When I think about all the times he and I stopped and then started talking again, my head starts to ache. This is how I used to get lost trying to define a break-up with narcissists and the overall absurdity of relationships with them.
I’ve now written about this idea of breaking up with them many times. Understanding how narcissists themselves think about breaking up has been a big contributor in moving the needle forward in my recovery. I am starting to see the larger picture of what was happening.
So on break-ups: narcissists don’t break up with you. They are always threatening to leave at the drop of a hat because it gives them so much control. And then they do leave, and they incite you to leave.
Yet it’s never really about breaking up and all of these periods of separation were not “break-ups” in the traditional sense. They were disengagements that allowed him to do certain things in my absence.
And always, always he came back to hoover because that was the pattern. Leave and reappear. Leave and reappear. Leave and reappear.
A “hoover” is just what it sounds like, named after a brand of vacuum cleaner. It’s a tactic meant to “suck” you back into the relationship. It happens after a period of silence during which you are not in contact with each other.
Why not a healthy relationship? Because you have to think like a narcissist. Healthy relationships do not benefit them as this dysfunctional pattern does.
What are narcissists doing while the two of you are not in contact?
1. Narcissists spend their time shoring up supplies by talking to their other exes and looking for new men or women to add to their line-up.
They aren’t sitting around heartbroken as you are. They may miss the love and attention you were bringing them, but they will be vigorously trying to replace it.
If you were the one to cut it off, they will likely return to old stomping grounds because they may not have anyone else new of sufficient quality lined up yet. Narcissists don’t just hoover “the one that got away” or the one with whom they really want to try to work something out. They hoover everyone. What I didn’t realize was that my ex-boyfriend hoovers all of his exes. He has married girlfriends with children he hasn’t seen since high school he keeps in the rotation to hit up when he’s bored or feeling a lack of attention. This is just something they do.
Because narcissists do not ever think of themselves as having truly broken up with any of their exes, they may check in even after a very long time to reminisce about old times and talk about about how special those times were to try to get the other person to say something back that will provide them with an ego boost. They keep all of their old flames in the rotation to hoover because they already know the strengths and weaknesses of each one. This makes it so much easier to say the right thing and glean some quick narcissistic supply, rather than going out and starting from scratch with someone new. It also feeds the narcissist’s ego to keep an ongoing harem to cycle through. In their minds, all they have to do is say the right words and they can have any one of them at their beck and call again if they so choose.
If they cut it off with you, it’s likely because they want some intensive time to work on the new girl or guy without having to spend any time on you. Yes, think about that for a minute. They’ve got someone else in the pipeline they’re grooming intensively. When my ex-boyfriend was love-bombing me heavily, he blocked and deleted from Facebook both the woman to whom he was engaged who was on the periphery for the time being and the ex with whom he was cheating on me who was in a different country. He didn’t want me to know he was still interacting with them, and this enabled him to provide me with better stories about their “lack of importance” in his life.
2. They may also be using the time apart to tell their friends (or the new person they want to be with) things about you to gain their sympathy.
Narcissists live for sympathy. If you only examine their behavior and ignore what they say, it is easier to understand them. You can tell that they do lack guilt or empathy because it would be impossible to for them to do the things they do and not learn from their mistakes if they did have remorse.
However, they also know that they can’t go around and act as if they don’t care. They must feign normality to keep up the facade, which allows them to keep getting away with what they do. They have to come up with some explanation that will make their abnormal behavior “fit” with the normal persona they are trying to present.
How can they be let off the hook for it?
In this case, if they are cheating and lying and acting controlling and saying hurtful things and getting into overlapping relationships, well, it’s because of something outside of themselves. In the case of the disengagement, guess who they are using to gain sympathy?
Yes, the narcissist will start to plant these seeds when you aren’t around that you aren’t the person they fell in love with. The very things they are doing to you and the very behaviors they are inciting in you with their actions, they will use to make others feel sorry for them so they can look justified in your continued abuse.
3. They’re punishing you with silence and conditioning you about how little your concerns matter by letting you sit alone with your confusion over the relationship.
You were the love of the narcissist’s life, now their silence says you mean absolutely nothing. You want closure? Too bad. They flooded you with attention and made themselves the center of your world, isolating you from everyone else, and now they’ve disappeared and left you filled with doubts about whether they ever meant anything they ever said. They refuse to take responsibility or talk about what went wrong or even stop and they insist it’s you that’s the source of the problems, that you are the source of your own pain because you just won’t let it go. And we haven’t even talked about how all of the emotional ups and downs have actually caused a chemical dysregulation of the dopamine and oxytocin in your brain and you’re going through withdrawals when they aren’t around. Finally, when they come swooping back in when they’re good and ready, you’re weakened and vulnerable to what they have to say. The whole thing has the effect of making you dependent, but managing down your expectations so that you’ll let them get away with more and more.
* * * * *
How do I know all this? I saw it for myself, but still I could not put together all of the pieces into a coherent picture to understand all of what was happening at the time I was going through it because every act happened in isolation.
It’s a process that poisons you a drop at a time until one day you’re breathing his air into your own lungs and thinking his thoughts instead of yours.
There is no shortage of things that narcissists will try to hoover you back. In Part II, I’ll go over a list of different methods of hoovering.