Thank you! Yes, it is striking how similar all of our stories are. That’s why I think there is so much power in our sharing them with each other.

In addition, I am still awestruck by the fact that for people who’ve never had a relationship with a narc, our stories seem alien; yet for those who have, it’s all too familiar. This article is a great example. I’m male, and was never complimented about beauty. But I can cross out that one word, and fill in the blank with what she used instead, and this article instantly becomes my own story. Just that easily.

I agree with everything you have said. It IS complicated. And very individual. I do take the time to understand not just how, but why I allowed myself to get into that 4+ year relationship that nearly destroyed me. I DO blame myself (maybe it’s that Catholic “guilt” thing!). What I really appreciate about you, Kristen, is your willingness to share your experience and knowledge to help others. I guess I just have to “get over it”. You know how difficult that can be. Every time you post, I read. You have valuable insight for me. Many thanks.

Hello. I’m so glad you’re here and thank you for your comments tonight. From what I understand, the factors that determine why people are victimized are very complicated. There seems to be no clear pattern as to what the pasts of victims are like, and it may be an oversimplification to say that all of them had self-esteem issues before the relationships began. One way I have heard it described that seems to make sense is that whatever weaknesses or insecurities that a person had, a narcissist will figure out how to exploit. For some it could be self-esteem issues due to previous victimization or other experiences, but for others it might be something else such as a need a person has that the narcissist meets. The reason why I like this way of conceptualizing it is because it keeps the focus on the narcissist’s negative behavior, while also being general enough to explain what happens in the relationship without stereotyping victims into a category that may not fit. Since everyone has weaknesses and insecurities, taking time to understand how they were exploited can ensure it doesn’t happen again. I bring this up because I don’t want to see you or others blame themselves for being taken advantage of by someone else. It is not your fault. Thank you again for reading my blog.

My ex used to say to me, “You’re beautifully flawed.”
What do you make of that one?
Cynthia