Comments on: The Five Views of the Narcissist and How Our View Must Shift Over Time Before We Can Leave https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/ Living Through and Recovering From a Relationship with a Narcissist Tue, 09 Jul 2019 05:31:41 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.5 By: Kristen Milstead https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-14815 Fri, 19 Apr 2019 23:27:48 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-14815 Your comments today were so insightful and inspiring to me and I know they will be to many others as well. Stay strong! -Kristen</p> ]]> In reply to Cindy.

Hi Cindy: You are so welcome. I have so many thoughts on this. I think that there can be several reasons: (1) narcissists erode our boundaries and we get back into relationships too soon with people who sniff that out; (2) narcissists can fool everyone–even experts (see Without Conscience by Robert Hare) and if we are people who are naturally forgiving and give people the benefit of the doubt, that combination is DEADLY; not our fault; (3) if we are told all we have to do is work on ourselves and heal ourselves and not learn about the signs of narcissism we will always be narcissist-proof, we have a blind spot if anyone can be a victim; (4) some people are primed early in life by their childhoods. That I think is the tip of the iceberg but a summary. Great question… but please do not blame yourself. ❤ Your comments today were so insightful and inspiring to me and I know they will be to many others as well. Stay strong! -Kristen

]]> By: Cindy https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-14811 Fri, 19 Apr 2019 08:30:09 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-14811 This is insight you won’t find anywhere else. It’s remarkable! Thank you. I’d like you to share your expertise on how a very knowledgeable victim can repeat being with a sociopath/narc even years later. I truly believe due to detached parenting style increasing in society, these disorders are on the rise well beyond 1-2% of population. Would love your input. My confusion is how we get to stage 5 and then can return to stage one with another name and face who appears to be opposite of a narcissist. I know you will have answers.

]]> By: Kristen Milstead https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-657 Sat, 22 Sep 2018 19:44:10 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-657 In reply to Cynthia.

Hi Cynthia: Hello and thank you for taking the time to leave a comment! You are so right that there are many of us out here and you and your friend are definitely not alone. Please keep reading everything you can find on the Internet to help educate and empower yourself. I believe it helps turn your mind away from how they condition us to think that what we should be doing is being used to it! We can and do get out, and there is hope on the other side. 🙂 Yes we do deserve more. I am wishing peace and strength for you along this journey. Thank you for being here. -Kristen

]]> By: Cynthia https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-656 Fri, 21 Sep 2018 02:15:19 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-656 In reply to Sarah cato.

Hi Sarah. You have proven already that you can do it with out him in your life.. You can do it again we are only human and make mistakes too. Just like when your in recovery relapse is part of recovery its exspected.. The same thing applies here … We all lost alot being with them allowing this to go on in our lives so we feel defeated, low self esteem and unloved . I know how hard it is but you got out once you can do it again… once your out throw yourself into the community volunteering , working or just going out to meet new friends and find a friend to empower you and help build you back up…. i did and i find new strength to fight off this relationship. I found all these years i wanted him to love me but i know now i dont need him to love me cause i love myself and the person im becoming because of this ordeal.. You can too ….

]]> By: Cynthia https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-655 Fri, 21 Sep 2018 02:03:09 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-655 In reply to Jacky.

Hi ladies I agree I could rewrite everyones post here straight from my heart and soul. All I can say is “DITTO”. I distance myself from him as much as i can and take better care of myself now. I know the signs and manipulations but i would never in a million years understande WHY? How does one become so heartless and cruel to another human being. Ive been doing this for nine years I dont want to be use to it. I long for some one to be nice to me to show some compasion and maybe feel loved again.i never really knew what one was (a Narcasist) till i went on pinterest and looked under the relationship quotes …Pinterest really has detailed info on it and when my best friend and i read them we were like now we get it.. Ive been here so long due to feeling sorry for the person who doesnt exist ….how sad is that. Ladies keep empowering each other and get out . I will follow my own advice too… we deserve so much more …. The world seems to be creating more and more of them everyday….. blessings to all

]]> By: Kristen Milstead https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-654 Fri, 31 Aug 2018 15:44:58 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-654 In reply to Karin.

Hi Karin: Thank you so much for reading and for leaving a comment, and for your patience awaiting my reply. I’m so sorry to hear of what you are going through. It’s so destructive what they put us through. Yes, you can message me privately. Please write to fairytaleshadows@gmail.com. Stay strong and please take care of yourself! -Kristen

]]> By: Karin https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-653 Mon, 27 Aug 2018 02:48:39 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-653 Everything you write is my experience verbatim. Is there a private way to contact you? I can explain why in a private email. I can’t believe after all this time, I am still coming out of the triggered trauma even though I realized all of this long ago. Not having it heard, understood or validated in any way really kept me stuck…not able to heal or move forward (even though not with him). Thank you so much. Doesn’t anyone think it’s odd that all these women who’ve never met are having the same experience? If it can be shown it exists by MANY and they all claim an eerily similar pattern and cycle, they all experience debilitating trauma ( depending on how many of these cycles you went though, I guess, or how high your tolerance for abuse is) and yet it’s not commonly known by the very therapists that are supposed to be able to pick up on this and help. In my case, he was SO conniving and has been doing this for so long and extremely skilled, that he had a therapist already on board when I met him. To help new targets trust him…part of the lure. (At his age, he was 51 when all this started and it ended when he was 57 and he is now 58 and still at it) Since never married, women are cautious and he has his therapist totally fooled and uses him to get new targets to see him as the victim and instantly trust him. Ugh. I went to see him with my now ex (when I was still my normal rational self….that girl they hate and can’t wait to break….as in, ” how dare she try to set healthy boundaries fo r herself…well i will show her”) and told him I thought it was a bad idea and he needed time after the “crazy ex” (that I would also become) and the therapist convinced me that he just needed love???? Even his therapist was trying to dismiss my instincts. Bc I was older and my instincts kicked in quickly and I wasn’t about to fall for a bunch of ridiculous love bombing (been there done that), he immediately played the wounded child and I did fall for that bc the therapist played it too. Ugh. now that I think about it, he had to be laughing inside. He wasn’t even going to have to put in the time, energy or money to love bomb me….he was loving it. He played this so well, I never even got a date for over a year! Don’t ask. ugh. I think the older they are, without getting exposed, they have SO much experience with these abuse tactics, they are truly masters. It’s frightening. When professionals look at my experience, they don’t even see it as an abuse type thing really, though definitely abusive, abuse will also show an “imbalance of power”. He was so skilled at these tactics that I literally had NO power (took time but he succeeded bc i was completely isolated) and so they see it more as a hostage/slave type thing. Obviously the chains were all psychological but that’s how effective this type of abuse can be when the gas-lighting is well done (and you have no idea what gas-lighting is) and extremely isolated and smeared. Long story but jaw dropping. Thank you again. You’re helping many. Keep blogging!!!! Karin

]]> By: Karin https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-1312 Mon, 27 Aug 2018 02:48:39 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-1312 Everything you write is my experience verbatim. Is there a private way to contact you? I can explain why in a private email. I can’t believe after all this time, I am still coming out of the triggered trauma even though I realized all of this long ago. Not having it heard, understood or validated in any way really kept me stuck…not able to heal or move forward (even though not with him). Thank you so much. Doesn’t anyone think it’s odd that all these women who’ve never met are having the same experience? If it can be shown it exists by MANY and they all claim an eerily similar pattern and cycle, they all experience debilitating trauma ( depending on how many of these cycles you went though, I guess, or how high your tolerance for abuse is) and yet it’s not commonly known by the very therapists that are supposed to be able to pick up on this and help. In my case, he was SO conniving and has been doing this for so long and extremely skilled, that he had a therapist already on board when I met him. To help new targets trust him…part of the lure. (At his age, he was 51 when all this started and it ended when he was 57 and he is now 58 and still at it) Since never married, women are cautious and he has his therapist totally fooled and uses him to get new targets to see him as the victim and instantly trust him. Ugh. I went to see him with my now ex (when I was still my normal rational self….that girl they hate and can’t wait to break….as in, ” how dare she try to set healthy boundaries fo r herself…well i will show her”) and told him I thought it was a bad idea and he needed time after the “crazy ex” (that I would also become) and the therapist convinced me that he just needed love???? Even his therapist was trying to dismiss my instincts. Bc I was older and my instincts kicked in quickly and I wasn’t about to fall for a bunch of ridiculous love bombing (been there done that), he immediately played the wounded child and I did fall for that bc the therapist played it too. Ugh. now that I think about it, he had to be laughing inside. He wasn’t even going to have to put in the time, energy or money to love bomb me….he was loving it. He played this so well, I never even got a date for over a year! Don’t ask. ugh. I think the older they are, without getting exposed, they have SO much experience with these abuse tactics, they are truly masters. It’s frightening. When professionals look at my experience, they don’t even see it as an abuse type thing really, though definitely abusive, abuse will also show an “imbalance of power”. He was so skilled at these tactics that I literally had NO power (took time but he succeeded bc i was completely isolated) and so they see it more as a hostage/slave type thing. Obviously the chains were all psychological but that’s how effective this type of abuse can be when the gas-lighting is well done (and you have no idea what gas-lighting is) and extremely isolated and smeared. Long story but jaw dropping. Thank you again. You’re helping many. Keep blogging!!!! Karin

]]> By: Kristen Milstead https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-652 Mon, 27 Aug 2018 00:26:07 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-652 In reply to Kelli.

Hi Kelli: With narcissistic abuse there is usually some sort of deception of hiding their true nature and create a person they want you to think they are that you will fall in love with through lovebombing you at the beginning but then the mask comes off. There is a cycle to the abuse where the narcissist feels as if he or she is the one being wronged and twists things around while doing horrible things but won’t allow you to feel normal human emotions over what they have done. Does any of this sound familiar? -Kristen

]]> By: Kelli https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-five-views-of-the-narcissist-and-how-our-view-must-shift-over-time-before-we-can-leave/comment-page-1/#comment-651 Mon, 27 Aug 2018 00:16:18 +0000 https://fairytaleshadows.com/?p=570#comment-651 Im on the fence if he really is a narcissist or not. How do I know for sure? He doesnt put me down or make me feel worthless but everything else he does. Help!

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