Final sentence: *shame subsides, not “same”

After a two-month ghosting that began in the middle of a text conversation, I heard from him again this past Tuesday. I couldn’t believe it. I was doing so well, feeling happy, eating, sleeping, and enjoying life. And there he was – he’d come up with a story that he did what he did to protect us, just as the first time he went silent and claimed he’d done it because he knew I needed time to think. It nearly killed him, but he did it for me (eye roll). I was at once elated *and* dejected that he’d written. As if flipping a switch, I lost my appetite, stopped sleeping, started crying, and began taking Clonazepam again. Over a course of three days, I lost four lbs.

I responded to him somewhat distantly but also kindly. He probably couldn’t believe how easy I was to manipulate. I was so excited that he was back in my life, and I had fantasies of our early days when he made me feel like the most beautiful, adored, intelligent woman on the planet. But then something came over me, and I knew I had to stop this madness. In a moment of strength, I texted him this message: “Dennis, I’m giving you a heads up that I am going to block your number. I didn’t block before because I didn’t plan to hear from you. You claim there’s a good reason you disappeared, but we both know there’s no good reason not to give an explanation first. Your most recent re-emergence has confirmed to me that you don’t have a place in my life anymore, so I’m closing the door on this unhealthy dynamic. You may not believe this, but I’m not angry with you, I’m glad you are okay, and I wish you well. This is why I’m giving you something you never gave me – the respect of an explanation for why I am no longer in your life.” And then I blocked him.

I feel strong for taking that step but also angry at myself because I have closed the one avenue through which he can contact me. As a violent offender, he knows that any steps he takes that could be perceived as harassment could cause complications in his life. How can I miss this person whose actions against others and myself are so vile? How can my opinion of myself be so low? As I reread this post, I’m disgusted by the person who wrote it more so than I am by him.

Wendy, maybe my guy makes yours look like a saint, but I promise you their MOs of narc behaviour were the same. Thanks for having the courage to tell your story. I hope to tell mine in full someday once the same subsides.

Hey Jessica, trust what you feel about your situation. If things don’t feel honest or how they are supposed to feel, then trust what you are sensing, you’re experience is valid and important even if someone else makes you question that. If you end up feeling more confused, guilty or bad after trying to discuss any of this with your partner then it’s possible you are being gaslighted (research if you don’t know this term yet, it’s really helpful to know about, and incredibly common).

Whether or not someone is a narcissist is besides the point, if you feel like things aren’t ok then something is wrong. Reach out to anyone around you that you trust and speak to them, make sure you are not alone with this. You may never get a straight answer from your partner if they are a narcissist or toxic person, and it’s possible they’ll try to turn everything round on you which is why it’s so important to have people around you that can support you with this experience. I’ve found this website + watching Dr. Ramani videos on youtube. Also many of us do begin to mirror toxic behaviour when in relationship with a toxic person, so this could be why you are questioning whether you’re a narcissist. I think the fact you’re on this website and struggling with knowing whether you’re being lied to in your relationship is a very good signal that you are not the narcissist in this situation. I really hope you can find some clarity and support. Do comment again if you have any questions about anything i’ve written.