Comments on: When the Narcissist Plays the Victim

By: Carly

Carly — Sat, 31 Aug 2019 00:40:12 +0000

I am currently getting out of a 10 year relationship with a narcissist and it took a therapist to confirm that I did everything I possibly could to save my relationship with the father of my children. No stone was unturned and I worked on fixing myself for so long that I had started to at least see that I wasn’t the problem. Thank you for this post. Your blog is helping me so much.

By: Margaret

Margaret — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 22:34:24 +0000

The last two lines resonate with me- so true.

Currently being humiliated by having a new supply displayed in front of me.

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 14:53:25 +0000

Hi Karen: I’m so glad to hear that you were able to get out of your relationship. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. I hope you are doing well now on your path to recovery. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. -Kristen

By: KAREN YOUNG

KAREN YOUNG — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 13:52:58 +0000

Great read, especially the last two lines.
I did finally decide, however, that I had to forgive myself and treat myself with the kindness he didn’t.
There was nothing I did to kill the relationship, just as there was nothing I could have done to save it.
After 19 years, the last five especially, dealing with this toxic relationship I finally felt I could walk on eggshells no longer and not wanting to go to my own home to deal with him was my final eye opener.

By: despair2deliverance

despair2deliverance — Fri, 09 Mar 2018 19:57:48 +0000

Thank you for your response, Kristen. I think I’ve decided to call what I was in a “regime,” not a relationship. I accepted it and lived under it until I just couldn’t do that any longer. I continue to read your insightful posts with great interest. Cheers!

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Thu, 08 Mar 2018 04:46:20 +0000

In reply to despair2deliverance.

Thank you for your insightful comments. You are very fresh off of having ended a relationship that you were in for a very, very long time, and you must feel very overwhelmed. I remember feeling so exasperated and also helpless for months, in disbelief that if I loved him, there was nothing I could do to change what was happening. There seemed to be some disconnect and I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t work out. If only he would listen. If only he would stop doing x. If only he would be the man he’d been at the beginning. If only he would be the man (I thought I knew) he could be. Etc.

In fact, I write that sentence about there being nothing I could do in what may seem to be a cavalier manner, but it was more of an acceptance statement after months, and technically years now of distance of processing and pondering endings. I finally realized that it was inevitable from the beginning. The reason why I believe this now is because if he was only presenting me with a persona he created so I would fall in love with him, then that means I fell in love with a lie and the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist. If loved me only because I loved him and not for me as a person, then I was bound to fall off the pedestal when he stopped idealizing me because he would begin to see my flaws or perceive my being my own person and having my own opinions and desires as a criticism of him.

There is more I could write here to demonstrate what I mean about why there was nothing I could have done about narcissists lacking conscience and ability to form attachments, but hopefully, I have given you an idea of what I mean. When one person bases the relationship on values that are one-sided, it’s not sustainable because, it defies the very definition of “relationship.” What that person is doing is extracting from you and not trying to have a relationship in the true sense of the word. It took me years to finally accept that this was the truth.

Thank you again for your comments, and thank you for reading.

By: despair2deliverance

despair2deliverance — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 23:05:04 +0000

I have read and re-read this post … I don’t know how many times. I just keep coming back to it because something here really resonates with me. I think I’ve always been a person who puts strong faith in the fact that we can all “control our own destiny,” or “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” What I read here gives me a sense of something deterministic at work. For instance, “I don’t use this logic to absolve myself of wrongdoing, nor do I take the blame for why this relationship went awry because it is clear that it could not have unfolded any other way.” And this statement: “There was nothing I did to kill the relationship, just as there was nothing I could have done to save it.”

I didn’t like how I felt when I read that for the first time. I’ve always liked to think my decisions, reactions, and responses would have had some effect, good or bad, and that if I only could make good decisions, that would lead to some kind of improvement, or at least a rapprôchement. I was wrong. This post captures precisely how I feel now. I officially ended a 22-year relationship on January 26. I feel there was no other way … because I did “nothing to kill the relationship, and there was nothing I could have done to save it.”