Yet what gets sold as a dream can end up turning into a nightmare. Why narcissists ruin vacations, however, isn’t as much of a mystery as it may seem. 

Vacations aren’t an exception. Narcissists also have a tendency to ruin other special days, such as anniversaries and birthdays, Valentine’s Day and other holidays.

[Read [How Narcissists Twist the Truth and Trap Their Partners]

Yet because vacations can take place in different and often unfamiliar environments, there are some additional unique opportunities for them to inflict harm on survivors that could be potentially dangerous. 

Why Narcissists Ruin Vacations

A vacation with a narcissist can change everything about a vacation for many reasons. This is because the ability of a narcissist to feel peace or expand their view of the world is limited, even when not on vacation.

They may travel for many reasons, however, it’s not for the joy of doing so. 

Here are some of the things narcissists get out of traveling:

• Impressing people
• Making others feel indebted to them
• Showing off wealth or making others envious
• Hob-nobbing with other people they believe to be of a high status
• Finding others with whom to have casual sex (i.e., vacations can be environments where people are more likely to throw caution to the wind and engage in casual sexual encounters)
• Being able to manufacture chaos in a controlled environment
• Bolstering the idea that they are superior to those around them by ordering those in the tourist and service industries around 24/7 
• Stringing people along

So make no mistake: they are “getting something” out of traveling.

For partners involved in those trips with them, what happens can often resemble what happens in the rest of your relationship. 

Sometimes narcissists spend the vacation seemingly devising ways to torture you or enjoying any misery you find yourself in, and you may actually find yourself endangered.

Sometimes the narcissist merely acts in such a self-absorbed or devaluing manner that you can’t relax or you’re constantly put in situations where you find yourself in emotional pain or walking on eggshells. [See “The Ultimate Narcissist Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Sometimes the ball gets dropped far down the road after the vacation is over, and it’s your memories of traveling that get destroyed.

Maybe you never even made it to the destination!

Only one person can have a good time on a vacation with a narcissist, and the narcissist will always ensure that that person is him or her. 

Why Narcissists Ruin Vacations for Their Partners

Scenario 1: The Dream Vacation

Narcissists may take you on a fantasy trip. It may be nearly perfect. Every need will be attended to, no luxury will be unspared. 

In what stage of the relationship did the dream vacation occur?  If it is near the beginning, you are or were being love-bombed. 

[Read 5 Reasons Love-Bombing is a Stealth Danger]

Narcissists will sometimes use trips in whirlwind romances.  It’s difficult not to fall in love when you’re in an island paradise, removed from all of the problems and routines of your everyday life, and someone is declaring their love for you. 

Or…was it after a period of no-contact?  Were you promised the world and the trip was part of it?  It was likely a hoover maneuver. 

[Read Going No-Contact When a You’re a Victim of a Narcissist Discard]

During a hoover, narcissists may also whisk their partners away from the everyday problems they’ve faced together and try to make partners believe things are changing.

In an environment that’s completely different from the “real world,” it may be easy to believe how sorry they are, that this time when they say things will be different, it’s true. 

Once again, they may be on their best behavior. It may also be easier for them to hide things they don’t want their partners to know or more difficult for us to do any due diligence. Being around them day and night gives them an opportunity to pull a hard sell to bring us back into the relationship.

With clouded judgment and little to no access to information or to other people who might be able to provide more rational and balanced ideas, it is almost impossible for us to make good decisions for ourselves that we should stay out of the relationship. 

Beware that although these trips feel as though something has changed, it isn’t true change. It doesn’t actually mean anything is actually different. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment, and they will try to get you to believe that since they spent all the money and time on you that it means something is different.

Real change, however, means that they would show you over time that they have stopped engaging in whatever behavior was damaging you and the relationship in the first place. 

If you refuse to take their bait and ask for time–watch their demeanor change. It’s doubtful they’ll be as loving as they were when they thought the trip alone would win you back.

Whether the dream vacation comes at the beginning of a relationship or during a hoover, there is a price to be paid for it and narcissists expect to be paid. They believe that they are buying your obedience and your love.

They also believe it buys them the right to treat you however they want to and if you complain, they will call you ungrateful. 

Over time, any beautiful memories you made together can turn to ashes when they hold the trip against you or if you learn about any secrets they were keeping from you the entire time you were there while they were declaring their undying love.

Scenario 2: The Vacation From Hell

Vacations can be like devaluation periods on steroids for a narcissist who has stopped idealizing you or who has worked himself or herself into a narcissistic rage. 

[Read How the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Keeps Us from Leaving] 

Narcissists often do not like to see anything else bring you joy when they have this attitude toward you and will want you to feel as miserable as they do. If they sense you are feeling any pleasure, they will try to bring you down. 

The narcissist can use their methods of choice to torment and harm you, and, because you are on a trip, you have nowhere to go to escape from them.

The narcissist may flirt in front of you, embarrass or humiliate you in front of others, start arguments on a whim or verbally abuse you, or any number of other harmful acts. 

Furthermore, there are all-new methods of devaluation that make the stakes even higher.

The narcissist may make threats to leave you somewhere unfamiliar without transportation or in an unsafe place, find a stranger on vacation and hook up with him or her, leave you without any money for food, lock you out of a hotel room, keep you isolated inside the room and away from others, take you identification so you can’t board flights or leave–or may actually go beyond threats and do these things. 

In addition, many things you might try to do to mitigate these circumstances can make things worse. 

For example, if you try to take a break from the narcissist and head for the pool, restaurant, bar or out to take a walk or tour the city alone, the narcissist may accuse you of meeting someone new in an amorous context and use it as an opportunity to harass you. 

All of these actions are about control and chaos.

But one of the most dangerous aspects of this kind of a trip with the narcissist is that, if the two of you have taken a trip alone, then he or she has already isolated you from everyone you know. Depending on where you are, you may not even have access to cell service in an emergency.

If the narcissist puts you in danger regularly or engages in unsafe actions with you or makes threats to do so, then you may potentially end up in serious jeopardy on a vacation, especially if their anger often spirals out of control.  

This is a special consideration that should be factored in when deciding whether to take a vacation with a narcissist. A vacation outside your own country, where you might have communication issues due to a language barrier, or where you will be in a very isolated environment away from other people could be especially dangerous.

Scenario 3: The Vacation That Never Was

Narcissists may try to make you feel special by talking about vacations as one of many types of future plans they either have made or want to make with you.

They may use vacations to make you believe they are more interested in you than they actually are to build trust or to keep you invested in the relationship.

After all, how can you break up with them when they already have this great trip planned?  Doesn’t that prove how much they love you?  This is a mind game known as “future faking.”

[Read How Narcissists Play Mind Games to Make You Think the Problem is You]

Vacations are a common form of future-faking, because anyone can make a reservation or put down a deposit and then keep putting off a trip indefinitely. 

Beyond future-faking, narcissists may use vacations as a fake form of commitment because they’ve been accused of cheating or have been caught cheating. They may want to show you that you’re the one they really love. Can’t you tell, they’ll say, because you’re the one with whom they have made all those plans.

If you ever ask them why these vacations don’t occur, one way you can tell that the trip is not intended is if they turn it around on you to make you seem materially-minded, shallow, and “ungrateful.”

If that happens, it can be very confusing.

How can it be that they once asked you to consider a beautiful vacation for the two of you as more than just a trip, to consider it a symbol of their love, but when you ask about it because you’ve taken them at their word, suddenly it’s just a trip again and because you’ve asked that means you’re only interested in money?  

That’s a narcissist for you.

Tips for Surviving Vacations with Narcissists

I know that what you really want is to have a peaceful vacation with your partner–because you want the relationship itself to be peaceful. You want your partner to stop abusing you, stop devaluing you, keep his or her word, and stop starting arguments over ridiculous things. 

There are the vacations you must go on with a narcissist and the vacations you want to go on with a narcissist, and there are some overlapping tips for surviving both.

1. If you don’t have to, consider not going on the vacation at all.

Is it really worth it for you to go on this trip with the narcissist? 

If so, you will need to prepare emotionally to have a happy and peaceful vacation regardless of what the narcissist is doing.

Regardless of the tantrums that he or she throws or the surprises they throw your way, you’ll have to be willing to shrug them off and enjoy where you are on your own. That means accepting ahead of time who you’re with and what’s likely to happen.

We don’t want to do that, do we?  We hold out hope that this time, it’s going to be the one perfect vacation. Then we put ourselves at risk. 

Instead, maybe this time, however, you can have that part of you ready to back off and go do your own thing if your partner doesn’t live up to what you’d hoped–and if you think you won’t be able to do that, consider the risk of what you will have to endure. 

If you think you won’t be safe, being happy is the least of the concerns.

2. If you don’t have to go, but you want to go, practice acceptance ahead of time that the vacation will probably not go the way you wish it would.

Practice accepting that your partner just cannot enjoy the vacation the same way you do and the vacation will probably not go smoothly.

This is almost like adding an extra “bump” or “irritant” to your list of vacation issues that you can expect to happen that you will have to deal with.

If you’re traveling with a narcissist, you can probably expect some extra things you wish you wouldn’t have to deal with, so if you accept it ahead of time, then there are no surprise fantasies of “he said he wouldn’t act like this.”  

Realize it’s not personal. Narcissists ruin these days for the same reason they ruin their relationships–because it’s in their best interest in some way and because they are broken people.

On vacation, you’re in close quarters for twenty-four hours a day. Anything you say and do might potentially reflect back something negative to them and set them off to act in a cruel way, and then you won’t be able to escape that. 

This may make things seem worse, but it’s the circumstances just magnifying the normal behavior of the narcissist. You can’t control what the narcissist does–you can only prepare and respond to his or her behavior.

3. If you must go, or if you think there’s any chance your partner could turn on you at some point, prepare for your safety. 

Here are a few suggestions:

Always have your own key to the room.

Always have some cash of your own. If you’re in another country, get some of that country’s currency.

Know where the embassy is located.

If you can, try to have your own credit card with enough credit on it to rent a car or buy a flight back home if you need it.

Know the layout of the hotel, campsite, resort, etc. where you’ll be staying and get a map of the town you’ll be in. 

Make an emergency index card with the name, phone number, and email address of an emergency contact and keep it in your wallet, bag, or pocket at all times.

Write down the names and phone numbers of people whose numbers you regularly use your cell phone to call but haven’t memorized the numbers and keep them on you in case you lose your phone or can’t use it and need to make calls elsewhere.

Make sure at least two people who know you have your itinerary, know where you’ll be staying and when you’ll be back.

The idea is to make sure you have your own resources and knowledge to ensure that you’re not dependent on the narcissist, and so that other people besides the narcissist are able to help you if necessary.

Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing. The idea of stepping away from everyday life and into another world temporarily should hopefully be transcendent and fill us with gratitude and joy.

There might be bumps and irritants along the way, but we at least know the universe of the types of things we should expect. We generally consider them annoyances that we can plan to minimize as much as possible while maintaining realistic expectations. We know that our vacation will help us recharge and go back to our everyday life refreshed and, sometimes, with a new view of the world we live in. 

Yet traveling with a narcissist adds a dimension to our trip that upends all our expectations.  and causes us to Taking precautions ahead of time to protect our hearts and our safety can minimize the damage.

Thank you for reading! If you liked this article, you might like my book, which was drawn from surveys with over 600 survivors and includes my personal story with narcissistic abuse.  The first chapter is free and includes the pathological love relationship checklist. Go here to read:  Why Can’t I Just Leave free preview.

 Also, try these articles if you’re looking for more help: 

• Signs the Narcissist You Know is Hoovering You
• Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Must Stop with the Questions
• Divorcing a Narcissist: How They Use the “System”
• 11 Crazy Things You May Do Before Going No Contact
• Why You Can’t Leave the Narcissist in Your Life

The post Trouble in Paradise: Why Narcissists Ruin Vacations appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Valentine’s Day is often a sensitive and dreaded day for many people, regardless of relationship status. Yet narcissists are notorious for ruining big days such as birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays.  [Read How Narcissists Ruin Holidays]

Valentine’s Day, however, is “extra-special.”  Everything about Valentine’s Day is tailor-made for them to wield it as a weapon to inflict maximum pain. 

Valentine’s Day can be triggering for those coming out of abusive relationships with narcissists. It’s a day specifically dedicated to the very emotions the narcissist distorted to gain our trust and then used to violate us. [Read Can a Narcissists Love? It’s Complicated]

Because the day is dedicated to love and relationships, everything about it can be used fraudulently in their illusion with little effort.

In each stage of the narcissistic cycle of abuse of idealize-devaluation-discard-and hoover, there’s always something cooking up on Valentine’s Day. [Read The 12 Stages of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle]

Narcissists and Valentine’s Day: The Tactics

1. Exploding or Disappearing On or Just Before Valentines Day

Starting huge arguments just before or on Valentine’s Day is not uncommon.  They may do this to avoid focusing on us or because they enjoy seeing us in pain.

Narcissists may also start an argument because there is someone else with whom they want to spend the day. An argument is an excuse for them to give you a silent treatment so they can spend Valentine’s Day with someone else.

They may use their anger and disappearances to avoid planning or gift-giving or any acknowledgment of the day at all.  

In my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, the night before our first Valentine’s Day together, he started an incident at a bar when another man spoke to me. He later told me he threw gifts he had bought me, including an “expensive bracelet,” out of the car window in anger while driving home. 

I will never know whether the gifts ever existed or whether he wanted me to feel that I would have gotten the spoils of his love if I had only done something differently.

2. Holding Valentine’s Day Over Your Head  

Narcissists often say that we don’t appreciate anything they do for us–as if the good things they do buys them the right to silence us as equal partners in the relationship and cancels out their abuse.   

If Valentine’s Day hasn’t happened yet, they may make threats to leave, cancel plans, take your gifts back because you’re not “appreciating” them if you dare to speak up about anything.

It’s not that you care about Valentine’s Day itself, but what it represents–peace and acknowledgment.  They’re conditioning us to walk on eggshells and jump over their bars with their rewards and punishments.

Valentine’s Day gives them a specific day to point to as a supposed testament of their love.  Then, once it’s over, if they love bomb you in at all, it’s later used as ammunition. 

They may mention it as proof that they love you, and you’re selfish and never happy if you, for example, bring up another lie or tell them you want them to treat you with dignity. 

3. Triangulating You with Others 

Narcissists have no shortage of past relationship partners to compare you to when it suits them.

They may talk about all the wonderful Valentine’s Days they have had in the past, or they may tell you how horrible past partners were to them on Valentine’s Day.

In both cases, they want to condition you to react a certain way. You will jump through hoops to make sure they feel special and that your Valentine’s Day with them is exceptional! 

4. Hoovering And Future-Faking  

The hoover game is strong around Valentine’s Day, so prepare yourself.

“I was thinking about last Valentine’s Day when we…”

“Are you free on Valentine’s Day? I want to take you to brunch and see you one last time.”

“Your favorite author has a new book out, and it made me think of you when I saw it. I picked it up for you, and I’d like to give it to you on Valentine’s Day.”

Once they get their foot in the door, then come the lavish promises about the future. More trips they’d “have liked” to take you on or things they wanted to do with you . . . if the two of you were still together. 

They still love you so much, they say. Won’t you see them one last time?

Stay strong. 

It’s not a sure thing that they will reach out. However, narcissists use the same hoovering tactics repeatedly because they work. Valentine’s Day is the one day you can predict potential contact. [Read 23 Narcissist Hoovering Tactics to Watch Out For]

5. Control and Harassment

The traditional designation of Valentine’s Day as a day when people go on dates and express love for one another can work in reverse in a relationship with a narcissist.

They can punish you with the threat to leave you on Valentine’s Day and reward you with the promise of a fantastical dream date.

In addition, if Valentine’s Day passes during a silent treatment when the two of you aren’t in contact, their jealousy could become their excuse to harass you. 

For example, they may use the holiday as an excuse to subject you to endless questions and accusations about what you were doing with other men or women. They may try to get you to confess to something that didn’t happen because they won’t believe they didn’t.

Valentine’s Day with a Narcissist Can Be a Nightmare

Many people perceive Valentine’s Day as a light-hearted holiday, even frivolous. It’s common knowledge that people sometimes suffer depression during the Christmas holidays, but Valentine’s Day? 

You aren’t alone in experiencing trauma because of how a narcissist has used Valentine’s Day to magnify their emotional abuse.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse may experience emotional turmoil on or around Valentine’s Day. The day may stir up old questions about the narcissist and love. It may increase confusion over whether the narcissist ever loved us or not. [Read Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated]

The ultimate transcendence of the narcissist’s control is to reflect on love beyond what we experienced in the relationship as part of our path to recovery.

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• Why Can’t I Just Leave?
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

The post Narcissists and Valentine’s Day: Romantic Torture appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Here are some ways to survive the narcissist during the holiday season and make it through to the next year with your sanity intact.

Even if you’re in no-contact, it’s important to keep in mind that holidays are a prime season for trying to pull ex-partners back into the web. Therefore, I’ve included a special section on how to arm yourself against the holiday hoover. [Read: Why Narcissists Hoover]

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

There are three important things to realize that can set you free.  

1. Narcissists ruin holidays because it’s in their best interest.
2. You can’t control what the narcissist does, you can only prepare and respond to his or her behavior.
3. You will need to prepare to have a happy and peaceful holiday season anyway, regardless of the tantrums he or she throws.

I know that what you really want is to have a peaceful holiday season and to have a loving relationship with your partner. You want your partner to stop abusing you, stop devaluing you, and stop starting arguments over ridiculous things–and not just over the holidays but every day.

This desire that we have is exactly how the narcissist is able to hurt and abuse us.

They do this by getting our hopes up that this year things will be different.

Or by making us believe that if we only do [x] or if we would have done [x], he or she would have not done whatever it was that threw everything into turmoil. We begin blaming ourselves for the holiday chaos when it isn’t our fault! 

Maybe he or she just makes underhanded comments, waiting to see our reaction. We get that familiar feeling inside. Should we say something, risk being called too sensitive, risk open hostility and ridicule? Or just shut down and not feel anything at all?

The holidays.  When you’re with a narcissist, we associate emotions with them that should never be associated with them in the first place.

Other resources exist that can help you to come to terms with the idea that the narcissist cannot be who we wish they were and to grieve over this fact. 

This article has a different purpose. It exists to help you get through a certain time period. Its purpose is to help you predict what will happen temporarily even if you can’t accept their behavior long-term.

Preparing ahead of time may help you to have a little peace in your life this holiday season.

How to Deal with a Narcissist During the Holidays

Knowing narcissists try to ruin holidays and you can’t control them can help you detach from how they behave. Detachment is the key to each of the survival ideas presented below. 

1. Determine your own goal or intended outcome for each holiday event or activity and then set your boundaries accordingly.

If there are parties or family events you want to attend, or you have traditions that you want to uphold, by all means, make your plans–and then keep them.  

You may make the plans with the narcissist, but then if the narcissist doesn’t keep them, do not let him or her make you feel bad if you go anyway.  

Also, if the narcissist tries to take you to an activity and then covertly abuse you, leave. You’re under no obligation to make nice just because it’s the holiday season. 

2. Check the facts mentally when the narcissist states or does something that appears manipulative.

The thing to remember is that narcissists are often manipulative, so you may be checking the facts a lot. 

Because the holidays provide narcissists special opportunities to manipulate you and your emotions, however, it’s a good idea to be especially aware of anything that seems unusual. 

Has the narcissist been especially nice when he or she has been in a devalue phase?  Or, has the narcissist begun to devalue you when previously he or she was treating you with kindness?  

Is the narcissist starting arguments more frequently?  Is the narcissist walking out and giving you the silent treatment?  There is a reason for everything.

You don’t necessarily need to become a detective because it ultimately doesn’t matter. (I know–easier said than done, right?) 

But maybe the holidays can provide you a respite from those feelings of anxiety as well by dropping a special blanket of protection over this time period and encouraging you to react differently, even if they are up to their same old tricks.

You can try to stay grounded during this time–for the traditions you had before you met the narcissist that you want to hold onto, your family and children, and especially for yourself.  

3. Be prepared for disappointment. 

The narcissist may make grand promises, but take everything he or she says with a grain of salt.

If they don’t follow through, don’t give them the satisfaction of having a negative reaction in front of them. 

4. Try seeing the narcissist as sad and pathetic instead of being hurt by his or her actions. 

When you feel joy at something that doesn’t involve him or her, they may try to bring you down instead of sharing in your pleasure or trying to be part of it.

It appears to make no sense–but try to remember that narcissists are often envious of other people’s happiness. They gain narcissistic supply when your attention focuses on them. 

If they can’t receive your positive attention, they may try to get it by causing you pain and then returning your focus to it once again. 

You don’t need to feel pity for them at this time (or ever). They are good at turning your empathy into an opportunity to exploit you. And I’m not suggesting that their actions don’t sting. 

Yet can you see them for what they are? Pathetic attempts to project their shame and despair onto you? Yes, it’s sad that we can’t share our joy with someone we love during this time and it’s okay to feel that, but we don’t have to own their emotions.

5. Don’t change your behavior to keep the peace–and expect that the peace will be broken.

Narcissists like to use threats and promises about how smoothly the holidays (or any special days) will go to keep you in line.

“I’m not going if you’re just going to bring that up. I told you she’s the one who keeps texting me. I can’t do anything about it. You’re ruining the whole surprise I had planned.”

“You didn’t text me back. You weren’t really out shopping. Who is he?”

“You never appreciate anything I do for you.” [storming out and giving you a silent treatment when you ask why he or she didn’t show up to your family dinner]

“I was going to propose to you on Christmas Eve, but you don’t trust me so now I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Notice how no matter what you do, the narcissist will find something to be unhappy about. 

You can decide to say nothing to the narcissist about anything you notice that seems off just to try to avoid confrontation, and it won’t make any difference.

That’s because even if you go about your normal life and the narcissist will start conflict himself or herself.  The narcissist will always find something about your behavior to be unhappy with because he or she is envious, jealous, and insecure and does not see you as an equal, deserving of worth and dignity. 

The more you curb your own behavior, the more the narcissist will demand that you do it.  

When the narcissist acts this way, don’t think of him* as reacting to your behavior. Think of him reacting to his own internal mental constructs that have nothing to do with you–and then continue to behave as you normally would.

You may not get any answers. The narcissist may back out of plans (see above), but this is how you maintain your own identity within the relationship.

How to Deal with Hoovering during the Holidays

If you are no longer with the narcissist and are in no-contact, you should be aware that holidays are still something you should be preparing for. Narcissists like to use the sentimental value of the holiday season to hoover. [Read: 23 Narcissist Hoovering Tactics to Watch Out For]

The best preparation is to have a plan in advance.  Can you answer these three questions?

1. What will you do to try to avoid receiving a hoover in the first place? 

Is the narcissist’s number blocked?  If not, do it now. Are there other things you can do to try to prevent it from even happening?

2. How will you do to handle it if you do receive it? 

List at least three things that you will do if it happens.  These should be things that do not involve contact with the narcissist–the goal is not to get involved. 

Maybe you can talk with a friend about it.  You may want to write out what you would say if you were going to talk to the narcissist. 

If it’s a phone call, you may envision yourself hanging up or come up with something you will say before disconnecting the call.  If it’s written contact, you may throw it in the trash without reading.

The idea is to come up with things that work for you.

3. What will you do to handle the emotional impact of receiving it?

Again, list at least three things you will do to take care of your emotions.  You can’t pretend it didn’t happen, and you’ll have to deal with the fallout.

Will you go to the gym and work out your anxiety or anger?  Talk it out with someone? Do something that really makes you feel empowered or cared for?

It’s probably a good idea to list things that you can do immediately, as well as things that you can do longer-term. 

If you are not in no-contact with the narcissist, but you’ve instituted grey rock, the same three questions still apply.  If they want to suddenly make a play for you again, you need to think about preparing for it. 

How are you going to guard against that happening in the first place?  What will you do if it happens?  How will you care for your emotions if it does?

You may not come up with the same answers as if you were not in contact with the narcissist at all. You can still prepare in much the same ways.

Don’t Let Narcissists Ruin Your Holidays

It may appear in some of my suggestions about how to survive as if they are getting their way.

What the suggestions are intended to offer, however, is the opposite. They are intended to provide you with ways to mentally challenge what it is they desire so that they aren’t able to control you during this time. 

It is heartbreaking that we must detach in these ways from someone we love and with whom we want to share our happiness. Yet this is how we protect ourselves from more pain. 

I wish you love and peace this holiday season.  Take care of yourself. Don’t let the narcissist in your life take that away from you.

Want more? Get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• Why Can’t I Just Leave?
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

*A male pronoun is used to preserve the sentence structure. Please substitute the appropriate gender pronoun for your situation, if necessary.

The post How to Deal with a Narcissist During the Holidays appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

The holidays can be a painful time of year for people who are in relationships with narcissists. It can feel as if no matter how your relationship has been going with them before the holidays even start, they can find a way to use this time of year to cause additional pain.

By taking advantage of the cultural norms and expectations surrounding holidays or the disruption to normal routines, they can find creative ways to hurt and control.

This holds true regardless of what holiday or holidays you’re celebrating or even if you’re not celebrating at all. 

It’s not just the holiday season–they also have a tendency to ruin other special days, such as anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine’s Day, as well as vacations.

This is because the disruptions to normal routines and expectations around these events even for other people. They provide an especially prolonged period of time and many different opportunities for narcissists to hurt others.

Below are seven ways that narcissists can either interfere with holiday conventions or use the holidays to cause chaos. Each has its own motivations and outcomes for the narcissist.

How Narcissists Ruin Holidays

Although the holiday season tends to be stressful, most of us can probably agree that holidays should be a time when appreciation for those you love is elevated and prioritized. 

Narcissists, however, have no interest in true harmony. Depending on the type of narcissist, they thrive in chaos for many reasons.

Even when there is no chaos to engineer, they can still use the holidays to manufacture emotions and they do benefit from the emotions of others. 

1. Narcissists use the holiday season to gain sympathy.  

Some narcissists use every opportunity to get others to feel sorry for them. They told us their sob stories when we first met them about how their past partners mistreated them or about how down on their luck they were.

Holidays with narcissists, however, can take on a whole new significance. They spin tales about how they never got any presents when they were children, or about how their ex always ruined the holidays for them.

Horrible things happen in this world and some people have had some horrible things happen to them, during holidays and otherwise.

What we need to keep in mind with narcissists, however, is that these things may or may not have happened as described and it’s that they use these stories as a weapon to manipulate others. 

Their histories sometimes are not true–they make up entire personas of things that didn’t happen to them, or exaggerate or project their own behavior onto others in their past and then use those events on those with whom they interact with currently in order to get away with their new behaviors. 

This is the precursor or the excuse to the other things they might do during the holidays–if they are mistreating you during this time, they can blame it on the fact that they have bad holiday memories.

2. Starting arguments or breaking up with you on or just before a major holiday. 

Narcissists don’t like it when your attention is on anything else other than them. They also get jealous when anything but them has the power to bring you joy.

When they see you happy, they may start an argument. To them, this guarantees a spot in your brain space that is at least equally as important as your anticipation of that holiday event.

If what they do to you is bad enough, they can also attach themselves traumatically to your holiday memories. They would rather be the cause of your unhappiness and misery than not be the center of your attention at all. 

Why would the narcissist go to all that trouble to cause misery rather than joy?

Narcissists do not like competition and know that they have to share you during the holiday season. There are parties, family events, your friends, your children… they don’t like that. Not only are all of those other things taking your attention off of them–you may also be sharing in activities that make them feel left out.

3. Using the sentimental value of the holiday season to hoover. 

You may have gone no-contact with the narcissist in your life. Now you’re trying to heal from the relationship.

Holidays, however, provide the perfect cover to get a surprise hoover. The narcissist may reach out with a call, email or text to wish you happy holidays.

They are trying to use the harmonious spirit to their advantage, hoping you’ll think it’s rude not to respond.

They may also try to evoke happy memories in you that overcome your instincts not to interact with them.

4. Setting up your expectations and then disappointing you. 

Narcissists may make plans with you to go to your parents’ home for a family celebration but cancel last-minute. This leaves you to make all of the explanations to everyone.

They may also ask you what gift you would like, making elaborate promises. Then, they will give you something totally different, something very impersonal and cheap. Or they may give you nothing at all.

In the end, it’s not about the gift.

As with canceling plans, it’s about the lack of care they seem to show for both your feelings and about what they told you they would do.

If you ask them about any of these things, they turn it around on you to make you seem petty or argumentative.

5. Giving elaborate gifts to hold against you later.  

Sometimes the opposite of #4 will happen when it comes to gifts.

If you are being love-bombed, they may load you up with elaborate presents, but be warned that they are keeping track. You will hear about those gifts for the rest of the relationship.

During arguments, you will hear about how much they cost. In the devaluation stage, they will act as if they were not gifts at all. They may treat them as favors to avoid paying for things for which they are responsible.

Just be aware of narcissists gift-giving strategy as a way to get something in return. Even if they seem heart-felt in the moment, you are likely to pay in some way for those gifts later.

6. Excluding you from holiday events.

Narcissists are good at playing innocent when they want to. Holiday events give narcissists excuses to stay late at work for holiday parties or spend time with friends outside of regular routines.

Even if they’re don’t celebrate or you don’t, both of you may get many invitations, and attending may be social.

If they are in the middle of juggling several people at once, they may attend a holiday event and “conveniently” forget to invite you or they may use an invitation as an excuse to be somewhere else.

They may also use holiday routine disruptions as an excuse to triangulate you with others or give you a silent treatment. 

7. Using threats and promises about how smoothly the holidays will go. 

Narcissists may know certain events are important to you because they hold tremendous sentimental value.  They may combine all or more of the items on this list to hold this over your head.

This can give them a lot of power over us because we just want to keep the peace, especially if we have children with them.

We feel like we have to walk on eggshells and we can’t speak up or be ourselves just to have a somewhat normal holiday season. 

This is the ultimate goal of why narcissists ruin holidays. They want to hold the holiday season over our heads so that they can get their way.

Know Their Game Plan and Arm Yourself

Narcissists try to ruin the holiday season by holding our desire for joy and harmony over our heads so that they can get their way.

Knowing narcissists try to ruin holidays and you can’t control it can help you detach from how they behave.

This can help you have peace in your life and survive this holiday season. [Read “How to Deal with a Narcissist During the Holidays”]

If you enjoyed the holiday season before you knew the narcissist, by arming yourself with the knowledge about what to expect, you can continue to enjoy them now. 

Want more? Get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

Don’t forget to check out these resources:

• Why Can’t I Just Leave?
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

The post How Narcissists Ruin Holidays: It’s Not Your Imagination appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Word salad is a circular language tactic use by one person that ensures conversations never have a satisfactory resolution for the other.  It’s a way to maintain control over the other person’s beliefs or ideas, emotional response, or access to information.

The methods used could include blameshifting, projection, gaslighting, stonewalling, sympathy ploys or playing the victim, equivocating, changing the subject and partner on the defensive, and others. [See The Ultimate Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

The purpose of word salad is to use our words against us.  Through these circular conversational tactics, narcissists manage to convince us and others that we are the problem and to deprive us of a voice. 

How is that even possible? 

They do it by denying us our right to have an opinion, emotion, or thought that is a reaction to anything they have done.

Every interaction is designed to distract, punish, or demean us until we give up and accept their version of reality using a combination of these emotionally abusive methods. 

[Read Narcissistic Abuse is a Dangerous Cocktail of These Three Types of Emotional Abuse]

As the relationships go on, partners of narcissists learn to walk a line that language divides.  Conversations become the flashpoint for keeping the peace.

We can either adopt a pathological worldview in which we are to blame for causing problems by “talking,” yet the narcissist is not at fault for wrongdoing– or we can continue to speak up and be further shamed, threatened and abused.

Tactics Used in Word Salad

Jackson MacKenzie, a renowned author on the topic of narcissistic abuse, explains in his book Psychopath Free that conversations are a primary method narcissists use to erode the identities of their partners.

He may have been the first author on the topic of narcissistic abuse to use the term “word salad” for these circular conversations.  He lists the following nine warning signs that you’re in one of these dialogues.  

1. Circular Conversations 

You feel as if you’ve resolved something in the conversation, and then a few minutes later you’re talking about it again as if the narcissist didn’t hear any of the arguments you made. They argue their own same points again and again as if they’re in their own reality where they can’t hear you or your words don’t register.

2. Bringing Up Your Past Wrongdoings and Ignoring Their Own

If you mention any of their bad behavior, they will bring up something you have done to distract you and put you on the defensive. It may or may not even be relevant. This is a form of distraction in the conversation. 

3. Condescending and Patronizing Tone

They will remain calm during the conversation. Yet you will become increasingly confused and bewildered as the circular conversation devolves into irrational territory and they act as if they don’t hear you or acknowledge what you’re saying.

When you react in exasperation, they respond as if you’re being unreasonable and use your reaction against you, claiming you’re out of control or escalating things.

4. Accusing You of Doing Things That They Themselves Are Doing.

As the conversation starts to escalate, the narcissist will start to project their bad behavior onto you.  Once you have to spend time defending yourself, suddenly the spotlight is off of what they have done.

5. Multiple Personas

The narcissist will use a variety of tactics and show a variety of sides. You may see anger and insults, tenderness, or they may play the victim card.

All of these tactics, regardless of whether the narcissist acts in a friendly, neutral, or hostile way toward you, all serve the interests of the narcissist.

Even if the narcissist appears conciliatory, it’s because that’s what the narcissist perceives will work at the time and may change their behavior again at any moment.

6. The Eternal Victim

The narcissist will often offer reasons for their behavior that lead back to something bad that’s happened to them.

7. You Begin Explaining Basic Human Emotions

You may find yourself having to describe how doing the things they have done hurt you and why, and the basic foundations of a relationship like respect and honesty. You think if you can communicate these things, they will stop.

8. Excuses

The narcissist almost always blames others for the things they do or makes other excuses. They may blame alcohol, their youth, unfair or biased treatment from others, or you.

Yet they will not and cannot just own up to what they have done, express genuine remorse and correct course.

9. “What in the World Just Happened?” 

You leave the conversations feeling drained and as if nothing was accomplished, or as if you accepted a mediocre answer or you are being diminished as the time goes on because you can’t seem to get anything resolved.

Shannon Thomas, a trauma therapist who treats narcissistic abuse survivors, says in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse: 

“When a survivor tries to talk to a psychological abuser about their negative behaviors, a favorite maneuver of toxic people is to simply not reply… When a survivor asks why they didn’t reply, the toxic person will spin the situation and say something like, “I am not going to argue with you.” Can you see what just happened? The survivor was blamed for causing drama, or an argument, and the toxic person never addressed their behaviors.”

Over time, you dread asking about anything because you know it will open up one of these conversations in which you may be attacked–or even that the relationship may suddenly end without warning.

You’ve been conditioned.

What makes these tactics particularly difficult to deal with is that the narcissist will not just choose one and stick with it. He or she will alternate back and forth between them seamlessly in the same conversation as you ask different questions. 

This is what makes the conversation even more mind-boggling and irrational. 

This is why you eventually give up — you’re exhausted.

A Word Salad Example

Studying a word salad example can help to shed light on the tactics they use to try to avoid giving partners what they want in the conversations:  answers, validation, acknowledgment, apologies, concessions, or promises.

I offer the example below of a conversation that my ex-boyfriend and I had over text messages at one point. 

In this conversation, I wanted an answer from him about why he kept coming back and interacting with me only to be cruel not long afterward.  He could not answer this simple question.

This text conversation took over two hours.  I felt anxiety and dread the entire time, worrying that he would suddenly get angry and begin insulting me or cut off the conversation and go silent.

[Read Things Narcissists Say That Give Themselves Away]

*  *  *  *  *

Me:  Can I ask a question? A serious one that I really want to know the answer to… Why do you still want to see me?  What do you feel like you get out of it?

Him:  Peace. Happiness. It makes me alive n happy. Why do u wanna see me and what do u get out of it? Ur the love of my life Kristen believe it or not.  

Me:  You say I’m the love of your life and yet you’re so mean sometimes about petty things… and you walk out or act unkind for such small reasons.  How does that cherish our time together?  How does that make you happy?

Him:  I haven’t done that in a while. 

Me:  Well, like three weeks.  And we’ve only seen each other like twice since the last time it did happen.

Him:  Yes cuz I don’t drive and u know that, so it’s hard to come see u more than once a week.  U haven’t seen me either and haven’t answered my question.  I can ask u the same thing. Why didn’t you come to see me?   

Me: No, you missed the point. You said you hadn’t done it in a while and my point was that there were only two opportunities because we’ve only seen each other twice.  What do you mean I haven’t seen you either?

Him:  You have seen me three times in the past 2 weeks not two. 

Me:  I don’t think so but it doesn’t matter.  Two or three doesn’t really change my point overall. 

Him: Yes, I get the point.  Yes, we haven’t had opportunities for me to walk out.

Me: Okay so why do you say so many things to tell me how much you love me and want to be around me but your actions don’t match it?  That’s why I wanted to know what you get out of it.  That’s all I was trying to say.

Him:  Yeah.  Your actions don’t either sometimes. 

Me:  No, but I never start anything though.

Him: Yeah. Can we not argue please?  I’m really tired tonight after all this training. 

Me:  I’m fine with that.

Him:  Okay thanks.

Me: To avoid an argument you shouldn’t change the subject so we don’t get off on tangents instead of just responding to what I said.

Him: Well I have answered my question why don’t you answer now?  I have already admitted my actions don’t match so what else am I avoiding?

Me: I asked you a question and your response was “Your actions too sometimes.”  Okay, that can be discussed, but that’s not what I asked.  That is an example.

Him: I have already answered your questions you asked when you asked them the first time and now you’re asking me more and more and I don’t want to answer any more of your questions cuz I’m really tired and trying to go home and shower and stuff. You asked 2 questions and I have answered them. And on the other hand you didn’t answer mine. 

Me:  You didn’t actually answer my question. I didn’t ask you to verify that your actions don’t match because I already know they don’t.  I’m asking you why.  WHY?  You didn’t answer. My question is still the same because your answer didn’t fit with reality. What you said you got out of our time together, that I’m the love of your life, didn’t make sense. 

Him:  Yes it’s the answer believe it or not

Me: But I asked you why do you say so many things to tell me how much you love me and want to be around me but your actions don’t match it?

Him: Now I know you think I don’t love u or care about u 

Me: In other words, I’m asking how can you get peace and happiness out of being with me when the reality is that your actions make it hard for either of us to have peace or happiness… why wouldn’t you avoid doing things that would put an end to those things or make me think you didn’t care?  I don’t know what to think.

Him:  OK I get it… lol don’t think

Me: You get what?  Why are you laughing?

Him: Cuz it’s funny how u don’t think I love u that’s why

Me: I said I didn’t know what to think.  There’s a difference.  And no it isn’t funny…

Him:  Okay

Me:  I’m dead serious when I tell you if you want people to know you love them you don’t hurt them unprovoked or make them feel unimportant.

Him:  Yes, I did some f***ed up things and they weren’t right. Now I’m sorry but what I feel for you is real or else I’d be gone.

Me: Okay.  Why do you still do them?  Like lie and yell and say mean things?  If you love me so much.  That’s what I always wanted to know.

Him:  Yelling and saying mean things when I’m drunk… you have done things drunk too.

Me: Please don’t change the subject.  And anyway yes sometimes you do them when you’re drunk but sometimes not.

Him:  I’m not changing no subject.

Me:  It isn’t ever right of me to retaliate but I don’t just start things.

Him: Look did I only do bad things to you?  We aren’t together anymore and I think about the good times only.  That’s why I sent you that song last night but I think you just don’t think I ever did anything good.

Me:  Yes I do.  I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t.  Who would stick around just for someone to mistreat them?  It’s the fact that you also treated me well that keeps me here.  So the fact that there was both makes it so confusing and that’s what I’m trying to talk to you about.

Him:  Well I think I did more for you than any other girlfriend I had.

Me:  Yes I believe that.  That’s what your friends and some of your exes told me too.  Maybe you don’t know why you did what you did.  Maybe because you never trusted me and still don’t.

Him:  My past that’s why. Can we stop arguing?

At this point in the conversation, I was exhausted.

As I said, I had also feared he would explode at any moment and stop talking to me and perhaps even end our interactions altogether over me asking a question. 

I accepted his statement from him that the reasons why his actions and words didn’t match was because he had a past that led him not to trust people, although it was me who had brought it up and his past about being a victim of cheating, I had learned, was questionable.

Why Conversations with Narcissists Are Frustrating and Confusing

H.G. Tudor, a self-aware narcissist who writes about relationships from a narcissist’s point of view, explains how narcissists think about these conversations differently than we do in his article, “Why Are the Arguments Never Resolved?”

When we as non-narcissists get the word salad in these conversations, we attempt to align our narratives with the narcissists to settle on a version of reality that mirrors what we have experienced.

For example, we may wish to have the narcissist acknowledge something or apologize or stop doing something.  This is what happens when two non-narcissists have conversations–they are attempting to come to an agreement.

“The victim does not know that they are in a romantic entanglement with a narcissist… Both have entirely different aims,” Tudor says.

Narcissists have no interest in coming to a resolution that benefits both people, because:

1. It would be giving up superiority and control to admit a wrong.
2. They can’t openly admit their cruel behavior was executed without any thoughts about how it would hurt us or even that it was intentionally done to hurt us because it doesn’t benefit them to show us their remorselessness.
3. They gain narcissistic supply from our confusion and pain.

If they started the argument to gain supply– perhaps by accusing you of something that didn’t happen–when they have had enough, they will end it abruptly by a change of subject or something else.

If it was us who started the conversation by asking a question, such as in my example above, the narcissist will use deflection tactics hoping that we will end the conversation. 

Those tactics often won’t work because they don’t align with our reality or achieve the goals of the conversation we set out to achieve.

The narcissist is not agreeing that any statements we are making have truth to them so we can then build on them to have a conversation. Instead, he or she has crazy-making verbal interactions with us so nothing is ever settled.

“Even when the narcissist’s aims are achieved and he halts the manipulation, the victim still understandably believing the matter to be unresolved, keeps going.

This causes the narcissist to respond to the challenge and then the narcissist sees the victim as maintaining an argument unnecessarily,” Tudor says.

Conversations with narcissists are like being in a maze where you try to stay on the right path toward the exit, however, the narcissist constantly drags you down one more dead-end hoping you’ll get lost and give up.

The way to fight back is to understand that we can never get what we need out of these conversations.

Instead, we can refuse to give up our own reality and use our voices to speak our truth, while knowing that we don’t need the narcissist to validate it.

The post Word Salad: When Talking is a Narcissist’s Weapon appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Those things might come in grand verbal speeches or spoken in bite-sized comments mumbled under the breath.

Either way, when heard, something seems out of place, but you might not always know why. 

Often what they say has another meaning because they have ulterior motives or they’re attempting to manipulate behind the scenes. 

Things Narcissists Say That Give Them Away

Narcissistic people can sometimes give themselves away over time when you keep communicating with them. 

It’s not just that they talk about themselves a lot, as the stereotype would suggest.  It’s that there is an inability to connect with them, or they say things that indicate they aren’t processing events emotionally the way one would expect.

For example:

• They say something that doesn’t match their actions.
• Their emotions don’t match what they’re talking about. They may be full of rage about something that seems ordinary or say very dramatic things robotically.
• They say things about others or you that are highly unempathetic or cruel, and it’s hard to believe anyone would seriously say such things and mean them. 
• Their responses to your questions can be diversionary and nonsensical. They change the subject, which leads conversations to go completely off the rails and you end up exhausted or forgetting what you brought up.
• They flip things around when they’re accused of something so that they are the victims, and never seem to take responsibility for anything. 

What makes these tactics begin to look narcissistic is their repeated use over a long period of them. 

Maybe you realize that almost every conversation you have with this person ends with the feeling that something is wrong.

It could be that there is something dishonest about your conversations with them.

Maybe they won’t let you interact with them on equal ground, or they’re not really listening to you and never take responsibility for anything.

Perhaps they’re always saying rude or gossipy things about other people and expecting you to go along with it.

Below are a series of common things narcissists say.  Most of these are comments narcissists might say in romantic relationships. With each common phrase below, I’ve also included the underlying meaning.

Things Narcissists Say to Keep You Around

These phrases may seem so emotional and romantic at first.  After a while, however, they may begin to seem mechanical. [Read: Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated]

“Tell me what I can do to show you how much I love you.” 

Tell me how I can make you fall in love with me so then you’ll do whatever I want you to do.

“We have a special connection. No couple out there loves each other as much as we do.”

I want you to believe that you’ll never find anyone else who loves you like I do so you’ll never leave. Then I can keep getting what I want and need from you while not having to abide by the expectations of a normal relationship.

“I’ve never loved anyone like this before. You’re the love of my life.”

Even though I’ve told this to multiple women in my life, and at least two other women while we were together, I have to make you believe I really mean it when I say it to you. I’m going to keep repeating it because I want you to think you’re special.   

“Let’s start a new relationship.”

I want you to immediately stop talking about all of the bad things I’ve done to you as if they never happened, but at the same time, I want all of the trust back you used to give me without having to earn it back.

“I never lied to you about my love for you.” 

I really did love the way you made me feel about myself. You made me feel like I was special. 

When you found out about all of the horrible things I did to you though, you made me feel ashamed about myself and I hate you for that. I was able to do those bad things to you because it wasn’t really you that I loved so I hope you understand that.

I’m sorry, but I’m just not capable of loving people for themselves.  So I wasn’t lying, it just wasn’t what you thought.

“I don’t know why but I keep coming back to you.”

As long as you keep giving me attention, love, adoration, sex, affection, acceptance, and anything else I want and need, I’ll keep coming around and I’ll never let you move on.” 

“I’ve changed for you.  I did more for you than I ever did for any other girlfriend.”

Two weeks went by and I didn’t talk to any other girls, and you still don’t trust me again yet? 

I also brought you gifts and dinner.  I’ve never done that for any other girl and you’re so ungrateful. 

Why is it always about you?  You don’t do anything for me. What a waste– I should have just spent that two weeks talking to girls anyway since you don’t appreciate me.  In fact, I’m going to start right now.

“Please give me one more chance. I’ll treat you like a queen.”

Please let me come back to get more of your attention and love. I couldn’t find anyone who gave it to me as well as you in the time I was gone and I really need it.

As long as you don’t talk about anything I did, we can go back to the way things used to be where you worshiped me. 

“I will always love you and be here for you no matter what.”

Anytime you want to call me up and let me come back in and rip your heart out again, let me know, and I will–if it’s convenient.

I’ll get narcissistic supply out of your attention for sure.

I’ll give you some crumbs for your trouble but just know, however, that I’ll never, ever, give up my ways and give you an equal partnership–or even tell you the truth.

[Note: See The Ultimate Narcissistic Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Things Narcissist Say in an Argument

“That’s not what happened.  [x] is lying.  Ask [y].”

I’m lying to you and that’s exactly what happened, but I know you won’t really ask around about it.

If you do, I’ll create a huge distraction by blowing up, calling you crazy and paranoid for checking up on me, and accusing you of not trusting me or giving me a chance. 

[Y] will back me up since I’ve told them all about how dramatic you are about these things.  We’ll gang up on you until you stop asking these types of questions.

If you persist in discussing it, I’ll break up with you or give you a silent treatment, and by the time I come back, you’ll be desperate to sweep my lie–and what I lied about–under the rug.

Don’t forget–you have no voice and no rights in this relationship. I do what I want. 

“You always think you’re right.  You know everything.” [said with sarcasm]

You have me figured out and I’m starting to see I can’t fool you anymore.  I must quickly create more doubts because I have no intention of owning up to what I did or resolving any of this in a healthy manner. Instead, I’ll try to make you doubt yourself and pretend you don’t know what you’re talking about.

“I know what you’ve been doing.”

I’m doing something that you would think is highly inappropriate with other women, therefore, I’m going to project it onto you. If I’m doing it, you must be doing something inappropriate too.

Also, I don’t want you to get suspicious so we must keep the focus on talking about you so you don’t have time to stop and think about what I might be doing.

“You don’t care about me.  You’re selfish/crazy/abusive/jealous.”

You’re starting to figure out all of the bad things I did and you ask too many questions, check up on me, lose your temper when I provoke you, cry too much, etc.– all things that don’t make me feel adored by you anymore. 

The relationship is falling apart because you won’t just be happy and let me do whatever I want to do.  

“It’s not all my fault.  You ruined this relationship too.”

If you hadn’t found out about everything I did or if you would have just let it all go and let me have a free pass, everything would be perfect. 

But since you keep talking about your thoughts and feelings and getting upset when I stonewall you, I’m no more at fault than you are.

“You were never there for me.”

Right now, I’m feeling stung by something you said to me.

You won’t leave me alone about something I did to you or how you know I’m lying to you, and I just feel you’re to blame for all of this because of that.  I’m the one who can’t trust you since you won’t stop talking about the past. 

I know you were there for me, I want you to try even harder and give even more because right now you’re too focused on the wrong thing. I want you to just shut up about what I did and just adore me like you once did.

“Why do you always have to start an argument?”

I don’t really care about the fact that what I did hurt you and I certainly don’t want to talk about it.

When you bring it up, it’s you making everything unpleasant, not me for doing those things in the first place. 

I need to make you think you’re being overdramatic for talking about how you feel so I can condition you to stop talking about these things.   

“Can’t you ever let the past go?” 

I know that the thing that I did hurt you, but I don’t want you to point out that there’s a pattern in my behavior. 

I want you to focus on one incident at a time because it makes it easier to say you’re exaggerating and to make you and everyone else believe that I’m actually changing and that I’m not ‘like that’ anymore.

“I knew you were just like all the others.”

You were destined to fall off the pedestal no matter what you did because normal human behavior is not allowed. 

You have no right to have expectations of me in this relationship, even of honesty, trust, fidelity, respect, human dignity, safety, privacy, boundaries, and personal freedom. You’re not entitled to those. I can’t let you be equal to me in this relationship because then you might leave me. And how dare you criticize and challenge me!  You don’t realize how special I truly am, or how much I give you. You don’t appreciate me.

Oh well, there will always be someone else to come along, so on to the next one to try again.

“You don’t love me anymore.”

You don’t take care of me like you used to.  You don’t let me take advantage of you like you used to.  The same old lines don’t work.  Also, I don’t think I love you anymore. 

 Things Covert Narcissist Say

Covert narcissists. believe they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, however, they feel resentful of others because they always feel as if they are not receiving it (Rose 2002). [Read The Unlucky 13 Different Types of Narcissism]

They are also known as vulnerable narcissists because their self-esteem is fragile and they won’t overtly act on their self-entitlement.  Instead, it comes out in much more subtle, passive-aggressive ways, for example, they may bring up something you’re sensitive about in front of others. 

Sometimes their silence is a method of telling you that they are punishing you for perceived critical actions.

“That’s great that you finished your degree. Online courses are better than nothing.”

I’m jealous that you’ve accomplished something and want to make you feel as if it’s not that big of a deal.

“Are you going out dressed like that?”

You look really nice and I’m jealous. I want to make you feel insecure, so you’ll change your clothes or just feel bad about yourself while you’re wearing that outfit.

“I tried to find that ice cream you like, but they were all out.  You could stand to lose a few pounds anyway though, right? I was just joking.”

I’m afraid you’ll realize how beautiful you are and leave me. If you call me on what I said though, I’ll just make you look like you’re overly sensitive and can’t take a joke.

“Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.  You never see the good I do for you.”

Ignore the fact that I’m lying and cheating on you. You’re the one causing the problems in our relationship because all you do is focus on the negative.

I’m the victim here. If you’d just stop talking about it, everything would be fine.

“All my exes cheated on me.”

I’ve been such a victim in my past. No one appreciates me. I need you to feel sorry for me and show me how different you are. 

I’ll need you to jump through hoops for me and be understanding when I invade your privacy.

I’ll also need you to forgive me when you find out all of the horrible things I’ve done to you because I tell you how much I don’t trust anyone. You’ll give more and more as I give less and less. 

“Most girls today are just whores.”

I have sexist attitudes about women and think pretty much anything they do makes them whores. That better not be you.

This is my indirect way of telling you that I’m going to punish and condition your behavior. [Read What is Coercive Control?]

Weird Things Narcissists Say

These are the things narcissists say that make us stop and think, “Who says that???” We’re never quite sure if they’re serious or why they said it. 

“I’m a bad person.”

I’m a bad person and you should listen to me when I tell you this because when I do bad things to you, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

“I’m the sexiest guy here.”

I’m the sexiest guy here, and everyone else here is inferior to me. At the same time, I need to reassure myself of that by saying it out loud and getting people to agree with me.

“My ex-girlfriend is obsessed with me.  She’s crazy.”

She was perfectly fine when we met, but I did the same thing to her that I’ll eventually do to you and then I’ll call you crazy too. 

This is how I explain away inconsistencies in my interactions with women to the girl who is currently my #1–and how I get her to feel sorry for me.  

“I just told her what she wants to hear.” [her = one of many women revealed to also be in his life]

I just told her what she wants to hear… just as I do with you.  That’s what I do with whichever one of you I am interacting with at the moment to get what it is I want. 

“I didn’t cheat but I will now.”

You won’t stop talking about my cheating because your gut feeling is right and I’m gaslighting you.

So now I feel justified and I’m going to punish you by doing it some more, but I’m going to make you think it’s your fault for pestering me about it.

“We’ll be together again someday.  I know God will make this happen.”

I’m testing the waters to see if you’ll let me come back into your life for whatever I feel like taking.  If I keep saying this, you’ll never have closure.  It’ll never really be over. 

I never really end relationships because there might be something I want from you someday.  You’ll have to be the one to slam the door on me, otherwise, I’ll never leave. 

“How does it feel to be used?”

So.  You found out what I did again.  Why do you keep trying to unmask me?  You just won’t leave well enough alone, so, you want to know the truth? 

Yes, I used you and I’m enjoying your pain right now.  You never learn, do you?

“I know how to make you cry.”

I know everything about you, remember? You told me all your secrets at the beginning of the relationship back when I was hammering you with the greatest love you’ve ever had.

So now you’ve unmasked me. You’ve found out all my secrets.

Watch what happens now! I’m going to crush you and you’re going to feel pain worse than anything caused by what your worst enemy could ever do to you.

In fact, I am your worst enemy. Surprise!

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• If You’re in Love with a Narcissist, You’re in a Cult
• 11 Crazy Things You May Do Before Going No Contact
• How to Know When a Narcissist is Finished with You
• What a Narcissist Says About Breakups: They Never Let You Go
• Love Bombing: Signs You’re in Danger

Source

Rose, Paul. (2002). “The happy and unhappy faces of narcissism.” Personality and Individual Differences. 33(3): 379-391. Retrieved from: http://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/artvit/rose2002.pdf

The post Things Narcissists Say to Give Themselves Away appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

What is hoovering? 

Hoovering is a slang term for the return of the narcissist into your life to try to bring your relationship back from the dead. [See The Ultimate Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Who ended it?  You or the narcissist?

It doesn’t matter.  A narcissist may try to hoover, regardless of which one of you cut off contact. It doesn’t matter how nasty the end was. 

It doesn’t even matter how long ago.

Narcissists may even reappear after years or decades, declaring undying love.

Why Do Narcissists Hoover?

Hoovers are always about the ebb and flow of partners in and out of the narcissist’s life.  To understand narcissist hoovering, you also have to consider it together with the silent treatments–or the period of absence. 

If it were up to them, they would never let anyone go who they have drawn into their web.  However, that’s obviously not a possibility because they don’t have total control.  They are constantly juggling and moving people around, based on their interactions with them. 

What causes narcissists to cycle you in and out of their life?  

1. They needed to punish you or condition your behavior. 

When you have done something that threatened them, they may disappear.  They’ll return to hoover when they think you are sufficiently sorry and will accept the terms of their demand. 

For example, they may require that you never question them again about something or never see a certain friend again. 

2. They need to repair a different relationship or build a new one. 

If they need to hoover another partner they have in their current orbit, they may manufacture an argument with you to buy them time to spend with someone else. They may even block your number so you can’t contact them to make it easy to create the illusion for the other partner that you don’t even exist. 

3. The time away will assist their smear campaign.

If they are cheating and lying and acting controlling and saying hurtful things and getting into overlapping relationships, and other people in their life know it, they have to come up with an explanation to feign normalcy. 

When you aren’t around during a silent treatment, if you repeatedly try to contact them, they use your behavior to make you look obsessive and “crazy.” They plant the seeds with the smear campaign when you aren’t around that you aren’t the person they fell in love with. 

The things they are doing to you and then your reactions are being used to make others feel sorry for them so they can continue to look justified in your continued abuse.  

Their later hoovering will be blamed on you too.  

4. One of their other partners has hurt their ego.

When they come back to you, they need attention they think their current partner isn’t giving them.  Their partner may even have just done something normal like you often do.  Like called a friend or asked them who they were talking to on the phone.  Maybe it was you. 

Maybe the narcissist is punishing them by hoovering you. 

23 Signs of Narcissist Hoovering

Hoovering tactics are easy to spot and categorize, once you know what to look for.

The narcissist may intrude into your life with something that reminds you of the early love-bombing days.

You may receive a picture from the past, an excessive declaration of everything you’ve ever wanted to hear, or an elaborate promise. The hoover may also come in the form of a tempting offer so the narcissist can get a foot in the door.

Narcissists may make up something to be angry with you about, hoping you’ll respond.

Or they may try to get you to feel sorry for them so you’ll drop your guard once again. 

These are all strong plays on your emotions that they have learned how to work to their advantage. You’d love it if the narcissist would change “this time.” You really don’t want to seem cruel–because you’re not.

There is an undercurrent of manipulation through these methods. These methods are so similar and predictable, it’s worth it to question their validity.

If you’re prepared for these signs of narcissist hoovering, you can’t be caught off-guard. 

1. PROMISE OF CLOSURE:

• “I must explain something to you.” or “I need to explain everything.”
• “I’ll let you ask anything you want to.”

2. ONE MORE NIGHT:

• “I wish I could see you just one more time.”
• “I want to spend one more night together even if we can’t be together.”

3. APPEAL TO THE HEARTSTRINGS:

• “I found these pictures of us. Ah, memories.”
• [Sending me flowers]
• [Sending me a link to love songs on YouTube] (one of his favorite techniques-I had an entire playlist of songs)

4. FALSE ACCUSATIONS:

• “Someone told me you were on a dating app. I can’t believe you. It’s only been three days!”
• “I can’t believe you’re hanging out with my friend!”

5. REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES:

• “Good luck at your new job.”
• “How did your doctor’s appointment go today?”

6. JUST REACHING OUT

This example of hoovering is when narcissists do something passive to put themselves into your mind to try to encourage or provoke you into reaching out first.

• [sending blank texts]
• [putting random likes on Facebook posts]

7. CAN’T STAY AWAY:

• “I’m addicted to you.”
• “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
• “I can’t live without you.”

8. METAMORPHOSIS:

• “I know what I did was wrong and I won’t do it again.”
• “Please give me another chance.”

9. PHYSICAL OBJECTS TO RETURN:

• “I still have your Christmas presents.”
• “You left your charger at my apartment.”

10. HEARD SOME NEWS:

• “Someone told me you posted something about us.”
• “Someone showed me a picture of you on Facebook with a guy.”

11. THE APOLOGY:

• “I’m sorry, I was immature back then.”
• “I hurt you so much and now I just want to show you I can be good to you.”

12. ELABORATE PROMISES:

• “Let me take you on a trip, anywhere you want to go.”
• “I want a chance to make this right and if everything works out, I want to marry you.”

13. UPCOMING EVENTS:

• “I bought us tickets to the ______ show because I hoped you would go with me.”
• “Will you go see that movie with me when it comes out? I don’t have anyone to go with me.”

14. HERE IF YOU NEED ME:

• “Let me know if you need help moving.”
• “If you ever need me, I’ll be here even if it’s twenty years from now.”

15. OUR BOND IS TOO STRONG TO BREAK:

• “We have a connection no one else can understand and we can’t let anything break it apart.”
• “We’ll never have this again with anyone else.”
• “No one will ever love you like I do.”

16. ALONE IN THE WORLD:

• “You’re the only one I can talk to.”
• “No one cares how I feel.

17. THE REVERSE HOOVER:

• There were times I reached out to him first for various reasons for a specific purpose, such as to apologize because I hadn’t liked the way our last conversation had gone. The conversation inevitably turned to his heartbrokenness and undying love and request to see me again.

18. OUR CHILD NEEDS YOU: 

• If you have children with the narcissist, he or she may use the children as an excuse to contact you. All divorced or separated parents need to communicate about their children, but narcissists may do so in ways that make it appear as if you must respond imminently. They may contact you dramatically and cause you to worry, or they may demand to talk to one of the children immediately about something dire.

19. USING AN EMERGENCY: 

• A narcissist may reach out to you and say he or she is sick or has had a death in the family, or has otherwise fallen on hard times. If you’re a man and your partner is a woman, she may suddenly reach out and say she is pregnant.

20. BAD FEELING:

• “I had a dream that something bad happened to you.”
• “I suddenly got a bad feeling that I should reach out and make sure you were okay.”

21. HOOVER BY PROXY:

• This occurs when the narcissist gets someone else to reach out to you on his or her behalf. That person may try to persuade you that the narcissist has changed and you should give him or her another chance.   Or perhaps the narcissist has never seen the narcissist’s true colors in the first place and will accuse you of being too hard on the narcissist. Often, narcissists are able to “play the victim” with others that they know and may use that role to cast you as the one in the wrong for setting boundaries. 

22. THREATS OF SELF-HARM:

• This is an extension of #16, but takes it a step further. The narcissist actually claims that he or she will hurt himself or herself in some way if you don’t get in contact with him or her. 

When people reach out for help, it should be taken seriously.

Narcissists, however, do not seek help except when they want attention from others. They also generally do not seek treatment and do not try to gain insight into themselves to change.

This does not mean they do not feel pain–it means that they manipulate others with what they feel. If a narcissist tries to hoover you with self-harm, the best thing you can do is call 911.  

23. RELIGIOUS HOOVER:

• “I know it’s God will for us to be together.”
• “You’ve gotten away from the Lord, and that’s why you’re not responding to me anymore.” 
• “The Bible says divorce is wrong.”

Narcissist Hoovering is Manipulation 

Hoovers are deadly.

Each time you return, you lose just a little more of yourself and replace it with a piece of the narcissist, because you’ve given up trying to resist that much more.

But what is it about it that makes it uniquely a narcissistic act?

In other words, why is this discussed in the context of narcissistic abuse? Isn’t it true that in normal relationships, sometimes one of the partners tries to draw the other one back in after a breakup to try again?

A narcissist is not having an epiphany. 

When you do not respond the way they want you to, they often become angry. If you do return to the relationship, they often revert back to their previous behavior. Genuine change does not accompany their words.

What characterizes a hoover is insincerity. Hoovering is just an empty act for the narcissist to try to get what he or she wants.

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• 7 Narcissist Lies That Are Easy to Spot
• 11 Crazy Things You May Do Before Going No Contact
• How to Know When a Narcissist is Finished with You
• What a Narcissist Says About Breakups: They Never Let You Go
• Love Bombing: Signs You’re in Danger

The post Signs the Narcissist You Know is Hoovering You appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

It disarms us and is the first step in an exploitative relationship.

Love bombing almost always starts on day one in a relationship with a narcissist. It is part of the indoctrination that sets the stage for everything else that will occur during the rest of the relationship. Our emotions are used to trap us into the relationship and make it difficult to escape this narcissistic behavior.

Then it can even spill over into the rest of our lives as we try to institute no contact and then maintain it. 

What is Love Bombing?

In 1978, Sun Myung Moon, the founder of the Unification Church of the United States, also known as the Moonies, gave a speech in which he coined the term we now know as “love bombing.”  

“Unification Church members are smiling all of the time, even at four in the morning.  The man who is full of love must live that way,” he said. “What face could better represent love than a smiling face? This is why we talk about love bomb. Moonies have that kind of happy problem.”

Yet the Moonies are known to outsiders as a cult organization. Love bombing was not just a way of “being,” it was an intentional presentation of self and set of actions that they used to manipulate potential recruits into joining.

The “friendly, happy” members of the Church showered potential recruits with attention, invitations, and praise. Someone designed these positive interactions to encourage the recruits to feel welcome.  This acceptance helps them form an attachment to the other members and creates a desire to become members themselves.  

Love Bombing Sets the Stage

There are documented cases of ex-members discussing how they felt when they first met others in the Church. They thought they had found new friends who shared similar values.  They even thought they had found new potential love interests in some cases. 

Those interactions led to trust and friendship with those they met. That drew them deeper into the cult as they attended more events and meetings without realizing the group’s larger goals until it was too late.

It sometimes takes members years to leave, and they only do so on their own once the realizations sink in that those initial meetings with the cult’s members were misleading. In some cases, they have to be deprogrammed by friends and family members before leaving.

Love bombing is what sets the stage for a member to give their life over to the cult and then linger in that border-world where leaving may never be a possibility without herculean effort or intervention.

Yet love bombing is not a tactic that is exclusive to cults and manipulative groups. It is used by predatory people, such as narcissists, to groom others in interpersonal relationships for further exploitation. [Read If You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist, You’re in a Cult] 

We often don’t recognize when someone is love-bombing us because it doesn’t feel like anything that we were ever taught was dangerous.

It may feel like the best thing we’ve ever experienced in our lives.

What is Narcissist Love Bombing?

Narcissist love bombing is characterized by a period of intense positive attention that can include excessive flattery and declarations of love, mirroring, future-faking, gifts, sex, the domination of the partner’s time, and fast-tracking the relationship. [See The Ultimate Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

Love bombing takes place during the early days of the relationship. In terms of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, it is part of the idealization stage, when narcissists put their partners on a pedestal. [Read Idealization and Devaluation: Why Narcissists Flip]

Author Shahidi Arabi writes, “The idealization phase can only be described as pure, unadulterated ecstasy – both for the victim and the predator. Love-bombing – the excessive praise and flattery the predator showers on the prey – might as well be crack cocaine.”

We often overlook love bombing as dangerous because it’s so downright pleasant. Yet that’s precisely why we shouldn’t ignore it. 

It’s a set-up that is just as real, abusive, and destructive as any of the narcissist’s other actions in the relationship. 

From Love Bombing to Love Hating

As a result of narcissist love bombing, the partner can become very vulnerable to and dependent on the narcissist.

During the idealization stage, partners fall deeply in love with the narcissist and form a bond that is difficult to break. Narcissists, however, may idealize their partners, but they do not form an attachment. [Read Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated]

The narcissistic cycle of abuse comprises three stages:  idealization, devaluation, and discard stages. When the idealization stage is over, the relationship begins to deteriorate during the devaluation stage. Partners yearn to see the “person” who love-bombed them during the idealization stage once again. [Read How the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse Keeps Us from Leaving]

As with people in cults who leave on their own, to walk away from the relationship, partners must come to the painfully shattering realization that they will never see that person again. 

Narcissists do everything in their power to keep us from recognizing this. 

Signs of Narcissist Love Bombing

Narcissists love bomb to control. 

They inject us with a poisonous version of who they think we want them to be. They then push us over the edge, offering us the cure when we are near death.

Here are the signs a narcissist is love-bombing us. 

1. Claims of love very early in the relationship

Narcissists often start declaring love before they even know much about us.  That’s not love.

They use love bombing to extract the admiration and attention they need to maintain their positive view of themselves. [Read Can a Narcissist Change? And Other Questions About Narcissists]

Although they may engage in acts and show emotions that look like love, their motivations are much different than those of the rest of us.

2. Near-constant contact

Narcissists monitor our actions and whereabouts, making it seem as if they are concerned about us. Over time, this monitoring turns to control.

Before we know it, they question every action we take and have isolated us from people we love.

3. You can’t say no to them 

As soon as the real world steps in– as soon as you tell them “no,” or disagree with them about something, the mask will begin to slide.

Narcissists express anger over our disagreement is because the things they say to us as part of love bombing were always conditional. They say these things because of how we treat them, not because of who we are. 

There may be tests we have to pass during the love bombing phase to tip us off. They may tell us, “I’m a bad person,” to see how we react. Will we say, “No, you’re not,” and pull them close?

When they explode over the little things that feel like criticism to narcissists, what will we do?

Narcissist Love Bombing is Poison

Narcissists have learned that when they spin this web around their partners early, they can leave a piece inside of us for a very long time unless we rip away that image they created. 

It isn’t easy to do because we believe that we have found someone who accepts and loves us for who we are, someone who wants the best for us.  It’s hard to face that the person we have fallen in love with is manipulating our emotions to draw us closer so that we will provide them with validation to their egos.

For this reason, it seems clear that narcissist love bombing is just as abusive as more apparent forms of exploitation in the narcissistic cycle of abuse.

Love bombing is the deception that hides what is to come.  It hides the sleight-of-hand that takes place when the poison is slowly injected into us– one sweet drop at a time.

“The main difference between jerks and abusers is the idealize and grooming phase,” Jackson MacKenzie writes in Psychopath Free. “Most of us have no problem spotting nasty people– we avoid them. But psychopaths present themselves as your mirror image. A soul mate. They quickly declare that no one has ever made them so happy in their life– they compare you to past exes, holding you high above everyone else. They sniff out your vulnerabilities, insecurities, and dreams. And based on their findings, they transform their entire personalities to become your perfect match.”

Partners need to heal from the trauma of the blatant abuse. Yet without also healing from the sickness of that beautiful infection, it is doubtful they can make a complete recovery. [See How EMDR Therapy Can Help with Narcissistic Abuse]

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated
• Idealized and Devalued: Why Narcissists Flip
• How to Know When a Narcissist is Finished with You
• What a Narcissist Says About Breakups: They Never Let You Go
• Narcissist Gaslighting Examples in Romantic Relationships

Sources

Arabi, Shahidi. “Love Bombing is Crack Cocaine.” Thought Catalog. Accessed at https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/01/love-bombing-is-crack-cocaine-the-addictive-cycle-of-narcissistic-abuse/

MacKenzie, Jackson. (2015). Psychopath Free. Penguin Group, LLC.

Sun Myung Moon. (1978). “We Who Have Been Called To Do God’s Work.” Speech, London, England.

The post Narcissist Love Bombing is Like Poison appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Why?

It’s a covert form of abuse.  It only works because it’s invisible. 

No one comes out and says they’re gaslighting you. Unlike more blatant forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse, the abuser can deny they are doing something harmful to you.

This is why gaslighting is so effective.  If we have any emotional investment at all in a person who frequently gaslights us, this manipulation can create an almost insurmountable threat to our own ability to hang onto reality.

What is Gaslighting?

According to Preston Ni, author of How to Successfully Handle Gaslighters & Stop Bullying, the term gaslighting is defined as “a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.”

The abuser tries to cause confusion in the victim’s mind and convince him or her that they have a distorted view of something. 

The victim understandably becomes confused. The abuser then tries to convince the victim to adopt a different reality because it benefits the abuser somehow.  

The term gaslighting comes from a 1944 play turned film, Gaslight. In the plot, a man purposely tries to drive his wife insane by making the gaslights flicker. He then tells her that she imagines it when she points it out.

Gaslighting examples in real life may look like the “gaslight” trick in the film. For example, a very manipulative abuser may purposely hide items belonging to the victim and tell the victim that he or she misplaced them. 

However, more common examples of gaslighting occur when gaslighters try to convince their victims that something didn’t actually happen or that the victim’s emotions are not appropriate. 

The gaslighter may also try to convince others that they are the true victims in a situation when they have caused harm or been abusive. They may use gaslighting to minimize the victim’s thoughts or feelings and make them disappear.  

Gaslighting in Relationships with Narcissists

Robin Stern, Ph.D., who wrote the book The Gaslight Effect, characterizes gaslighting as a “dance” that the gaslighter and gaslighting victim do. 

To Stern, the gaslighter presents an alternate reality option, and the victim allows this alternative reality to become his or her replacement version of events. She frames the victim’s willingness to take on the abuser’s version of events as “giving over their power.”

This implies there was a conscious choice on the part of the victim.  This model for explaining how gaslighting takes place may be sufficient in some situations. 

However, there are many other situations where it falls short of explaining the dynamic.  It gives the victim more agency than they actually have in some situations.  It doesn’t take into account power imbalances between the gaslighter and the victim. 

When powerful social dynamics affect the victim, there may be a degree of coercion involved, or the gaslighting may be used with other forms of abuse, or the victim may not even be aware he or she is being gaslighted.  

For example, Stern’s model can’t explain gaslighting by an authoritarian leader over a larger group or a cult.  It certainly doesn’t explain parent-child gaslighting abuse. 

It also doesn’t offer an adequate explanation for workplace gaslighting between a supervisor and employee.

Finally, it doesn’t explain gaslighting in relationships with narcissists, where the narcissist is has deceived the partner about his or her exploitative nature.

Why Do Narcissists Gaslight?

In relationships with narcissists, the narcissists who gaslight may deny, provide conflicting information, or lie repeatedly, all in direct contradiction to what someone can perceive with their own eyes or ears.  [Read: 7 Narcissist Lies That Are Easy to Spot]

Narcissists almost always combine gaslighting with other coercive tactics to manipulate the partner into accepting the narcissist’s reality.

H.G. Tudor, a self-aware narcissist, has a well-written article in which he explains that there are two levels of “defense” narcissists will employ when confronted with a challenge to their control.  

He argues that narcissists will first resort to denial. Then if confronted with evidence, they will distract and deflect. This defense on the narcissist’s part results in gaslighting to the partners. 

No matter how they gaslight us–whether through anger, charm, blameshifting, stonewalling, or some other method, it always comes down to maintaining control. [See The Ultimate Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary to review unfamiliar terms]

The narcissist maintains control by forcing the partner to accept the narrative that he or she has laid out.

Even when the partner fights back and insists that the narcissist is lying, the narcissist still maintains control by receiving narcissistic supply.  The narcissist will never admit to being wrong.

Gaslighting, when used by narcissists and combined with other emotionally abusive tactics, is designed to convince us of three things:

1. Our own perceptions are wrong.
2. Letting go of our perceptions and adopting theirs is harmless or even a good thing.
3. Fighting to hold onto our perceptions indicates that something is wrong with us and will bring negative consequences.

Ni states that there is a spectrum of harm when it comes to the effects of gaslighting.  On one end of the spectrum, a power imbalance can result when a gaslighter can convince a victim to adopt their version of events.   

On the other end, the gaslighter controls the victim’s thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Victims in this situation no longer trust their own judgment or are able to make their own decisions. They rely on the gaslighter to function.

Narcissist Gaslighting Examples in Romantic Relationships

Gaslighting is a favorite tactic of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It is arguably a core feature of narcissistic abuse, characterized under a broader heading of “Deception.”  The role of deception has special significance in our relationships with them. [Read: Narcissistic Abuse is a Dangerous Cocktail of Three Types of Emotional Abuse]

Relationships with narcissists typically cycle through four stages: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. [Read:  How the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Keeps Us from Leaving]

In each stage, narcissists treat their partners differently. Partners of narcissists are exposed to different forms of gaslighting in each stage. The effects of gaslighting will be different as well.   

Review the gaslighting examples below to learn how narcissists use it to maintain control at different stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle. 

Gaslighting Example #1 

Stage 1: Idealization  

Narcissists’ love-bombing characterizes the idealization stage. Love-bombing can consist of praise and declarations of love, elaborate gifts and future promises, and a creeping control over the partner’s time and physical space.  [Read: Why Love-Bombing is the Most Dangerous Stage of Narcissistic Abuse]

Allie: Have you talked to your sister lately?

Kevin:  Yeah, last night, when I was at the gym, she texted me.

Allie: I thought you said you haven’t been to the gym since last week?

Kevin: No, I said I didn’t get to go to the gym last week.

Allie: Oh… okay. 

Analysis:

Assume that in this scenario, Allie’s memory is correct. She is willing to give Kevin the benefit of the doubt, however.

She considers that she may have heard him wrong the first time he brought up the gym. It’s early in the relationship, and she has no reason to doubt him. And, after all, why would someone lie about that?

Gaslighting Example #2

Stage 2: Devaluation

The devaluation stage occurs when narcissists treat their partner as if he or she has fallen off the pedestal. Narcissists will engage in various abusive tactics that grow increasingly more harmful and intense. 

Kevin: I didn’t see your text until I got home. I was out with my friends.

Allie: You said your boss kept you working late.

Kevin: She did, but then I went with my friends after. 

Allie: Why didn’t you tell me you were going out with your friends?

Kevin: I did. When I told you about my boss keeping me late, I told you I would be going with my friends when I got off work.

Allie: You said you were working late, so why didn’t you just tell me you went out with your friends? 

Kevin: I did. What more do you want? You’re always trying to catch me doing something wrong, aren’t you? 

Analysis:

In this stage, Allie is no longer giving Kevin the benefit of the doubt. This is because she now has many memories of Kevin’s words not matching up over time.  When his initial lie doesn’t immediately work, and she continues to question him, he escalates his attempts to gaslight her. 

His indignant response to her questions is a form of contempt that characterizes the devaluation stage. By accusing her of trying to find fault with him, he shifts the focus from his lie to her actions, making her attempts to reconcile reality seem as if something is wrong with her.  

These attempts to punish her for not accepting his version of events is designed to condition her into not speaking up.

Gaslighting Example #3 

Stage 3: Discard 

During the discard stage, narcissists turn on the partner completely. They display only hostility just before abandoning the relationship with little empathy for the partner.

Kevin: My ex-girlfriend is in town and has asked me to get a drink with her after work.

Allie: What? You told me she cheated on you with your best friend, and you never wanted to talk to her again. I thought you said you blocked her from even contacting you? I don’t understand.

Kevin: Where did you get that idea? I never said I had her blocked. At least she never got jealous like this.

Allie: No, I’m not jealous about it…it’s just that’s what you said… I have the text messages you sent me where you said– 

Kevin: Wow. You would do anything to prove me wrong.

Allie: But why would you say–

Kevin: That’s it. I’m done with you. All you do is pick at me. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I’m sick of this. You just can’t be happy, can you? [He walks out and ignores all of her text messages and calls] 

Analysis:

Kevin has now escalated the gaslighting to the point where he has made himself the victim of Allie’s actions.  Just by asking Kevin about the discrepancy between his actions and words, she has challenged his dominance in his eyes.

Allie now must choose between holding onto her own reality and trying to avoid Kevin’s wrath. Kevin will not allow her to do both.  By walking out, he has given her a stark choice: accept this horribly blatant discrepancy in what he has said or be attacked, rejected, and treated as if she doesn’t exist. 

In combination with one another, Kevin’s actions are very effective, and Allie begins to absorb the idea that she is to blame for all of the issues in the relationship. What Kevin said and what’s really going on never get addressed. 

Gaslighting Example #4

Stage 4: Hoovering

When narcissists return to the partner to entice him or her back into the relationship, this is called the hoovering stage. [Read: Why Narcissists Hoover]

Narcissists will often engage with the partner as if none of the abuse happened. Sometimes they return to the loving persona the partner remembers from the beginning of the relationship.

Kevin: I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been so upset while we weren’t talking that I was drinking every single night.

Allie: Earlier in this conversation, you said you hadn’t had a drink in a month. 

Kevin: Are you trying to say I haven’t been upset?

Allie: No… I just… thought that when I asked you how you’d been doing, you said you were trying to clean up, and you hadn’t been drinking. 

Kevin: Why are you bringing that up right now? Who cares? That’s not even what I said.

Allie: But…

Kevin: Forget it. I was trying to tell you how much I love you and miss you, and you obviously don’t feel the same way.

Allie:  No, no, no. I do.  Nevermind. 

Analysis:

Allie is suffering from cognitive dissonance and has developed a trauma bond with Kevin. He has flipped the script and used gaslighting to sow doubt about her judgment and sanity.

It is easier to accept his gaslighting because his absence has created anxiety and a sense of loss in her that is extremely painful.

Knowledge of Gaslighting Examples is Power

We often take for granted that everyone agrees that basic facts are true, by definition. 

We assume that others with whom we share our lives will share a collaborative story with us about events that affect us both, even if we disagree on how those events made us feel.  

Victims of gaslighting, however, have their reality erased. 

They may feel confused, but they eventually accept a different version of events. This gives the gaslighter control over their perception of reality and, over time, a lot more.

Learning how to recognize gaslighting examples in our lives requires us to observe and compare someone’s words and actions across multiple situations when something doesn’t seem right. 

We then find ourselves mentally wrestling with what to believe.  When we weigh those factors consciously, we may think about the person’s intent and how well we remember what happened. We may even consider whether the time spent thinking about it is even worth it.

It is.

The first step to avoiding becoming a victim of gaslighting yourself (or removing from your life a person who is gaslighting you) is to understand how gaslighting examples work.

Sources

Ni, Preston. (2017). 8 Signs That Someone is in a Relationship with a Gaslighter. Psychology Today. Located at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201702/8-signs-someone-is-in-relationship-gaslighter

Stern, Robin. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. New York: Harmony.

Tudor, H.G. (2017) “The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence.” Located at https://narcsite.com/2017/07/23/the-narcissists-twin-lines-of-defence/

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If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• Types of Narcissists: The Ultimate Guide
• How Narcissists Use Cognitive Dissonance to Control Us
• How to Get Over a Narcissist: You Absolutely Must Do This
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• We Can’t Leave a Narcissist Until We Go Through These 5 Stages

The post Narcissist Gaslighting Examples in Romantic Relationships appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Here are some ways to survive the narcissist during the holiday season and make it through to the next year with your sanity intact.

Even if you’re in no-contact, it’s important to keep in mind that holidays are a prime season for trying to pull ex-partners back into the web. Therefore, I’ve included a special section on how to arm yourself against the holiday hoover. [Read: Why Narcissists Hoover]

Why Narcissists Ruin Holidays

There are three important things to realize that can set you free.  

1. Narcissists ruin holidays because it’s in their best interest.
2. You can’t control what the narcissist does, you can only prepare and respond to his or her behavior.
3. You will need to prepare to have a happy and peaceful holiday season anyway, regardless of the tantrums he or she throws.

I know that what you really want is to have a peaceful holiday season and to have a loving relationship with your partner. You want your partner to stop abusing you, stop devaluing you, and stop starting arguments over ridiculous things–and not just over the holidays but every day.

This desire that we have is exactly how the narcissist is able to hurt and abuse us.

They do this by getting our hopes up that this year things will be different.

Or by making us believe that if we only do [x] or if we would have done [x], he or she would have not done whatever it was that threw everything into turmoil. We begin blaming ourselves for the holiday chaos when it isn’t our fault! 

Maybe he or she just makes underhanded comments, waiting to see our reaction. We get that familiar feeling inside. Should we say something, risk being called too sensitive, risk open hostility and ridicule? Or just shut down and not feel anything at all?

The holidays.  When you’re with a narcissist, we associate emotions with them that should never be associated with them in the first place.

Other resources exist that can help you to come to terms with the idea that the narcissist cannot be who we wish they were and to grieve over this fact. 

This article has a different purpose. It exists to help you get through a certain time period. Its purpose is to help you predict what will happen temporarily even if you can’t accept their behavior long-term.

Preparing ahead of time may help you to have a little peace in your life this holiday season.

How to Deal with a Narcissist During the Holidays

Knowing narcissists try to ruin holidays and you can’t control them can help you detach from how they behave. Detachment is the key to each of the survival ideas presented below. 

1. Determine your own goal or intended outcome for each holiday event or activity and then set your boundaries accordingly.

If there are parties or family events you want to attend, or you have traditions that you want to uphold, by all means, make your plans–and then keep them.  

You may make the plans with the narcissist, but then if the narcissist doesn’t keep them, do not let him or her make you feel bad if you go anyway.  

Also, if the narcissist tries to take you to an activity and then covertly abuse you, leave. You’re under no obligation to make nice just because it’s the holiday season. 

2. Check the facts mentally when the narcissist states or does something that appears manipulative.

The thing to remember is that narcissists are often manipulative, so you may be checking the facts a lot. 

Because the holidays provide narcissists special opportunities to manipulate you and your emotions, however, it’s a good idea to be especially aware of anything that seems unusual. 

Has the narcissist been especially nice when he or she has been in a devalue phase?  Or, has the narcissist begun to devalue you when previously he or she was treating you with kindness?  

Is the narcissist starting arguments more frequently?  Is the narcissist walking out and giving you the silent treatment?  There is a reason for everything.

You don’t necessarily need to become a detective because it ultimately doesn’t matter. (I know–easier said than done, right?) 

But maybe the holidays can provide you a respite from those feelings of anxiety as well by dropping a special blanket of protection over this time period and encouraging you to react differently, even if they are up to their same old tricks.

You can try to stay grounded during this time–for the traditions you had before you met the narcissist that you want to hold onto, your family and children, and especially for yourself.  

3. Be prepared for disappointment. 

The narcissist may make grand promises, but take everything he or she says with a grain of salt.

If they don’t follow through, don’t give them the satisfaction of having a negative reaction in front of them. 

4. Try to see the narcissist as sad and pathetic instead of being hurt by his or her actions. 

When you feel joy at something that doesn’t involve him or her, they may try to bring you down instead of sharing in your pleasure or trying to be part of it.

It appears to make no sense–but try to remember that narcissists are often envious of other people’s happiness. They gain narcissistic supply when your attention focuses on them. 

If they can’t receive your positive attention, they may try to get it by causing you pain and then returning your focus to it once again. 

You don’t need to feel pity for them at this time (or ever). They are good at turning your empathy into an opportunity to exploit you. And I’m not suggesting that their actions don’t sting. 

Yet can you see them for what they are? Pathetic attempts to project their shame and despair onto you? Yes, it’s sad that we can’t share our joy with someone we love during this time and it’s okay to feel that, but we don’t have to own their emotions.

5. Don’t change your behavior to keep the peace–and expect that the peace will be broken.

Narcissists like to use threats and promises about how smoothly the holidays (or any special days) will go to keep you in line.

“I’m not going if you’re just going to bring that up. I told you she’s the one who keeps texting me. I can’t do anything about it. You’re ruining the whole surprise I had planned.”

“You didn’t text me back. You weren’t really out shopping. Who is he?”

“You never appreciate anything I do for you.” [storming out and giving you a silent treatment when you ask why he or she didn’t show up to your family dinner]

“I was going to propose to you on Christmas Eve, but you don’t trust me so now I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Notice how no matter what you do, the narcissist will find something to be unhappy about. 

You can decide to say nothing to the narcissist about anything you notice that seems off just to try to avoid confrontation, and it won’t make any difference.

That’s because even if you go about your normal life and the narcissist will start conflict himself or herself.  The narcissist will always find something about your behavior to be unhappy with because he or she is envious, jealous, and insecure and does not see you as an equal, deserving of worth and dignity. 

The more you curb your own behavior, the more the narcissist will demand that you do it.  

When the narcissist acts this way, don’t think of him* as reacting to your behavior. Think of him reacting to his own internal mental constructs that have nothing to do with you–and then continue to behave as you normally would.

You may not get any answers. The narcissist may back out of plans (see above), but this is how you maintain your own identity within the relationship.

How to Deal with Hoovering during the Holidays

If you are no longer with the narcissist and are in no-contact, you should be aware that holidays are still something you should be preparing for. Narcissists like to use the sentimental value of the holiday season to hoover. [Read: 23 Narcissist Hoovering Tactics to Watch Out For]

The best preparation is to have a plan in advance.  Can you answer these three questions?

1. What will you do to try to avoid receiving a hoover in the first place? 

Is the narcissist’s number blocked?  If not, do it now. Are there other things you can do to try to prevent it from even happening?

2. How will you do to handle it if you do receive it? 

List at least three things that you will do if it happens.  These should be things that do not involve contact with the narcissist–the goal is not to get involved. 

Maybe you can talk with a friend about it.  You may want to write out what you would say if you were going to talk to the narcissist. 

If it’s a phone call, you may envision yourself hanging up or come up with something you will say before disconnecting the call.  If it’s written contact, you may throw it in the trash without reading.

The idea is to come up with things that work for you.

3. What will you do to handle the emotional impact of receiving it?

Again, list at least three things you will do to take care of your emotions.  You can’t pretend it didn’t happen, and you’ll have to deal with the fallout.

Will you go to the gym and work out your anxiety or anger?  Talk it out with someone? Do something that really makes you feel empowered or cared for?

It’s probably a good idea to list things that you can do immediately, as well as things that you can do longer-term. 

If you are not in no-contact with the narcissist, but you’ve instituted grey rock, the same three questions still apply.  If they want to suddenly make a play for you again, you need to think about preparing for it. 

How are you going to guard against that happening in the first place?  What will you do if it happens?  How will you care for your emotions if it does?

You may not come up with the same answers as if you were not in contact with the narcissist at all. You can still prepare in much the same ways.

Don’t Let Narcissists Ruin Your Holidays

It may appear in some of my suggestions about how to survive as if they are getting their way.

What the suggestions are intended to offer, however, is the opposite. They are intended to provide you with ways to mentally challenge what it is they desire so that they aren’t able to control you during this time. 

It is heartbreaking that we must detach in these ways from someone we love and with whom we want to share our happiness. Yet this is how we protect ourselves from more pain. 

I wish you love and peace this holiday season.  Take care of yourself. Don’t let the narcissist in your life take that away from you.

Want more? Get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

Don’t forget to check out these free resources:

• Taking Your Life Back After a Relationship With a Narcissist – Recovery Toolkit
• Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary
• The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

*A male pronoun is used to preserve the sentence structure. Please substitute the appropriate gender pronoun for your situation, if necessary.

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