Many of the terms are used and explained using personal stories of survivors and the most up-to-date research in my book Why Can’t I Just Leave? You can read the first chapter for free right now here: 

 You can read the first chapter for free right now by clicking here

This comprehensive dictionary is a living document and is updated periodically to reflect emerging research and the growing use of terminology for defining narcissism, narcissists, pathological love relationships, coercive control, and narcissistic abuse. is divided into the following sections:

• Diagnostic Terms Related to Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
• Terms Used to Explain the Narcissist’s Behavior
• Terms Describing Roles of People in the Narcissist’s Life
• Terms Related to Narcissistic Abuse Tactics
• Terms Related to Coercive Control and Mind Control
• Terms Used to Describe Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Diagnostic Terms for Defining Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse 

Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD):  A type of personality disorder in which an individual shows a strong disregard for norms, morals and the law, or the rights and safety of others.  People with the disorder show a willingness to manipulate and exploit others. They also have a lack of empathy and may engage in impulsive, irresponsible behavior to serve their own ends. They are unconcerned with what others think and can be aggressive and hostile.

Covert Narcissist:  A narcissist who is able to hide his or her more obvious narcissism and feelings of entitlement and superiority. He or she is not likely to display the typical symptoms of classic narcissism such as grandiosity and attention-seeking.

Dark Tetrad:  Four personality traits that are correlated with criminal and antisocial behavior:  narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism.  Although social research demonstrates that each of the four has distinct qualities, they also have some overlapping characteristics, including a lack of empathy and remorselessness and a willingness to exploit and manipulate.   

Ego-Syntonic/Ego-Dystonic:  When a disorder produces behaviors or attitudes that are compatible with a person’s self-image, they are ego-syntonic. Most personality disorders are considered ego-syntonic, as the individuals with the disorders do not see their actions or attitudes as problematic. Disorders that produce attitudes or behaviors that do not align with a person’s self-image are ego-dystonic. Depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder are two examples.

Emotional Abuse/Psychological Abuse:  Acts of verbal aggression or non-physical hostility that result over time in the loss of the target’s self-esteem (emotional) or ability to trust one’s own mental thought processes (psychological).

Malignant Narcissist:  A special sub-type of narcissist that has also some traits of ASPD, such as aggressiveness, deceitfulness, and remorselessness. They are often sadistic and gain pleasure from hurting others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  A type of personality disorder in which a person has grandiose fantasies of success and power with few or no achievements behind the fantasies. People with the disorder are constantly comparing themselves to others and feeling envious. They may also feel others are envious of them. They believe they are unique and entitled to special treatment, admiration, and obedience. In addition, they lack emotional empathy and have a willingness to exploit others for their own benefit.

Neurotypical. A term once used to describe individuals who were not on the autism spectrum, it is now used as a term to contrast individuals who do not have a particular mental or behavioral disorder with those who do.

Overt Narcissist. A “garden-variety” or typical narcissist whose emotional displays, grandiosity and feelings of entitlement and superiority are on obvious display to others.

Pathological Love Relationship: A relationship in which a person experiences “inevitable harm” as a result of their partner’s low-conscience disorder.

Psychopath/Sociopath.  Considered to be sub-types of ASPD where the criteria must include disregard of laws and norms. Their meanings have changed over time and are used inconsistently. Only the term “psychopath” has been recognized in the DSM-5, and it is not an official diagnosis. Some researchers believe that a psychopath is more biologically-determined and a person’s environment is more responsible for producing a sociopath. Still others believe that there are differences between the two in how they behave. For example, they believe that a psychopath is more calculating and a sociopath acts more spontaneously. Finally, still other researchers believe that there is no difference– they are two terms applied to the same group of people with little evidence to support that there is an actual distinction in cause or behavior. The main features that both terms share that are relevant to narcissistic abuse are the lack of a conscience or remorse and the ability to manipulate and deceive.¹  

 Terms Used to Explain the Narcissist’s Behavior

Emotional empathy/Intellectual empathy.  Narcissists have the capacity for looking at the expressions on the faces of others to understand their emotions or for hearing a description of how others feel and having a rational response to it. This is intellectual empathy. They are less capable of imagining incidents happening to others and how those incidents would feel. Because of this, the impact of their actions on others does not generally play a role in their decision-making. 

Mask Slipping.  Narcissists have to put on a front that they view the world as everyone else does.  Although not all are self-aware, they are aware that not all of their actions would be viewed favorably. They have learned how to hide their true motives and feelings behind a “mask of sanity.” When cracks show the behaviors that are incongruent with their image, it is called “mask slippage.”

Narcissistic Injury.  This was at one time technical psychological jargon from Sigmund Freud to refer to a threat to or attack on the narcissist’s ego by someone else. The injury occurs due to a failure to reflect back the idealized image that the narcissist has of himself or herself. The term has now become a common one used in the online narcissistic abuse community to describe what happens when a person does something a narcissist perceives as criticism.

Narcissistic Rage.  Another technical term to describe the blind anger of the narcissist in response to a narcissistic injury that results in the mask slipping. In response to it, the narcissist may engage in a host of abusive behaviors designed to seek revenge on the person who caused the injury.

Object Constancy.  Narcissists have attachment issues. They cannot hold in their minds the idea that someone can have both positive qualities and negative ones at the same time, or that a person may be someone they like but can do things that they don’t like or agree with. This is called lacking “object constancy.”

Splitting.  Because of the lack of object constancy, narcissists “split” people.  When a person does what the narcissist wants– that is, providing high-quality narcissistic supply (see below–Roles of People)–they are perceived as “good.”  When he or she does something the narcissist doesn’t like– such as causing a narcissistic injury, merely by not living up to the narcissist’s high standards for reflecting back narcissistic supply– they are perceived as “bad.”  This is what often causes the dramatic shifts between idealization and devaluation of the partner by the narcissist (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

 Terms Describing Roles of People in the Narcissist’s Life 

Flying Monkeys.  All of the people (friends, family, exes and other admirers) in the narcissist’s “fan club” who do the bidding of the narcissist because they are blinded by his or her charms.

Golden Child.  In families where one of the parents is a narcissist and there are multiple children, the narcissistic parent may designate one child as the favorite, who becomes a reflection of the narcissist. The parent strips the child of an identity and makes him or her of an extension of the parent, praising him or her excessively for achievements the parent values and distorting failures as the fault of others– all of which stunts the emotional growth of the child. 

Harem.  The admirers and suppliers of narcissistic supply for the narcissist.  Can consist of current love interests, past love interests, people the narcissist flirts with, family members, friends, co-workers, or anyone that the narcissist keeps in his or her circle to tell him or her how great he or she is.  They all play different roles, and he or she may switch them out as favored or preferred members of the inner circle.  They also may fall from grace if they do not play their roles accordingly.

Narcissistic Supply.  The lifeblood for a narcissist, consisting of attention, adoration, admiration, and support required to bolster self-esteem and maintain his or her idea of him or herself as special and important.  Self-aware narcissist, H.G. Tudor calls this Fuel.

Scapegoat. In families where one of the parents is a narcissist and there are multiple children, family members may designate one child as the receptacle for the parent’s or the family’s dysfunction. The narcissistic parent may heap all of the responsibility, blame, or shame for anything that goes wrong within the family onto the child, and it may extend into neglect or abuse.

Terms Related to Narcissist Abuse Tactics

Ambient Abuse. This is an atmosphere created through persistent gaslighting, instability, covert manipulation, and other psychologically abusive tactics. It results in an erosion of the victim’s confidence and independence so that the abuser can control and exploit the victim.

Bait and Switch.  Victims don’t fall for narcissists because they are cruel in the beginning.  Narcissists first show them an intense amount of attention, affection and what feels like love before they begin to slowly reveal a side of themselves that is cold, inattentive and vicious, making it difficult for the victim to know what they should believe about how their partner feels about them and whether they should hold out for the narcissist to stop treating them unkindly. Also known as the “mean and sweet cycle” or the “nice and nasty cycle.”

Baiting.  A tactic used by the narcissist to intentionally provoke an emotional response from the victim, generally while feigning innocence.

Blameshifting. This is the act of avoiding responsibility for an act of wrongdoing by claiming that the act would not have occurred but for the actions of someone else (or something else, such as alcohol, youth, stress, or other external factor). 

Crazy-making.  A general term used to describe tactics used that over time cause self-doubt, confusion and that result in the victim questioning reality.  Examples of how it can occur are when the narcissist’s actions don’t match his or her words, when he or she gaslights or lies about his or her actions or what has been said, and when he or she refuses to discuss problems in the relationship in a constructive manner (see Word Salad below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

Dog whistling.  Another term for baiting, except narcissists often use this tactic in front of others to humiliate the victim or make him or her seem off-balance for the purposes of smearing the victim or preparing for a break-up.

Dosing.  The act of providing morsels of positive attention after the cruel phase has begun to keep the victim strung along.

Double standards.  Narcissists often have two sets of rules:  one for themselves and one for everyone else, as they think they are entitled to special treatment. They will often have high standards for honesty and fidelity among those they choose for partners but have no intentions of adhering to these standards themselves.

Ex-recycling.  Narcissists have a tendency to stalk and try to return to their former partners for attention and control. They also enjoy using former partners in other ways as well. If you do want to talk to them, they consider you to be still in love with them and they will use you to make their current partner(s) jealous.  If you don’t want to talk to them, you’re bitter, jealous or crazy and they will use you to make their current partner(s) feel sorry for them (see Triangulation below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

False flattery.  This is a form of love-bombing (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), in which a narcissist compliments another on whatever they think that person may be insecure about, in an effort to get him or her to return the compliments, as they love hearing about themselves.

Final discard.  Narcissists follow a relationship pattern (see idealize-devaluation-discard below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), but they often return and keep their ex-partner in a rotation for months or even years.  A final discard is the moment when some narcissists decide to leave the partner for good, sometimes in the most harmful way possible. Partners can never know if they have been subjected to a final discard, as narcissists may potentially return years or even decades later (see hoovering below–Abuse Tactics and Acts). Therefore, an argument can be made that the “final discard” is theoretical.

Future-faking.  Narcissists make grandiose promises about the life they plan to lead with a partner to fake intimacy and make them feel as if they are closer to the narcissist or more familiar with him or her than they actually are.

Gaslighting. A form of manipulation where the narcissist denies, provides conflicting information or outright lies over and over again in direct contradiction to what another person can blatantly perceive using his or her own five senses. The other person begins to doubt his or her perception of reality.  The term comes from a 1944 movie where a man purposely tries to drive his wife insane by making the gaslights flicker, then telling her that she is imagining it when she points it out.

Grooming. The process of slowly mixing negative behavior in with positive behavior in a relationship in order to wear down a partner’s boundaries so he or she will accept abusive treatment. It’s the “boiling the frog” metaphor, where the heat is turned up slowly and the frog doesn’t know it’s being boiled until it’s too late.

Hoovering.  A “hoover,” named after a brand of vacuum cleaner, is a tactic meant to “suck” a partner back into the relationship.  It happens after a period of silence during which the partner and the narcissist are not in contact with each other.  What characterizes this type of contact after a break-up with a narcissist is that it is insincere; no change in behavior will have occurred if the partners reunite.

Idealize – Devaluation – Discard. Considered the cycle of abuse in narcissistic relationships, in the idealization stage at the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist puts his or her partner on a pedestal and showers them with excessive praise and attention. At some point, the narcissist will begin to see his or her partner as flawed or even grow bored and the devaluation phase begins. Many tactics characterize this phase, such as verbal abuse (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), withholding, humiliation, and smearing (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts). Finally, when the narcissist no longer sees any value in the partner, perhaps if the partner has reacted in a way that the narcissist perceives negatively, such as demanding respect, the narcissist may discard the partner. The cycle often repeats many times before the relationship ends.

Intermittent Reinforcement. This is a pattern of behavior in which the narcissist randomly intersperses kindness between acts of cruelty. Psychological research demonstrates this is an especially powerful tactic. Because the partner never knows when the narcissist will show kindness, the randomness of the benevolence is one of the most critical forces that keep him or her tied to the relationship, hoping each time that the cruelty has come to an end for good.

Love-Bombing.  A period of intense positive attention from the narcissist that can include excessive flattery and declarations of love, mirroring (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), future-faking (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), gifts, sex, domination of the partner’s time, and fast-tracking the relationship. The result of these actions is an intense bond, where the partner becomes very vulnerable to, trusting of and dependent on the narcissist.

Mirroring.  This is one of the tactics used during the love-bombing that takes place in the beginning of the relationship.  It can be physical when the narcissist mimics the partner’s body language, behaviors, and actions.  It can also occur when the narcissist claims to enjoy the same activities or to have had similar experiences to make it appear as if the two have a lot in common.

Pathological lying. Lying that is done compulsively out of habit. It may not always seem to personally benefit the liar. It is known to be a common characteristic of many narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.  Sometimes, it is thought that they may engage in the lying for control or even enjoyment, in what is known as “duper’s delight.”

Projection. This is a defense mechanism narcissists commonly use to avoid their own feelings of shame caused by their negative behaviors. It occurs when they accuse partners of the things they themselves have done.

Silent Treatment. A period of non-responsiveness in which the narcissist disappears and treats the partner as if he or she doesn’t exist. The narcissist implements it as a form of punishment if a partner engages in a behavior that the narcissist doesn’t like.

Smear Campaign. To guard against exposure, prepare for their exit from the relationship, or gain sympathy from others, narcissists may spread gossip or tell half-truths or outright lies about their partners behind their backs.

Stonewalling. Refusal to engage in a conversation or provide information or other resources as a form of punishment for bringing up topics that a narcissist doesn’t like.

Triangulation. The act of using a third party in a conflict to make the narcissist appear in high demand, to manufacture emotions, or to gain further narcissistic supply (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

Verbal Abuse. Using namecalling, putdowns, or humiliation to weaken the self-esteem of the partner.

Victim-Blaming. The act of blaming or partially blaming the victim for the act of harm that has befallen him or her. Narcissists often use blameshifting statements to avoid taking responsibility for their abuse, such as stating that their partner was not caring or understanding enough, or was critical or reacted in a certain way, or left or did not give him or her a chance to change.  

Victim card. This is a name for a tactic narcissists use when they attempt to gain sympathy from others with the ultimate ulterior motive of excusing their abusive behavior. They may blame it on something negative in their past, a “bad childhood,” a broken heart, a lost love, a father that was never there or something else or all of the above.

Word Salad.  Circular language tactics narcissists use to ensure that conversations with others never have satisfactory resolutions for the other party; can include projection (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), stonewalling (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), blameshifting (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), sympathy ploys, bringing up something the partner did, bringing up unrelated issues, starting the conversation over, and others.

Terms Used to Explain Coercive Control or Mind Control 

BITE model:  A model developed by cult expert Steven Hassan to explain mind control, it consists of the four components necessary for successful mind control in order to effectively resolve cognitive dissonance: Behavioral Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotion Control.

Brainwashing:  A term used to explain the most repressive forms of mind control in which individuals know they are under a coercive influence. Because of this, they may be subjected to the most overt and some of the most physically harsh methods of thought reform, such as totalitarian societies and prisoners of war.

Coercive Control:  A term for excessive monitoring and covert or overt dominance over one or more areas of a partner’s life, such as finances, career, friendships, clothing choices, hobbies, medical care, food choices and eating habits, or other. It usually begins as concern for the partner, starts slowly, and can be subtle.  It can be cloaked by and hidden in many seemingly loving behaviors at first, such as criticizing in an off-handed way the partner’s body, clothing, accomplishments or friends; invading privacy by reading private messages or listening in on phone calls; accusing the partner of cheating when no evidence exists; insisting the partner remain in constant contact; and making it very unpleasant for the partner to do things that don’t involve the abuser.  The results of these behaviors are to lower the self-esteem of the partner and to isolate him or her from others and give the narcissist more control.

Cult:  A group in which members express very strong or absolute devotion to an idea or a person, deceptive practices were used to recruit members into the group, and a leader or leaders exploit and manipulate the devotion of the group members to their own detriment. A cult can have as few as two people or as many as thousands, and they can be religious, political, business-oriented, 

Dual Identity:  After a person has been in a repressive environment that restricts his or her thoughts and actions, including a relationship with a low-conscience individual, he or she may develop dual thoughts and motivations. This dual identity is a survival mechanism that emerges to avoid being absorbed by the partner and protect the “authentic self,” while also resolving cognitive dissonance and avoiding further punishment. The authentic self recognizes the partner’s behavior as abusive, but the “false self” has adapted to the abuse and manipulation.     

Hypnosis: A trance state in which a person’s mental focus turns inward and he or she disconnects from the external environment.  This results in the body being able to perform acts without mental attention. 

Mind Control:  The use of tactics or behaviors to influence a person’s autonomy and identity. They may be forcible or deceptive, known or subtle. The goal is to replace the person’s authentic self with a different identity that will act in ways that serve the interests of the controller. The mind control is usually not total when the environment is non-immersive, thus the dual identity emerges (See Dual Identity above).

Undue Influence: A form of mind control in which deceptive tactics were used to convince a person to put themselves in a position to make themselves vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation.

Terms Used to Explain the Effects of the Abuse on the Victim

Abuse Amnesia. A specific form of denial in which the partner of an abuser suppresses the awareness of the abuse he or she has endured in order to carry on the relationship. This is partially a result of cognitive dissonance (see below–Effects), and the fact that the first idea that was formed is the most resistant to change.

Chemical Bond. The brain chemicals of the partners of the narcissists become dysregulated and synced up with the cycle of abuse, releasing dopamine and oxytocin from the reward centers of the brain when the narcissist lovebombs (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts) the partner and Cortisol and norepinephrine during stressful times when the narcissist disappears during silent treatments (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts) causing immense pain. This creates a chemical addiction to the narcissist that is difficult to overcome.

Cognitive Dissonance. The uncomfortable feeling of anxiety from holding two beliefs that contradict one another. A person cannot hold both in the mind for very long without finding some way to rationalize or discredit one of them.

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). A variation of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in which chronic traumatization occurs from living a long-term traumatic situation rather than one event or short-term situation or in which multiple traumatic events occur. Examples include child abuse, domestic violence, or being a prisoner of war. Those with the condition typically have issues with emotion regulation and self-perception.

Dissociation. The state of feeling disconnected to what is happening around oneself, as if it has an unreal quality to it or is happening to someone else.

FOG. The mental state of confusion generated by the psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by narcissists. It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the manufactured emotions that narcissists use to try to keep their partners bound to them.

Identity Erosion. During all stages of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, narcissistic abusers use emotional control, behavioral control, information control and thought control (See BITE MODEL above) to reward and punish their partners. As a result, the partner adopts a perspective that identifies and protects the partner and his or her personality changes. This identity erosion is not “total,” and in other contexts is referred to as a “dual identity” (see above) or “doubling” because partners may often feel as if they are in conflict with themselves over their own desires.

Learned Helplessness. A psychological mindset the partner of a narcissist may develop in which he or she feels powerless to leave or escape the relationship despite having a desire to be free of it. It generally results from traumatic or ineffective attempts to leave due to the response by the narcissist. When the narcissist repeatedly draws the partner back into the cycle despite his or her desire to leave, the partner begins to feel as if he or she has no control to change the situation.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A state of extreme anxiety that activates a person’s “fight or flight” response in the brain on a consistent basis. It is so encompassing that a person’s thoughts, emotions, and beliefs about the world are all affected.  A single traumatic incident or an event with a time-limited duration, such as an accident, natural disaster, sexual assault, or tour of duty, is usually the cause.

Reactive Abuse. This is the term for what can occur if the abuser torments or intentionally baits the victim through manufactured emotions, triangulation (see above–Abuse Tactics and Acts) or other tactics into responding. Although the abuser has purposely generated an abusive atmosphere of power and control over the partner from the beginning, when he or she eventually gets a reaction from his or her partner, the narcissist can then use it to justify his or her abuse or claim victimhood and gain further sympathy or narcissistic supply elsewhere.

Stockholm Syndrome.  A phenomenon in which victims of trauma who are subject to horrific conditions or threats to their safety identify with their tormentors due to moments of kindness that they experience from them. Those moments of humanity enable them to develop positive feelings toward the tormentors as an unconscious defense mechanism to survive the trauma.

Trauma Bond. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in an abusive relationship, the abused partner may develop a loyalty to the abuser and suppress memories of their negative treatment in order to view him or her in the most positive light.  

Walking on Eggshells. This is a metaphorical term for the emotional anxiety the partner of an abuser can feel from not knowing what might set off an emotional tirade from a narcissist. The partner starts to watch everything he or she says or does and curb his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the abuser.

Terms Used to Discuss Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Closure. Narcissistic relationships rarely have the same kind of closure as ordinary relationships because both partners do not share the same narrative of the relationship. Because the relationship was characterized by deception and psychological manipulation, the partner of the narcissist will never have the answers, apologies, or good-byes from the narcissist that would provide peaceful closure because the narcissist is incapable of providing them. The partner must seek his or her own closure by understanding the nature of narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

Fog lifting.  The feeling of being able to think more clearly about the relationship once the partner of a narcissist institutes no-contact (see below–Healing). Over a period of days and weeks, partners tend to notice confusion and anxiety draining away as a function of the deprogramming from the psychological abuse.

Grey Rock. A modified form of no-contact (see below–Healing) in which the partner remains in technical contact with the narcissist out of necessity, however, has emotionally detached from him or her. The contact occurs only when absolutely necessary, is devoid of emotion, and does not provide the narcissist with any information beyond what is essential to convey.

No-Contact. A deliberate physical and psychological act by the partner of a narcissist to remove the narcissist from the life of the partner that includes taking steps in the material world to ensure that no contact can be made, and mentally preparing psychologically for not interacting with the narcissist again.

1 A more thorough explanation of these three terms and the similarities and differences among them can be found in the articles Narcissist or Sociopath: What’s the Difference? and in 9 Types of Narcissists: The Ultimate Guide. 

First Published 7/9/2018

Updated 4/12/2022

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The post Your Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Maybe the relationship had been slowly fading into a painful, confusing reality for a long time. Inevitably, however, there came a time for all of us when we realized that something is just not right. Our partners seem to be lacking something crucial.

It’s as if they knew their actions would cause us pain but did it anyway. The behavior may even seem premeditated or intentional, as if they enjoy the idea that they are hurting us.

Yet it’s their indifference to our pain when confronted that can be especially difficult to explain.

Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Confront the Pathological

We know intuitively that people have lapses in judgment and make mistakes. We all sometimes make spontaneous, irrational, or emotional decisions and later wish that we had thought through them a little longer.

Dr. Martha Stout, who wrote The Sociopath Next Door, writes, “Even a normal person’s conscience does not operate on the same level all of the time. One of the simplest reasons for this changeability is the fundamental circumstances of living inside a fallible, need-driven human body. When our bodies are exhausted, sick, or injured, all of our emotional functions, including conscience, can be temporarily compromised.”

When we have disregarded our own standards for how we treat others, we usually feel guilty about what we’ve done. Yet our partner’s destructive actions seem to lack reflection and remorse.

We know instinctively that someone who has declared their undying love cannot possibly do the things they have done to us. It’s the stark callousness with which they treat us leads us to recognize that something is wrong.

When we do, the unique method of abuse that narcissists use to abuse their partners really kicks in. Through a blitzkrieg of manipulative tactics, we eventually accept what they say to make their behavior fit the paradigm that “everyone does hurtful things they regret.” They convince us of two things:

• There was a reason why they did what they did
• They care when we’ve been hurt by their actions

The “reasons” for their behavior are often straightforward at first. They claim they made a mistake, and may fake empathy and remorse to convince us that it’s not going to happen again.

Facing the Reality

As the behavior continues, however, the “reasons” shift to those outside that normal framework of human behavior. 

It never happened.  Or we are exaggerating and what they did isn’t a big deal.  Or it’s our fault and we deserved it.

In short, they manipulate us into believing they have a conscience and that it’s our perceptions of their behavior that are wrong. [Read “How Narcissists Play Mind Games to Make You Think the Problem is You“]

Confusion sets in and we put ourselves through a nonstop internal inquisition:

• What’s wrong with my partner?
• Is my partner “good” or “bad?”
• What if the problem is really me?
• Does my partner intend to hurt me?
• Can my partner change?

When we accept their “reasons,” we lose ourselves and that initial judgment we made about what they’ve done. These questions chain us to our partners, as we swing between accepting their verbal explanations and knowing through some deeply buried part of ourselves that their behavior isn’t normal. [Read “The 5 Stages of No Contact with a Narcissist“]

Stopping these questions in their tracks can seem impossible, but it is very possible. My book, Why Can’t I Just Leave, takes you step-by-step through the path that got you here and helps lead you straight to the exit. Click here to read a free preview.

To break free of their hold over us, we must recognize which questions are worth answering, find the true answers for the questions that are worthwhile, and recognize that the sole reason they do the things they do is that they want to and they are not limited by a conscience. [Read “7 Things that Supercharge Narcissistic Abuse Recovery”]

References

Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door (New York: Harmony Books, 2005), 52–3.

The post Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Must Stop with the Questions appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Finally, you’ll find a list of websites and phone numbers belonging to foundations and agencies to which you can reach out for assistance.

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Books on Narcissistic Abuse

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Domestic Abuse Resources and Organizations

U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline
For any victims and survivors who need support, call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-799-7233 for TTY, or if you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522.

U.K. National Domestic Violence Hotline – 0808 2000 247

Canada – Go to this website to find resources within your province: https://www.sheltersafe.ca/

Australia Domestic Violence Hotline – 1800 737 732 – https://www.1800respect.org.au/ (live chat 24/7)

South Africa Stop Gender Violence Helpline – 0800-150-150

Other Crisis Websites & Hotlines

U.S. Crisis Text Number:  #741741

Canada Crisis Text Number: #686868 

Disaster Distress Hotline offered by SAMSHA – Call 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746.The Disaster Distress Helpline (DDH) provides crisis counseling and support for anyone in the U.S. experiencing distress or other behavioral health concerns related to any natural or human-caused disaster, including public health emergencies.

The Trevor Project – Call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678. A national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth.

Trans Lifeline – Dial 877-565-8860 for US and 877-330-6366 for Canada. Trans Lifeline’s Hotline is a peer support service run by trans people, for trans and questioning callers.

The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline – Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Updated  12/5/2021

The post Resources and Books on Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

This is a list created by survivors for survivors — I’ve added many songs over the years as readers have written to me and asked me to add them.  They go all the way back to the 1970s and cover all decades in between up to the music of today.  The genres span pop, country, hip-hop, electronic, and hard rock.  Below each song title, I’ve added a few of the lyrics.

I encourage you to try out each song on the list to see what might resonate with you, even if some don’t tend to come from your favorite genres (unless of course a song is triggering or holds difficult memories for you).

There are two ways to listen. 

1. Click on the title of an individual song on this page to listen to them one at a time in any order.
2. Click on the link at the bottom of the page to listen to or save the entire playlist.    

NOTE:  This is a NSFW playlist!  There are some explicit lyrics in some of these songs and some of the videos are also not for general audiences. If you find any of the lyrics offensive or they do not fit your situation, please skip them. I’ve noted with a * the songs with explicit lyrics.

Also, if the genders of the singer or the pronouns in the song don’t apply to your situation, it is always worthwhile simply to do a thought exercise and substitute where appropriate.

Want to learn about the five stages of leaving a narcissist? See the end of this post for information about how to read a free preview of my book, which including the first chapter and the pathological love relationship checklist.

Recovery Songs for Abuse

Praying by Kesha 

“Well, you almost had me fooled/Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done/I can thank you for how strong I have become

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell/I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell/I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

*Be Careful by Cardi B

“Man, I thought you would’ve learned your lesson/ ‘Bout likin’ pictures, not returnin’ texts
I guess it’s fine, man, I get the message/You still stutter after certain questions
You keep in contact with certain exes

Do you, though, trust me, ***** it’s cool, though/Said that you was workin’, but you’re out here chasin’ culo
And putas, chillin’ poolside, livin’ two lives/I could’ve did what you did to me to you a few times”

Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce

“There was a time I thought that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong/Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you 
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Hush Hush by Pussycat Dolls

“I never needed you to be strong/I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain/My love for you was strong enough, you should have known

Same Old Love by Selena Gomez

“Take away your things and go/You can’t take back what you said, I know
I’ve heard it all before, at least a million times/I’m not one to forget, you know

Fighter by Christina Aguilera

“Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing/Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I’d realize your game
I heard you’re goin’ round playin’, the victim now/But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame

‘Cause you dug your own grave

I’m Still Standing by Elton John

“Once I never could hope to win/You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down/And if our love was just a circus you’d be a clown by now

Take a Bow by Rihanna

“You look so dumb right now/Standin’ outside my house
Tryin’ to apologize/You’re so ugly when you cry
Please
Just cut it out

*I Don’t F*ck With You by Big Sean

“I heard you got a new man, I see you takin’ a pic/Then you post it up, thinkin’ that it’s makin’ me sick
I see you calling, I be makin’ it quick/I’mma answer that shit like “I don’t f*ck with you
Bitch, I got no feelings to go/I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go”

You’ll See by Madonna

“You think that I can’t live without your love/You’ll see
You think I can’t go on another day

You think I have nothing/Without you by my side
You’ll see/Somehow, some way

*F*cking Perfect by P!nk

“Made a wrong turn, once or twice/Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright/Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood/Miss “No way, it’s all good”, it didn’t slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated/Look, I’m still around”

Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence

“Couldn’t take the blame, sick with shame/Must be exhausting to lose your own game, selfishly hated
No wonder you’re jaded/You can’t play the victim this time
And you’re too late

Don’t cry to me, if you loved me/You would be here with me

Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

“How can I put it? You put me on/I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah/Since you been gone

How come I’d never hear you say/”I just wanna be with you”?
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone/I can breathe for the first time
I’m so movin’ on, yeah, yeah/Thanks to you
Now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone”

I Don’t Care Anymore by Phil Collins

“Well you can tell everyone I’m a down disgrace/Drag my name all over the place
I don’t care anymore

You can tell everybody ’bout the state I’m in/You won’t catch me crying ’cause I just can’t win
I don’t care anymore, I don’t care anymore

I don’t care what you say/I don’t play the same games you play”

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

“I hear you’re asking all around/If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong/To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live, half alive/And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?/Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts/And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold/From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me/Who do you think you are?”

Titanium by Sia and David Guetta

“Cut me down/But it’s you who has further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love

Survivor by Destiny’s Child

“Now that you’re outta my life, I’m so much better
You thought that I’d be weak without ya, but I’m stronger
You thought that I’d be broke without ya, but I’m richer
You thought that I’d be sad without ya, I love harder

You thought I wouldn’t grow without ya, now I’m wiser!
You thought that I’d be helpless without ya but I’m smarter
You thought that I’d be stressed without ya, but I’m chillin’
You thought I wouldn’t sell without ya, sold nine million”

Warrior by Demi Lavato

“There’s a part of me I can’t get back/A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I’ll never be the same
Now I’m taking back my life today/Nothing left that you can say
‘Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I’m a warrior/I’ve got thicker skin
I’m a warrior/I’m stronger than I’ve ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can’t get in
I’m a warrior/And you can never hurt me again”

Cold-Hearted by Paula Abdul

“It was only late last night he was out there sneakin’
Then he called you up to check that you were waiting by the phone
All the world’s a candy store/He’s been trick or treatin’
When it comes to true love girl with him there’s no one home”

Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift

“I don’t like your little games/Don’t like your tilted stage
The role you made me play/Of the fool, no, I don’t like you

I don’t like your perfect crime/How you laugh when you lie
You said the gun was mine/Isn’t cool, no, I don’t like you

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time/Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined/I check it once, then I check it twice”

Brand New Me by Alicia Keys

“It’s been a while, I’m not who I was before/You look surprised, your words don’t burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it’s clear to see/Don’t be mad, it’s just the brand new kind of me
Can’t be bad, I found a brand new kind of free”

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift

“I’m really gonna miss you picking fights/And me, falling for it screaming that I’m right
And you, would hide away and find your peace of mind/With some indie record that’s much cooler than mine

You called me up again tonight/But this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you

We are never ever, ever getting back together”

You’re So Vain by Carly Simon

“Oh, you had me several years ago/When I was still quite naive
When you said that we made such a pretty pair/And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved/And one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee

And you’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you”

*Sorry by Beyonce

“Sorry, I ain’t sorry/No no, hell nah

Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake

“You don’t have to say, what you did/I already know, I found out from him
Now there’s just no chance/With you and me
There’ll never be/Don’t it make you sad about it?

You told me you love me/Why did you leave me all alone
Now you tell me you need me/When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse/You must have me confused with some other guy
The bridges were burned/Now it’s your turn, to cry

Cry me a river”

Bad Blood by Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar

“‘Baby, now we’ve got bad blood/You know it used to be mad love
So take a look what you’ve done/’Cause, baby, now we’ve got bad blood

Now we’ve got problems/And I don’t think we can solve ’em
You made a really deep cut/And, baby, now we’ve got bad blood

Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes/You say sorry just for show
If you live like that, you live with ghosts/If you love like that, blood runs cold”

Narcissus by Alanis Morissette

“Dear momma’s boy
I know you’ve had your butt licked by your mother/I know you’ve enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after

Dear narcissus boy
I know you’ve never really apologized for anything/I know you’ve never really taken responsibility
I know you’ve never really listened to a woman”

Set Fire to the Rain by Adele

“But there’s a side to you/That I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say/They were never true, never true
And the games you play/You would always win, always win”

Liar by Henry Rollins

“you meet me/and your whole world changes
because everything I say is everything you’ve ever wanted to hear
so you drop all your defenses and you drop all your fears and you trust me completely

I’m perfect in every way cause I make you feel so strong and so powerful inside
you feel so lucky 
but your ego obscures reality and you never bother to wonder why things are going so well

you want to know why?
cause I’m a liar, yeah I’m a liar
I’ll tear your mind out/I’ll burn your soul/I’ll turn you into me/I’ll turn you into me
cause I’m a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar

I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes and I’ll tell you things that you already know
so you can say, I really identify with you, so much
and all the time that you’re needing me
is just the time that I’m bleeding you”

Mean by Taylor Swift

“You, with your switching sides/And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again/As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down/Try to block you out ’cause I never impress you
I just want to feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around/Somebody made you cold but the cycle ends right now
‘Cause you can’t lead me down that road/And you don’t know what you don’t know”

I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified/Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong/And I learned how to get along

And so you’re back/From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

If I’d known for just one second you’d be back to bother me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now/’Cause you’re not welcome anymore”

The Power of Goodbye by Madonna

“Your heart is not open so I must go/The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go/Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn/I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something’s wrong/I pray to God that it won’t be long”

I’m Movin On by Rascal Flatts

“I’ve dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons/Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on”

Rolling in the Deep by Adele

“The scars of your love remind me of us (you’re gonna wish you never had met me)
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all (you’re gonna wish you never had met me)

Rolling in the deep (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand (you’re gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)”

Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

“Now and then I think of when we were together/Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me/But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember”

Leave (Get Out) by JoJo

“Tell me why you’re looking so confused/When I’m the one who didn’t know the truth
How could you ever be so cold/To go behind my back and call my friend

Boy you must have gone and bumped your head/Because you left her number on your phone
So now after all is said and done/Maybe I’m the one to blame
But to think that you could be the one/Well it didn’t work out that way

Get out, right now/It’s the end of you and me
It’s too late and I can’t wait/For you to be gone cause I know about her
And I wonder how I bought all the lies
You said that you would treat me right/But you was just a waste of time”

*F*uck You by CeeLo Green

“I see you driving ’round town/With the girl I love and I’m like,
F*ck you!
I guess the change in my pocket/Wasn’t enough I’m like,
F*ck you and f*ck her too!”

*You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

“You seem very well, things look peaceful/I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?/I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face/How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you f*ck her?

‘Cause the love that you gave that we made/Wasn’t able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name/Does she know how you told me
You’d hold me until you died/’Til you died, but you’re still alive”

*Needed Me by Rihanna

“You needed me/To feel a little more, and give a little less
Know you hate to confess/But baby ooh, you needed me”

I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

“Well I won’t back down/No I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

No I’ll stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground/And I won’t back down”

Love Yourself by Justin Bieber

“If you like the way you look that much/Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I’m still holdin’ on to somethin’/You should go and love yourself

When you told me that you hated my friends/The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong/And tried to make me forget where I came from”

Just a Creep by Dum Dum Girls

“You come creepin’/Actin’ like a fiend
But I’ve been warned/Your deceit knows no end

But you act so sweet/And you don’t cut deep
You’re just a little creep

It upset me/To learn you act this way
Poor thing it must be hard/To be yourself each day”

Bed of Lies by Nicki Minaj and Skylar Grey

“Do you ever think of me when you lie?/Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies
And I knew better than to look in your eyes/They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe/You had me caught in every web that you weaved
But do you ever think of me when you lie?/Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies”

 *Fire Burns by Nicki Minaj

“You shoulda left, the other day/You let me beg, for you to stay
This is a sickening joke that you play with my emotions/And so I pray you burn in hell and you never find the ocean

I hope your fire, fire burns baby/I hope your fire, fire burns baby
I hope you lay down in your sleep and you choke on every lie you told
And when you’re reaching out for me you’ll see you reap everything you sow”

You Don’t Do It for Me Anymore by Demi Lovato

“I see the future without you/The hell was I doing in the past?
Now that I’ve learned all about you/A love just like ours wouldn’t last

I won’t fall for your games/So don’t hate me when I say

That you don’t do it for me anymore”

Don’t Kill My Vibe by Sigrid

“You think you’re so important to me, don’t you?
But I wanted you to know that you don’t belong here
You think you’re so important to me, don’t you?
Don’t kill my vibe

You love to tear me down, you pick me apart
Then build me up like I depend on you
But I throw myself from heights that used to scare me
Guess you’re surprised I’m the puzzle you can’t figure out”

The Breakup Song by Francesca Battistelli

“I’ve gone through the motions/I’ve been back and forth
I know that you’re thinking you’ve heard this before
I don’t know how to say it/So I’m just gonna say it

Fear, you don’t own me/There ain’t no room in this story
And I ain’t got time for you/Telling me what I’m not
Like you know me well guess what?

I know who I am/I know I’m strong
And I am free/Got my own identity
So fear, you will never be welcome here

Take a minute, let it settle in
You probably never saw it coming
Something’s gotta give so I give up you”

Don’t Call Me Up by Mabel

“I’m over you and I don’t need your lies no more/Cause the truth is, without you, boy, I’m stronger
And I know it’s sad that I changed, have a cold heart/But it was your game that left scars
Ooh, I’m over you

Don’t call me up/I’m going out tonight
Feeling good now you’re outta my life/Don’t wanna talk about us
Gotta leave it behind/One drink and you’re outta my mind
Now, now take it up/Baby, I’m on a high
You’re alone, going out of your mind/But I’m here up in the club
And I don’t wanna talk/So don’t call me up”

Gratitude by VNV Nation

“Thank you for all the doubts, and for all the questioning
For all the loneliness and for all the suffering.
For all the emptiness, and the scars it left inside.
It inspired in me, an impetus to fight.

To all who stood with me, when we stood as one.
Thank you for guiding me, for bringing me home.
And if it seems that I’m obliged to say these words
I write this in gratitude, the least that you deserve.”

Now That You’re Gone by Sheryl Crow

“‘Cause now that you’re gone/I can breathe
Now that you’re gone/I am free
Free to make a mess of everything/’Cause nothing belongs to me
Now that you’re gone/I can breathe”

It Don’t Hurt by Sheryl Crow

“It don’t hurt like it did/I can sing my song again
It don’t hurt like it did/I can sing my song again.

I scraped the paper off the wall/I put down carpet in the hall
I left no trace of you at all/And I can sing my song again”

If you’d like to hear or save the entire playlist, here’s the link:  

Songs About Narcissism: A Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Playlist (YouTube), Fairy Tale Shadows Channel

Please note that everyone’s experience is different and it’s not possible to predict what memories someone will attach to a particular song.

If you have ideas about other songs that should be on this list, leave a comment or send me an email and I’ll review the song.

I’d rather not add songs that describe only what it’s like to be in the heights of love with them or the throes of despair unless it’s also accompanied by an empowering message.

Also, let’s avoid any obvious songs that might send anyone back into the arms of a narcissist or spiraling into depression. They make good choices for showing others what narcissistic abuse is like, but not for recovering from the relationship.  Thank you!

Thank you to all of you who have sent E-mail about adding songs to the playlist!  

You may also enjoy…

Films About Narcissists

The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Want to learn about the five stages of leaving a narcissist?

Why Can’t I Just Leave? takes you step-by-step through the path of how you got here and helps lead you straight to the exit.

Click here to read a free preview

This isn’t your typical survivor recovery book. When you read it, you’ll learn about:

• What over 600 survivors said about their experiences and how they left their relationships

• 75 signs that you’re in a pathological love relationship

• What makes narcissistic abuse unique

• The most damaging effect of narcissistic abuse

• Why we change while we’re in the relationship

• The five stages of breaking up with a pathological partner

• Pop culture and celebrity examples of narcissistic abuse

• My personal story

Years in the making, this book creates a bridge between the first-hand knowledge of narcissistic abuse by survivors with lived experience and the social psychological research on the interpersonal and group dynamics of high-control relationships.

The heart of the book is explaining why we do things in these relationships we don’t understand and how we can stop. 

Available in ebook, paperback, and hardback!

 

If you’d like to read a free preview, which includes the first chapter and the pathological love relationship checklist, click on this link.

The post Songs About Narcissism: Your Abuse Recovery Playlist appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Many of the terms are used and explained using personal stories of survivors and the most up-to-date research in my book Why Can’t I Just Leave? You can read the first chapter for free right now here: 

 You can read the first chapter for free right now by clicking here

This comprehensive dictionary is a living document and is updated periodically to reflect emerging research and the growing use of terminology for defining narcissism, narcissists, pathological love relationships, coercive control, and narcissistic abuse. is divided into the following sections:

• Diagnostic Terms Related to Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
• Terms Used to Explain the Narcissist’s Behavior
• Terms Describing Roles of People in the Narcissist’s Life
• Terms Related to Narcissistic Abuse Tactics
• Terms Related to Coercive Control and Mind Control
• Terms Used to Describe Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Diagnostic Terms for Defining Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse 

Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD):  A type of personality disorder in which an individual shows a strong disregard for norms, morals and the law, or the rights and safety of others.  People with the disorder show a willingness to manipulate and exploit others. They also have a lack of empathy and may engage in impulsive, irresponsible behavior to serve their own ends. They are unconcerned with what others think and can be aggressive and hostile.

Covert Narcissist:  A narcissist who is able to hide his or her more obvious narcissism and feelings of entitlement and superiority. He or she is not likely to display the typical symptoms of classic narcissism such as grandiosity and attention-seeking.

Dark Tetrad:  Four personality traits that are correlated with criminal and antisocial behavior:  narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism.  Although social research demonstrates that each of the four has distinct qualities, they also have some overlapping characteristics, including a lack of empathy and remorselessness and a willingness to exploit and manipulate.   

Ego-Syntonic/Ego-Dystonic:  When a disorder produces behaviors or attitudes that are compatible with a person’s self-image, they are ego-syntonic. Most personality disorders are considered ego-syntonic, as the individuals with the disorders do not see their actions or attitudes as problematic. Disorders that produce attitudes or behaviors that do not align with a person’s self-image are ego-dystonic. Depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder are two examples.

Emotional Abuse/Psychological Abuse:  Acts of verbal aggression or non-physical hostility that result over time in the loss of the target’s self-esteem (emotional) or ability to trust one’s own mental thought processes (psychological).

Malignant Narcissist:  A special sub-type of narcissist that has also some traits of ASPD, such as aggressiveness, deceitfulness, and remorselessness. They are often sadistic and gain pleasure from hurting others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  A type of personality disorder in which a person has grandiose fantasies of success and power with few or no achievements behind the fantasies. People with the disorder are constantly comparing themselves to others and feeling envious. They may also feel others are envious of them. They believe they are unique and entitled to special treatment, admiration, and obedience. In addition, they lack emotional empathy and have a willingness to exploit others for their own benefit.

Neurotypical. A term once used to describe individuals who were not on the autism spectrum, it is now used as a term to contrast individuals who do not have a particular mental or behavioral disorder with those who do.

Overt Narcissist. A “garden-variety” or typical narcissist whose emotional displays, grandiosity and feelings of entitlement and superiority are on obvious display to others.

Pathological Love Relationship: A relationship in which a person experiences “inevitable harm” as a result of their partner’s low-conscience disorder.

Psychopath/Sociopath.  Considered to be sub-types of ASPD where the criteria must include disregard of laws and norms. Their meanings have changed over time and are used inconsistently. Only the term “psychopath” has been recognized in the DSM-5, and it is not an official diagnosis. Some researchers believe that a psychopath is more biologically-determined and a person’s environment is more responsible for producing a sociopath. Still others believe that there are differences between the two in how they behave. For example, they believe that a psychopath is more calculating and a sociopath acts more spontaneously. Finally, still other researchers believe that there is no difference– they are two terms applied to the same group of people with little evidence to support that there is an actual distinction in cause or behavior. The main features that both terms share that are relevant to narcissistic abuse are the lack of a conscience or remorse and the ability to manipulate and deceive.¹  

 Terms Used to Explain the Narcissist’s Behavior

Emotional empathy/Intellectual empathy.  Narcissists have the capacity for looking at the expressions on the faces of others to understand their emotions or for hearing a description of how others feel and having a rational response to it. This is intellectual empathy. They are less capable of imagining incidents happening to others and how those incidents would feel. Because of this, the impact of their actions on others does not generally play a role in their decision-making. 

Mask Slipping.  Narcissists have to put on a front that they view the world as everyone else does.  Although not all are self-aware, they are aware that not all of their actions would be viewed favorably. They have learned how to hide their true motives and feelings behind a “mask of sanity.” When cracks show the behaviors that are incongruent with their image, it is called “mask slippage.”

Narcissistic Injury.  This was at one time technical psychological jargon from Sigmund Freud to refer to a threat to or attack on the narcissist’s ego by someone else. The injury occurs due to a failure to reflect back the idealized image that the narcissist has of himself or herself. The term has now become a common one used in the online narcissistic abuse community to describe what happens when a person does something a narcissist perceives as criticism.

Narcissistic Rage.  Another technical term to describe the blind anger of the narcissist in response to a narcissistic injury that results in the mask slipping. In response to it, the narcissist may engage in a host of abusive behaviors designed to seek revenge on the person who caused the injury.

Object Constancy.  Narcissists have attachment issues. They cannot hold in their minds the idea that someone can have both positive qualities and negative ones at the same time, or that a person may be someone they like but can do things that they don’t like or agree with. This is called lacking “object constancy.”

Splitting.  Because of the lack of object constancy, narcissists “split” people.  When a person does what the narcissist wants– that is, providing high-quality narcissistic supply (see below–Roles of People)–they are perceived as “good.”  When he or she does something the narcissist doesn’t like– such as causing a narcissistic injury, merely by not living up to the narcissist’s high standards for reflecting back narcissistic supply– they are perceived as “bad.”  This is what often causes the dramatic shifts between idealization and devaluation of the partner by the narcissist (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

 Terms Describing Roles of People in the Narcissist’s Life 

Flying Monkeys.  All of the people (friends, family, exes and other admirers) in the narcissist’s “fan club” who do the bidding of the narcissist because they are blinded by his or her charms.

Golden Child.  In families where one of the parents is a narcissist and there are multiple children, the narcissistic parent may designate one child as the favorite, who becomes a reflection of the narcissist. The parent strips the child of an identity and makes him or her of an extension of the parent, praising him or her excessively for achievements the parent values and distorting failures as the fault of others– all of which stunts the emotional growth of the child. 

Harem.  The admirers and suppliers of narcissistic supply for the narcissist.  Can consist of current love interests, past love interests, people the narcissist flirts with, family members, friends, co-workers, or anyone that the narcissist keeps in his or her circle to tell him or her how great he or she is.  They all play different roles, and he or she may switch them out as favored or preferred members of the inner circle.  They also may fall from grace if they do not play their roles accordingly.

Narcissistic Supply.  The lifeblood for a narcissist, consisting of attention, adoration, admiration, and support required to bolster self-esteem and maintain his or her idea of him or herself as special and important.  Self-aware narcissist, H.G. Tudor calls this Fuel.

Scapegoat. In families where one of the parents is a narcissist and there are multiple children, family members may designate one child as the receptacle for the parent’s or the family’s dysfunction. The narcissistic parent may heap all of the responsibility, blame, or shame for anything that goes wrong within the family onto the child, and it may extend into neglect or abuse.

Terms Related to Narcissist Abuse Tactics

Ambient Abuse. This is an atmosphere created through persistent gaslighting, instability, covert manipulation, and other psychologically abusive tactics. It results in an erosion of the victim’s confidence and independence so that the abuser can control and exploit the victim.

Bait and Switch.  Victims don’t fall for narcissists because they are cruel in the beginning.  Narcissists first show them an intense amount of attention, affection and what feels like love before they begin to slowly reveal a side of themselves that is cold, inattentive and vicious, making it difficult for the victim to know what they should believe about how their partner feels about them and whether they should hold out for the narcissist to stop treating them unkindly. Also known as the “mean and sweet cycle” or the “nice and nasty cycle.”

Baiting.  A tactic used by the narcissist to intentionally provoke an emotional response from the victim, generally while feigning innocence.

Blameshifting. This is the act of avoiding responsibility for an act of wrongdoing by claiming that the act would not have occurred but for the actions of someone else (or something else, such as alcohol, youth, stress, or other external factor). 

Crazy-making.  A general term used to describe tactics used that over time cause self-doubt, confusion and that result in the victim questioning reality.  Examples of how it can occur are when the narcissist’s actions don’t match his or her words, when he or she gaslights or lies about his or her actions or what has been said, and when he or she refuses to discuss problems in the relationship in a constructive manner (see Word Salad below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

Dog whistling.  Another term for baiting, except narcissists often use this tactic in front of others to humiliate the victim or make him or her seem off-balance for the purposes of smearing the victim or preparing for a break-up.

Dosing.  The act of providing morsels of positive attention after the cruel phase has begun to keep the victim strung along.

Double standards.  Narcissists often have two sets of rules:  one for themselves and one for everyone else, as they think they are entitled to special treatment. They will often have high standards for honesty and fidelity among those they choose for partners but have no intentions of adhering to these standards themselves.

Ex-recycling.  Narcissists have a tendency to stalk and try to return to their former partners for attention and control. They also enjoy using former partners in other ways as well. If you do want to talk to them, they consider you to be still in love with them and they will use you to make their current partner(s) jealous.  If you don’t want to talk to them, you’re bitter, jealous or crazy and they will use you to make their current partner(s) feel sorry for them (see Triangulation below–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

False flattery.  This is a form of love-bombing (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), in which a narcissist compliments another on whatever they think that person may be insecure about, in an effort to get him or her to return the compliments, as they love hearing about themselves.

Final discard.  Narcissists follow a relationship pattern (see idealize-devaluation-discard below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), but they often return and keep their ex-partner in a rotation for months or even years.  A final discard is the moment when some narcissists decide to leave the partner for good, sometimes in the most harmful way possible. Partners can never know if they have been subjected to a final discard, as narcissists may potentially return years or even decades later (see hoovering below–Abuse Tactics and Acts). Therefore, an argument can be made that the “final discard” is theoretical.

Future-faking.  Narcissists make grandiose promises about the life they plan to lead with a partner to fake intimacy and make them feel as if they are closer to the narcissist or more familiar with him or her than they actually are.

Gaslighting. A form of manipulation where the narcissist denies, provides conflicting information or outright lies over and over again in direct contradiction to what another person can blatantly perceive using his or her own five senses. The other person begins to doubt his or her perception of reality.  The term comes from a 1944 movie where a man purposely tries to drive his wife insane by making the gaslights flicker, then telling her that she is imagining it when she points it out.

Grooming. The process of slowly mixing negative behavior in with positive behavior in a relationship in order to wear down a partner’s boundaries so he or she will accept abusive treatment. It’s the “boiling the frog” metaphor, where the heat is turned up slowly and the frog doesn’t know it’s being boiled until it’s too late.

Hoovering.  A “hoover,” named after a brand of vacuum cleaner, is a tactic meant to “suck” a partner back into the relationship.  It happens after a period of silence during which the partner and the narcissist are not in contact with each other.  What characterizes this type of contact after a break-up with a narcissist is that it is insincere; no change in behavior will have occurred if the partners reunite.

Idealize – Devaluation – Discard. Considered the cycle of abuse in narcissistic relationships, in the idealization stage at the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist puts his or her partner on a pedestal and showers them with excessive praise and attention. At some point, the narcissist will begin to see his or her partner as flawed or even grow bored and the devaluation phase begins. Many tactics characterize this phase, such as verbal abuse (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), withholding, humiliation, and smearing (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts). Finally, when the narcissist no longer sees any value in the partner, perhaps if the partner has reacted in a way that the narcissist perceives negatively, such as demanding respect, the narcissist may discard the partner. The cycle often repeats many times before the relationship ends.

Intermittent Reinforcement. This is a pattern of behavior in which the narcissist randomly intersperses kindness between acts of cruelty. Psychological research demonstrates this is an especially powerful tactic. Because the partner never knows when the narcissist will show kindness, the randomness of the benevolence is one of the most critical forces that keep him or her tied to the relationship, hoping each time that the cruelty has come to an end for good.

Love-Bombing.  A period of intense positive attention from the narcissist that can include excessive flattery and declarations of love, mirroring (see below–Abuse Tactics or Acts), future-faking (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), gifts, sex, domination of the partner’s time, and fast-tracking the relationship. The result of these actions is an intense bond, where the partner becomes very vulnerable to, trusting of and dependent on the narcissist.

Mirroring.  This is one of the tactics used during the love-bombing that takes place in the beginning of the relationship.  It can be physical when the narcissist mimics the partner’s body language, behaviors, and actions.  It can also occur when the narcissist claims to enjoy the same activities or to have had similar experiences to make it appear as if the two have a lot in common.

Pathological lying. Lying that is done compulsively out of habit. It may not always seem to personally benefit the liar. It is known to be a common characteristic of many narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.  Sometimes, it is thought that they may engage in the lying for control or even enjoyment, in what is known as “duper’s delight.”

Projection. This is a defense mechanism narcissists commonly use to avoid their own feelings of shame caused by their negative behaviors. It occurs when they accuse partners of the things they themselves have done.

Silent Treatment. A period of non-responsiveness in which the narcissist disappears and treats the partner as if he or she doesn’t exist. The narcissist implements it as a form of punishment if a partner engages in a behavior that the narcissist doesn’t like.

Smear Campaign. To guard against exposure, prepare for their exit from the relationship, or gain sympathy from others, narcissists may spread gossip or tell half-truths or outright lies about their partners behind their backs.

Stonewalling. Refusal to engage in a conversation or provide information or other resources as a form of punishment for bringing up topics that a narcissist doesn’t like.

Triangulation. The act of using a third party in a conflict to make the narcissist appear in high demand, to manufacture emotions, or to gain further narcissistic supply (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts).

Verbal Abuse. Using namecalling, putdowns, or humiliation to weaken the self-esteem of the partner.

Victim-Blaming. The act of blaming or partially blaming the victim for the act of harm that has befallen him or her. Narcissists often use blameshifting statements to avoid taking responsibility for their abuse, such as stating that their partner was not caring or understanding enough, or was critical or reacted in a certain way, or left or did not give him or her a chance to change.  

Victim card. This is a name for a tactic narcissists use when they attempt to gain sympathy from others with the ultimate ulterior motive of excusing their abusive behavior. They may blame it on something negative in their past, a “bad childhood,” a broken heart, a lost love, a father that was never there or something else or all of the above.

Word Salad.  Circular language tactics narcissists use to ensure that conversations with others never have satisfactory resolutions for the other party; can include projection (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), stonewalling (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), blameshifting (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts), sympathy ploys, bringing up something the partner did, bringing up unrelated issues, starting the conversation over, and others.

Terms Used to Explain Coercive Control or Mind Control 

BITE model:  A model developed by cult expert Steven Hassan to explain mind control, it consists of the four components necessary for successful mind control in order to effectively resolve cognitive dissonance: Behavioral Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotion Control.

Brainwashing:  A term used to explain the most repressive forms of mind control in which individuals know they are under a coercive influence. Because of this, they may be subjected to the most overt and some of the most physically harsh methods of thought reform, such as totalitarian societies and prisoners of war.

Coercive Control:  A term for excessive monitoring and covert or overt dominance over one or more areas of a partner’s life, such as finances, career, friendships, clothing choices, hobbies, medical care, food choices and eating habits, or other. It usually begins as concern for the partner, starts slowly, and can be subtle.  It can be cloaked by and hidden in many seemingly loving behaviors at first, such as criticizing in an off-handed way the partner’s body, clothing, accomplishments or friends; invading privacy by reading private messages or listening in on phone calls; accusing the partner of cheating when no evidence exists; insisting the partner remain in constant contact; and making it very unpleasant for the partner to do things that don’t involve the abuser.  The results of these behaviors are to lower the self-esteem of the partner and to isolate him or her from others and give the narcissist more control.

Cult:  A group in which members express very strong or absolute devotion to an idea or a person, deceptive practices were used to recruit members into the group, and a leader or leaders exploit and manipulate the devotion of the group members to their own detriment. A cult can have as few as two people or as many as thousands, and they can be religious, political, business-oriented, 

Dual Identity:  After a person has been in a repressive environment that restricts his or her thoughts and actions, including a relationship with a low-conscience individual, he or she may develop dual thoughts and motivations. This dual identity is a survival mechanism that emerges to avoid being absorbed by the partner and protect the “authentic self,” while also resolving cognitive dissonance and avoiding further punishment. The authentic self recognizes the partner’s behavior as abusive, but the “false self” has adapted to the abuse and manipulation.     

Hypnosis: A trance state in which a person’s mental focus turns inward and he or she disconnects from the external environment.  This results in the body being able to perform acts without mental attention. 

Mind Control:  The use of tactics or behaviors to influence a person’s autonomy and identity. They may be forcible or deceptive, known or subtle. The goal is to replace the person’s authentic self with a different identity that will act in ways that serve the interests of the controller. The mind control is usually not total when the environment is non-immersive, thus the dual identity emerges (See Dual Identity above).

Undue Influence: A form of mind control in which deceptive tactics were used to convince a person to put themselves in a position to make themselves vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation.

Terms Used to Explain the Effects of the Abuse on the Victim

Abuse Amnesia. A specific form of denial in which the partner of an abuser suppresses the awareness of the abuse he or she has endured in order to carry on the relationship. This is partially a result of cognitive dissonance (see below–Effects), and the fact that the first idea that was formed is the most resistant to change.

Chemical Bond. The brain chemicals of the partners of the narcissists become dysregulated and synced up with the cycle of abuse, releasing dopamine and oxytocin from the reward centers of the brain when the narcissist lovebombs (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts) the partner and Cortisol and norepinephrine during stressful times when the narcissist disappears during silent treatments (see above–Abuse Tactics or Acts) causing immense pain. This creates a chemical addiction to the narcissist that is difficult to overcome.

Cognitive Dissonance. The uncomfortable feeling of anxiety from holding two beliefs that contradict one another. A person cannot hold both in the mind for very long without finding some way to rationalize or discredit one of them.

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). A variation of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in which chronic traumatization occurs from living a long-term traumatic situation rather than one event or short-term situation or in which multiple traumatic events occur. Examples include child abuse, domestic violence, or being a prisoner of war. Those with the condition typically have issues with emotion regulation and self-perception.

Dissociation. The state of feeling disconnected to what is happening around oneself, as if it has an unreal quality to it or is happening to someone else.

FOG. The mental state of confusion generated by the psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by narcissists. It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the manufactured emotions that narcissists use to try to keep their partners bound to them.

Identity Erosion. During all stages of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, narcissistic abusers use emotional control, behavioral control, information control and thought control (See BITE MODEL above) to reward and punish their partners. As a result, the partner adopts a perspective that identifies and protects the partner and his or her personality changes. This identity erosion is not “total,” and in other contexts is referred to as a “dual identity” (see above) or “doubling” because partners may often feel as if they are in conflict with themselves over their own desires.

Learned Helplessness. A psychological mindset the partner of a narcissist may develop in which he or she feels powerless to leave or escape the relationship despite having a desire to be free of it. It generally results from traumatic or ineffective attempts to leave due to the response by the narcissist. When the narcissist repeatedly draws the partner back into the cycle despite his or her desire to leave, the partner begins to feel as if he or she has no control to change the situation.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A state of extreme anxiety that activates a person’s “fight or flight” response in the brain on a consistent basis. It is so encompassing that a person’s thoughts, emotions, and beliefs about the world are all affected.  A single traumatic incident or an event with a time-limited duration, such as an accident, natural disaster, sexual assault, or tour of duty, is usually the cause.

Reactive Abuse. This is the term for what can occur if the abuser torments or intentionally baits the victim through manufactured emotions, triangulation (see above–Abuse Tactics and Acts) or other tactics into responding. Although the abuser has purposely generated an abusive atmosphere of power and control over the partner from the beginning, when he or she eventually gets a reaction from his or her partner, the narcissist can then use it to justify his or her abuse or claim victimhood and gain further sympathy or narcissistic supply elsewhere.

Stockholm Syndrome.  A phenomenon in which victims of trauma who are subject to horrific conditions or threats to their safety identify with their tormentors due to moments of kindness that they experience from them. Those moments of humanity enable them to develop positive feelings toward the tormentors as an unconscious defense mechanism to survive the trauma.

Trauma Bond. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in an abusive relationship, the abused partner may develop a loyalty to the abuser and suppress memories of their negative treatment in order to view him or her in the most positive light.  

Walking on Eggshells. This is a metaphorical term for the emotional anxiety the partner of an abuser can feel from not knowing what might set off an emotional tirade from a narcissist. The partner starts to watch everything he or she says or does and curb his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the abuser.

Terms Used to Discuss Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Closure. Narcissistic relationships rarely have the same kind of closure as ordinary relationships because both partners do not share the same narrative of the relationship. Because the relationship was characterized by deception and psychological manipulation, the partner of the narcissist will never have the answers, apologies, or good-byes from the narcissist that would provide peaceful closure because the narcissist is incapable of providing them. The partner must seek his or her own closure by understanding the nature of narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

Fog lifting.  The feeling of being able to think more clearly about the relationship once the partner of a narcissist institutes no-contact (see below–Healing). Over a period of days and weeks, partners tend to notice confusion and anxiety draining away as a function of the deprogramming from the psychological abuse.

Grey Rock. A modified form of no-contact (see below–Healing) in which the partner remains in technical contact with the narcissist out of necessity, however, has emotionally detached from him or her. The contact occurs only when absolutely necessary, is devoid of emotion, and does not provide the narcissist with any information beyond what is essential to convey.

No-Contact. A deliberate physical and psychological act by the partner of a narcissist to remove the narcissist from the life of the partner that includes taking steps in the material world to ensure that no contact can be made, and mentally preparing psychologically for not interacting with the narcissist again.

1 A more thorough explanation of these three terms and the similarities and differences among them can be found in the articles Narcissist or Sociopath: What’s the Difference? and in 9 Types of Narcissists: The Ultimate Guide. 

First Published 7/9/2018

Updated 4/12/2022

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The post The Ultimate Narcissist Dictionary for Defining Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Finally, you’ll find a list of websites and phone numbers belonging to foundations and agencies to which you can reach out for assistance.

Books on Narcissistic Abuse

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Classics

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Domestic Abuse Resources and Organizations

U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline
For any victims and survivors who need support, call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-799-7233 for TTY, or if you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522.

U.K. National Domestic Violence Hotline – 0808 2000 247

Canada – Go to this website to find resources within your province: https://www.sheltersafe.ca/

Australia Domestic Violence Hotline – 1800 737 732 – https://www.1800respect.org.au/ (live chat 24/7)

South Africa Stop Gender Violence Helpline – 0800-150-150

Other Crisis Websites & Hotlines

U.S. Crisis Text Number:  #741741

Canada Crisis Text Number: #686868 

Disaster Distress Hotline offered by SAMSHA – Call 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746.The Disaster Distress Helpline (DDH) provides crisis counseling and support for anyone in the U.S. experiencing distress or other behavioral health concerns related to any natural or human-caused disaster, including public health emergencies.

The Trevor Project – Call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678. A national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth.

Trans Lifeline – Dial 877-565-8860 for US and 877-330-6366 for Canada. Trans Lifeline’s Hotline is a peer support service run by trans people, for trans and questioning callers.

The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline – Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Updated  12/5/2021

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We as movie-goers never seem to tire of films in which men or women who look perfectly normal to us at the beginning turn on other characters to betray or destroy in horrendous fashion those who love and trust them the most. Here’s a list of thirteen films about narcissists you should definitely see.

13 Movies about Narcissists

In the descriptions below of each film, I won’t specifically give away who the narcissists or psychopaths are or what the relationships to those characters are in each because, in some of the films, it’s meant to be a mystery while watching.  With that being said, I also tried to provide some comments about what I thought was noteworthy when it came to narcissism or psychopathy in each film.  

Please be warned that because death makes for enticing drama, almost all of these films contain a death, usually murder.  Also, I tried to be as clear as possible about what the films were about and the genre of the film without giving too much away. 

If you know you find a particular genre to be triggering or upsetting, such as horror films, or you believe that watching a comedy with a narcissist in it would be upsetting, please use your own best judgment about watching these films.

Some of the films also contain domestic violence, sexual assault, or suicidal themes. If the film has a star next to the title, it contains one or more of these three sensitive topics in it, so please be aware of this if you plan to watch the film.

*1. American Psycho

• Release Year: 2000
• Genre:  horror; satire
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 68%
• Starring: Christian Bale, Willem Dafoe, Reese Witherspoon
• Description: A very successful yet vain and shallow businessman leads a double life as a serial killer.
• Things to Note about Narcissism/Psychopathy: The obvious display of many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder; also the film does a good job of showing the pervasive emptiness that lies behind the mask the main character wears.
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

*2. Big Little Lies (HBO mini-series)

• Release Year: 2017
• Genre:  drama; mystery
• Rated: M (Mature)
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 93%
• Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Alexander Skarsgard
• Description: Against the backdrop of a murder where neither the identity of the victim nor the suspect is disclosed, a wealthy community unravels as the secrets that hide behind the veneer of perfection threaten to tear apart marriages, families, and friendships.
• Things to Note about Narcissism/Psychopathy: The primary abusive relationship in this film, in particular, the characteristics of the abuser that unfold throughout the series and the trauma bonding effect on the survivor
• How to Watch: Watch for free on your HBOGo subscription, which you can try for free for 7 days here

3. Catch Me If You Can

• Release Year: 2002
• Genre:  drama; comedy
• Rated: PG-13
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 96%
• Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks
• Description: Based on a true story, this film portrays the financial cons performed by a young man in his late teens by impersonating people in important occupations.
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: The ease with which Frank can slip in and out of multiple lives and engage in his pathological lies.
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

4. Creep

• Release Year: 2014
• Genre:  horror; suspense
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) rating: 96%
• Starring: Patrick Brice, Mark Duplass
• Description:  A photographer answers a Craig’s List ad and is asked to make a video of a man who claims to be dying that he can leave behind for his unborn son, yet the photographer is increasingly asked to do things that seem unorthodox.
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: The methods of grooming on the part of the man doing the hiring and how the photographer’s boundaries are slowly eroded over time. Also, pay attention to the very end of the film and what it says about the photographer’s trust and view of humankind.
• How to Watch:  Watch for free with your Netflix subscription

5. Cruel Intentions

• Release Year: 1999
• Genre:  drama
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 48%
• Starring: Sara Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Reese Witherspoon
• Description: Two wealthy, unsupervised teenaged stepsiblings make a high-stakes bet with one another that entails the sexual manipulation of two unsuspecting younger women.
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: This is sociopathy at the far end of the spectrum: cold, calculating, and meant to cause as much damage as possible for sheer amusement and revenge. How many sociopaths are there in the film?
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here 

6. Deceived

• Release Year: 1991
• Genre:  suspense; mystery
• Rated: PG-13
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 39%
• Starring: Goldie Hawn, John Heard
• Description: A man dies not soon after being accused of museum art forgery. After his death, however, his wife discovers that he wasn’t the man she thought he was.
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: This is a mystery so I don’t want to say too much, but if you pay attention to the dynamics of the relationship between Hawn and Heard, you can recognize the abusive pattern of a narcissistic relationship immediately.
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here 

*7. The Girl on the Train

• Release Year: 2016
• Genre:  suspense; mystery
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 45%
• Starring: Emily Blunt, Rebecca Ferguson, Justin Theroux
• Description: A woman with an alcohol problem becomes involved in a murder investigation when a woman she sees from the window of a train every day goes missing.
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: I don’t want to give too much away because this is a mystery, but when the movie is over, think back on the tactics used to confuse the characters (and the audience) about who to believe.
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here 

*8. Gone Girl

• Release Year: 2014
• Genre:  suspense, mystery
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 45%
• Starring: Emily Blunt, Rebecca Ferguson, Justin Theroux
• Description: When a woman suddenly disappears under mysterious and apparently violent circumstances, her husband comes under intense media scrutiny, while he and the police try to unravel the clues that will lead to finding her and possibly her killer. 
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: Again, I don’t want to give too much away but, as with The Girl on the Train, think back on your own perceptions of who the credible witnesses are and why.
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

*9. Ordinary People

• Release Year: 1980
• Genre:  drama
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 90%
• Starring: Donald Sutherland; Timothy Hutton; Mary Tyler Moore
• Description: When the oldest son in a family dies accidentally, the destructive pattern and underlying emotions of the remaining family members begins to surface. 
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: This film does not focus on romantic relationships that much, however, it shows what happens when narcissists have children, and one becomes a golden child and the other, a scapegoat.  
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

10. The Talented Mr. Ripley

• Release Year: 1999
• Genre:  suspense; drama
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 83%
• Starring: Matt Damon, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow
• Description: A young washroom attendant meets a wealthy shipping tycoon by chance, who offers to pay him to bring his son back from Italy, but after the two become friends, his goal shifts significantly. 
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: Matt Damon’s character is a character study in sociopathy, but he’s not the only character in this film with a Cluster B Personality Disorder.   
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

11. To Die For

• Release Year: 1995
• Genre:  black comedy
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 87%
• Starring: Nicole Kidman, Joaquin Phoenix
• Description: A woman with aspirations of being a famous news journalist seduces and manipulates three local teenagers into a murder plot to help her accomplish her goal. 
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: There are so few films about female narcissists or sociopaths of this type, that this film is a great one for comparing and contrasting the differences in the portrayal between men and women. 
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

*12. White Oleander

• Release Year:  2002
• Genre: drama
• Rated: PG-13
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 69%
• Starring: Alison Lohman, Michelle Pfeiffer, Renee Zellweger
• Description: A teenaged girl passes through a series of foster homes after her impulsive, aloof mother is given a prison sentence for murdering her boyfriend.  
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: Many of the tactics that narcissists use can be seen, but from the eyes of someone on whom they are not being used (most of the time). 
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

*13. The Wolf of Wall Street

• Release Year:  2013
• Genre: drama; black comedy
• Rated: R
• Rotten Tomatoes (critics) Rating: 78%
• Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Margot Robbie, Jonah Hill 
• Description: Based on a true story, this film shows the rise of a Wall Street tycoon who built his own company and eventually led a very excessive and affluent lifestyle until eventually being arrested and serving time for corruption and fraud.
• Things to Note About Narcissism/Psychopathy: This film mostly depicts a corporate psychopath, however, his behavior in every other aspect of his life shown (e.g., family, friendship, property, etc.) demonstrate how and why it is a personality disorder and not merely greed motivating his behavior.
• How to Watch: Rent from Amazon here

Why These Films?

These films, documentaries, and mini-series depict narcissists and psychopaths doing something besides chasing people with butcher knives through the forest wearing masks while people scream and trip over dead branches (although they may certainly commit violence as well).

Although violence plays a role in almost all of these films, it is almost never the point of the plots. The films show the characters in their every day lives, interacting in their social worlds as well.

Some of the films portray the behavior as harmful and negative, some portray it as humorous, and some portray it as admirable, however, the narcissists and psychopaths are shown acting in cold, manipulative and conscienceless ways even when they are not intentionally hurting someone.

They often intentionally cause harm for enjoyment or revenge, however, often it’s just because someone got in their way.

NOTE:  All “How to Watch” information about these films is current as of October 2018.  Please double-check the websites linked to ensure the films are available as listed.

Have others you’d like to add?  Comment below with your favorites!

Also, check out the narcissistic abuse playlist and this list of books and online resources for narcissistic abuse recovery.

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