After being in a relationship with a narcissist, at least one thing becomes crystal clear: we never want to give another one the chance to do that kind of damage again.
Sometimes, however, our judgment may feel a little off and we end up at extremes.
Some people who have been in relationships with narcissists end up right back in one, perhaps because they had been primed in their previous relationship(s) subconsciously, yet had not discerned the signs that distinguish a narcissist before it’s too late.
Others begin to see narcissists everywhere.
Yet the things we may think of as signs to look for may or may not be present, such as attention-seeking behavior, arrogance and, rudeness, depending on the type of narcissist and how long we have known him or her.
In addition, show-offs can be annoying, but generally harmless. And selfish or rude people are not necessarily pathological and with accompanying traits that meet the definition of a personality disorder. It’s important to keep in mind that there is a difference between a “jerk,” or a rude person, and a “narcissist” (not that we really want to be around either).
“Narcissist” is shorthand for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and personality disorders are patterns of behavior that are so pervasive and all-encompassing that they characterize the thought and behavior patterns of all aspects of a person’s life. The person can’t control them and often doesn’t even realize that they are engaging in these patterns because they are unable to step outside of themselves. They frequently have interpersonal issues, but may view everyone else as the problem.
Narcissists have learned to recognize that others don’t respond so well when they behave in certain ways, so they instead manipulate others for both short-term and long-term gain, depending on what they desire. Everyone in their world is part of the game they play, because those people may someday be useful.
This is why it is important to recognize that, although we are understandably repelled by and wish to avoid “jerks” too, the narcissist wears a mask to conceal the fact that he or she is a “jerk” from the world, which can make the damage they cause so much worse because it comes out of nowhere. Pathological lying and deceit are the very essence of interaction with others.
It’s crucial, therefore, to not get distracted by what we think may be the “obvious” signs and learn (or remember) what the red flags are that we are interacting with someone who may meet the criteria of a narcissistic abuser or at the very least engage in the psychological abuse tactics that meet the criteria of narcissistic abuse. This can help us to avoid writing those tactics off if we do see them and keep ourselves safe.
First, before we get to the “red flags,” let’s talk about why we might be tempted to write them off, so if we catch ourselves doing it, we can try to stop and take a deeper look.
Why Do We Write Off Warning Signs?
1. We can be blinded by the person’s flattery or attention.
Narcissists are known for the “love-bombing” right up front. We tend to think of this as something that happens in romantic relationships, and the term is applied as such, but some of the behavior can happen in any situation– work settings, first dates, or social settings. For example, even in a situation where we are meeting a friend’s new love interest, a narcissist may try to charm us and if we aren’t careful. This is where it is very easy to get tripped up.
Not all compliments are suspect, however, and so on edge are we about what happened to us, that one or two compliments might cause us to pause and wonder whether the person is a narcissist.
Yet once a person begins to flood us with their attention, we may become so caught up in it and distracted that we may forget to question the sincerity of the words or don’t want to. More on this below.
2. We don’t think of it as warning us of anything even if a behavior seems strange.
We aren’t used to having to think of behaviors that may seem benign or positive as “warnings.” Even if a behavior seems a little eccentric, if it isn’t blatantly harmful or antisocial, we are likely to convince ourselves it’s no big deal.
We’ve been groomed to be tolerant and accepting of the behavior of others, as long as no one is really hurting anyone else. We may even have a voice in our heads telling us not to be too sensitive or paranoid.
3. We tend to believe that if someone is a bad person, the signs will be so obvious that we won’t have any doubts.
Again, we know what rude and arrogant people are like, and we’ve all encountered jerks and know we’d prefer to stay away from them. We have our radar out for danger– the kind where predators might mug us on the street or jump out from behind bushes as we walk across a parking lot and attack us.
But what about people who hide the bad things they are capable of? In general, no one has ever taught us how to watch out for predators in social situations– or even that they exist.
4. If we do have doubts, we tend to resolve them in favor of the person in question because we project our own “goodness” and way of viewing the world onto them.
As mentioned, there isn’t social awareness and general acceptance that this is a “thing” (social predators) and we can end up with a voice in our heads telling us we are imagining things or even miss the signs as potentially dangerous at all on a conscious level.
Therefore, we can often end up just giving the benefit of the doubt to the person and assuming they are just like us and have no ill intentions– because most people we meet won’t have any so that’s our default setting.
Early Warning Warning Signs
These are things about the person that may stand out to you if they occurred, however, if they did, unless you were aware ahead of time that they could be warning signs of someone capable of narcissistic abuse, they would likely fly under the radar.
They are benign enough to be written off as harmless or small violations of social norms that seem unimportant when taken individually.
Being aware of the four biases above that explain why you might be tempted to write them off may help keep you from doing so if you observe a few of these and they are giving you pause.
1. Over-the-top flattery.
It should be very noticeable. Almost to the point of being silly and unbelievable. There’s nothing wrong with deserved compliments and some people are naturally very giving in their praise. Yet pay attention to the praise that they give. Is it specific to the person and or the situation?
- Probably okay:
- They compliment the clothing someone is wearing upon first seeing them.
- Someone has just performed musically or using some other talent, and they compliment the performance.
- They flirt with a person by complimenting something about them during the course of a conversation to let them know they are attracted to them.
- The compliments sound like a combination of excessive and empty. They may go on and on about how wonderful someone is, and yet it sounds as if they could be talking about anyone.
- They may do it multiple times and frequently do it to multiple people and where there is an audience so others can see (depending on if they are targeting someone in particular or if they are targeting a group)
WHY THEY DO IT: They are ingratiating themselves with a specific person or to a crowd through glibness and flattery. They want others to have a positive impression of them.
2. Conversations With Them Feel Unnatural.
In fact, they often aren’t conversations. Either you’re doing all the talking, or they are, but it’s not really a dialogue. They may talk almost exclusively about themselves and you may be asked nothing about yourself or be given much of a chance to say anything. He or she may seem uninterested when you do say anything. Or you may be asked question after question as if you’re on a job interview.
This may sound contradictory to say that they talk too much or talk too little– but the idea is that the conversation doesn’t feel natural and you may notice a pattern when talking to them more than once that it’s either all of one or all of the other or it may shift between the two, but you never seem to have a free-flowing dialogue with them.
WHY THEY DO IT: You’re either being fed the narrative the narcissist wants you to hear about who they are (and the narcissist also likes to talk and may have forgotten it was supposed to be a two-way conversation). Or you’re being pumped for information that he or she can use at some point.
3. They make sympathy plays and you find yourself feeling sorry for them.
In the course of these conversations or at some point they may mention some horrible things that have happened to them. They will often find a way to add it to the conversation as part of the script if they are the ones talking or as a way to commiserate with you on something if you have been the one talking.
Again, however, it won’t be something that comes up naturally. If you pay attention, it will feel scripted.
WHY THEY DO IT: You’re less likely to see them as threatening if you pity them. It allows them at a later time to get away with all kinds of abusive behavior and blame it on the bad things that have happened to them.
If they have created a positive impression of themselves and caused you to pity them, you will be less likely to view them negatively and doubt anyone who may call them out on bad behavior. You may also feel more trusting toward them, which may allow them to exploit you more directly.
4. They may also tell you “secrets” to make you feel like you’re special.
During the course of these conversations, they may divulge things to you and make sure you know it’s “confidential.” You may start to feel as if something about what they’re telling you doesn’t quite ring true, however.
Or perhaps they tell you more than once because they’ve forgotten they’ve already told you. If it’s such a secret, how could they have forgotten they told you– unless they lost track of who they told the “secret” to?
WHY THEY DO IT: If you feel as if they have entrusted you with a secret, you are more likely to feel trusting toward them and drop your guard.
5. You may catch them in small lies.
If this happens, it’s likely to be puzzling because many of the things they lie about can be ridiculous: something benign someone said; where they were; who they were with; what they were wearing on a different night.
And you just so happened to have talked to the person whose words they quoted and the person innocently told you their own version of the story. Or you happened to see picture evidence that the person was, in fact, not where they said they were or who they said they were with or even wearing what they said they were wearing.
You can’t come up with a good reason why someone would lie about such silly things and don’t give it too much thought.
WHY THEY DO IT: Depending on the lie, there could be multiple reasons, ranging from sowing seeds of mistrust between two people to making themselves look better to making you feel certain emotions that can provide them with narcissistic supply, but the ultimate purpose is to gain control over whomever they are lying to by withholding the truth.
Again, if you have believed in the positive image of the narcissist that he or she has constructed, you will not think that these lies were anything but innocent and it would seem silly and petty anyway to point them out. Right? See where this is going?
* * * * *
So now what?
These are guidelines you can embed in your consciousness when you are interacting with others.
It is possible when you interact with someone that something may set you off almost immediately. What is more likely to happen, however, is that you may need to see a person a few times, or in a few contexts, or see them interact with multiple people before their behavior may begin to register and you may begin to take notice.
But what happens if you don’t?
Later Warning Signs
So if you’ve made it this far, you didn’t catch the early warning signs. The things that were harmless didn’t even register and the things that were “sorta” red flags you ignored because they didn’t seem to mean anything.
Now, in this later stage, the signs will be harder to ignore, but because of the earlier groundwork laid by the narcissist as you have gotten to know him or her, you will want to ignore them because “they’re so nice.” You’re going to think you’re wrong as you pick these signs up.
Do not ignore them. The realization is hitting you that something is not right, but it is in your power to listen to it.
All you have to do now is be aware that it’s happening.
Watch the video and I’ll go through five warning signs you’ll notice in this later stage and what to do if you think you have identified someone as a narcissist.
Thanks for reading and watching! I hope this has been helpful.