At least he said sorry, mine never did. It was always my fault.

Julie, I want you to know you are not alone. It is not easy what you are going through. Missing someone you truly cared for is hard, and all the pain he causes you still not going to change the fact you are a human being with feeling. Allow your feelings to serve its time. Sadness, disappointment, anger, and missing all okay. Hoping you will have more strength to deal during your healing journey.

I also do therapy twice weekly. Sometimes I feel like I will never get past all the hurt and sadness. I go from angry and hating him to missing him. Why do I miss and love him so much for all I allowed him to do to me. I should only hate him.
Though I made the decision to have no contact, I’m still allowing him to control my mind and thoughts. Though I know he will NEVER be truly sorry and he will NEVER take responsibility for any of my hurt. I am afraid I will taker that call . I cant even block him because then I cant see if he tried calling or text me. Am I that insane and messed up. Its crazy

Hi Vicki: I really must thank *you* for taking the time to join in the conversations here and share so much of your story. I’m so glad that you have found the things I have written here so helpful, and thank you so much for your kind words about them. You ask for me to share some experiences about crazy-making experiences, or examples from my relationship. I have shared a few specific things in my articles across time and the ones I can think of off the top of my head are “How Did I Know He Was a Narcissist?”, “How My Narcissist Ex Gained Control Over Me,” “What Cruelty By a Narcissist Looks Like.” These are very extreme examples. As far as the everyday stuff went, where should I start?? I will say that gaslighting was one of the biggest crazy-makers, because he did it constantly, and my merely asking about it he could then turn around back on me, and then that was a further form of the conditioning. Here are just a few examples:

-He added an ex-girlfriend back to a social media app that he claimed was obsessed with him and he was trying to avoid and who he also claimed had called me names and I was pretty upset about it since he’d made such a big deal about how she’d tried to interfere in our relationship, and he claimed it was an Internet glitch and suddenly she disappeared from his list. For six hours he tried to claim he didn’t add her. It was only after I said he was lying and I didn’t date liars and was about to break up with him that he admitted he was lying. If I hadn’t screenshotted it, I would have started to doubt myself. One of the few times he came clean– this happened early. I had proof and he knew I was serious about walking away.

-He told me he didn’t care if I left, that there would always be someone better to come along. Later, I reminded him what he said and he said, “I didn’t say that, I said you could find someone better.”

-He’d say he met people certain places, then say he met them somewhere else. I’d say, but I thought you said you met them [first place]. He’d say, “I never said that.”

-He told me a story about his father that he said happened in the country that he is originally from. Later he told me the same story and said it happened to his uncle. Then I started to doubt myself and think maybe I’d misheard and that he was repeating it and had told it to me about his uncle the first time.

-He told me about the first time he had sex with an ex-girlfriend once randomly. Later, he was telling me a similar story that he said happened at a party, and I said, I thought you said that happened with [the ex-girlfriend]– “I never said that. You don’t even know that story or what you’re talking about. Why are you bringing her up?”

-“I’m going to stop by the gym on the way home.” Me: “Okay.” The next day. Him: “Yesterday when I stopped by [the gas station where his friend works…]” Me: “I thought you went to the gym?” Him: “The gym? I didn’t say that. Well, maybe I did, I don’t remember, but who cares where I was? Why do you always have to start an argument.”

Gaslighting, gaslighting, gaslighting, all day long… it was ridiculous.

Anyway, I hope that this is helpful. It’s not pretty to live with, but the more you can get out from under it even just to spend some time away, the more your head clears enough to start getting your own control back.

Thank you for taking the time to leave your comments and for your kind words. Keep being strong! -Kristen

Hi Jesse: That is all so horrible! You went through a lot. I’m sorry you had to quit your job. I’m glad you had a supportive employer, however, even though the damage is still something that you had to deal with psychologically. Thank you for sharing your story. It provides me with a lot of hope! -Kristen

Hi Rick: The only way it can be addressed is by men with female partners telling their own stories, not by shaming or blaming women who are already telling their own. I believe every woman here who has mentioned men as narcissists is writing from the experience of their lives, just as you are welcome to write about yours. None of us need to feel guilty about how we tell our stories and claim.the narratives of what happened. As survivors, we are all on the same side. Thank you for leaving a comment. -Kristen