Amanda, My heart hurts for you, for all of us, because somewhere, at sometime in our formative years we got the message that we were not valuable and not worthy of love, or maybe we were not taught what true love was. For me, it was my father sitting me down at 13 years of age and explaining to me that he did not hate me, but instead, loved me, all while continuing to be horribly abusive in every way to me, my siblings and our mother. So somewhere in our past the wires got crossed and our ability to discern love was damaged, making us easy targets for this particularly wretched form of abuse. And a large aspect of this abuse is isolation, which furthers our feelings of being alone, misunderstood, and sometimes even causes us to wonder if we’re losing our minds. When I left my ex-husband I had never heard of Narcissistic abuse. It was only as I tried to understand why he had treated me so horribly and why his behavior was so strange that I began to understand. Admitting to ourselves that we were lied to and that what we thought was love was, in fact, mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse is an extremely difficult concept to wrap our bruised brains around. Narcissists create a cult-like atmosphere with trauma bonding behavior. Our brains actually become addicted to a chemical that’s released when we’re treated well, but that other shoe always drops, the abuse begins again, and we live waiting for the good moments when we feel loved again, even if only temporarily. The cycle is perpetual and we start to feel crazy. After awhile we don’t even recognize “normal” anymore. It’s no wonder we feel alone. Recovery from this is slow and hard but also so very worth it. ?

Vicki, Thank you for your kind comments. It is my hope that somehow I can help others who are suffering this kind of abuse to “see the light”, so to speak, and maybe they will get a glimpse of what abundant life is like, what hope feels like, and that their life story does not have to end on a sad note. That’s how it happened for me – I was finally able to catch a glimmer of hope, and realized that no, I wasn’t the crazy, “screwy” person my ex-husband had tried to convince me I was. When I mustered the strength to say, “No more,” and walk out the door I had that magic ingredient: HOPE. It didn’t happen overnight. In fact, a month after I moved out, I couldn’t stop crying and spent two weeks in mental hospital. I still had so much to learn. You asked when I finally lost my love for him. I think it was the day I saw him in the grocery store parking lot laughing his head off with his “new” girlfriend. It was roughly a week after our divorce trial where he cried on the stand and testified he had no intention of every marrying again. Seeing them together like that combined with the absolute vitriol he started to exhibit when we had to correspond in the following weeks solidified, for me, that he never did love me, as he claimed. It was then that any warm, fuzzy feelings I had left for him truly began to die. For normal human beings to have to leave someone we love, have children with, and have given our lives to is pretty much like tearing out our own hearts but when it’s a choice between that pain and our very survival, we must choose to rise, gasp for air one last time and decide to love our own souls enough to choose life. I was DYING. In every way. Narcissistic abuse has been called a “slow, purposeful soul rape.” That’s the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. If you are hoping your husband will get better or have a “light bulb” moment when he finally sees your worth and decides to value you all I can tell you, from the bottom of my heart, is I wasted 34 years of my life hoping my ex-husband would love me. And now I fully see and realize what he is, what he’s incapable of love, and I so wish I would have understood that before I ever married him. A true Narcissist CANNOT change, no matter what they say and no matter how many promises they make. We must LOVE ourselves enough to recognize when we are being abused and love ourselves enough to say, “ENOUGH.”

I hope to one day soon be further along in my recovery after an almost twenty year on and off relationship. I felt so alone and had no idea that anyone had ever experienced the type of abuse and manipulation. I didn’t think anyone would ever understand. How could they when I couldn’t understand it myself?

Now I am learning that I was not alone and that unfortunately many, many others are subject to this abuse. I hope that because of our suffering we can form a united voice and help others. I’m so happy I found this website. I will be sharing my story soon.

Sela, thank you so much for your kind words. You are right when you say, “We got out.” We escaped. I am sending warm thoughts your way and wish you a beautiful, happy life! So glad and thankful to have found Kristen’s blog. Take care!