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7 Reasons Why Narcissists Won’t Give You Closure

Closure in a relationship with a a narcissist is challenging regardless of whether we decide to finally go no-contact with them, or they leave abruptly (which is always the way they leave if they decide to do so).

There are multiple ways that a “break-up” with a narcissist may occur.

A partner may cut off contact completely without letting the narcissist know that he or she is doing so out of concerns for safety or to avoid narcissistic rage or intense attempts getting the partner to stay that it might cause (or even some combination of all three).

The narcissist may also cut off contact without a word once securing a new source of primary narcissistic supply, after the original partner has fallen off the pedestal.

This may happen if partner has begun to see through the cracks in the narcissist’s facade. The narcissist then realizes that the partner has seen these cracks and therefore sees the partner is flawed (hence, both are no longer “idealized”), and the narcissist seeks someone new to start over with.

Breakups can also occur if the narcissist seeks revenge after a narcissistic injury and discards the partner in a humiliating or cruel manner.

Sometimes, during a breakup, a narcissist may even give a faux sort of “closure” that feels open-ended and leaves many unanswered questions and no real resolution. Yet it is the same mismatching and deflection that happens throughout the rest of the relationship where words don’t match actions.

For example, it is common for narcissists to take up other partners within days of leaving a primary partner. They may then return to the original primary and vacillate between them.

If the narcissist or partner decides to break up the relationship but the partner seeks answers about narcissist’s ability to move on so quickly, the narcissist may respond with answers, yet they feel nonsensical answers or don’t add up. You feel they are trying to provide closure, but there is a lingering feeling of dissatisfaction. This is not closure.

What on earth is going on?

Narcissists cannot provide closure for many of the same reasons that they cannot engage in constructive conversations with us.

I am of the opinion, however, that with closure, the reasons can be even more complex because, in addition to the same things they might be seeking from normal conversations with us, there are additional reasons why they don’t give us closure.

Closure, as what we think of as a final conversation, has a symbolic meaning that gives a narcissist many more ways to both potentially manipulate, remain in control, and also, to render him or her powerless if we handle it properly.

So let’s pick apart reasons why closure with a narcissist is not possible.

 

Seven Reasons Why We Should Give Up Trying to Get Closure With a Narcissist

The reasons why they don’t provide closure in the short-term can depend upon who is doing the breaking up, however, in the long-run, they work out to be the same. If they are angry at you, they don’t want to give you the satisfaction of providing you with closure because they don’t feel

1. They can only care about how they feel and can’t put themselves in our shoes.

Whatever is causing them to leave or you to leave, they don’t care if we have closure or not.

Narcissists and their partners have always had different narratives of the relationship and that’s no different at the end. We’re attached to the relationship; they’re not. They have been attached to the way we make them feel.

If they’re angry that the relationship is ending, they will only be concerned with the fact that they’re losing a source of narcissistic supply, not the demise of the relationship itself.

If they are leaving for some reason related to their own lives, they already have new things going on in their lives. Either way, our “closure” is a concept that isn’t even on their radar because the relationship itself is one that was always designed to serve their interests.

They didn’t care enough to stop hurting us, why should they care enough to provide us with closure? Closure is for people who are attached to others and need to “disengage” themselves from the lives of others when relationships are coming to an end.

2. Not providing you with closure makes it harder for you to go and stay no-contact.

To us, by definition, “closure” means relationships are ending. To narcissists, exes are fair game forever. Closure means whatever they want it to mean at the time a relationships ends.

Leaving without what we consider to be closure (whether on bad terms or not) leaves open the possibility that they can manipulate their way back into our lives because they realize that there will be “unfinished business.” It sets the stage for a hoover to take place at a later time.

Whether they fall silent or their answers are unsatisfactory, if they know you are unsatisfied with the way things ended, there is “unfinished business” that they can capitalize on. They may promise to answer questions at a later time. They may intentionally say they want to continue a conversation later or that they will think about our questions because they want to give us serious answers.

What they want is not to answer at all.

3. They can’t or won’t answer your questions satisfactorily in a way that makes any sense.

Many times, part of closure involves trying to understand why the relationship unfolded the way it did and we attempt to seek answers from the narcissist.

If you claimed to love me so much, why did you hurt me like that? If you wanted to be with that person, why can’t you just leave me alone? What is really going on? What is it you’re really trying to accomplish?

In truth, there are no answers they could provide to us that we could accept until we are ready to accept that our partner did not view our relationship the same way that we did and never had the same goals. They don’t enter any of their relationships with the same goals as any of their partners.

The questions we want to know the answers to come from the place of someone who can’t understand why someone who loves and is attached to someone else would do the things that the narcissist has done.

However, once we come to understand that the narcissist did not come from the same place– that is, does not view the world as we do–we can realize it is pointless to ask these questions of the narcissist, because the narcissist cannot provide answers to questions that do not pertain to a narcissist’s point of view.

What kind of answers are we likely to get? Answers that don’t match with the actions that we see. Vague answers. “I don’t know.” Answers that blame others. Excuses, such as blaming actions on alcohol or youth or stress or something that happened to the narcissist in the past. “Because I felt like it at the time.”

Yet it never adds up, because the sum total of any answers they provide never add up to a coherent picture of someone who regrets what they did, took actions to stop it

Narcissists act in their own self-interest. This is the answer to the majority of our questions that we seek during closure. Self-aware narcissists know that they do this but they won’t tell you that this is why they did what they did. Narcissists who are not self-aware do not know

That understanding will likely require a lot of reading about narcissistic abuse and perhaps talking to others who have experienced the same type of relationship. It may require an extended period of time away from the relationship.

Yet, ironically, once we do come to accept this, we will no longer require answers from the narcissist.

4. Not providing closure is a form of punishment.

If the breakup is a negative one, whether you are leaving them or they are leaving you, denying you anything you need to make the breakup go smoothly is one way for them to either get revenge or to try to demonstrate your unimportance.

If you are the one leaving them, they may try at first a multitude of things to get you to stay, however, ultimately, if they do not work, their demeanor will likely turn to rage at their loss of control over you.

If they are the ones leaving, they may want to send the message that you are unimportant and they don’t owe you any answers. Either way, they may want to send the message that you don’t deserve closure.

5. They get narcissistic supply out of believing that you’re still thinking about them.

Again, it doesn’t matter who left first or how the breakup occurred. As long as it was abrupt and didn’t provide you with the satisfaction that you needed, they will gain satisfaction knowing that you’re left with questions and a lack of understanding of why the relationship unfolded as it did or ended as it did.

If they ended things out of anger or there was a painful discard, they will gain narcissistic supply out of knowing that you are suffering. Their narcissistic supply may come from knowing you have to maintain vigilance and gain your own closure without them (which still means thinking about them) even if you were the one to end things.

If they believe you are not moving on, even if, by working on gaining your own closure you are moving on, this is satisfying to their egos.

6. If they have been running a smear campaign, it may fit with the narrative they’ve already been telling everyone else.

If they have been setting up a breakup for a while, which can happen when they have stopped idealizing you and have your replacement ready, they can use your need for closure as part of that narrative, even though it’s perfectly rational.

For example, once a narcissist begins to see the flaws of the current partner and devalues him or her and seeks out others (or the current partner learns of the others the narcissist has kept in the wings all along), the current partner, who has no idea what is happening, reacts to the narcissist’s blatant cheating.

The narcissist sets the stage to leave the current partner for one of the others by using the partner’s reactions to play the victim so that when he or she leaves, it is seen as the rational thing to do and not surprising.

cycle of triangulation

As the narcissist makes an exit, the bewildered partner may contact the narcissist asking questions and wanting to know what happened. The more the narcissist refuses to provide it, the more the partner reacts. Then the narcissist can sit back and use the partner’s reactions to fake a new reality based on half-truths.

The narcissist has first deceived the partner and is now deceiving everyone else.

7. In every scenario except one, they have their “closure.”

Narcissists have a different idea of what closure means: control.

Throughout the relationship, they have sought control and they seek to maintain it when the relationship ends as well. They will do everything in their power to maintain it.

That control is control over you and consists of one or more of the following: control over how you feel, control over your lack of knowledge about their own goals and motivations, and control over their ability to come and go as they please.

By not giving you what they know is your definition of closure, they maintain these things and their own definition of closure.

Except in one case and one case only.

And that is if we choose to go no-contact with them.

 

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Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead is a narcissistic abuse survivor who has become a strong advocate for finding your unique voice and using it to help others find theirs.

26 Comments

  1. I’m tottaly agree with you, Kristen. My girlfrieng is great exemplar of narcissists, so I meet a many examples of behavioral situations in this post.

  2. i sympathize with so many here ..my relationship of 8 yrs over long distance had a lie from day one as initially when i entered into my relationship with her i was told of the ex lover not by name but where he was from and that he had been very demanding of her and treated her badly hence why they broke away, it was more or less her putting it on the table for me to digest. i know what i was told at the time gave me the confidence to pursue the relationship she afterall had been upfront ! or was she ? it did not seem to hold substance now because in the 2nd year of my relationship the ex lover started putting out friends requests on facebook after his wife passed away to all those he had been in contact with previously but not on facebook he was a tour guide so he did get passed details from those wanting to be in his circle of friends. he also had affairs despite being with a woman.my ex did accept this request yet it was kept from me a secret ! my 1st year with her went well we were very much adults in love and we had no issues although that was going to change .my second year came and often without any merit she would start being difficult for no reason often causing flare ups by criticizing me this happened both with her and when i was back home. i said on one occasion “who or what has made you like this ” my answer from her was as cutting as it could be..she said ” dont you bring anyone else into this relationship or i will end it ” .quite a shock for me ? it was not because her own attitude lent itself to more or less give me deep thoughts and through old fashioned detective work and 2 months approx of digging through social media i found the ex holiday romance in Egypt and she was just bombing him with likes but at the same time was writing jealous things in her diary over him,as for this part i may get raised eyebrows over the private affairs of a diary but these were more like notebooks which portrayed her days and all those who had crossed her path or what had not gone right or had gone right i never knew of there existence untill i was doing some shelving and i moved a few boxes and a bag which contained her current notebook ! so yes it was private i admit but should it have remained so. but boy did i not see just how much i was analyzed i wont dwell on this part because its the confusion i had with my years with her that i still cant see an answer. this confusion is.why would a woman send me 3 times a year thats valentines birthday and christmas such loving cards and gifts,yet when i was with her there was no emotion it was like there was no ability to have any,she would often put me down in front of family or indeed without anyone being there,i never got thanked for any of the work i did in her house to improve it and some of this work was large scale.her marriage many years ago she had 2 girls both grown up neither of them have had a good relationship with her with one leaving home at an early age because her mum was just too much to handle but after time she moved back home, but just only a year ago got married.the other daughter is married already, her 3rd daughter was with a partner she never married but he walked out on her and was never seen again, after this she then had the romance on holiday many yrs ago then she met me..so i guess by writing this here ive thought that the way i was put down then raised up again the i love you bits but then i hate you bits then i more or less see so much as to what others do,the final straw came when i was with her and my 83 yr old father was taking ill. i was several 100,s of miles away on an island with her and very concerned over him she never gave me any support, just cold responses.but it hit home when i came back home and she said via Skype all i did was go on about my father the 2 weeks i was with her and her family know this to be a lie i spoke of the situation for several days on and off over a week not every day. she was so bad the night i was online i told her she was horrible under the circumstances and he was still in hospital..her reply “well im sorry for your father but you did not have to be talking of the situation back home all the time when you were here ” i said to her ” i did not and i have proof via text messages with date stamps “.so where am i now ? well ive done no contact for 4 weeks ive checked skype and she still has me as a contact but as to why i dont know ! its almost like she is waiting for me to remove her as a contact which i know will cause a vile e mail from her hence why ive not done it yet or she waits to see if i do contact her so she can just be vile to me online. what hurts me is the cards and gifts they seem to make up for the lack of intimacy or empathy given by her,yet why on earth go to the trouble of finding such nice cards to then devalue me infront of her family and friends etc.makes no sense at all ! nor the obvious lies over a past romance.loves me she said yet still loves him secretly or loves neither of us .i certainly have felt the fool.

  3. Narcissists are fascinating, I’ve got post grads coming out my ears and I only found out about these people recently. So many questions, are they sociopaths, on the autistic spectrum ( some of the loveliest people I’ve met are on the spectrum of autism) Have they had a prev head injury that has diminished ability to empathise with people and grow in relationships ?
    They appear empathetic and will be fighting for social justice causes but will trample on the people closest to them. Absolutely engrossing condition. I think they study us with diligence and now I study them, after being almost taken in by such a ruthless con artist,who’s only communicated with me through a social media site, using a fake name, since we broke up it’s turned out to be one of the most interesting aspects of the human condition that I’ve yet to come across. I actually feel sorry for them, it’s such a waste of a life,
    putting all those resources into trying to mess other people’s heads up for reasons yet not absolutely clear.

    Get to know this condition and be vigilant – Not saying most people can’t be dicks at times, but a narcissist is a special kind of hard core !

  4. Very enlightening! I haven’t heard about triangulation before. My ex-narc used this technique with a counselor and with a ministry leader. Very effective use of his monkeys. Had me confused and in tears both times. So glad I can see it now, three years into No Contact. I’m still figuring things out. He really worked on making me feel crazy!

  5. George Georgiou

    Have been in a relationship with a girl. Very intense 2 months, so much love, good understanding, chemistry, feeling, was excellent. She always excited to meet. On our first serious argument, she breaks up with me over the phone and throws a lame excuse. 2 days later i express my will to know more of why she up and left with non a big thing and she wont respond to any of my messages calls, flowers with letter etc for 10 days. Leaving me in agony with no closure as to why. I put up a mutual friend to see what is going on because i cant communicate even though she receives my messages. Just tell me why, what did i do wrong, was this all a lie. He cries to the friend to avoid any answers, and then blocks me, while she couldn’t just say something to let me go, and not fight for her. Just anything, i dont love you, whatever to set me free. The constant refusing to answer anything made me extremely upset in agony. How hard it is to give someone closure? So i come upon this thread and found my answer. Thank you very much.

  6. And now, I’m crying. Which seems to be all I do anymore. 2 years, for nothing. I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I was left very hurt. He knew this. Neither of us wanted a relationship. But… I fell for him. First 9mths, we “weren’t Together”. We did everything together. He had all the rela. benefits but didn’t claims me. I had a feeling he was cheating. Turns out I was right. He’d also just up & left a few times. Disappeared. For a week. To a “friends” house. Even took of & moved outta state after a fight. Turns out that was actually planned, him leaving. But..then 2mths later, he comes back. Over the phone he said he loved me. Blurted it out, or so it seemed.
    He comes back to AZ where were goin 2stay w/ my dad 2save money. He has a “90day plan” so we can leave AZ & “start our lives 2gether” part of the deal..he needed 2b honest w/ me. About any infidelity. He told me about the girl outta state, which I knew. And told me 2 more which were the 2 I always assumed. But said only a few times & only in the beginning but it had been a long time since. Ok. I believed him. ..mostly. there was still things that judt didn’t add up & hard as I tried &as much as I wanted to..I just couldn’t shake em. At 1st everything was great, I thought. We moved to TN wgere ge had a job waiting. We drove out there &had the BEST time. Once we got there, we did the hotel thing. Both being felons proved difficult finding a house 2 rent. We went with my $13,000 that was my 2nd chance at life. It was so I could leave AZ & start over. I decided I wanted 2do it w/ him. We argued like most couples. Nothing out of the ordinary esp w/ the stresses of house hunting. N still, as amazing as we were when we were…I could never shake this feeling lk sumthin was OFF. Our sex life was barely existent. That had also been a big issue prior 2our moving. I felt lk he didn’t want me. Wasn’t attracted 2me. I still did. He was always on Social media liking everyone’s pics, never mine. Showing every1 else the attention I so desperately wanted. I told him, it changed nothing. I became depressed more & more till finally after 2mths wen we found a house..I felt all alone. I knew literally NOBODY there. And even wen he’d come home from work..I couldn’t help but feel…OFF.
    My insecurities got worse & worse w/ the lack of sex. He noticed, said n did nothing. Just said I was lazy. I asked him more than once…r u sure u love me? Like not just as ur best friend? He assured me. He loved me. I asked (cuz his phone was always glued 2him or in his pocket while he slept) are u sure ur not dirty talkin 2other girls or bein inappropriate? He assured me. Swore. He promised. … He fkn lied.
    Fast forward..Im forced 2come bk 2 AZ 2deal w/ court stuff & was poss looking at some time. It’s true I pushed him away. I don’t kno why. I was scared. He said ged be there 4me but would he? Why would he? For ME? There’s those insecurities. Hed left me before. Outta site, outta mind…n I panicked n pushed him away. I was wrong. I own that. He came 2see me &I caught him in a lie about talking 2sum1. If it’s no big deal n she just a friend…why lie? Then turns out i find out he actually SAW her. I flip my kid cuz he lied again. My heart &brain were at war over can I trust him. He returned home & I broke up w/ him. Not cuz I wanted 2. But cuz I didn’t know wtf 2do. I wanted him 2stop me. Wanted him 2care enough 2finally EARN my trust back which was sumthin he was SUPPOSED 2do froknthe beginning n never did. We went on as usual (id broken up w/ him before) like nothing happened. Like we were still a couple. Till it suited him then it was no Stacey. U broke up with me remember? Next thing not 3wks after breaking up, he’s flying some random chick more than half his age out to OUR home. Wasn’t even gonna tell me. Lies about why etc. Welk, he screwed her in OUR BED, n upon her leaving she stole all my jewelry including dead mom’s earrings. (Recently come 2find out stole much more) he stuck up for her, denied the possibility, actually sent this b— $$ after she’d left. Oh did I mention made plans w/ her 2have her move in after telling me hed never do such a thing. All tye while assuring me he wanted 2work things out w/ me. Anyways..come 2find out now…he was NOT forthcoming about prior indiscretions. One girl in particular he’d been talking 2, trading dirty pics/videos w since before we even fkn left 4 TN. Telling her i love you while telling me?!?! Even offered 4her 2move out there. Really? The whole 2years was a fkn LIE. He STILL swears he loved n cared 4ne n that were best friends…but absofuckinglutly REFUSES 2give me any closure. Acts as if IM the one who’s unreasonable & over reacting somehow. I LOVED HIM.hes also a gaslighter. And poss compulsive liar.
    I have NOT been ok. This/he has messed w/ my gead 2the point i almost checked myself in somewhere, during a severaly manic episode gashed my arm open in ok 3spots where i should’ve gotten stitches but didnt. N am now seriously scarred. And he still refuses me closure. N I don’t understand. I don’t understand how u can say u loved me or we’re best friends but u did this. And I am NOT OK. I can’t seem 2let go. Can’t seem 2accept some people are just monsters and cowards n just don’t care. Idk what to do
    Sorry for my long rant

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi Stacey: I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through right now. I can empathize with your pain. There are so many of us who have been where you’ve been. If you need to talk to someone immediately, please consider reaching out to one of the organizations at the bottom of this resources page: https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-best-resources-for-narcissistic-abuse-recovery/ You can even use text if you’re in the U.S. or Canada. If you want to join, I am an administrator of an online Facebook group and there is a very supportive and sensitive group of survivors who understand exactly what you’re going through as you try to find some peace and heal from what he’s done. I encourage you to look for local support as well and read as much as you can about narcissism, and try to take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your story–telling it is one way of trying to take back your own life and your mind and get back control again. I wish you well on your recovery journey. If you’d like to join us on Facebook, please go here: https://www.facebook.com/fairytaleshadows -Kristen

  7. Sorry about the typos

  8. Was in relationship with women for 7 years , flight attendant. After the first 4 years caught her communicating with a pilot who resided in different state . Found out later on after contacting her pilot friend, that she was doing more than just communicating her him. I was discarded me without closure and she brought ex husband back to court to try and get approved from judge to relocate with her two children ages 8 and 11 . This is after I helped support her emotionally and financially thru her highly contentious divorce. I’m talking thousands of dollars. I was called to testify in court as a character wisdom for the dad , that when I found out that after 4 months her and pilot had broken up and judge ultimately denied her request to relocate. While in court we talked, exchanged phone # , since she blocked me and changed her # . It was during the Xmas holiday and we started up our relationship, promising never to discard without closure against. That summer i gave her a diamond commitment ring in Mallorca Spain . Three years later and once again helping her financially, I caught her cheating with another man in the next town fm where we lived , apparently very wealthy with 4 homes . No closure once again and she ghosted me . Within 6 months , she moved her and her son now 15 into his home . This is clearly a pattern and was always in search of a better opportunity

  9. This article is unbelievably helpful! I can relate to every part of it!!! My husband told me after 20 years of being together and three kids that he had to leave, no emotion, no regret, and he gave absolutely no closure. I fought for the last three years to get reasons to why (what seemed like a perfectly happy, normal relationship to me), he would bail on me and the kids so easily. Now, in retrospect it was happy and normal because our entire worlds revolved around his needs and his happiness. Once he found a 19 year younger version of me to feed his ego, I didn’t deserve the reasons to why he’d leave because in his mind, his “feelings” that I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed, was the absolute “truth.” As in most cases their feelings and opinions usurp all others on any topic. My opinions and feelings didn’t matter.
    What is extremely hard on me now is that I can’t go no contact with him. We have three kids. Being a coparent and divorcing him is 100% harder than being married to him and doing everything for him was. I haven’t been able to completely heal having to deal with him and his antics and his lack of empathy, remorse, or regret on a daily basis. He’s moved on yet again now to a new supply, and is disregarding our young kids’ feelings by bringing her around when they don’t want her around and didn’t take the proper steps to explain or introduce. Ugh thanks for the article and a place to hear others in a similar situation.

  10. I know this is going to sound crazy and quite frankly I feel crazy. My partner and I split about five years ago. He literally moved in with someone else. This April we started up again. This time I have completely disregarded his privacy and read all his old emails social media stuff etc. I now realize every word from his mouth was a lie and I have the receipts to prove it. Not necessarily to him but to myself. I finally know the relationship was doomed from day one and that is my closure. Now I need to figure out how to disengage with him. I am amazed that I still have empathy for him however I know this is over or actually it never was… sorry so choppy but didn’t feel like writing a tome!

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi Tyler: It doesn’t sound crazy at all. I can certainly relate to many of the things you said: going back to a relationship after it was already over, reading old emails and social media stuff, knowing the relationship was doomed from day one. I believe that for many of us who have been in a relationship like this one, this sounds all too familiar. I’m sorry you have had to go through this, but I’m glad you have received the closure you need. I wish you well as you begin to disengage from the relationship again and start recovering from all that happened. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. -Kristen

  11. for the lsst two years he has said the same things to me over and over again he never changes his script but sticks to it what is the reason for this

  12. for the lsst two years he has said the same things to me over and over again he never changes his script but sticks to it what is the reason for this

    1. Kristen Milstead

      Hi Norma: I can’t say for sure, but it seems that whatever he is saying that that is what he wants for you to believe, even if his actions do not match it. -Kristen

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  15. Dear Dawn, thank you for your comment. You are in a very hurtful situation. May you be guided with Love and Light ever closer to healing and release and the rediscovery of the Joy in your life. All of it is possible. Best of luck to you.

  16. Dear Dawn, thank you for your comment. You are in a very hurtful situation. May you be guided with Love and Light ever closer to healing and release and the rediscovery of the Joy in your life. All of it is possible. Best of luck to you.

  17. Excellent article, Kristen. Trying to get closure with the narcissist I had the misfortune of being involved with was torture. He sadistically delighted in my suffering, and I learned what kind of sick, twisted individual he was in the process. The silver lining of my efforts to get closure is that I unmasked him. It’s been 6 months since the last time I was in contact with him, and he hasn’t attempted to hoover me (knock on wood it stays that way!).

    One more thing on the topic of closure: while it is true that very often normal human beings seek to understand why their relationships don’t work out and look to their former partners for answers, regardless of whether a partner is a narcissist or not, at the end of the day, closure is something we achieve on our own. No one can give it to us.

    Kind regards,

    Sara

    1. Excellent article Kristen. Sara, I cannot agree more with you. I have, very early in the breakup took the hard decision not to engage in any contact. Once I realised the incredible self-centeredness and emotional cruelty of my ex will never change (no matter how it was disguised behind the most attractive face and impeccable social behaviour, intelligence and eloquence) I started to regain my balance. It is now 6 months later and my healing and gratitude is increasing every day. My ex zoomed in the moment I broke off all contact as well as means of contact but she always found innovative ways trying to contact me. Hoovered. It is now 3 weeks since her last contact attempt. I have shifted my focus and it would not have been possible had I remained caught up in the humane desire for her to acknowledge the deep hurt she caused repeatedly and at least offered an apology. That insight or acknowledgement or apology was never forthcoming during our relationship. (not even after intense professional couple counselling). To the contrary, the disregard, lack of insight and lack of empathy was shocking. Why will it now be forthcoming or even sincere as it will only be born from the realisation that she lost me and her power over me. What meaning will it really have?
      Move inward and forward.
      Cara

      1. Excellent point Cara!!! And an eye opener!! I have been struggling with not getting closure for a very long time with my ex sociopath. And this article, especially the last sentence, has opened my eyes further on closure. What would it matter even if he spilled his guts and acknowledged and apologized for the pain he’s caused!! He’s already put me through hell over me trying to get closure!! If he really wanted to give me sincerity and closure then he would’ve done it the first time I asked him!! So you’re absolutely right, it wouldn’t mean a thing!! Thank you for commenting and opening my eyes further!!

  18. Excellent article, Kristen. Trying to get closure with the narcissist I had the misfortune of being involved with was torture. He sadistically delighted in my suffering, and I learned what kind of sick, twisted individual he was in the process. The silver lining of my efforts to get closure is that I unmasked him. It’s been 6 months since the last time I was in contact with him, and he hasn’t attempted to hoover me (knock on wood it stays that way!).

    One more thing on the topic of closure: while it is true that very often normal human beings seek to understand why their relationships don’t work out and look to their former partners for answers, regardless of whether a partner is a narcissist or not, at the end of the day, closure is something we achieve on our own. No one can give it to us.

    Kind regards,

    Sara

    1. Excellent article Kristen. Sara, I cannot agree more with you. I have, very early in the breakup took the hard decision not to engage in any contact. Once I realised the incredible self-centeredness and emotional cruelty of my ex will never change (no matter how it was disguised behind the most attractive face and impeccable social behaviour, intelligence and eloquence) I started to regain my balance. It is now 6 months later and my healing and gratitude is increasing every day. My ex zoomed in the moment I broke off all contact as well as means of contact but she always found innovative ways trying to contact me. Hoovered. It is now 3 weeks since her last contact attempt. I have shifted my focus and it would not have been possible had I remained caught up in the humane desire for her to acknowledge the deep hurt she caused repeatedly and at least offered an apology. That insight or acknowledgement or apology was never forthcoming during our relationship. (not even after intense professional couple counselling). To the contrary, the disregard, lack of insight and lack of empathy was shocking. Why will it now be forthcoming or even sincere as it will only be born from the realisation that she lost me and her power over me. What meaning will it really have?
      Move inward and forward.
      Cara

      1. Excellent point Cara!!! And an eye opener!! I have been struggling with not getting closure for a very long time with my ex sociopath. And this article, especially the last sentence, has opened my eyes further on closure. What would it matter even if he spilled his guts and acknowledged and apologized for the pain he’s caused!! He’s already put me through hell over me trying to get closure!! If he really wanted to give me sincerity and closure then he would’ve done it the first time I asked him!! So you’re absolutely right, it wouldn’t mean a thing!! Thank you for commenting and opening my eyes further!!

    2. Wow!! Well said!! One of the best and most easy to relate to articles I have read. I recently became aware of my reality and went through exactly what you wrote. If I found this information sooner it might have helped jumpstart the painful yet mandatory things to live through. Thank you for letting me know I’m not crazy. It is textbook stuff that needs to be taught to us younger. So much mental illness in our world. Well Done!!

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