What I Gained by Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist

 

1. I discovered I have the ability to love and trust someone that much.

2. I was able to explore my own vulnerability with another person on a physical and emotional level, which helped me “level up.”

Because I was ready to open up to someone and allowed myself to do so, I not only learned that I have the capacity to give that much love, I also discovered things about myself.  During the time when I still viewed him as someone “safe,” I was able to let my interactions with another person help me explore more about how I feel and what I want, and now, today, I have a deeper understanding of who I am.

3. I learned what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Because he was able to exploit what are probably some of my best qualities as well as some of my existing flaws, I now have a greater sense of what both of those are. 

For instance, he exploited my deep need to feel accepted wholly and completely by another person by pretending to do so. Then, once he had my trust, he either blatantly or covertly betrayed me by doing things such as mocking what he thought I might be insecure about or gossiping, exaggerating, or lying about me to other people in his life, including other women in his “harem” to get them to feel sorry for him or make them feel closer to him.  He did the same thing to me about them.  That’s just what he does– that’s what they all do, right? 

Now that I know what he was able to use against me, I have moved forward during my recovery in understanding that I don’t need anyone else’s acceptance as long as I have my own. 

Yet he also took advantage of my willingness to forgive and give people the benefit of the doubt, my ability to empathize with the suffering of others, and the enjoyment I get from taking care of other people’s needs.  I’m also celebrating and appreciating those positive things about myself as I heal from this experience.  

 

4. I decided it’s okay to have boundaries and look out for myself first.

It’s okay to be wrong sometimes about whether people were overstepping my boundaries and then apologize for that. That’s the price of making mistakes. Most of the time, I’m going to be right if I listen to my gut.

In addition, if people don’t respect my boundaries, they don’t care about my well-being. And they don’t deserve to be in my life. 

 

5. I learned that not everyone deserves my attention or generosity equally.

I realize now, sadly, that not everyone has the same heart that I do.  It was a shock when I had to truly face the fact that some people not only are not looking out for your best interests, they may also actively be doing the opposite. Purposely, intentionally, blatantly. 

It’s hard to understand or even accept when you’re not that way. I am now in a better position to protect myself in the future, however, by giving the benefit of the doubt only to people who demonstrate they are worthy of it. Passing it out indiscriminately is setting myself up to be hurt by people who wait for opportunities to take advantage of others.

6. I learned that being treated nicely should not be a negotiable “checkbox” item in a relationship–it should just be standard.

Understanding this led me on a path to exploring why I didn’t already have that mentality in the first place. I was so willing to accept pain if it also came attached to love. Or at least, what felt like love. I am exploring the idea of why I was willing to rationalize bad behavior when it came packaged with the “nice” bow on top. They should not go together. I should not be willing to only see the best side of someone when their worst side is inexcusable.

 

 

I don’t mean to suggest that any of these realizations are an excuse for what he did either.

What it means is that I choose how to define it going forward. I am not just his ex-girlfriend. I am not a victim.

Ultimately, I’ve gained wisdom that makes my life even more worth living. Although what I went through was extremely traumatic, I am now a better, stronger, and more loving person, and I’ll take that.