The very fact that you are questioning your actions toward your kid is proof you are not automatically a self-absorbed parent yourself. Narcissistic parents usually do not doubt their way of doing things, as they consider it to be the only right way to do them.

If you recognize some of your parents’ attitudes and behaviors in yourself, you may experience guilt or confusion regarding your role as a parent, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you became a narcissist yourself.

Below are four of the most common characteristics of a narcissistic parent in order for you to answer some of your parenting-related questions or to better understand your own childhood experience.

Four Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents

1. Closed to dialogue

Narcissistic parents are highly intolerant to a different point of view and are not open to receiving any feedback on their behavior. They rarely acknowledge their behavior as a contributor to problems (Duffy & Jaquin, 2017).  They tend to become offended by remarks others make about them and can react aggressively.

In relationships with their child, narcissistic parents are not willing to listen and understand their kids and are deeply self-absorbed. This interpersonal encounter leaves no space for the child to explore and form an identity.

2. Lack of empathy

Their sense of entitlement and grandiosity make narcissistic parents unaware of the needs and emotions of others.

They frequently use hurtful language, act inappropriately, and tend to cross boundaries. This may present itself in disproportionate reactions to rejection, controlling behavior, the attempt to socially isolate their children, and a lack of consideration for their feelings and expressions.

People who were raised by parents with narcissistic tendencies may recall criticism and inconsiderate behaviors as part of the parenting they received.

3. Inconsistent behavior

As stated by Rappoport (2005), narcissistic parents tend to be intrusive and controlling in some aspects of their children’s lives and completely neglectful in others.

Usually, they try to impose their choice or opinion on decisions that will affect their child’s social status and are absent when it comes to their emotional needs. Also, narcissistic parents could seem warm and helpful at times, if that serves them a certain purpose, and switch back to control.

These actions leave children confused and insecure, and with the sense that they cannot count on their parents for support.

4. Use of punishments

Narcissistic people are entirely intolerant to others’ points of view and they will punish their children when their thoughts or actions don’t fit within that window of tolerance.

The punishments can come in various forms, from physical and verbal abuse to intense outbursts of anger or emotional withdrawal. A typical punishment may be the use of guilt and emotional manipulation that makes the child openly responsible for their parent’s comfort.

Narcissistic parents use these punishments in order to alter their child’s behavior to match their requirements and not challenge their view (Rappoport, 2005).

Alan Rappoport (2005) affirms that we are all narcissists or co-narcissists (finding excuses and complying with the narcissist’s requirements) to some degree and at certain times.

As a parent, you may find yourself behaving more controlling than you’d like to or being less empathetic and nurturing than what you’d expected. It is normal for those moments to exist and they usually are not devastating for your child’s development.

The trouble appears when those behaviors and attitudes are constant in your life and they interfere with your and your child’s daily wellbeing.

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If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• What Narcissistic Parents Say to Crush Your Self-Worth
• What is Gray Rock? How to Deal with a Narcissist
• 7 Narcissist Lies That Are Easy to Spot
• Divorcing a Narcissist: How They Use the ‘System’ Against You
• How Your Narcissistic Mother Affects Your Relationship
• The Unlucky 13 Different Types of Narcissism

Sources

Roppoport, A. (2005). Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents. The Therapist

Duffy, L., J., and Jacquin, K., M. (2017). The Psychological and Legal Risks for Children of Narcissistic Parents. Fielding Graduate University, American College of Forensic Psychology.

The post Am I a Narcissistic Parent? 4 Ways to Know appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Positive talk contributes to a balanced way of thinking and processing information. On the other hand, directive, cold talk alters kids’ sense of safety and self-esteem.

Narcissistic parents excel at making their kids feel unimportant, and language is one of the most powerful tools by which they do this. Unresolved self-esteem issues caused by harsh talk can continue when children become adults and turn into trust and communication difficulties. [Read Things Narcissists Say to Give Themselves Away]

In this article, you’ll find out more about the phrases and attitudes that narcissistic parents use in interactions with their children that cause these problems and how they impact their child’s emotional wellbeing.

The Harmful Messages of Narcissistic Parents

“You’re wrong to feel or think that way.”

Dr. Les Carter (2008), author of Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me, studies the speech tendencies of narcissists.  This phrase expresses the grandiosity and lack of empathy that are specific to this way of functioning. [Read: The Unlucky 13 Different Types of Narcissism]

When narcissistic parents say this to their children, they send a message that their kid’s needs are different from what the parent thinks they should be. Children learn their own impulses and judgments are irrelevant or wrong. 

Continually exposed to such a speech, the kid will learn that he is not allowed to have an opinion. Instead, they believe they should rely on someone else to verify the accuracy of their thoughts.

“It is imperative that you meet my needs and requests.”

According to Carter, narcissists have a very clear idea of how they should be treated. It is unacceptable to them when those expectations are not met–even when it comes to their children.

They may say things such as, “If you don’t do that, I will be hurt” or “If you behave that way, I will be very happy” with an attitude of entitlement.

A child raised under such influence can become an adult who is people-pleasing. They may always put others’ needs in front of their own.

“I can’t believe you think that way. It’s so stupid.”

Since they lack empathy, narcissists will not hesitate to use verbal insults toward others. What narcissists say is especially hurtful when it’s a response to an open display of emotions. 

Emotional outbursts or expressions are normal for children. When the child experiences a powerful feeling, their narcissistic parent’s rigid response can invalidate their whole reality. This can make them feel insignificant.

A child who did not receive proper validation when confronted with big emotions will be untrusting with any environment. She may have trouble asking for help and consider herself unworthy of affection.

“I help you, so you will help me.”

Narcissistic parents will show affection and openness to their children as long as it serves a personal purpose for them.

For example, they can be very affectionate and caring in public to maintain a certain image. The narcissistic parent will use their friendly behavior later to obtain advantages, like specific behaviors or help from their kids.

If you recognize this as a general practice your parents used during your childhood, you may now be experiencing trust issues, low self-esteem, difficulties expressing yourself, and fear of abandonment.

“If you compare me to other parents, I am way better than most of them.”

This is a phrase narcissists use in various forms to minimize the child’s experience and to avoid receiving feedback. [Read: Word Salad: When Talking is a Narcissist’s Weapon]

If their kid or adolescent comes to them with a complaint, they are likely to address it in a manner that will imply the message, “You have no right to complain, not about me.” 

This kind of discussion may leave the kid questioning his own intentions. The child may have feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.

These thoughts and emotions could come up later as intimacy difficulties and self-esteem struggles.

What Narcissist Parents Say Matters

What narcissist parents say to their kids becomes their own inner voice and a model for experiencing the world.

If that inner voice is constantly telling you that others are more important and you are not worthy of love or even attention, your body and psyche will react with depressive episodes, intense anxiety, communication, and relationship problems.

If you identify constant negative self-talk, you should know it is possible to change your inner voice to be more balanced and realistic.

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• 7 Narcissist Lies That Are Easy to Spot
• Narcissist Gaslighting Examples in Romantic Relationships
• Idealization and Devaluation: Why Narcissists Flip
• The Unlucky 13 Different Types of Narcissism
• A Letter to the Narcissist Who Destroyed Me

Source 

Carter, Les (2008). Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life. Jossey-Bass, San Francisco.

The post What Narcissist Parents Say to Crush Your Self-Worth appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Our early relationship with our parents has a long-term effect on the way we perceive ourselves, the world, and other social interactions: work, school, friendships, or romantic relationships.

The relationship with our mother is significant because it implies a natural, powerful bond that is usually nurturing for the child.

Unfortunately, it’s the opposite with narcissistic mothers–the child is held responsible for meeting the mother’s needs. This kind of childhood interaction can lead to low self-esteem, intimacy and trust issues, a flawed sense of self, and indecisive behavior. It can be devastating for our future relationships.

There are four important relational implications for adults of having a narcissistic mother.

4 Ways Your Narcissistic Mother Impacts Your Relationship

1. Insecurities about the partners and themselves

If you were raised in a narcissistic family, you might struggle with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy in your romantic relationships. You may also live with the fear your partner will leave you. [Read: 5 Signs You Have Been Raised by Narcissistic Parents]

Iona Monk, who studied children of narcissistic parents, found that, as adults, they often feel overly responsible for any inconvenience in the relationships.

2. Feeling uncomfortable with intimacy

According to Monk, you may also feel uneasy giving and receiving affection. Adult children of narcissistic mothers experience intense distress when expressing their emotions and opening up to their partners.

You may even reject possible partners out of fear of intimacy or play the role of someone else in the relationship. These feelings are probably generated by a fragile sense of self and strong insecurities acquired due to a narcissistic mother.

3. Being easily bored in the relationship and breaking up hastily

Monk found that being raised by narcissistic parents teaches children that their sole purpose is to make efforts to obtain their significant other’s love as adults.

As a child, of course, the love from the parent is never obtained.

If you had a narcissistic mother, you grew up with the constant struggle to gain her love.  When you encounter a stable, calm relationship, you may become bored or uninterested.

If your partner has become close and affectionate with you, it may turn you off. There’s no need for those efforts from you anymore, and you may feel that you have no purpose or don’t know how to act. You may be the one to end the relationships in order to avoid being rejected.

You may frequently chase after new partners but end things as soon as they become serious or intimate. [Read: 8 Signs You’re Ready to Date Again After Narcissistic Abuse]

4. Unrealistic expectations for yourself, your partner, and the relationship

Adults that were raised by narcissistic mothers or caregivers tend to have very high standards for themselves and to be hard on themselves when those standards are not met.

Many adults with narcissist mothers may put all of their happiness into one aspect of their life, sometimes the romantic relationship. This puts a lot of pressure on the person, their partner, and the relationship itself.

You may feel as if it is unacceptable to show vulnerability of any kind, from expressing the need to take a break to strong emotional outbursts.

You may also believe your significant other should be aware of your needs even when they did not know what you needed.

Monk claims this is a natural mechanism of the young child who cannot express his/her needs, but they are usually intuitively satisfied by the nurturing mother.

This basic need is likely not to have been met by the narcissistic mother, and you may continue to search for that connection throughout your life—until you recognize this pattern and work through the trauma.

Healing from Narcissistic Mothers is Possible

Romantic partnerships are often difficult for adult children of narcissistic mothers because they are required to use a language they were not taught as children: connection and intimacy.

Many narcissistic abuse survivors work through their trauma with the support of an understanding significant other and professional help.

It is absolutely possible to have a healthy relationship despite your parents’ approach to the world, with a lot of patience, social support, and perseverance.

Join the community to get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated
• What Narcissistic Parents Say to Crush Your Self-Worth
• How to Know When a Narcissist is Finished with You
• What is Word Salad? When Talking is a Narcissist’s Weapon
• Love Bombing: Signs You’re in Danger

Source 

Monk, I., R. (2001). Adult children of covertly narcissistic families: a look at their romantic relationships. Master of Arts Thesis. University of British Columbia, Department of Educational and Counselling Psychology and Special Education. Canada.

The post How a Narcissistic Mother Affects Your Relationship appeared first on Fairy Tale Shadows.

Narcissism is a broad term that describes not just a clinical diagnosis. It’s also a set of behaviors, attitudes, and language that involves a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, aggression toward others, and shallow emotions. 

If this description already reminds you of one of your parents’ behavior, continue reading to check if your adult emotional issues result from parental narcissism.

What is Parental Narcissism? 

As J.N. Leggio, Ph.D., states in his doctoral thesis, parental narcissism is considered an “excessive self-absorption where the needs of the parent take precedence over the needs of the children.” Narcissistic parents are often referred to as emotionally unavailable for their kids.

Parental narcissism implies a whole network of gestures, actions, and verbal expressions. This behavior suppresses the child’s independence, individuality, and self-worth.

Children are not yet equipped with all the physical, emotional, and mental tools to face the world and need a lot of support from adults.  They especially need this support from their parents.

To provide the support means exercising empathy and patience, which people with narcissistic tendencies are unwilling or able to provide.

For many narcissists who become parents, the child becomes a threat to their independence and self-esteem. The narcissist parent may belittle or ignore the child or transform the child into an extension of them.

Signs You Have Been a Victim of Parental Narcissism

1. You have a vague sense of self/identity.

Leggio stated that adult children of narcissistic parents do not get to form a whole, stable identity of their own.

You may have low self-esteem caused by living with the idea that you are not as important as your parent. You may also struggle with depression, as you find it hard to find personal meaning for your life.

A faulty sense of self can translate to feelings of severe confusion, a distorted body image, and difficulties relating to others.

2. You may be submissive or people-pleasing in relationships.

Leggio also writes about the tendency of adult children of narcissistic parents to gloss over their own needs to please others.

This tendency may result from being taught that you are not allowed to have your own problems or feelings. Instead, you may learn that you should only be concerned with the parent’s wellbeing.

You may have grown up into an adult who only values themselves based on the capacity to be what others require you to be. 

3. You tend to personalize external events or behaviors.

In her book, Nina W. Brown, Children of the Self-Absorbed states that having a childhood dominated by a narcissistic parent can cause someone to develop a tendency to take things personally.

This relationship between narcissistic parenting and hypersensitivity may be especially true when it involves self-image.

When there’s no solid identity and self-esteem depends on the exterior, any remark or small gesture can become a threat to your value.

If you have been raised in a narcissistic household, receiving a critique could open a painful wound.

4. At times, you may exhibit some narcissistic behaviors in relationships.

The innate ability to imitate is the foundation of learning in early childhood. Based on this early imitation, an adult who had narcissistic parents can display narcissistic behaviors in their own life.

The need to compensate for neglect and feeling insignificant can lead you to dishonesty, gaslighting, manipulative behaviors, and difficulty with emotional closeness in relationships. [Read Narcissist Gaslighting Examples in Romantic Relationships]

If you can recognize this kind of behavior in yourself, you are one step closer to healing.

5. You may engage in risky and self-destructive behaviors.

Leggio identifies risky behaviors as a sign of narcissistic abuse from a parent. He states that substance abuse or self-harming could result from growing up with a subtle sense that you are not wanted. You may feel your existence is a burden.

With a fragile sense of self, you may not value your physical or emotional integrity properly. As a result, you engage in rather dangerous activities.

Healing from an abusive narcissistic relationship is hard work and requires many resources, but it is possible.

If you recognized the consistent presence of one or more of these signs in your life, you are on the road to recovery.

Specialized assistance could help you develop a sense of identity, purpose, and self-worth.

Sources

Brown, Nina, W. (2008). Children of the self-absorbed: a grown-up’s guide to getting over narcissistic parents. 2nd edition. New Harbinger Publications Inc.

Leggio, J., N. (2018). Mental health outcomes for adult children of narcissistic parents. Adler School of Professional Psychology, ProQuest Dissertations Publishing.

Join the community and get more articles like this one delivered straight to your inbox. 

If you like this article, you’ll also enjoy these:

• Types of Narcissists: The Ultimate Guide
• How Narcissists Use Cognitive Dissonance to Control Us
• How to Get Over a Narcissist: You Absolutely Must Do This
• What a Narcissist Says About Breakups: They Never Let You Go
• We Can’t Leave a Narcissist Until We Go Through These 5 Stages

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