You are right, this wrong accusation often happens, it is indeed a real danger, especially when openly abusive people accuse their victims of being the narcissist. This really happens quite often. That’s why it’s not good to criticize people who can’t own up to their mistakes, they will take revenge.

And you are right, that the only solution is love and compassion, with others and with oneself.
It is well known, that the worst thing you can do to a child is to spoil it, because then it will be unable to cope with the harsh realities of life which sometimes includes rejection.
If you observe people with predominantly abusive, angry or exploitative behavior, you find a childish sense of entitlement which is a result of the childhood trauma.

The most compassionate way to treat someone like that is to set firm boundaries and and to not put up with in-acceptable behavior. If they don’t like that, they will go somewhere else to find a new supply, problem solved.
To be educated in detecting manipulative behavior and to be friendly but firm when encountering attempts at exploitation, is giving spoiled people a chance to heal, which they may or may not take, it’s their choice.
Maybe if everybody did that, instead of enabling or rewarding such a behavior, then maybe these poor, unhappy people would get a chance to mature and become truly happy and loving as well? Who knows?
But I think society is still far from achieving this state where everybody can grow and flourish and maintain healthy boundaries. As a collective we are still too much asleep. Everybody would need to be empathic to achieve that.
I suggest you find someone who was accused of being a malignant narcissist and try to help that person and see how it goes. Your personal experience will tell you more than any theory.

While I do agree with the need for all of us to look deeper and to try to empathize with the people that are doing us these perceived wrongs; I think that it is incredibly important to maintain healthy boundaries to avoid being sucked dry. Afterall it is our exhaustion that leads us into the abyss that we’re blaming the narcissists for leading us into and leaving us for dead, despite us willingly draining ourselves completely along the way for the benefit of our “abusers.”

When my lady and I met we both had low self-esteem and narcissistic tendencies. I decided early on that I would continue to chase the high that she provided me and do every single thing I could to continuously change or improve myself so I never had to lose that bliss. We were split within a year. I had never been so gutted but we were young and I accidentally did everything right to get her back. I was self effacing, staying distant to avoid the explosions she would have anytime she much as heard my voice. I took responsibility for everything that I identified as a factor in our separation.

When she finally came back I had the “if you love something let it go” affirmation that this one was meant to be. I vowed to be sensitive to her every need and be the absolute best partner I could be. She sucked it up and showered me with attention, sex, gifts, praises and oh so much love. This is the trade off here. She’s feeding my addiction to open up the “unconditional” supply to feed her own.

I didn’t realize that we were just exhausting ourselves feeding each other the “fix” we both so desperately needed.

Fast forward 10 years, 5 break-ups, constant gas-lighting, my personal struggle with addiction, the ever present need to feed her more of what I don’t have to get some of what she doesn’t either. Both of us trying to maintain the give and take that inevitably just turns into take, take, take, crash. I always felt like my discard came out of nowhere but somehow it always corresponded with the lowest points in my life at the same time. Job loss, major injury to both of my hands(she wouldn’t even help me shower)!! It’s like everytime she knew something was going to hurt the worst she busted it out. BAM you’re on your own. Like I was completely insignificant all along. At times where I was finally desperate enough to start speaking up for myself, deluding myself into thinking that I was finally becoming the strong man that she wanted me to be. I was just a shell of a person and bitter, bad ass mix! She saw right through that shit and certainly didn’t appreciate my audacity. I was ignored, if not flat out tossed away again everytime I suggested that she needed to focus on her part of the struggles we were having. It was me guilty of everything everytime. Except the time she punched me in the face for getting hostile when she disclosed my drug addiction to my aunt. It was clearly framed to turn my entire family against me, not to help me get clean. It drove me deeper. She even joined me a few times while she gathered her evidence for use later in family court or to sway people’s opinions of me. She never did use that evidence though, maybe because I was not at all turning into the monster she was attempting create. The stronger I got (or so I thought anyway, I was just becoming numb) the more brutal she got toward me. Actively trying to year me apart. I deserved it though, I swear she even planted evidence, an empty bag here or there where my kids could come into contact with it. The first time that happened I was mortified!! Hated myself, started to feel like I was losing my mind completely. The second time was months after I was clean and there was not a chance it was mine. I had just moved to her new apartment after our latest 6 month hiatus this one beginning just a few days before Christmas having lost the house we lived in prior to this latest one with our two young sons. Days before Christmas!! Because I was addicted to cocaine. I took some time off of my 60-79 hour a week job to focus on getting clean just a few weeks before. I slowed down but ultimately failed to stay so we when I went back to work, the coke was the only thing keeping me from drowning in misery. How could my partner that was always so overly jolly over the holidays without fail be shutting me out again.I started to see finally that maybe she was not ok. This time she was a completely different kind.of cold and over the top raging. I vowed to myself that I would save her from whatever affliction was causing this. I took that one too though, I was putting too much on her on the homefront trying to take some.tome to myself after my long work days and generally contributing less and less on the homefront as I sank back onto my depression, never seeing the door about to be slammed in my face, yet again. Still unwilling to place any culpability on her.

It’s like everytime we split she was dropping hints on me to sack up and love me, myself. She would say you need to be ok without me. How could I love a shell of the man I fell in love with? Take better care of yourself, exercise, eat better. All of my tell-tale signs that it was coming back again. I used to wonder how I had the capacity to love so deeply despite the pain that I was going to surely have to deal with again and again. Everytime we split I was dying to make things right and get my fix back. Always working on myself, trying to be a better man. This time I got baited into a drunken argument a week after another work accident, this one costing me half of my index finger. She was trying to drill into my head over and over again that I had been overly aggressive with the boys earlier that night. I finally had enough. I was putting my foot down. After all of these years of working, struggling and training myself how to communicate in the right way that I would only be ignored but would not set off the beast.

Well this time the beast showed it’s face fully for the first time. The boys, who were sleeping on the living room in a fort that we had built that night for them to sleep in didn’t even budge. I was calm and collected when I told her that enough was enough, I had been sober for 14 months at this point, super proud of myself. My jealousy was gone, my taking her for granted, my unwillingness to listen to her when she wanted to raise issues, with me along with my constant work to enact the changes she wanted to see out of me, my hard won ability to navigate these conversations in a healthy mature manner, her processing her undying love for me days before, we had a cry over Chris Stapleton’s Starting Over recently. I thought I had become the trophy she was after this whole time.

I said, you know babe I seriously need you to redirect some of the focus on correcting me back onto yourself. How many hundreds of times have I refused to have conversations of a critical nature while we’re drinking. I voiced my disappointment that she was not helping me at all or giving me any extra attention and I had just lost half of my finger, I’m a bassist and it is my right (plucking hand), I’m stressed and feeling pretty down, trying to fill the void with alcohol again )while claiming to be sober). Finally confident enough in myself and the strength off our relationship to not be picked at this time, over an empty “you guys are gonna have asses so sorry you’ll be standing for a week if you don’t settle down and get the fuck back into that fort and go to sleep threat! Just overreacting a little bit to the kids having a fucking party as I’m trying to get mom alone. I was so sure today was gonna be my lucky day, and it would have been too had I just kept my complaints to myself. She was also feeling pretty form up about my finger and just trying to vent some of her stress. I had a thick enough skin to take the beleaguering without taking it to heart. Today I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. Probably since relishing in the love bombing when we got back together months before. I went so far as to say I can’t be the only person working on myself all of the time, time for you to step up and meet some of my requests. Which were more or less asking for the basics that I had grown accustomed to during the good times. Sex that I didn’t have to initiate, maybe making my lunch from time to time, anything that showed me she cared. We were already into devaluation, I was having a moment of weakness mourning the loss of my finger. And her plan worked like a charm.

“Get the F outta my house”,.was the retort. I immediately moved the battlefield to the bathroom so the boys didn’t get woken up. That always turned into me being a psychopath and her having to protect my kids from me. I am not a violent guy, I am not a yeller, I am quite adept at being completely non-confrontational (to the point that it’s a detriment) if not for my guitars serving as a release for all of the crap I bury inside my soul I’d surely be a madman by now. This is my second go round with a narcissistic abuser. 14 years of repressed crap surrounding struggles with my ability to have fair access to my daughter from the first evil hag. The more I tried to point out how vindictive she was the more I looked like the asshole. It’s funny too, I thought I had it all figured out after that one, never going to let.myself experience that one again. I’m wiser than that. And for years I had myself convinced that my current love was the one forever. I couldn’t even bring myself to yell at her but for once or twice over the 10 year roller coaster ride we shared. When things were good they were so damn good that surely we could pull through anything life threw at us at this point. Then came the next pitch the universe shot at me.

“I’m hammered, don’t know anybody in this city and don’t have a dime to my name for a hotel. It’s too cold for me to sleep in my car! Let me have a shower and go to bed, I’ll leave tomorrow if you’re still pissed.” She likely wouldn’t have been, we never even brought up our drunken arguments the next day and we had our fair share, (the kids were even a witness to us shouting at each other) but she was livid in the moment and just wasn’t having it. She had to prove that she hated me once again and started to claw at me in an attempt to throw me out herself while unleashing every single little slight I’ve made since we got back together. I let the alcohol and stress get the better of me and removed her hands from my arm afraid that she was going to punch me again or take a swipe at my bandaged nub of a finger, I could have just stood and taken it. It turns out that I’m way tougher than my cowardice convinced me I was, )as I discovered while telling jokes in the ambulance on my way to the hospital with half of my finger I’m the wrong hand) I pushed her out of the bathroom and locked the door.

She’s yelling that she’s gonna call the cops, very similar situation to what should have ended my previous narcissistic relationship.

To which I reply “go ahead, can’t wait to hear what you try to tell them.”

Well she told them that I had marched her into our bedroom across the hall and threw her across the room onto our bed, which quite frankly I’m proud of myself for not doing given how angry and drunk I was.

I jumped in the shower and lamented over not having her in the shower with me. I could never hold a grudge toward her for long. Went to bed in the kid’s bedroom right after locking the front door, assuming that she had gone to bed in our room and not wanting any more trouble. Just another day in the life at this point. I could shrug it off and look forward to a better day tomorrow.

An hour and a half later the cops are dragging me out of bed after the landlord came from across town with a spare key to unlock the door that I had unknowingly locked behind my (wife) as I called her after 10 years, I think it added a security in my mind calling her that despite knowing that security would never be real….

The cops were super rough with me despite me alerting them to my (somewhat major) injury. I got belligerent, feeling incredibly pissed by their treatment despite the calm scene they were responding to. I even asked the cop if he got her number after the rough guy to the rescue act he had just put on, saving the poor helpless (still freaking out and flat out wasted girl) from the big bad “abuser.” Making sure that I learned my lesson before ever getting a chance to defend myself. This is how good both of my “soul-mates” are at their game of hide the demon.

He didn’t like that one big as you can imagine and was not very accomodation as I was transferred to my cell for the night. I had an absolute soul emptying cry, like a loud sob once it settled into my head that this was happening again. At least last time I was rough and had it coming. That last one hoovered the hell out of me immediately upon release, despite the no contact order. I happily took her back too.

This one, whom I was convinced was not like the other girls is not at all willing to show her weakness and has stuck to her guns playing the victim card like it’s a bullet proof vest. She always told me she would never keep the boys from me, but I’ve only seen them once I’m the four months it’s taken for the crown to drop the charges because there was no bruising to indicate any foul play and I offered to take a counselling program, the same one I took 14 years ago. I took a lot out of that program the first time around. Now it’s just taking my money and drawing out the days till I get to see my boys again.

I harbor no animosity toward these women. In fact I feel terrible for leaving this last one on the dust. She gave me the greatest gift of all. She made me go it alone when I needed her the most and opened my eyes to the fact that it was own lack of self-worth that had me coming back for more. I failed her by taking it and just letting her fall deeper and deeper into her own pit, too afraid to lose her to maintain the boundaries that she kept waltzing right through. The more resilient I became the more brutal she got. I wish I’d seen before she had to resort to blatantly lying to have me repeat the horror of being in handcuffs feeling like I had hurt her in order to retaliate for the wounded ego, once again tearing out lives apart. The pain she must feel everyday hanging onto every single morsel of resentment that she can get her hands on to protect herself from the vulnerability of opening up the prison she hides in and truly feeling the validation, love and acceptance that I unconditionally gave to her for so long. I like to believe she doesn’t hate me or even want to hurt me or anybody else. She is broken.

I will always appreciate the lessons learned and will hold space for her in my heart as the mother of my kids, but the best thing I can do for everybody is put and end to the cycle.

I know this was an incredibly long winded reply, most people probably won’t even make it this gar but this site has been incredibly enlightening and inspiring. I hope this helps people to see the silver lining to the misery. Growth is hard won, don’t despair. The universe will never hit you with anything that you can’t handle.

Lori, I just read your post, and I’m very concerned. It sounded like you were intending to harm yourself. I really hope that I’m wrong, and I pray that you’re doing well now, and healed from what you’ve been through. If you read this, please know that my thoughts are with you.

I know I was not a perfect person, I accept my flaws and try to improve my life. My spouse however could not ever admit to any wrong doing or flaw. If something was wrong it was absolutely my fault. Intamacy was the carrot, and there was always one more step I had to take to get it. When I got to the breaking point, the love bomb was dropped and I fell right back down the hole. Now she’s decided I have served whatever she felt she could get out of me. The smearing began, using the past abuse I suffered to try and influence how others might see me. It’s coming to an end and I for the first time am feeling a sense of relief, lightening. Pray I don’t get fooled again, in do know my heart is weak and needing.

I am beyond horrified. I was married for 25 yrs to a very dangerous psychosociaopath and probably a Ritual abuse victim at the age of 3 and his whole family i found out just before we got divorced were incestual pedifiles and filmed orgies and abused hundreds of kids. This was so political it involved gov agencies etc. anyway, and the mafia too. I parted with him and now i went stealth has i have been told he will want to kill me the rest of my life.Through legal help and protective orders, being hidden away i was finally able to escape the state, but no sooner than i was here a rural public but driver started being kind, following me church 2 years. I refused date him, not attracted, he love bombs and abuses mentally all the time. He is a compulsive liar but got everyone that is involved in my life convinced he is a saint above saints. I am the liar. He is mr do good. But i have caught him in so much. I am freaked. Been up all night. He is passing all bounds. I caught him going through underwear drawer and the other day through he was out of town, he knew i was showering about that time and he broke into house, but then said oh he made a mistake. His son in law is on the goood old boy Sherriff and police department. I am about suicidal. Worse yet i have a masters in nursing and too smart for this shit. I can’t beleive this. Can’t hear you
PRIVACY PARAMOUT.

^There is no question mark succeeding that sentence.
Because I aim to prove logically that in every way >>> we are evil in our need to blame others as evil – and for multiple reasons as well.

If I’m wrong anywhere here please correct me, and impersonally too. There is no need to attack me, I am only being sincere and considerate towards the specifically generalized figures who are inherently being lacked in receiving empathy ..somewhat ironically.

I’ll try to make this brief.

** #1 (as just stated) The first notable and questionable aspect of the Narcissist theme – is that in our blame/disgust/spite / corralling / vilification of ~who-so-ever-may-be-the-unlucky-one-accussed-of-being-a-Narcissist ⇢ we ourselves act Narcissistic in every act as we point out our accusation.

This brings up a few possible considerations:

➲ It’s completely possible the one claiming the other is a narcissist – is the actual narcissist and the other is innocent
➲ It’s completely possible that both are innocent and simply normal regular people
➲ It’s yet, for some reason completely “impossible” for both to be narcissists (?) – and both guilty of narcissistic abuse – in our minds as we judge and accuse or witness the scenario, in our common perception, and in fact, never typically even considered as possible, brought up, although it is completely practical and indeed – all dynamics socially considered – would entirely be and should entirely be the case more often than not

⌦ In that very fact, that aspect is typically never even considered – this typically points to a psychological denial, and thus, is reason to believe could be our projection from the start.

This is no lite matter what I’m suggesting here, and it is much more than if I was to be saying “one / two – people are projecting”. No no, what I’m saying here is that it by all appearance seems like the good general part of humanity -in at least our English speaking culture, as far as I can tell- is perpetuating a psychological fallacy of …ironic… measure.
I’d like to be featherweight in what words I choose here, so as not to come off as blaming anyone or attacking anyone, but I think what I mean by ironic is fair to say too.

Let’s go over some of the relationship and individual dynamics here emotionally, empathically, and considerably sincere to a fine-tuned point ~ as the one sole and Universally agreeable yet individually forgettable firmament would be ➠ **We should NEVER gamble with punishing the innocent.**

Obvious? Sure, when said.

But as we look at the scenario it is completely littered with the gambling of punishing the innocent
– to the point that it has caught my attention enough to where I avidly study it in possible case that the entire notion of “Narcissists” may be completely a self-perpetuating,
self-replicating,
and socially destructive fallacy containing three-dimensional aspects,
as where we have been looking at the whole thing two-dimensionally. and have been cruelly harming the innocent in each turn of the wheel.

Now I know for the most part those reading this are probably scoffing, having been through grotesque and twisted situations and psychotically cruel scenarios. I have too.
I’m not here to argue that point nor have a pissing contest over my sufferings from a narcissistic relationship versus any of yours in who has suffered enough to validate our culturally accepted prerequisite amount to justify the label’s authenticity to use as appended onto another.

I simply ask this: are you so psychic, that you believe your mind-reading capabilities are more than an acceptable reasoning tool to the point where all intentions of another do not need to be said, and this trumps their right to speak to explain anything before your verdict of punishment over them has come to fruition and ego’s desired-and-met closure?

Look at the aspects, read through them on this page.
As we are in those moments, hurt, abused, confused, callus ⇢ how many times do we more so readily assume the intent of the other rather than emotionally seek sincerely to discover why the actions are truly being done to us?

Here is a fact that I consider as fact and do believe all might meet me valuing it same as it’s heard and considered: Within every cold-act and seemingly heartless persona of those we deem as “narcissistic” – there is a horribly tattered and crying inner child alone and scared and desperately in need of love, and indeed in that knowledge, as we accept this fact we all can see clearly that in exactly that inner child receiving that unconditional love is the ONLY way that person can heal – in those specific aspects – unique to each individual.

Why, in the very consideration of that fact do we not empathize? Do we not feel like crying ourselves, in the understanding of it?

How could that be?
-unless we ourselves know that same inner space and inner child well enough personally to be able to comprehend that emotional understanding, as the dynamic is expressed outwards then unto empathize with?

And here we come full circle to see that in not only all possible but also in all conceivability in our self-honesty and authentic aim towards truth, and in taking full responsibility of ourselves to face it – no matter the rendered implications as we look on to what may be not-so-distant pasts, with not yet healed wounds – but also possible shame and guilt to bear as well atop of it – we find that ALL are innocent, and only in our haphazardly appending of labels due to our lack of faith in the hearts of another, our lack of trust in the intentions of another, and our own failure to drop our own meaningless egos and pride in order to step forward and give love to exactly where it is needed – do we ourselves commit narcissism.

This aspect clearly goes not only both ways – but all around throughout humanity, except, of course to where it reaches me.

I don’t believe in Narcissism.
I believe in love.

And this world has put so many of us through some effed-up conditions.

➠ U n – c o n d i t i o n i t !

aloha ke akua

Hi Dana hooe all us well for u. I’m married 4yrs to narcissit. Im taking my kids my uncle n dog n leaving state never returning idk where or what im gona do but its better than wat he does to me . im scared but u gave me inspiration n i wanted u to no it so thank u much love xoxo