren’t actually a threat) to create an illusion that the things we did that they merely didn’t like are no worse than their damaging actions. 

Of course, their actions actually are betrayals and abuse, such as deceptions about who they are, cheating and keeping other partners, smearing us to others, or using things we told them during moments of emotional intimacy to dehumanize and verbally abuse us. 

If we challenge them on any of this, we are being disrespectful and degrading their feelings on the matter, further reinforcing the for them belief that we are the offenders and giving them even more ammunition.

Wait, wait, wait. What happened there?

[Read “How Narcissists Play Mind Games to Make You Think the Problem is You“]

Our normal, everyday human behavior and our right to engage in it were pitted against their attempts to stop it. Yes, exercising our rights gets framed as an attack.

Family therapist Terrence Real calls this “offending from the victim position.” Once they can cast themselves as a victim, they turn their abuse into a method of defending themselves. “When we offend from the victim position,” Real says, “we feel like a victim while acting like an offender.” 

So you see, pathological partners don’t actually need to tell us explicitly not to visit our friends—and in fact, they get to deny they have forced us into anything. They look innocent—and sometimes victimized—as they put on the different masks to get us to comply.

The types of actions in this example create invisible chains that have a more formal name: coercive control.

Traditional definitions of abuse focus on individual incidents of physical injury. However, coercive control uses dominance and conditioning that have the cumulative effect over time of restricting the victim’s human rights to result in entrapment.

[Read: Coercive Control: The Domination of a Narcissist]

What Should You Do?

A narcissist’s perceived entitlement to not feel threatened and out of control does not trump and is not equal to your assertion of your autonomy and your human rights.

If this is happening to you, start keeping a journal of all of these instances of control. (Be sure to keep it somewhere safe where your partner can’t find it!) 

You may have many different reactions to them: fear, anxiety, desperation, anger, helplessness, despair, guilt, shame, or others. You may even feel as if you’ve done something wrong when you haven’t.

Even if your partner has convinced you that their actions are justified or you feel compelled to respond in a way that gives control over to your partner–write them down anyway.

By writing them down, you are solidifying to yourself that they happened. The list can provide you with a psychological tool that you can read again and again to be your own witness and objectively observe how you have been trapped in a box that keeps getting smaller… and open it before it’s too late.

Over 60 million people are in a relationship with a narcissist. Are you one of them? Parts of this article have been adapted from my book,Why Can’t I Just Leave, which takes you step-by-step through the path that got you here and helps lead you straight to the exit.

In it, you will read what over 600 survivors said in their own words about their experiences and how they left their relationships. You will learn about 75 signs that you’re in a pathological love relationship, what makes narcissistic abuse unique, the most damaging effect of narcissistic abuse, why we change while we’re in the relationship, and the five stages of breaking up with a pathological partner. 

You can read the first chapter which includes the pathological love relationship checklist, here:  Why Can’t I Just Leave free preview.

References

Real, Terrence. (2022). Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. New York: Goop Press.

If you liked this article, you may also be interested in these: 

• Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Must Stop with the Questions
• The 5 Stages of No Contact with a Narcissist
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

The post How Narcissists Twist the Truth and Trap Their Partners appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Many of the terms are used and explained using personal stories of survivors and the most up-to-date research in my book Why Can’t I Just Leave? You can read the first chapter for free right now here: 

 You can read the first chapter for free right now by clicking here

This comprehensive dictionary is a living document and is updated periodically to reflect emerging research and the growing use of terminology for defining narcissism, narcissists, pathological love relationships, coercive control, and narcissistic abuse. is divided into the following sections:

• Diagnostic Terms Related to Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
• Terms Used to Explain the Narcissist’s Behavior
• Terms Describing Roles of People in the Narcissist’s Life
• Terms Related to Narcissistic Abuse Tactics
• Terms Related to Coercive Control and Mind Control
• Terms Used to Describe Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Diagnostic Terms for Defining Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse 

Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD):  A type of personality disorder in which an individual shows a strong disregard for norms, morals and the law, or the rights and safety of others.  People with the disorder show a willingness to manipulate and exploit others. They also have a lack of empathy and may engage in impulsive, irresponsible behavior to serve their own ends. They are unconcerned with what others think and can be aggressive and hostile.

Covert Narcissist:  A narcissist who is able to hide his or her more obvious narcissism and feelings of entitlement and superiority. He or she is not likely to display the typical symptoms of classic narcissism such as grandiosity and attention-seeking.

Dark Tetrad:  Four personality traits that are correlated with criminal and antisocial behavior:  narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism.  Although social research demonstrates that each of the four has distinct qualities, they also have some overlapping characteristics, including a lack of empathy and remorselessness and a willingness to exploit and manipulate.   

Ego-Syntonic/Ego-Dystonic:  When a disorder produces behaviors or attitudes that are compatible with a person’s self-image, they are ego-syntonic. Most personality disorders are considered ego-syntonic, as the individuals with the disorders do not see their actions or attitudes as problematic. Disorders that produce attitudes or behaviors that do not align with a person’s self-image are ego-dystonic. Depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder are two examples.

Emotional Abuse/Psychological Abuse:  Acts of verbal aggression or non-physical hostility that result over time in the loss of the target’s self-esteem (emotional) or ability to trust one’s own mental thought processes (psychological).

Malignant Narcissist:  A special sub-type of narcissist that has also some traits of ASPD, such as aggressiveness, deceitfulness, and remorselessness. They are often sadistic and gain pleasure from hurting others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  A type of personality disorder in which a person has grandiose fantasies of success and power with few or no achievements behind the fantasies. People with the disorder are constantly comparing themselves to others and feeling envious. They may also feel others are envious of them. They believe they are unique and entitled to special treatment, admiration, and obedience. In addition, they lack emotional empathy and have a willingness to exploit others for their own benefit.

Neurotypical. A term once used to describe individuals who were not on the autism spectrum, it is now used as a term to contrast individuals who do not have a particular mental or behavioral disorder with those who do.

Overt Narcissist. A “garden-variety” or typical narcissist whose emotional displays, grandiosity and feelings of entitlement and superiority are on obvious display to others.

Pathological Love Relationship: A relationship in which a person experiences “inevitable harm” as a result of their partner’s low-conscience disorder.

Psychopath/Sociopath.  Considered to be sub-types of ASPD where the criteria must include disregard of laws and norms. Their meanings have changed over time and are used inconsistently. Only the term “psychopath” has been recognized in the DSM-5, and it is not an official diagnosis. Some researchers believe that a psychopath is more biologically-determined and a person’s environment is more responsible for producing a sociopath. Still others believe that there are differences between the two in how they behave. For example, they believe that a psychopath is more calculating and a sociopath acts more spontaneously. Finally, still other researchers believe that there is no difference– they are two terms applied to the same group of people with little evidence to support that there is an actual distinction in cause or behavior. The main features that both terms share that are relevant to narcissistic abuse are the lack of a conscience or remorse and the ability to manipulate and deceive.¹  

 Terms Used to Explain the Narcissist’s Behavior

Emotional empathy/Intellectual empathy.  Narcissists have the capacity for looking at the expressions on the faces of others to understand their emotions or for hearing a description of how others feel and having a rational response to it. This is intellectual empathy. They are less capable of imagining incidents happening to others and how those incidents would feel. Because of this, the impact of their actions on others does not generally play a role in their decision-making. 

Mask Slipping.  Narcissists have to put on a front that they view the world as everyone else does.  Although not all are self-aware, they are aware that not all of their actions would be viewed favorably. They have learned how to hide their true motives and feelings behind a “mask of sanity.” When cracks show the behaviors that are incongruent with their image, it is called “mask slippage.”

Narcissistic Injury.  This was at one time technical psychological jargon from Sigmund Freud to refer to a threat to or attack on the narcissist’s ego by someone else. The injury occurs due to a failure to reflect back the idealized image that the narcissist has of himself or herself. The term has now become a common one used in the online narcissistic abuse community to describe what happens when a person does something a narcissist perceives as criticism.

Narcissistic Rage.  Another technical term to describe the blind anger of the narcissist in response to a narcissistic injury that results in the mask slipping. In response to it, the narcissist may engage in a host of abusive behaviors designed to seek revenge on the person who caused the injury.

Object Constancy.  Narcissists have attachment issues. They cannot hold in their minds the idea that someone can have both positive qualities and negative ones at the same time, or that a person may be someone they like but can do things that they don’t like or agree with. This is called lacking “object constancy.”

Splitting.  Because of the lack of object constancy, narcissists “split” people.  When a person does what the narcissist wants– that is, providing high-quality narcissistic supply (see below–Roles of People)–they are perceived as “good.”  When he or she does something the narcissist doesn’t like– such as causing a narcissistic injury, merely by not living up to the narcissist’s high standards for reflecting back narcissistic supply– they are perceived as “bad.”  This is what often causes the dramatic shifts between idealization and devaluation of the partner by the narcissist (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

 Terms Describing Roles of People in the Narcissist’s Life 

Flying Monkeys.  All of the people (friends, family, exes and other admirers) in the narcissist’s “fan club” who do the bidding of the narcissist because they are blinded by his or her charms.

Golden Child.  In families where one of the parents is a narcissist and there are multiple children, the narcissistic parent may designate one child as the favorite, who becomes a reflection of the narcissist. The parent strips the child of an identity and makes him or her of an extension of the parent, praising him or her excessively for achievements the parent values and distorting failures as the fault of others– all of which stunts the emotional growth of the child. 

Harem.  The admirers and suppliers of narcissistic supply for the narcissist.  Can consist of current love interests, past love interests, people the narcissist flirts with, family members, friends, co-workers, or anyone that the narcissist keeps in his or her circle to tell him or her how great he or she is.  They all play different roles, and he or she may switch them out as favored or preferred members of the inner circle.  They also may fall from grace if they do not play their roles accordingly.

Narcissistic Supply.  The lifeblood for a narcissist, consisting of attention, adoration, admiration, and support required to bolster self-esteem and maintain his or her idea of him or herself as special and important.  Self-aware narcissist, H.G. Tudor calls this Fuel.

Scapegoat. In families where one of the parents is a narcissist and there are multiple children, family members may designate one child as the receptacle for the parent’s or the family’s dysfunction. The narcissistic parent may heap all of the responsibility, blame, or shame for anything that goes wrong within the family onto the child, and it may extend into neglect or abuse.

Terms Related to Narcissist Abuse Tactics

Ambient Abuse. This is an atmosphere created through persistent gaslighting, instability, covert manipulation, and other psychologically abusive tactics. It results in an erosion of the victim’s confidence and independence so that the abuser can control and exploit the victim.

Bait and Switch.  Victims don’t fall for narcissists because they are cruel in the beginning.  Narcissists first show them an intense amount of attention, affection and what feels like love before they begin to slowly reveal a side of themselves that is cold, inattentive and vicious, making it difficult for the victim to know what they should believe about how their partner feels about them and whether they should hold out for the narcissist to stop treating them unkindly. Also known as the “mean and sweet cycle” or the “nice and nasty cycle.”

Baiting.  A tactic used by the narcissist to intentionally provoke an emotional response from the victim, generally while feigning innocence.

Blameshifting. This is the act of avoiding responsibility for an act of wrongdoing by claiming that the act would not have occurred but for the actions of someone else (or something else, such as alcohol, youth, stress, or other external factor). 

Crazy-making.  A general term used to describe tactics used that over time cause self-doubt, confusion and that result in the victim questioning reality.  Examples of how it can occur are when the narcissist’s actions don’t match his or her words, when he or she gaslights or lies about his or her actions or what has been said, and when he or she refuses to discuss problems in the relationship in a constructive manner (see Word Salad below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

Dog whistling.  Another term for baiting, except narcissists often use this tactic in front of others to humiliate the victim or make him or her seem off-balance for the purposes of smearing the victim or preparing for a break-up.

Dosing.  The act of providing morsels of positive attention after the cruel phase has begun to keep the victim strung along.

Double standards.  Narcissists often have two sets of rules:  one for themselves and one for everyone else, as they think they are entitled to special treatment. They will often have high standards for honesty and fidelity among those they choose for partners but have no intentions of adhering to these standards themselves.

Ex-recycling.  Narcissists have a tendency to stalk and try to return to their former partners for attention and control. They also enjoy using former partners in other ways as well. If you do want to talk to them, they consider you to be still in love with them and they will use you to make their current partner(s) jealous.  If you don’t want to talk to them, you’re bitter, jealous or crazy and they will use you to make their current partner(s) feel sorry for them (see Triangulation below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

False flattery.  This is a form of love-bombing (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), in which a narcissist compliments another on whatever they think that person may be insecure about, in an effort to get him or her to return the compliments, as they love hearing about themselves.

Final discard.  Narcissists follow a relationship pattern (see idealize-devaluation-discard below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), but they often return and keep their ex-partner in a rotation for months or even years.  A final discard is the moment when some narcissists decide to leave the partner for good, sometimes in the most harmful way possible. Partners can never know if they have been subjected to a final discard, as narcissists may potentially return years or even decades later (see hoovering below–Abuse Tactics and Acts). Therefore, an argument can be made that the “final discard” is theoretical.

Future-faking.  Narcissists make grandiose promises about the life they plan to lead with a partner to fake intimacy and make them feel as if they are closer to the narcissist or more familiar with him or her than they actually are.

Gaslighting. A form of manipulation where the narcissist denies, provides conflicting information or outright lies over and over again in direct contradiction to what another person can blatantly perceive using his or her own five senses. The other person begins to doubt his or her perception of reality.  The term comes from a 1944 movie where a man purposely tries to drive his wife insane by making the gaslights flicker, then telling her that she is imagining it when she points it out.

Grooming. The process of slowly mixing negative behavior in with positive behavior in a relationship in order to wear down a partner’s boundaries so he or she will accept abusive treatment. It’s the “boiling the frog” metaphor, where the heat is turned up slowly and the frog doesn’t know it’s being boiled until it’s too late.

Hoovering.  A “hoover,” named after a brand of vacuum cleaner, is a tactic meant to “suck” a partner back into the relationship.  It happens after a period of silence during which the partner and the narcissist are not in contact with each other.  What characterizes this type of contact after a break-up with a narcissist is that it is insincere; no change in behavior will have occurred if the partners reunite.

Idealize – Devaluation – Discard. Considered the cycle of abuse in narcissistic relationships, in the idealization stage at the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist puts his or her partner on a pedestal and showers them with excessive praise and attention. At some point, the narcissist will begin to see his or her partner as flawed or even grow bored and the devaluation phase begins. Many tactics characterize this phase, such as verbal abuse (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), withholding, humiliation, and smearing (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts). Finally, when the narcissist no longer sees any value in the partner, perhaps if the partner has reacted in a way that the narcissist perceives negatively, such as demanding respect, the narcissist may discard the partner. The cycle often repeats many times before the relationship ends.

Intermittent Reinforcement. This is a pattern of behavior in which the narcissist randomly intersperses kindness between acts of cruelty. Psychological research demonstrates this is an especially powerful tactic. Because the partner never knows when the narcissist will show kindness, the randomness of the benevolence is one of the most critical forces that keep him or her tied to the relationship, hoping each time that the cruelty has come to an end for good.

Love-Bombing.  A period of intense positive attention from the narcissist that can include excessive flattery and declarations of love, mirroring (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), future-faking (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), gifts, sex, domination of the partner’s time, and fast-tracking the relationship. The result of these actions is an intense bond, where the partner becomes very vulnerable to, trusting of and dependent on the narcissist.

Mirroring.  This is one of the tactics used during the love-bombing that takes place in the beginning of the relationship.  It can be physical when the narcissist mimics the partner’s body language, behaviors, and actions.  It can also occur when the narcissist claims to enjoy the same activities or to have had similar experiences to make it appear as if the two have a lot in common.

Pathological lying. Lying that is done compulsively out of habit. It may not always seem to personally benefit the liar. It is known to be a common characteristic of many narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.  Sometimes, it is thought that they may engage in the lying for control or even enjoyment, in what is known as “duper’s delight.”

Projection. This is a defense mechanism narcissists commonly use to avoid their own feelings of shame caused by their negative behaviors. It occurs when they accuse partners of the things they themselves have done.

Silent Treatment. A period of non-responsiveness in which the narcissist disappears and treats the partner as if he or she doesn’t exist. The narcissist implements it as a form of punishment if a partner engages in a behavior that the narcissist doesn’t like.

Smear Campaign. To guard against exposure, prepare for their exit from the relationship, or gain sympathy from others, narcissists may spread gossip or tell half-truths or outright lies about their partners behind their backs.

Stonewalling. Refusal to engage in a conversation or provide information or other resources as a form of punishment for bringing up topics that a narcissist doesn’t like.

Triangulation. The act of using a third party in a conflict to make the narcissist appear in high demand, to manufacture emotions, or to gain further narcissistic supply (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

Verbal Abuse. Using namecalling, putdowns, or humiliation to weaken the self-esteem of the partner.

Victim-Blaming. The act of blaming or partially blaming the victim for the act of harm that has befallen him or her. Narcissists often use blameshifting statements to avoid taking responsibility for their abuse, such as stating that their partner was not caring or understanding enough, or was critical or reacted in a certain way, or left or did not give him or her a chance to change.  

Victim card. This is a name for a tactic narcissists use when they attempt to gain sympathy from others with the ultimate ulterior motive of excusing their abusive behavior. They may blame it on something negative in their past, a “bad childhood,” a broken heart, a lost love, a father that was never there or something else or all of the above.

Word Salad.  Circular language tactics narcissists use to ensure that conversations with others never have satisfactory resolutions for the other party; can include projection (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), stonewalling (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), blameshifting (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), sympathy ploys, bringing up something the partner did, bringing up unrelated issues, starting the conversation over, and others.

Terms Used to Explain Coercive Control or Mind Control 

BITE model:  A model developed by cult expert Steven Hassan to explain mind control, it consists of the four components necessary for successful mind control in order to effectively resolve cognitive dissonance: Behavioral Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotion Control.

Brainwashing:  A term used to explain the most repressive forms of mind control in which individuals know they are under a coercive influence. Because of this, they may be subjected to the most overt and some of the most physically harsh methods of thought reform, such as totalitarian societies and prisoners of war.

Coercive Control:  A term for excessive monitoring and covert or overt dominance over one or more areas of a partner’s life, such as finances, career, friendships, clothing choices, hobbies, medical care, food choices and eating habits, or other. It usually begins as concern for the partner, starts slowly, and can be subtle.  It can be cloaked by and hidden in many seemingly loving behaviors at first, such as criticizing in an off-handed way the partner’s body, clothing, accomplishments or friends; invading privacy by reading private messages or listening in on phone calls; accusing the partner of cheating when no evidence exists; insisting the partner remain in constant contact; and making it very unpleasant for the partner to do things that don’t involve the abuser.  The results of these behaviors are to lower the self-esteem of the partner and to isolate him or her from others and give the narcissist more control.

Cult:  A group in which members express very strong or absolute devotion to an idea or a person, deceptive practices were used to recruit members into the group, and a leader or leaders exploit and manipulate the devotion of the group members to their own detriment. A cult can have as few as two people or as many as thousands, and they can be religious, political, business-oriented, 

Dual Identity:  After a person has been in a repressive environment that restricts his or her thoughts and actions, including a relationship with a low-conscience individual, he or she may develop dual thoughts and motivations. This dual identity is a survival mechanism that emerges to avoid being absorbed by the partner and protect the “authentic self,” while also resolving cognitive dissonance and avoiding further punishment. The authentic self recognizes the partner’s behavior as abusive, but the “false self” has adapted to the abuse and manipulation.     

Hypnosis: A trance state in which a person’s mental focus turns inward and he or she disconnects from the external environment.  This results in the body being able to perform acts without mental attention. 

Mind Control:  The use of tactics or behaviors to influence a person’s autonomy and identity. They may be forcible or deceptive, known or subtle. The goal is to replace the person’s authentic self with a different identity that will act in ways that serve the interests of the controller. The mind control is usually not total when the environment is non-immersive, thus the dual identity emerges (See Dual Identity above).

Undue Influence: A form of mind control in which deceptive tactics were used to convince a person to put themselves in a position to make themselves vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation.

Terms Used to Explain the Effects of the Abuse on the Victim

Abuse Amnesia. A specific form of denial in which the partner of an abuser suppresses the awareness of the abuse he or she has endured in order to carry on the relationship. This is partially a result of cognitive dissonance (see below–Effects), and the fact that the first idea that was formed is the most resistant to change.

Chemical Bond. The brain chemicals of the partners of the narcissists become dysregulated and synced up with the cycle of abuse, releasing dopamine and oxytocin from the reward centers of the brain when the narcissist lovebombs (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts) the partner and Cortisol and norepinephrine during stressful times when the narcissist disappears during silent treatments (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts) causing immense pain. This creates a chemical addiction to the narcissist that is difficult to overcome.

Cognitive Dissonance. The uncomfortable feeling of anxiety from holding two beliefs that contradict one another. A person cannot hold both in the mind for very long without finding some way to rationalize or discredit one of them.

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). A variation of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in which chronic traumatization occurs from living a long-term traumatic situation rather than one event or short-term situation or in which multiple traumatic events occur. Examples include child abuse, domestic violence, or being a prisoner of war. Those with the condition typically have issues with emotion regulation and self-perception.

Dissociation. The state of feeling disconnected to what is happening around oneself, as if it has an unreal quality to it or is happening to someone else.

FOG. The mental state of confusion generated by the psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by narcissists. It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the manufactured emotions that narcissists use to try to keep their partners bound to them.

Identity Erosion. During all stages of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, narcissistic abusers use emotional control, behavioral control, information control and thought control (See BITE MODEL above) to reward and punish their partners. As a result, the partner adopts a perspective that identifies and protects the partner and his or her personality changes. This identity erosion is not “total,” and in other contexts is referred to as a “dual identity” (see above) or “doubling” because partners may often feel as if they are in conflict with themselves over their own desires.

Learned Helplessness. A psychological mindset the partner of a narcissist may develop in which he or she feels powerless to leave or escape the relationship despite having a desire to be free of it. It generally results from traumatic or ineffective attempts to leave due to the response by the narcissist. When the narcissist repeatedly draws the partner back into the cycle despite his or her desire to leave, the partner begins to feel as if he or she has no control to change the situation.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A state of extreme anxiety that activates a person’s “fight or flight” response in the brain on a consistent basis. It is so encompassing that a person’s thoughts, emotions, and beliefs about the world are all affected.  A single traumatic incident or an event with a time-limited duration, such as an accident, natural disaster, sexual assault, or tour of duty, is usually the cause.

Reactive Abuse. This is the term for what can occur if the abuser torments or intentionally baits the victim through manufactured emotions, triangulation (see above–Abuse Tactics and Acts) or other tactics into responding. Although the abuser has purposely generated an abusive atmosphere of power and control over the partner from the beginning, when he or she eventually gets a reaction from his or her partner, the narcissist can then use it to justify his or her abuse or claim victimhood and gain further sympathy or narcissistic supply elsewhere.

Stockholm Syndrome.  A phenomenon in which victims of trauma who are subject to horrific conditions or threats to their safety identify with their tormentors due to moments of kindness that they experience from them. Those moments of humanity enable them to develop positive feelings toward the tormentors as an unconscious defense mechanism to survive the trauma.

Trauma Bond. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in an abusive relationship, the abused partner may develop a loyalty to the abuser and suppress memories of their negative treatment in order to view him or her in the most positive light.  

Walking on Eggshells. This is a metaphorical term for the emotional anxiety the partner of an abuser can feel from not knowing what might set off an emotional tirade from a narcissist. The partner starts to watch everything he or she says or does and curb his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the abuser.

Terms Used to Discuss Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Closure. Narcissistic relationships rarely have the same kind of closure as ordinary relationships because both partners do not share the same narrative of the relationship. Because the relationship was characterized by deception and psychological manipulation, the partner of the narcissist will never have the answers, apologies, or good-byes from the narcissist that would provide peaceful closure because the narcissist is incapable of providing them. The partner must seek his or her own closure by understanding the nature of narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

Fog lifting.  The feeling of being able to think more clearly about the relationship once the partner of a narcissist institutes no-contact (see below–Healing). Over a period of days and weeks, partners tend to notice confusion and anxiety draining away as a function of the deprogramming from the psychological abuse.

Grey Rock. A modified form of no-contact (see below–Healing) in which the partner remains in technical contact with the narcissist out of necessity, however, has emotionally detached from him or her. The contact occurs only when absolutely necessary, is devoid of emotion, and does not provide the narcissist with any information beyond what is essential to convey.

No-Contact. A deliberate physical and psychological act by the partner of a narcissist to remove the narcissist from the life of the partner that includes taking steps in the material world to ensure that no contact can be made, and mentally preparing psychologically for not interacting with the narcissist again.

1 A more thorough explanation of these three terms and the similarities and differences among them can be found in the articles Narcissist or Sociopath: What’s the Difference? and in 9 Types of Narcissists: The Ultimate Guide. 

First Published 7/9/2018

Updated 4/12/2022

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The post Your Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Valentine’s Day is often a sensitive and dreaded day for many people, regardless of relationship status. Yet narcissists are notorious for ruining big days such as birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays.  [Read How Narcissists Ruin Holidays]

Valentine’s Day, however, is “extra-special.”  Everything about Valentine’s Day is tailor-made for them to wield it as a weapon to inflict maximum pain. 

Valentine’s Day can be triggering for those coming out of abusive relationships with narcissists. It’s a day specifically dedicated to the very emotions the narcissist distorted to gain our trust and then used to violate us. [Read Can a Narcissists Love? It’s Complicated]

Because the day is dedicated to love and relationships, everything about it can be used fraudulently in their illusion with little effort.

In each stage of the narcissistic cycle of abuse of idealize-devaluation-discard-and hoover, there’s always something cooking up on Valentine’s Day. [Read The 12 Stages of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle]

Narcissists and Valentine’s Day: The Tactics

1. Exploding or Disappearing On or Just Before Valentines Day

Starting huge arguments just before or on Valentine’s Day is not uncommon.  They may do this to avoid focusing on us or because they enjoy seeing us in pain.

Narcissists may also start an argument because there is someone else with whom they want to spend the day. An argument is an excuse for them to give you a silent treatment so they can spend Valentine’s Day with someone else.

They may use their anger and disappearances to avoid planning or gift-giving or any acknowledgment of the day at all.  

In my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, the night before our first Valentine’s Day together, he started an incident at a bar when another man spoke to me. He later told me he threw gifts he had bought me, including an “expensive bracelet,” out of the car window in anger while driving home. 

I will never know whether the gifts ever existed or whether he wanted me to feel that I would have gotten the spoils of his love if I had only done something differently.

2. Holding Valentine’s Day Over Your Head  

Narcissists often say that we don’t appreciate anything they do for us–as if the good things they do buys them the right to silence us as equal partners in the relationship and cancels out their abuse.   

If Valentine’s Day hasn’t happened yet, they may make threats to leave, cancel plans, take your gifts back because you’re not “appreciating” them if you dare to speak up about anything.

It’s not that you care about Valentine’s Day itself, but what it represents–peace and acknowledgment.  They’re conditioning us to walk on eggshells and jump over their bars with their rewards and punishments.

Valentine’s Day gives them a specific day to point to as a supposed testament of their love.  Then, once it’s over, if they love bomb you in at all, it’s later used as ammunition. 

They may mention it as proof that they love you, and you’re selfish and never happy if you, for example, bring up another lie or tell them you want them to treat you with dignity. 

3. Triangulating You with Others 

Narcissists have no shortage of past relationship partners to compare you to when it suits them.

They may talk about all the wonderful Valentine’s Days they have had in the past, or they may tell you how horrible past partners were to them on Valentine’s Day.

In both cases, they want to condition you to react a certain way. You will jump through hoops to make sure they feel special and that your Valentine’s Day with them is exceptional! 

4. Hoovering And Future-Faking  

The hoover game is strong around Valentine’s Day, so prepare yourself.

“I was thinking about last Valentine’s Day when we…”

“Are you free on Valentine’s Day? I want to take you to brunch and see you one last time.”

“Your favorite author has a new book out, and it made me think of you when I saw it. I picked it up for you, and I’d like to give it to you on Valentine’s Day.”

Once they get their foot in the door, then come the lavish promises about the future. More trips they’d “have liked” to take you on or things they wanted to do with you . . . if the two of you were still together. 

They still love you so much, they say. Won’t you see them one last time?

Stay strong. 

It’s not a sure thing that they will reach out. However, narcissists use the same hoovering tactics repeatedly because they work. Valentine’s Day is the one day you can predict potential contact. [Read 23 Narcissist Hoovering Tactics to Watch Out For]

5. Control and Harassment

The traditional designation of Valentine’s Day as a day when people go on dates and express love for one another can work in reverse in a relationship with a narcissist.

They can punish you with the threat to leave you on Valentine’s Day and reward you with the promise of a fantastical dream date.

In addition, if Valentine’s Day passes during a silent treatment when the two of you aren’t in contact, their jealousy could become their excuse to harass you. 

For example, they may use the holiday as an excuse to subject you to endless questions and accusations about what you were doing with other men or women. They may try to get you to confess to something that didn’t happen because they won’t believe they didn’t.

Valentine’s Day with a Narcissist Can Be a Nightmare

Many people perceive Valentine’s Day as a light-hearted holiday, even frivolous. It’s common knowledge that people sometimes suffer depression during the Christmas holidays, but Valentine’s Day? 

You aren’t alone in experiencing trauma because of how a narcissist has used Valentine’s Day to magnify their emotional abuse.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse may experience emotional turmoil on or around Valentine’s Day. The day may stir up old questions about the narcissist and love. It may increase confusion over whether the narcissist ever loved us or not. [Read Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated]

The ultimate transcendence of the narcissist’s control is to reflect on love beyond what we experienced in the relationship as part of our path to recovery.

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• Why Can’t I Just Leave?
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

The post Narcissists and Valentine’s Day: Romantic Torture appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

For example, if we could just explain to them how their behavior is hurting us, then perhaps they would stop. 

Things never align. We never reach the elusive dream of a loving relationship characterized by honesty and respect.

Instead, we find ourselves becoming weaker and more exhausted trying to do things that are beyond the bounds of what we should be expected to give.

It’s a merry-go-round we either ride until we’re sick or that we finally stumble off when we realize it will never stop on its own.

Understanding why these are the only two options is the secret to saving ourselves. 

Why Going No Contact is So Hard

The idealize-devalue-discard model for explaining narcissistic abuse provides a basic structure for understanding the foundation of a pathological love relationship with a narcissist.

First, during the idealization stage, we are put on a pedestal and viewed as the love of the narcissist’s life.

Then, we are denigrated as worthless and subjected to some of the cruelest treatment we have ever endured.

Finally, we are thrown away, shunned, and ignored as if we never existed. The cycle repeats.

But why do these three stages occur? Why would anyone idealize then devalue that same person? What keeps the person who experiences this treatment from exiting the cycle immediately? 

The idealize-devalue-discard cycle is a trap that evokes responses from us that we otherwise would not have in ordinary circumstances.

A deeper understanding of the relationship dynamics should be based on the narcissist’s disordered view and how it draws the partner into their dysfunctional lens. It can help to show:

1. How the narcissist’s actions guide the relationship toward dysfunction, and
2. Why the partner’s reactions do not lead to an outcome outside the painful cycle.

While in the relationship, it can feel impossible to break away and go no contact. By expanding the traditional cycle of narcissistic abuse, we can learn more about why:

The Expanded Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Stage 1. The Narcissist Love-Bombs the Partner

This is the first stage in the cycle in a relationship with a narcissist, previously noted as the idealization stage.

As the narcissist idealizes the partner, both experience an emotional high in the brain that is so powerful, it can simulate cocaine use as certain neurotransmitters are released.

The narcissist puts the partner on a pedestal and begins to mirror both the physical actions and personal likes and dislikes of the partner. The narcissist creates an emotional “safe space” of utter acceptance that induces positive feelings of love, trust, and vulnerability.

This “safe space” is a reflection of all that the partner wants to hear and see because it’s based upon what the narcissist has learned of the partner’s identity and background. There is fast “familiarity” and “future-orientation” in the relationship, accompanied by grandiose statements about destiny or a once-in-a-lifetime connection.

For narcissists, this period of idealization is what they crave most, as it is when they receive the purest form of their own idealized view of themselves reflected back to them from their new partners.

By crafting an image of themselves that reflects what the partner needs to see to be comfortable in the relationship, the narcissist receives a high quality of narcissistic supply in the form of adoration, attention, and love.

Stage 2. The Partner Inevitably “Disappoints” the Narcissist

The idealization stage may last weeks, months or even a year or longer, but it cannot be maintained because it is built on illusions about who the narcissist truly is. The narcissist has manufactured a false persona that doesn’t truly exist.

In addition, the relationship is not supported by the principles that must comprise a healthy relationship, such as mutual trust, honesty, and commitment.

Many different things can trigger in the narcissist that their partner is a “disappointment,” such as: 

• The narcissist becomes bored with the relationship or partner as the problems of the real world start to penetrate the dream-like quality of the idealization stage.

When the real world pierces through the idealized one, the narcissist starts to feel life sliding into mediocrity.

For example, the partner may go to the narcissist with a problem he or she is having and the narcissist doesn’t want to deal with those. “Problems” interfere with the narcissist’s ability to receive the supply they need from their partner.

They can no longer keep the emptiness and the internalized sense of worthlessness at bay. Narcissists may become irritated that they have to focus on someone else or someone else’s problems.

• The narcissist has secret lives and it starts to cause a strain on the relationship.

Narcissists have a sense of entitlement about having two sets of rules about their extracurricular activities, such as lying and cheating, but this can result in two things.

First, the narcissist never truly trusts their partner because they projects all of their secret behavior onto the partner. As a result, the narcissist tries to control the partner.

Second, the partner’s intuition may tell them that something is off, and when the partner speaks up, the narcissist may begin to gaslight them. Either of these things may lead the narcissist to become irritated with the partner, despite the narcissist being the one to engage in the betrayals.

• The narcissist starts to see “flaws” in the partner. 

These things that narcissists view as flaws can range from saying no to the narcissist’s request or choosing a night out with friends, asking questions about suspicious behavior, or merely holding a different opinion.

When the partner does not make the narcissist the center of attention, the narcissist feels offended.

• The narcissist begins to feel threatened by the partner’s autonomy. 

Narcissists like to know what their partners are doing at all times. They can also be threatened by a partner’s independence or by a partner knowing more about a subject or having more of something than the narcissist does.

They don’t like to be “outshined,” even if they also look good by association, as it draws attention away from themselves. For a narcissist, too much independence may mean the partner will abandon or reject them. 

While narcissists see these issues as problematic, to them the problems exist because the partner will not do or stop doing something that they have a basic human right to do. They lack the self-awareness and ability to recognize that the problems exist because of their perception of their partner’s behavior.

The narcissist then feels disrespected and unappreciated.

Stage 3.  Narcissistic Injury Occurs

As the partner continues to assert autonomy and independence, the narcissist’s resentment grows.

When the partner does not do something the narcissist wants, no matter how outrageous a violation of human dignity it might be, it feels like a slap in the face to the narcissist:“Look at all this effort I put in to give her everything she wanted. This is the thanks I get. She doesn’t even know how lucky she is.”

The partner’s love and attention is no longer good enough. The narcissist demands that the real world stay suspended forever and the partner forever keep them at the center of their lives.

Without the partner’s undivided attention, the narcissist is reminded or his or her own fears and insecurities. They feel wounded by what they perceive as the partner not “playing along” and seek to take back what the things they gave when morphing into the “perfect partner.” 

Narcissists feels entitled to do whatever they want to do, even if it hurts the partner. Feeling wronged, to soothe their ego, the narcissist may engage in behavior that violates the sanctity of the relationship to avoid feeling as if they’re in the one-down position. 

Stage 4. The Narcissist Devalues the Partner

Narcissists suffer from something called “object constancy.” If you’re not with them, you’re against them. If you have caused them a narcissistic injury, they see your actions as intentional attempts to disrespect them. Once you are placed into the “bad” category, you are viewed as the enemy.

Partners who cannot be controlled or do not conform to expectations incite narcissistic rage and so the narcissist lash out at the partner in revenge.

The verbal abuse may be subtle at first. This is where we usually hear phrases such as:

“Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”

“If you loved me, you’d do [x].”

“All you want to do is argue.”

“I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“You always have to bring up [x] and ruin everything.”

“You’d better call me back in five minutes or it’s over.”

The partner is shocked and baffled by the sudden change in the narcissist. 

Where is the person they fell in love with? Why is the narcissist so angry? 

Eventually, the abusive words take a darker turn and the narcissist might start to be cruel. They may denigrate and humiliate the partner more directly for the “disappointments.” Devaluating their partner feels justified because they lack the control they feel entitled to have.

Because they also have low empathy, there may be almost no limits to what narcissists are willing to do to hurt their partners. They will employ the “nuclear option” to destroy and discredit their partners. 

Stage 5. The Partner Confronts the Narcissist Over Being Devalued

The partner’s shock and sadness may feel crushing, yet it will unleash a barrage of questions and self-doubt.

The partner will be blindsided by the cruel about-face. It will seem illogical, and the partner will not be able to figure out what caused such an extreme reaction.

The extreme devaluation by the narcissist is at complete odds with the soulmate persona that was portrayed by them at the beginning of the relationship.

Even more confusing, once the narcissist cools off, they may pretend as if the incident of devaluation never happened or was no big deal. Once the narcissist has gone off and diffused the injury to their ego by exacting revenge in some way, the damage is under control. The balance feels restored and “normality” has returned.

To the partner, however, nothing feels normal. Hurt and confused, they confront the narcissist to get an explanation that will make this behavior make sense.

Stage 6. The Narcissist’s Defense Mechanisms Kick In

During this stage, the narcissist engages in a variety of verbal tactics to deflect, project, gaslight, blame-shift, and even stonewall.

You’re too sensitive.

That’s not what I said. You heard me wrong.

Well, what about that time you said [something unrelated]? 

I have been really stressed out. I’m sorry– it won’t happen again.

Can’t we leave this in the past? I told you I’d never do it again. If you can’t stop talking about it, I’m leaving.

This is all part of the word salad that narcissists use in circular conversations that minimize partner’s pain, avoid taking responsibility and keep their abuse and the real nature of the relationship hidden.

What narcissists cannot accept is that they are wrong or and even to hear that they have harmed their partners is to feel criticized by them.

It sparks feelings of weakness and shame to hear from them that they have done something that is less than perfect.

Stage 7. The Partner Tries to Hold the Relationship Together While Maintaining His or Her Self-Respect and Autonomy

The turn that the relationship has taken appears to defy logic to the partner.

The sweet and thoughtful person they fell in love with now attacks them for reasons the partner doesn’t understand. When asked about it, the narcissist denies the attacks were attacks or claims that allude to the idea that the attacks were deserved.

Partners may draw one of two possible conclusions: 

• The person we are with is disordered, because it doesn’t make sense that someone can seem to switch love on and off like a light switch,  OR
• There is a misunderstanding and the excuses that the narcissist provides are genuine. If we can just do the right things, all of the “bad times” will stop and things can be as they were in the beginning.

The two competing ideas cause a psychological conflict known as cognitive dissonance. It’s not possible to hold two contradictory thoughts in one’s head at the same time. 

Resolving the contradiction in favor of our initial impression of the narcissist at this point is the most reasonable psychological response.

In other words, the narcissist presented themselves as kind, thoughtful, and generous in the beginning of the relationship. It doesn’t make sense to believe that they actually don’t care about their partners or intend to hurt them.

When narcissists provide explanations for their behavior, even though the explanations may be outrageous, the fact that they had a “reason” aligns with this first impression of them as loving and kind.

It make sense psychologically for partners to believe that there has been a mistake and to reject the idea that the narcissist is actually cruel and callous.

This is the stage where partners are unknowingly drawn into the narcissist’s distorted reality. By accepting the narcissist’s view on the incidents, partners begin to lose touch with their own intuition and judgment.

Stages #2-7 form a mini-cycle within this larger cycle. The more times this mini-cycle repeats, the less partners in these relationships trust themselves as they become further entrenched in the narcissist’s version of their relationship.

Stage 8. The Narcissist Gives a Silent Treatment or Discards the Partner

After many iterations of the mini-cycle, the partner usually becomes very traumatized by the emotional and psychological abuse perpetrated by the narcissist.

Being drawn into the narcissist’s reality provides an extremely volatile and unhealthy world for the partner and their “fight or flight” instincts may now be triggered.

Some of the ways it may manifest itself include withdrawing emotionally out of fear of having to walk on eggshells; overwhelming anxiety over the consistent feeling that something is off and attempting to alleviate it by asking the narcissist what’s happening; feeling so hurt and broken-hearted over what has happened, that depression sets in; or reacting or trying to stand up for oneself when provoked by further devaluation (fight).

After the mini-cycle repeats over time, the narcissist also changes. They become completely disillusioned with the partner as the partner continues to “disappoint” the narcissist with normal human behavior.

The narcissist is disgusted with the partner’s behavior. To the narcissist, the partner is either combative, abusive and jealous, crazy and never satisfied, or is self-absorbed and inattentive.

Recognizing that the partner is no longer providing unquestioning worship and devotion, the narcissist rejects the partner.

To avoid the feelings of worthlessness that come from their partner’s trauma, the narcissist will give a silent treatment or even discard the partner and disappear at this stage for days or weeks at a time– or even longer.

Stage 9. The Partner Suffers Crippling Pain, Doubt, and Confusion

The entire relationship to this point has been held in place by the dominance and control of the narcissist through hundreds or thousands of instances of emotional and psychological (and sometimes physical or sexual) abuse.

The emotional and psychological abuse tactics are important because they were the invisible bullets that eroded the partner’s sense of self. The partner has at least partially adopted the narcissist’s points of view, which may include:

• “I’m too sensitive.”
• “I caused this to happen.”
• “I’m exaggerating or just plain wrong about what’s happening here.”
• “The narcissist love me and doesn’t want to hurt me but if I just try a little harder, they will stop.”

In contrast, the harmful reality that has been downplayed, ignored, and hidden through the narcissist’s emotional and psychological abuse are:

• the narcissist’s view of the partner fluctuates between extremes (which is not normal) and the fluctuation itself does not represent love but control
• the narcissist equivocates their abuse with the partner’s autonomy and their reasonable, human behavior
• the partner endures and reacts to the narcissist from a position of extreme volatility and abuse
• the narcissist tries to suppress and deny the partner’s lived experience of the relationship as painful and confusing

During silent treatments, the partner suffers tremendously because their reality has been warped through the manipulation of events– the narcissist putting on a show of being a loving person with surface-level actions and promises but without the commitment and support underlying such a relationship.

Further, the narcissist does not take responsibility for the harmful behaviors that undermine the soulmate facade that he or she has conveyed.

The partner will likely feel panicked that the narcissist is gone, after having taken on the view of the narcissist, which has instilled doubt in his or her own intuition and judgment.

He or she will likely miss the narcissist and wish for another chance to try to “get things right” so that everything will only go back to the way it once was, the way it was during Stage #1. 

The partner may be hurt by what the narcissist has done and may believe there is still some way to reconcile the narcissist’s hurtful actions with the dream that the narcissist has fed him or her if only he or she would stop talking about them– as if talking about them is the problem, and not the fact that the narcissist acted hurtfully.

Stage 10.  The Narcissist Hoovers

The partner is extremely vulnerable to being drawn back into the relationship. Even if the partner doesn’t reach out to the narcissist, the narcissist will likely reach out to the partner using hoovering attempts. [Read Signs the Narcissist You Know is Hoovering You]

The narcissist hoovers once he or she feels that the partner is conciliatory enough to accept that it is the narcissist who is the true victim. When this thought has settled in, the narcissist will not have to work very hard to gain back control over the partner.

The partner will “forgive” the narcissist and stop asking questions or look the other way.

The partner will apologize for being too “needy” or “jealous” or for lashing out in response to being repeatedly devalued or baited. The narcissist’s context of abusive control is conveniently ignored.

The narcissist may apologize too and promise change in an attempt to hoover if necessary, but the acknowledgment of the wrongs done will lack insight.

Any explanations and excuses will be shallow and unsatisfying. The narcissist will not be able to offer explanations for what they have done that make sense. 

On the surface, things may be good again for the moment, but underneath, the foundation is still rotten. All the partner wants is for the confusion and pain to stop, and so it does– for a price.

Stage 11. The Relationship is Restored But the Partner is Conditioned to Expect Abusive Treatment

The narcissist has promised not to behave in such a cruel manner, but nothing changes. Nothing has to change, as the narcissist controls the narrative at this point.

The purpose of silent treatments and discards is to teach the partner a lesson: if you don’t do as I want you to do, I will shut you out of my life. 

Furthermore, the narcissist will often try to crush the partner in the most devastating way possible as they do it.

The narcissist views the partner’s ordinary human behavior as problematic simply because that behavior inconveniences the narcissist or elicits negative feelings. Love is a zero-sum game to a narcissist–not a partnership.

And so the cycle continues and Stage #2 starts again. The longer a partner stays, the more emotional trauma is inflicted. The abuse is a self-reinforcing cycle, as the narcissist continues to scoop out the partner’s autonomy and identity and replace it with distortions that shape the partner in ways the narcissist desires. 

As the partner’s identity is eroded, it becomes even more difficult to find the thread inside of them that wants to get away because they no longer trust themselves. Learned helplessness sets in, and the partner forms a trauma bond with the narcissist or develops Stockholm Syndrome.

Stage 12. The Partner Goes No-Contact with the Narcissist

At some point, either the narcissist will discard the partner for good–or the partner must find the strength to go no-contact with the narcissist in order for the relationship to ever truly come to an end.

No-contact is something that must be initiated psychologically by the partner, regardless of the status of physical contact between the two. It can occur when the partner has a breakthrough that penetrates the narcissist’s distortions to recognize that there is no happy ending. 

It doesn’t have to be a breakthrough that completely flips the partner’s perspective overnight or for good. That’s probably not even realistic under extreme cognitive manipulation.

Yet a glimmer, or several glimmers over time, of another reality in which the partner feels a certainty deep inside that the narcissist will never change is all it takes. This glimmer comes from the inalienable self that the narcissist, as hard as they try, can never fully extinguish. 

It is you.

In the final stage of this expanded cycle, you take a leap of faith to save yourself and make the intentional choice to cut the narcissist out of your life forever.

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• • • Why Can’t I Just Leave?
    • Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
    • The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

The post Why You Can’t Leave the Narcissist in Your Life appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

I would lie awake at night and wonder how he could have looked at me the way he had if he did not love me. 

When love is a lie, can people fake enlarged pupils and do they look at you with their lips slightly parted, as if they are dying of thirst and you are a pool of endless water? 

Do you look into their eyes and see yourself reflected back like rays of gold illuminating a forgotten darkness? 

Do you catch them staring at you like maybe you are made of magic?

Could I really have been so wrong?  Could I have misread him so completely?  Was it all just a game to him then, and was he just pretending?

And yet if he loved me that much, how could he have betrayed me so deeply and on so many levels, again and again. 

And how could he, when I confronted him, say the cold, cruel things to me about his betrayals? 

How could he shut me out so many times as if I meant nothing and discard me to be with someone else, when all I ever wanted to do was be his girlfriend?

I spent hours out of evenings, that amounted first to days, and then, ultimately, weeks, turning this question over again and again in my mind. 

For two years, I went over the details, putting each one I could recall in an imaginary “yes” or a “no” column.  Where does this incident go?  What about this one? 

I’d have myself convinced that he did love me. I’d remember things I’d discovered by accident that he’d never intended me to know that seemed to indicate that he did– text conversations he’d had with other people, pictures of him wearing my bracelet on his wedding day. [Read: 5 Reasons Lovebombing is a Stealth Danger]

Why would he have taken these actions or had these conversations unless he loved me?  He couldn’t use them to impress me if he had not intended for me to find out about them.

Then I’d also remember the secret things he had done to betray me that he’d also never intended me to find out about, the things he’d never meant to show me because they would have tampered with the image he wanted to present to me: all the other women he’d said he loved, all the horrible things he’d said about me to them.

None of it made any sense.

While we were still together, I asked him if he loved me dozens of times, waiting to hear something that would make the world he had called love when he constructed it stop circling me so I could stop feeling crazy. 

His responses ranged from loving (“Of course I did. You’re the love of my life”) to enraged (“If you can’t see my love for you, then nothing I did was ever good enough for you”). Neither of those responses, nor anything else he ever said that fell in between those extremes, put the pieces in place. [Read: Things Narcissists Say to Give Themselves Away]

Did he or didn’t he?

Settling on love/not love as the final answer was the puzzle I could never solve.

In all honesty, I know that he is the only one who will ever really know whether he loved me or not. No one can read his mind, and no matter what he says, no one will ever know whether it is the truth when so much of what he does and says is a lie.

Yet, it’s not normal to come away from a relationship unclear about whether or not you were even loved. What I wanted was a way to reasonably reconcile his contradictory behaviors in a way that made sense in the way that I had experienced them.

There had to be a way to explain how it was possible that he could engage in acts of love and acts of betrayal nearly simultaneously. Even if I didn’t like the answer, I needed to understand how that was possible in order to make sense of my past.

Reading most books and articles on narcissists were no help. 

Almost everything I read said that narcissists were incapable of love. In other words, he meant only the acts of betrayal and his acts of love were false– meant to elicit what he could get from me. 

This explanation seemed incomplete and incompatible with what I’d experienced, however.  It also seemed like a blanket statement, given that the literature does not even agree on what causes narcissism. [Read: The Unlucky 13 Different Types of Narcissism]

I continued to research to find out whether it was even possible for narcissists to love, which would indicate an experience more in line with the one I had had. 

I did indeed find some research to support this idea.  It all stated, however, that there are limitations on that love. [Read: Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated]

They can love you as long as you do not criticize them– and they perceive bringing up any of their wrongdoing, no matter how gently– as criticism.

They can love you as long as you keep supplying whatever it is that brings them happiness.

They can love you as long as you are happy and as long as the focus of attention is primarily on them.

They can love you as long as you let them control enough aspects of your life so that they do not feel threatened.

If you do bring up how you have been hurt or do not provide them with enough attention or do anything that feels threatening, they feel wounded, as if you are the one who doesn’t love them, and can engage in horrendous acts of “revenge.”

They lack something called “object constancy,” and are unable to remain a consistent, trustworthy person when you have an argument or do something they don’t like. You cease to be “good” in their eyes. [See: The Ultimate Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary]

I kept searching for more answers. One of the primary underpinnings of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is that two seemingly contradictory ideas can be true at the same time.

For example, I can accept myself the way I am at this moment and I can also know I need to change something about myself. Through acceptance of these ideas, we can validate where we are now and also empower ourselves to do something differently.

Could this idea be applied to a narcissistic relationship? Did he have to love me or hate me? 

With this idea in mind, over time, my question changed. 

I no longer wanted to know if he loved me or not. I began to think philosophically about what love really is and who gets to define it. Is this really love?  If I am not allowed to be a whole person with my own concerns and desires and still have him love me, is it love?  If he felt it as love, does that make it love? [Read: Getting Over a Narcissist Means Reflecting on Love]

“I never lied to you about my love for you,” he said to me many times.

I believe that he believes that.  And yet the strength of that love could only ever be as powerful as the worst of the things he ever did to me all those times he couldn’t pretend to be blind anymore, and, still, he did them anyway.

His inability to understand this is what so clearly illuminates him as a narcissist. [Read: When Did I Realize He Was a Narcissist?]

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• Why Can’t I Just Leave?
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Want more? Get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

The post Does the Narcissist Really Love You? appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Here are some ways to survive the narcissist during the holiday season and make it through to the next year with your sanity intact.

Even if you’re in no-contact, it’s important to keep in mind that holidays are a prime season for trying to pull ex-partners back into the web. Therefore, I’ve included a special section on how to arm yourself against the holiday hoover. [Read: Why Narcissists Hoover]

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

There are three important things to realize that can set you free.  

1. Narcissists ruin holidays because it’s in their best interest.
2. You can’t control what the narcissist does, you can only prepare and respond to his or her behavior.
3. You will need to prepare to have a happy and peaceful holiday season anyway, regardless of the tantrums he or she throws.

I know that what you really want is to have a peaceful holiday season and to have a loving relationship with your partner. You want your partner to stop abusing you, stop devaluing you, and stop starting arguments over ridiculous things–and not just over the holidays but every day.

This desire that we have is exactly how the narcissist is able to hurt and abuse us.

They do this by getting our hopes up that this year things will be different.

Or by making us believe that if we only do [x] or if we would have done [x], he or she would have not done whatever it was that threw everything into turmoil. We begin blaming ourselves for the holiday chaos when it isn’t our fault! 

Maybe he or she just makes underhanded comments, waiting to see our reaction. We get that familiar feeling inside. Should we say something, risk being called too sensitive, risk open hostility and ridicule? Or just shut down and not feel anything at all?

The holidays.  When you’re with a narcissist, we associate emotions with them that should never be associated with them in the first place.

Other resources exist that can help you to come to terms with the idea that the narcissist cannot be who we wish they were and to grieve over this fact. 

This article has a different purpose. It exists to help you get through a certain time period. Its purpose is to help you predict what will happen temporarily even if you can’t accept their behavior long-term.

Preparing ahead of time may help you to have a little peace in your life this holiday season.

How to Deal with a Narcissist During the Holidays

Knowing narcissists try to ruin holidays and you can’t control them can help you detach from how they behave. Detachment is the key to each of the survival ideas presented below. 

1. Determine your own goal or intended outcome for each holiday event or activity and then set your boundaries accordingly.

If there are parties or family events you want to attend, or you have traditions that you want to uphold, by all means, make your plans–and then keep them.  

You may make the plans with the narcissist, but then if the narcissist doesn’t keep them, do not let him or her make you feel bad if you go anyway.  

Also, if the narcissist tries to take you to an activity and then covertly abuse you, leave. You’re under no obligation to make nice just because it’s the holiday season. 

2. Check the facts mentally when the narcissist states or does something that appears manipulative.

The thing to remember is that narcissists are often manipulative, so you may be checking the facts a lot. 

Because the holidays provide narcissists special opportunities to manipulate you and your emotions, however, it’s a good idea to be especially aware of anything that seems unusual. 

Has the narcissist been especially nice when he or she has been in a devalue phase?  Or, has the narcissist begun to devalue you when previously he or she was treating you with kindness?  

Is the narcissist starting arguments more frequently?  Is the narcissist walking out and giving you the silent treatment?  There is a reason for everything.

You don’t necessarily need to become a detective because it ultimately doesn’t matter. (I know–easier said than done, right?) 

But maybe the holidays can provide you a respite from those feelings of anxiety as well by dropping a special blanket of protection over this time period and encouraging you to react differently, even if they are up to their same old tricks.

You can try to stay grounded during this time–for the traditions you had before you met the narcissist that you want to hold onto, your family and children, and especially for yourself.  

3. Be prepared for disappointment. 

The narcissist may make grand promises, but take everything he or she says with a grain of salt.

If they don’t follow through, don’t give them the satisfaction of having a negative reaction in front of them. 

4. Try seeing the narcissist as sad and pathetic instead of being hurt by his or her actions. 

When you feel joy at something that doesn’t involve him or her, they may try to bring you down instead of sharing in your pleasure or trying to be part of it.

It appears to make no sense–but try to remember that narcissists are often envious of other people’s happiness. They gain narcissistic supply when your attention focuses on them. 

If they can’t receive your positive attention, they may try to get it by causing you pain and then returning your focus to it once again. 

You don’t need to feel pity for them at this time (or ever). They are good at turning your empathy into an opportunity to exploit you. And I’m not suggesting that their actions don’t sting. 

Yet can you see them for what they are? Pathetic attempts to project their shame and despair onto you? Yes, it’s sad that we can’t share our joy with someone we love during this time and it’s okay to feel that, but we don’t have to own their emotions.

5. Don’t change your behavior to keep the peace–and expect that the peace will be broken.

Narcissists like to use threats and promises about how smoothly the holidays (or any special days) will go to keep you in line.

“I’m not going if you’re just going to bring that up. I told you she’s the one who keeps texting me. I can’t do anything about it. You’re ruining the whole surprise I had planned.”

“You didn’t text me back. You weren’t really out shopping. Who is he?”

“You never appreciate anything I do for you.” [storming out and giving you a silent treatment when you ask why he or she didn’t show up to your family dinner]

“I was going to propose to you on Christmas Eve, but you don’t trust me so now I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Notice how no matter what you do, the narcissist will find something to be unhappy about. 

You can decide to say nothing to the narcissist about anything you notice that seems off just to try to avoid confrontation, and it won’t make any difference.

That’s because even if you go about your normal life and the narcissist will start conflict himself or herself.  The narcissist will always find something about your behavior to be unhappy with because he or she is envious, jealous, and insecure and does not see you as an equal, deserving of worth and dignity. 

The more you curb your own behavior, the more the narcissist will demand that you do it.  

When the narcissist acts this way, don’t think of him* as reacting to your behavior. Think of him reacting to his own internal mental constructs that have nothing to do with you–and then continue to behave as you normally would.

You may not get any answers. The narcissist may back out of plans (see above), but this is how you maintain your own identity within the relationship.

How to Deal with Hoovering during the Holidays

If you are no longer with the narcissist and are in no-contact, you should be aware that holidays are still something you should be preparing for. Narcissists like to use the sentimental value of the holiday season to hoover. [Read: 23 Narcissist Hoovering Tactics to Watch Out For]

The best preparation is to have a plan in advance.  Can you answer these three questions?

1. What will you do to try to avoid receiving a hoover in the first place? 

Is the narcissist’s number blocked?  If not, do it now. Are there other things you can do to try to prevent it from even happening?

2. How will you do to handle it if you do receive it? 

List at least three things that you will do if it happens.  These should be things that do not involve contact with the narcissist–the goal is not to get involved. 

Maybe you can talk with a friend about it.  You may want to write out what you would say if you were going to talk to the narcissist. 

If it’s a phone call, you may envision yourself hanging up or come up with something you will say before disconnecting the call.  If it’s written contact, you may throw it in the trash without reading.

The idea is to come up with things that work for you.

3. What will you do to handle the emotional impact of receiving it?

Again, list at least three things you will do to take care of your emotions.  You can’t pretend it didn’t happen, and you’ll have to deal with the fallout.

Will you go to the gym and work out your anxiety or anger?  Talk it out with someone? Do something that really makes you feel empowered or cared for?

It’s probably a good idea to list things that you can do immediately, as well as things that you can do longer-term. 

If you are not in no-contact with the narcissist, but you’ve instituted grey rock, the same three questions still apply.  If they want to suddenly make a play for you again, you need to think about preparing for it. 

How are you going to guard against that happening in the first place?  What will you do if it happens?  How will you care for your emotions if it does?

You may not come up with the same answers as if you were not in contact with the narcissist at all. You can still prepare in much the same ways.

Don’t Let Narcissists Ruin Your Holidays

It may appear in some of my suggestions about how to survive as if they are getting their way.

What the suggestions are intended to offer, however, is the opposite. They are intended to provide you with ways to mentally challenge what it is they desire so that they aren’t able to control you during this time. 

It is heartbreaking that we must detach in these ways from someone we love and with whom we want to share our happiness. Yet this is how we protect ourselves from more pain. 

I wish you love and peace this holiday season.  Take care of yourself. Don’t let the narcissist in your life take that away from you.

Want more? Get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• Why Can’t I Just Leave?
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

*A male pronoun is used to preserve the sentence structure. Please substitute the appropriate gender pronoun for your situation, if necessary.

The post How to Deal with a Narcissist During the Holidays appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.