Comments on: Don’t Say Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Are Codependent

By: Bea

Bea — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 04:10:04 +0000

Thank you for this. My (ex-)therapist told me that I’m “very codependent.” Yet I’ve never been married or even lived with a partner. (Yet my therapist is on her second husband!) I was alone for 11 years before I got into a narcissistic relationship, and I got out of it just a few months after he switched. The only reason I stayed that long is because he was an old friend from college and had recently split from his wife. I gave him a little benefit of the doubt because I’d spent time with him in my 20s and thought he was a good guy. I couldn’t believe what had happened to him. But I realized he was purposely trying to make things negative, complicated, and nonsensical. And that he was just using me as a transition from being married. We’ve been broken up for nine months, and I haven’t even thought about getting into another relationship. Do I have issues? Sure, everybody does. Were my issues magnified after being conned and traumatized? Yep. (Funny how the narcissist points out how you’re going batty when they’re the ones making it happen.) And then, as you say, the therapist sees all your magnified issues as ones that you’ve always had. But it’s not codependency.

By: Ainsobriety

Ainsobriety — Mon, 14 Jan 2019 22:09:25 +0000

This is a very interesting point.
I’m in a relationship that might be defined as narcissistic/codependent. He is very selfish, I seem to defer to him to maintain the peace.
We have been married for 20 years. I never overly stressed about this, but he has now been unfaithful. Suddenly I feel codependent.

I wonder now…is he narcissistic because I made it easy for him to be that way, or is he manipulative? I can’t tell…

Any thoughts

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 22:46:15 +0000

In reply to Reet.

Hi Reet: I’m so glad to hear that you found this article helpful. It’s hard to read something and be told we must accept a label when we know it doesn’t apply to us. I know I’m not the first one to say it, but I wanted to point out that there’s nothing wrong with people using a term to describe their own experiences, but it’s harmful to try to force people to accept a label that doesn’t apply to them or to make a sweeping statement about a group of people that isn’t necessarily true. Thank you for your comment. -Kristen

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 22:41:25 +0000

Hi Alane: I agree with you that trauma bonding is a more thorough explanation of what happens in a relationship with a narcissist. But it develops after the relationship forms and is a result of the abuse, which is not the victim’s fault. Thank you for your comment! -Kristen

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 22:33:34 +0000

Hello: Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you have found my words helpful, as I try to write from my heart even if the topics will be difficult.
I do try to remain sensitive to the idea that my words may not be for everyone, so I’m glad to hear that you have found what I’ve written helpful.

Wow! You sound as if you have come back so strong from your relationship, and your understanding of yourself and the work you have remaining is remarkable. I wish you well on your continued recovery. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. You are a wonderful example for all of us and a testament that it is possible to heal. -Kristen

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 22:20:36 +0000

In reply to Private. Hello: I'm not a therapist and can't speak to your situation, but I think there are many reasons why people don't leave and they don't always have to do with codependency. The fact that you are financially dependent on him and have a child says a lot. People can also be trauma bonded with narcissists and that is not codependency. There might also be other reasons why you find it difficult to leave. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. You are not alone. -Kristen

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 22:08:36 +0000

Hi Astrid: I agree that “codependent” can be used as a victim-blaming term. It feels to me as if we can come up with better ways to talk about what happens to victims and how they can heal themselves without taking the focus off the abusers. I appreciate your passion. Thank you for leaving a comment. -Kristen

By: Kristen Milstead

Kristen Milstead — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 21:58:53 +0000

In reply to Hazel. Hi Hazel: Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. Twenty-two years is such a long time. I'm so glad to read that you are no longer in the relationship, and I hope you are doing well now. Please take care of yourself and stay strong! -Kristen

By: Hazel

Hazel — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 05:59:37 +0000

22 years with a narcissist, they left. I made it easy for them to leave, and they took the bait. Actions speak louder than words. They didn’t have to leave, their choice. Codependent was something I looked into when I researched their md’s diagnosis of NPD. Their brain scan revealed a stunted hippocampus, 2/3 there, 1/3 not. I look forward to the day we all will have scans done. I would be very interested…
I am empathic, easy-going, loving and nurturing. Not co-dependent. I hate that term because it doesn’t mean anything specific, blames the victim and excuses the abuser. Thank you very much for posting this. Our thoughts have arrived at a similar point. Thank you for promising Part 2 as well. I’ll be reading it!

By: Astrid

Astrid — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 20:17:22 +0000

This is absolutely brilliant! I am HIGHLY intelligent, kind, caring, loving, giving, and trusting because I know I would never hurt someone on purpose, therefore expect the same treatment. That word, “codependent ” makes me nauseas! I was not codependent when I entered the relationship nor am I co dependent now! Using that word is to me exactly the same as VICTIM BLAMING and I am sick of it! STOP PUTTING THE FOCUS ON THE VICTIM AND PUT THE SPOTLIGHT ON THE ABUSER! They are evil wicked (human)beings and deserve to burn in hell!