Hi Beth,

I am in the same exact situation. I’m with Kristin – Grey Rock and no reaction. Everyday is a new challenge, and there is nothing like trying to live with unpredictable behaviors, even after you leave. I wish you the best and I wish the best for you son or daughter. Stay strong, otherwise he will sense it and you know what happens next. I am never alone with him or near him. Be safe and my wish for you is the best possible outcome.

He always said that I could go do fun things (like he always got to do through connections with friends and clients), but he knew perfectly well that I didn’t have the same resources available to me, and that I was extremely frugal (he had plenty of on-the-side expenditures I was unaware of, leaving much less money for “us.” While I was feeling immense guilt and shame by begging for financial help from my fixed-income parents and our church, and pouring in hours and hours on various financial assistance applications, he was having affairs and had a secret cellphone and a secret car).

Even the times he came home from “work” to “give me a night off” were actually about him being able to participate in online … um… “extra-curricular” activities.

The divorce agreement and the circumstances behind it are even worse than the abuse during the marriage. I’m working with a lawyer right now to try and overturn the forced agreement, and if he ever does get physically violent, now will be the time.

How ludicrous is it to actually secretly wish for the physical violence because it’s easier to prove. Some of my friends think he’s much too careful and methodical for that. Others worry it’s simply the next step, since he has now crossed absolutely every other line and method of abuse.

Also, FYI: I have learned that DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is DEFINED as MORE THAN JUST PHYSICAL! Because it’s all about CONTROL, PHYSICAL VIOLENCE USUALLY BEGINS WITH THE OTHER KINDS OF ABUSES (verbal, emotional, financial, etc.). For this reason, if you haven’t left your narcissistic abuser yet, and even if you have, it’s important to have a safety plan in place. I even filed a report at the YWCA. That’s additional proof for me (or my family) down the road, if needed.

Hi Beth: I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. I don’t know what it’s like to have a child with a man like this, but I sympathize with the additional pain that he is able to cause you because of it. Someone told me about a website called Talking Parents (https://talkingparents.com/home). It forces them to communicate with you only through this and creates a record of everything they say, and, meanwhile, you refuse phone calls and texts that don’t come through it. If he starts something in person, then you could perhaps you can start recording conversations that occur when he picks up or drops off your child, if you live in a state where only one of you needs to be aware that a recording is taking place. You could also arrange for a friend to be with you or for the drop-offs to occur in public. These are just a few things that come to mind; there are probably others that those who have lived through it have to beat these people. Also, try Tina Swithin’s website (Tina Swithin dot com). She has a website about divorcing a narcissist. I know two of the best things you can do is create a record and don’t show a reaction. It seems as if you’re doing well working with the second one and grey rock. Don’t give up and please stay strong! -Kristen