Living Through and Recovering From a Relationship with a Narcissist

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Thorny Marriage by Lynn Grant

My marriage to a narc (narcissist) pastor became a thorn in my side.

After many years of narc abuse, I finally said enough is enough. I decided to find out ways to empower myself and others against the cunning craftiness of narcs.

I stayed in my marriage for many years and am still in it because I simply do not have the finances to leave.

I want to say this, many women find themselves in this predicament. We feel compelled to stay, either having to do with finances or the children. Like it or not, this is the reality.

It took years to finally come out of the mentally debilitating fog I was in. Afterward, I gained more clarity and self-awareness. What I saw was, I was a broken and co-dependent person.

I saw the belligerent, intrusive, neglectful, hurtful and downright unloving behavior I had tolerated so long for what it truly is: ABUSE, plain and simple.

My journey has seemed long and slow but I have grown a lot. It still grieves my soul that I lost so much time and the quality of life overshadowed with many sorrows.

I am grateful to God for His faithfulness because it was the Spirit of Jesus Christ that gave me hope. I spent much time in prayer and reflection. It was the strength I drew from spending time in the presence of the Lord during Bible reading, praying and journaling that I found solace and security. It took years to come to the place where I can say that I have found my broken heart to be a sanctuary for Jesus Christ.

I now have learned to guard my heart and exercise awareness.

Also, I had to learn to forgive myself. I used to beat up on myself pretty badly. I am operating in higher levels of self-compassion and love for myself first and then others.

Currently, I am strategizing to recoup lost time and finances. I try my best to live on purpose and in my purpose.

There is so much more I could say but for now, I will leave my post as is. I wish those of you who know what I am talking about and have gone through or are going through this type of abuse the very best.

 

Lynn Grant’s Bio:

A woman of God who loves God and the things of God. I am a person who is an empathetic person but one who is ready to stand up for herself and advocate for others.

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This post has been submitted by a reader of Fairy Tale Shadows.

6 Comments

  1. Sorry ladies, but since 70 % of all filed DIVORCES in our nation are “statistically” initiated by women, and for this reason alone, (never mind what any of you gals have to share here,..) this tells me that there is something out of whack here in light of the the adage of “there are two sides to every story, and then there’s the truth !

    I’m not going to go into all of the possible reasons for this because most of you won’t give a damn anyway; and I implore you to Google [link removed for security reasons] to at the very least – eliminate the possibility that “it’s you” , for God’s sake and your own sakes, please – and this I say especially to you “sisters” who claim God as your guide, (I Cornithians 7 & I Corinthians 13 are good places to start) … but (in light of God’s Word) your hearts seem to be far from him .

  2. I left! I believe ANYONE CAN! 16 years into marriage I had a 5 month old, 3 year old and 10 year old. No bank account no credit card no access to cash. No parents as they were deceased. No siblings. Never worked. I’d rather live in a cardboard box than a house with a narcissist. We only know what we can live with. I suggest those who say they can’t leave due to finances contact a woman’s shelter and attorney. They have attorneys. If I had even one living relative, it’s easier to leave. Turn to loved ones. You are abused. Worse In a way than physical abuse , the mind and heart don’t heal like a bruise. It’s all horrific. There’s help out there so no one has to be trapped. I had infants babies young children. Not one drop of financial independence. Please dig deeper. Please seek the resources out there and my family if living would have done anything to help me, I did it alone. Abuse resources have legal and job rehab help too.

    1. I think you have to be sensitive to where other are spiritually, emotionally and psychology. It took you 16 years to leave, that was your process and your time. It was you now moment at that present time. I am not making up excuses. To begin to heal is digging deeper. As I mentioned, there is so much that I learned about me that I needed to see. Had I not had this encounter, I am not sure if I would have come face to face with the deeper issues in my heart, mind and soul. Be patient with others, as they/we all have our time. Your nor I know all the details of what each person is dealing with as an individual. Perhaps you are one who had enough and that meant leaving. When I had enough, that meant getting up and writing an start taking better care of myself. That could mean leaving, I would anyone to do so but the timing is not mine or yours to force. It has to be in the individual’s timing based on his or her final decision apart from judgement. I have faced so much scrutiny and judgment from other with their opinions but meanwhile I was the one living through this. It is easy to judge another based on our own thoughts and opinions. I am happy for you that you finally got out with your children. I truly applaud you and thank you for the additional commentary on the subject. Keep in mind, mercy rejoices against judgment.

  3. Lynn:
    I am also still married because of financial reasons. I’ve been with my husband for 30 yrs., married for 25. I first discovered that he had financially ruined us and our home is collateral for a huge loan that he’ll never be able to repay. Then I learned of the cheating, lying, smear campaign, alienating my children from me, etc. I’ve only become aware of these things the last 3 years. I would have been gone the moment I learned of the financial devastation he’s caused, but am trapped. In the mean time, I’m relying on my faith in God and his plan for me. I’m confused, scared, sad, but am not in a fog anymore. I know I’m not crazy. I am hopeful. I’m mad. I have a long way to go, but I have faith. Thank you for your post.

    1. Hi Kelly,

      I know exactly what you are talking about. I do not have access to our bank account, my name has been taken off of everything and I do mean everything. I have felt so trapped for so long. There are times that my heart is loning for relief and rescue. It feels like a long nightmare that will not end (at times). The truth that I am facing now is, in some silently, powerful way, this is one of the best things that happened to me. Although it doesn’t feel good to me, it was good for my soul. I say this because I used to be an extremely naive and trusting person. The person I am now is much more awake and aware of the dangers that lurk. I am better equipped to protect myself and finally, I do not believe the lies anymore. I want to remain hopeful but in my heart I know I am not responsible for my husband’s inability to bond. I pray for him but I am learning to moving on, at least psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. I encourage you to move out an onward psychologically emotionally, and spiritually as well. I know it’s not easy, there are so many fragmented pieces remaining in the aftermath of this kind of psychotic relationship. I understand the crazymaking you’ve lived, I’ve live it to. I will be praying for you, and I know in my heart that The Lord is making good on His promises. Keep in mind, it is His joy to redeem us from the pains of our past. I wish you well and pray that your soul will heal from this satanic encounter. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ that will see the blessedness of your worth and see the message you so desperately needed to see about yourself. I have embraced the message this messenger brought to me. The self-hatred and self-rejection I harbored toward me. It is time to walk by faith and not by sight. Find your joy in The Lord my friend and know that, although you may feel all alone, you are not alone on this journey.

    2. Hi Kelly,

      I know exactly what you are talking about. I do not have access to our bank account, my name has been taken off of everything and I do mean everything. I have felt so trapped for so long. There are times that my heart is loning for relief and rescue. It feels like a long nightmare that will not end (at times). The truth that I am facing now is, in some silently, powerful way, this is one of the best things that happened to me. Although it doesn’t feel good to me, it was good for my soul. I say this because I used to be an extremely naively trusting person. The person I am now is much more awake and aware of the dangers that lurk. I am better equipped to protect myself and finally, I do not believe the lies anymore. I want to remain hopeful but in my heart I know I am not responsible for my husband’s inability to bond. I pray for him but I am learning to moving on, at least psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. I encourage you to move out an onward psychologically emotionally, and spiritually as well. I know it’s not easy, there are so many fragmented pieces remaining in the aftermath of this kind of psychotic relationship. I understand the crazymaking you’ve lived in. I’ve lived in it too. I will be praying for you, and I know in my heart that The Lord is making good on His promises. Keep in mind, it is His joy to redeem us from the pains of our past. I wish you well and pray that your soul will heal from this diabolical encounter. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ that you will see the blessedness of your worth and see the message you so desperately needed to see about yourself whether it be good or bad. I have embraced the message this situation brought to my life. I saw the self-hatred and self-rejection I harbored toward my own self. I went through much pain and loss in my younger years. I see that I subconsciously blamed myself. I was so desperate to love and to be loved. I saw the red-flags before I married my husband BUT I married him anyway. On some level, I wanted to believe the lie. The lie was so sweet and I wanted it to be true. Well, it wasn’t true, this was and is my wake up call. The person I married is like Jekyl and Hyde. I still pray for his soul. I have come to the place that I do not hate him (anymore). It took lots of energy out of me for far too long. I could not fully let him go because I wanted things to work out so badly. Finally, I am moving toward acceptance, that is is bad, really, really, bad. I love deeply and as a recovering co-dependent, it was a long process for me just to learn to hang on very loosely until I could arrive at letting go. By the grace of God i’m getting there.

      So, I would say, “it is time to walk by faith and not by sight.” Find your joy in The Lord my friend, and know that, although you may feel all alone, you are not alone on this journey. May you find the path of peace after all.

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